How do I better cope with being ignored?

October 30, 2014 7:40 PM

Lately, it seems like my friends has been ignoring me. I would like constructive advice to deal with being ignored.

I'm a newbie to AskMeFi, although I've been 'lurking' for years. My first question, here goes.

It seems like lately, I've kind of lost my social touch, or been doing something wrong. It's been a big downer. A few disclaimers:

-I'm unemployed, so that may or may not adjust the level of frustration I've been having.
-I'm deaf, so my socialization options are a bit more limited than normal, which makes the situation a bit worse. Note: all friends mentioned here are deaf, as well. I'm from the middle of the country (USA).
-I have mild social anxiety.
-Me and all mentioned friends are in our late 20s-early 30s.

When I was at university, I didn't have a big social life, but it was decent. As I'm getting older, it seems to be harder and harder to make new friends and/or expand my social circle. What makes it worse is, I feel like my current "friends circle" is kind of ignoring me. Here's several examples.

Person A: I wanted to get together with this person, as he had already moved away to California. We weren't close when we were both at the university, but lately we've been talking more on Facebook/text/scattered instances in person. He was visiting in town for our university's Homecoming. We saw each other at a bar, and he suggested we get together sometime this week. Sure! I videotexted him on Tuesday night, suggesting we get together. He replied quickly saying he wasn't able to see my videotext, but asked how I was doing. I tried to help him troubleshoot the videotext viewing issue, but he stopped responding. I assumed he fell asleep. Wednesday afternoon, I texted him to follow up and see if he was able to view my videotext. He said yes, and suggested we do coffee or something. I asked when he was available/what time, and again, no response (he fell silent right after I responded to his suggestion). I haven't contacted him since then, as I don't want to bother him. No follow up on his part, and he's updated his Facebook/Instagram since then.

Person B: I've known her since 2006, and she has always been friendly. We got together several times, and say hi to each other, as well as text very occasionally (she's not the best with text responses). She suggested back in August that we "get together sometime." Well, it's now almost November, and it hasn't worked out. After a hiatus of her not responding to texts, when we saw each other in person at Homecoming, she suggested I "glide" her (it's an app designed for the deaf, where we send videos to each other). I did, suggested we get together soon. No response, but the video was viewed. Now, I found out that she invited my roommate (and many others, many people I know) to a Halloween party, but she didn't even invite me. That really hurt. I thought we were good friends.

Person C: I used to go barhopping with her last year (in 2013), and we were actually pretty close. We exchanged secrets, chatted about alot of things, and so forth. I really enjoyed her company. However, after she moved in a new apartment with her boyfriend, things changed. She is now almost non-responsive on text, and I usually feel like a bad guy, having to keep texting her to get her response (she explicitly gave me permission to 'bother' her if she didn't respond to texts), and we haven't gotten together at all. It really sucks, because she's a great person, and can be genuinely fun, but I feel like, in a way, she's written off our friendship, and I don't want to come across as needy. However, she did invite me to her boyfriend's surprise birthday party back in September, but other than that, nothing. Nada.

So, the problems being presented are what I'm having issues with, along with a fear of asserting myself with my friends/following up. I was told in the past I was too needy, came across as too needy, so I really have been taking extra care to dial back my interactions and to not come across as needy. However, lately, it's been very hard. I do have several core friends who I'm comfortable with and know are true to me, but I really want to expand my friends circle. It's kind of a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation when it comes to non-responsive texters. Should I follow up? How long? How often? And, what's really niggling at me is, if he really wanted to get together with me, he would've made the effort. And he didn't. I don't know if that's irrational thinking or not - I mean, people are flakes, but the immediate responses and immediate silence with Person A was a bit... weird.

This leads me to another difficulty. I have a HARD time making conversations. I really don't know what to say. I feel like my interests are unique/different compared to others. For example, I hate sports. They bore me to death. Sports, unfortunately, is one of the biggest conversational topics in my social circle. I do have good conversations, but only with my core, close friends. My core, close friends are often busy, which is why I want to expand, but I'm finding it hard to do so. I feel like almost nobody really wants to talk to me, or interact with me - I'm the "boring one" or whatever. I rarely get invitations. I REALLY don't know what I'm doing wrong here. I've been trying to do all the "right" things, but it seems to get me nowhere. It's even harder, being deaf, because socializing with hearing people really is hard, given the communication and cultural barriers. I also have had a generally hard year, being unemployed, facing changes in my family, etc... but to keep this topic at point, I want to focus on friends/social interactions.

So, to keep this to the point, I am seeking constructive feedback/advice on the following:

-How to make new friends, and how to hold good conversations with people
-How to cope better with being ignored/non-responsive people: also, how to follow up with them without seeming annoying/needy (which hopefully, I've been doing well with)
-How to make myself more attractive socially

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I really am not. All I know is, it sucks being lonely. Are my expectations too high? Am I expecting too much out of my 'friends'? Are they just plain jerks? I've been hurt quite a few times in the past, which makes it a bit harder for me at times.

Many thanks, I hope this wasn't too open-ended and too 'much' especially for my first post. I appreciate all the help and feedback I can get!

posted by thoughtful_analyst to Human Relations (2 answers total)

It's hard to know for sure what's going on without knowing you, personally, but there's a very real possibility that this is mainly just caused by getting older. Almost everyone I know found it harder and harder to make new friends and even keep in touch with old ones once they were out of university and trying to juggle friendships with adult lives. It's more of an effort to go out, it's more of an effort to meet new people, more of the people you do meet will have little in common with you or room in their lives for new friends, even the people who were once friends grow apart now that you are all doing different things, etc. I imagine this is all the harder if you're also deaf and trying to deal with that cultural and linguistic divide.

So, fwiw, none of your examples to me read like your friends are ignoring you outright -- more like they too are struggling with the new effort it takes to keep up with friendships, and maybe having to do a bit of triage on their efforts and attention. You say you still have several close friends who aren't these people: I found that those were the only ones I really kept into my late twenties and early thirties. I think as long as you have those, it's probably nothing you're doing wrong -- just the vagaries of age.

I realise this doesn't help with the larger question of how to build a solid friends network now. I wish I had a perfect answer to this question. I think part of it is learning when to cut your losses and focus your efforts on finding new people rather than trying to stay friends with older friends when the friendship isn't there so much anymore. My judgment for when to stop texting people or inviting them places is right when I start feeling like I'm putting more in than I'm getting, or when I start to worry that I'm getting annoying. Even if they reciprocate at that point, do you really want to be in a friendship on those terms? I'm not saying to have any sort of confrontation or even to start ignoring them entirely; just mentally step back and focus your energies elsewhere. If it's meant to be you'll hear back from them, and you can take it from there.

The only other thing I would suggest (and I know it sucks, if you're an introvert and not great at small talk - same with me!) is to keep putting yourself out there. But put yourself out there doing things you like doing, so if you don't find new friends it's not a waste: you're at least having fun anyway. You might also find some utility in meeting people first online if you can find communities or groups (or OkCupid - I've used it to just find friends); being deaf, starting with text-based communication might help ease your way.

Good luck. I know it's hard.
posted by forza at 8:44 PM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

As people get older, life gets in the way of keeping up friendships. Your buddy in from out of town may have been dealing with something very stressful, that made responding to you feel like too much to do. Actually, all of the scenarios you described seem perfectly normal to me and perfectly reasonable for adults. You just have more free time than your friends do and, you seem a bit selfish about it.

If you want to meet up with someone, decide on the time and place and suggest it. Don't make them have to decide. If they say no, then say okay, maybe some other time, and then follow up a few months later. Yes, rejection sucks but you have to understand that, many times, you aren't being rejected, they just truly don't have much time and the little free time that they have goes to their priorities.

While you are waiting for someone to say yes, look for ways for you to plug in to your community. Volunteer for anything. Volunteer for everything. People with perfect hearing suck socially all the time. Don't let your deafness be your excuse for staying home. Get out there. You aren't being ignored, you are being forgotten because you are keeping yourself invisible. I've done this too, many times. Everyone is so caught up in their own little worlds that the only way anyone is going to notice you is if you really put yourself out there, which can be hard to do.

I have a rule that I have to say yes to the chance to do anything that is legal and morally sound, even if it is something that scares me or something that I probably won't love. I also make certain to go to the same places weekly and smile at the people who work there. It feels good to be the regular and it gets me out of my shell. These are two small things that you can start doing right now. Try them for 3 weeks and see what happens.
posted by myselfasme at 8:50 PM on October 30, 2014