Should I reach out to people I have let down?
October 30, 2014 5:50 PM   Subscribe

Over the last two years, I abandoned many of my commitments due to not being able to cope with anxiety and depression. Now that I'm receiving treatment and my symptoms have almost entirely disappeared, I feel the need to reach out to some people I may have let down. What is the best way to reach out to them and apologize for letting them down, and for practically disappearing for months or years? Or should I even bother?

For example, I was chair of a committee at my church. I could barely function in this capacity due to anxiety, and I even tried to resign. However, they all encouraged me to stick around, so I did. Ultimately, I dropped the ball on a number of things, stopped coming to meetings, resigned via email, and then blocked all communication from them. I stopped going to church altogether.

This happened with several things I was involved in, and now that I have my head about me, I feel terrible. I want to reach out to some of them, apologize, and give some explanation. I'm not sure how appropriate this is, though. Should I just stop at an apology? Or should I mention my mental health & treatment?
posted by joebakes to Human Relations (13 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
What do you have to lose by reaching out? Do it. Even if you get back only some of the people you've lost, you'll be better off. They don't need a lot of details, but saying you were having a rough time and it manifested in your commitments, you're sorry, and hope to gain their trust and friendship back over time would be enough.
posted by cecic at 6:08 PM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I did this with an ex boyfriend, a relationship that was in many ways scuttled by my depression and BPD. A little while back, I reached out to him to basically say "So, we got fucked up, I'd like to explain some of the circumstances around that, and want to be clear that I am not excusing myself; I may not have been able to control my feelings but I did make poor choices and you were hurt by them."

We are now in occasional, intermittent contact. It's a good thing. But had he not reinitiated contact, I'd still be content with the situation. My telling him that was for me, not for him; laying some ghosts to rest and apologizing for the shrapnel he got hit by through no fault of his own.

The real difficulty with saying things like this is walking the line between explanation and excuse. It's difficult, sometimes, to really tease out where you stop and your mental illness begins--or vice versa--and thus how to word things in a way that doesn't make you seem as though you are evading responsibility.

To be honest, though, I think you should do this. In a really big sense, the more of us who talk frankly about mental illness, the more we are able to reduce stigma. Not that that is your individual responsibility! But it may be something to consider. On a more personal level, it's about taking ownership of who you are, warts and all, and taking ownership of past behaviour. So yes, I think you should mention your mental health and treatment.

Have you got a therapist? If so, it's probably a good idea to run this past them, and to work with them on crafting how to say what you want to say in the most truthful and effective way.

Be aware of course that you may get no feedback, and that can hurt. You may also get some blowback in terms of "omg did you hear joebakes went crazy." To the former, and this is part of why it's a good idea to include your therapist in the process if you have one (and if you don't, maybe time to consider?), that gives you a good opportunity to practice acceptance and manage emotional distress. To the second kind of person I say fuck 'em right in the ear.

And hey, you never know, you may help empower someone else by helping them realize they're not alone. And you will almost certainly find out there is more support out there than you think.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:11 PM on October 30, 2014 [9 favorites]


If you want to re-engage in that committee's work, then sure. If you want so solicit their support as you address your health concerns, then absolutely. But if you just want to start going back to church, then you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

People get sick. You were sick. You tried to resign when your illness made the work difficult, and you were right. You have nothing to explain.

Focus on your health now and in the future. Don't let anxiety/guilt about the past slow that progress down.
posted by headnsouth at 6:12 PM on October 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


In general people have been very kind, generous, and supportive when I've done this, and it's made me feel a lot better to not have that "failure" hanging over my head any longer -- and to experience the essential goodness and generosity of other people.

Confession is good for the soul ... I think because others forgive you far more easily than you forgive yourself, and it really helps to hear it from others that you're loved and supported and they understand and forgive.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:14 PM on October 30, 2014 [13 favorites]


I think you should reach out. Some people who cared for you then still probably wonder if you are alright, and may prove to be forgiving. It will help you come to terms with it and move past it. And there will be those who will respond with cruelty, but those folks were never your friend anyway.

Do it. Expect nothing in return. And move on - without looking back.
posted by Flood at 6:21 PM on October 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


No explanation is really needed other than, "Hi, friend. A while back I dropped the ball on many things because I was going through some really rough personal stuff. I wanted to apologize for letting you down, and I wanted to thank you for being patient with me as I worked through all the stuff on my plate. I hope you're doing well, and I think of you often. All the best, Joe."
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:24 PM on October 30, 2014 [8 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. This is good advice. Frankly, I was worried about that fine line between excuse and explanation. I think there are some people I will be able to open up to more intimately. Others, perhaps not. I haven't seen a therapist yet, but it's on the calendar.

Thanks again.
posted by joebakes at 6:26 PM on October 30, 2014


Be prepared for (some) people to be angry or upset with you, and to perhaps not hide or disguise that very well. You can have a genuine and very good explanation for falling off the planet, and people are still allowed to be angry/aggrieved by the results of you falling off the planet. Confession is good for the soul of the confessor, and you don't need to beat yourself up - but people are going to have their own reactions, and that's okay too. Do rough this out with a therapist first, I think.
posted by rtha at 7:17 PM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


One situation that I would be cautious to avoid getting into is the one in which the person you're talking to gets the impression you're trying to re-engage in a practical way, and responds under that assumption: either starts trying to give you tasks again, or starts making awkward excuses about how Sally's handling the thing just fine these days (dropping the "we don't need/trust you" hint), or starts that sort of accusatory/apologetic discussion of the tasks that dropped.
As in the scripts above, you're stating what happened, apologizing for how your illness/situation affected others, perhaps thanking them for their patience if they had much, and closing off by saying that the purpose of your contact is to wish them well and to simply apologize. I like the phrase about how one of the things to apologize for is letting your personal issues affect them; because the thing that's changing now is not your personal situation, but how you are dealing with it. I was sick and now I'm not sick, implying "back to normal" and you're asking for forgiveness and a chance to make it up to them; versus I was ill and overwhelmed and now I'm learning how to manage that illness without overextending myself, implying "new normal" and you're not trying to leap back in you're just saying hello and asking for their understanding.
posted by aimedwander at 8:06 PM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


I dated a woman for a very short time in 2002. Short version is that I fell very hard and very fast for her, so when one day she broke a date and explained that she'd gone back to her ex and then broke off all communication, I was devastated. (I did get better.)

Two years later, she called me out of the blue. She told me that what she'd done was really shitty, that she had felt bad about it ever since. She wanted to make sure that I didn't harbor any blame for what had happened, and wished me the best in life. It was very weird, but it was perfectly timed to release some then-current self-loathing.

Call. If you have to, coach it in as clinical terms as you can muster, to avoid sounding like (to them or to you) you're trying to make excuses. It will help you, and it may just help them.
posted by notsnot at 8:46 PM on October 30, 2014


(I meant to add: always err on the side of kindness.)
posted by notsnot at 8:46 PM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Do it. "I repaired something I thought was broken and gone forever" is one of the most beautiful feelings in this world, and if these situations have even a chance of giving you that, you should try.
posted by jessicapierce at 10:26 PM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Not a dissenting note, but I would say to be aware that this is a thing that some people do, and for recipients, actions can sometimes speak louder than words, as they have become habituated to dramatic confessions from people who feel guilty. If reaching out is going to create drama, or involve beating yourself to a metaphorical pulp to force an "it's okay" - don't do it.

Hermione's script is fine, because it doesn't presume or ask anything of the recipient. Don't put them in a position where they have to give you something (sympathy, apology accepted, acting as your chaperone back to church life etc). If they offer, great, and many will. Best of luck, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.
posted by smoke at 2:53 AM on October 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


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