Reason to feel insecure or am I just being borderline insane?!
October 30, 2014 6:00 AM   Subscribe

Argh, so here goes, my first MetFilter question. I'd love some perspective here on whether I have a reason to be as worried as I am or whether, in fact, I'm overreacting - and any tips of ways to cope and not act out self-destructively would be very good.

I'm trying to write as clearly as possible but apologies if it's a bit messed up, I've had a mostly sleepless night due to worry about this and I think some sort of fluey thing. I have a tendency to worry myself sick occasionally, pretty much only about men and pretty much the same sort of thing - horrible thoughts going through my head about how they're not interested, worried I'm being needy and that they can tell I'm this worried, that I'm going to sabotage every relationship etc.

Anyway.

Im 30, female, and live in London. I've never really dated much in the American sense, so seeing several people at the same time, not getting attached etc. I've tended to be a serial monogamist in the past, from a young age. My last relationship ended in early Feb this year so it's been 9 months or so, and in that time I've dated one person casually and had a few more casual hook-ups. It's been kind of fun, definitely less stressful than my last relationship as it came to an end as I felt incredibly on the backfoot in that one and insecure to a horrific degree for the last few months (with some reason, we weren't getting on and the more insecure I was the more he pushed me away, etc etc. He also behaved in ways which made me uncomfortable but which weren't 'wrong' per se, so I stayed for much longer than I should because I felt like I was being silly and should be able to handle his high number of female friends, the slightly uncomfortable situations he put me in and the fact he could be quite critical during sex - 'dont whisper', 'dont bite your lip' - and I felt like he liked to dress me up too much - I felt a bit like a performing doll).

I've now been dating someone once a week for around 7 weeks. We met five weeks before that at a mutual friend's party, where this guy was quite open about liking me, stayed with me all evening past when his friends had left, and asked me for my number at the end. We had a great date the next week, before he then went on a month's trip to India, where we stayed in touch. Whilst away, he fairly frequently went for anything from a day to five days without texting back, I think partially because of reception and partially just out of choice. I remember feeling a little insecure about the time when he didnt text back for five days, and texted him to ask if he was alive (was worried as he was riding around on a motorcycle), to which he replied back straightaway saying reception had been patchy.

Anyway, I guess I'm going into this detail to justify the fact that he's always been a bit patchy at communication - sometimes texting straight back, sometimes waiting for a day (last week he had a big project deadline which is why he was unresponsive apparently, though he had seen my texts because I could see that they'd been read on whatsapp). And every time I don't hear from him, say for two days, I go into a massive fluster, think it's over etc - putting him in the position of power. One time I felt this and texted him, and mentioned that my plans had been cancelled the night before, to which he replied that I should have let him know and he would have come and kept me company.

I've enjoyed all of our dates so much, and I think he's had a nice time too. We slept together pretty early, but that hasn't seemed to affect things badly, though I do feel a bit like it'd be nice to have a date where we didn't end up in bed as perhaps this is making me feel a little insecure as I get more and more attached, and they always say not to sleep with someone too early etc.

He's asked me out pretty much every time except twice (the last two times). I felt like maybe I should step things up a bit and show interest, but now I wonder if this was the right thing to do. We saw eachother twice last week, but this week when I asked about hanging out he's suggested Sunday as he has a party on Friday and another on Saturday to go to. He was sweet about this and said he had a date with a 'gorgeous girl' on Sunday, and he also sent me a text out of the blue this week to say that he'd been thinking of me and getting very distracted that day. But a little voice in my head thinks - why didn't he want to see me twice this week too, and why is he waiting until Sunday (which is over a week since the last date), and also - why can't he invite me to one of the parties? I then end up weighing up all the evidence in my head as to whether he likes me. Last night I noted down all the dates we'd seen eachother, and also who sent the nice follow up texts afterwards (I sent most of them!). I realise this is probably mental but it's like I want an answer now.

My worries:
1) That we've been dating for seven weeks and we're not stepping up contact
2) That he doesn't want to be in touch much through the days, even though he gets a lot of messages on his phone when we're together which he mostly reads, and sometimes replies to, which indicates he's got some people he's regularly in touch with (other women?)
3) That he didn't feel he could invite me to one of these parties
4) That he just sees me as a shag with nice times attached
5) That I'm getting really attached because he's wonderful and if he ends it or I f*** it up I'm going to feel crap
6) He's got tinder on his phone. I know a lot of people have this and don't use it but....all those late night whatsapp convos he's having with people who aren't me...?
7) Last week he said that he'd had a female coursemate stay at his two nights in a row because they needed to get this project finished (he does art so they were making something). I guess he volunteered this info but could it have been a hint?

Mitigating factors
1) He's just started an intense full-time masters course whcih has evening lectures - I know some finish at 7, I think some might finish at 9 but haven't asked him. And he warned me early on that
other people who have done the course say that you pretty much don't have a social life apart from with those on your course
2) He could be trying to make friends at the party on Friday night, because it's at his new university, and me being there might cramp his style. He has been to one party already and out in the bar but he did miss the 'biggest night of the year' for a date with me on week two. Party number two is at his brother's house - he might feel wary of introducing me?
3) Last week while we were on our Friday date he mentioned he'd forgotten that there was a party being put on by a company he worked with and would like to keep in touch with. I said he could go and he said he wanted to hang out with me, or that I should come (indicating he was at least willing to introduce me to some aquaintances). The next morning, he also offered to cook breakfast for us downstairs with all his housemates, who are his friends too, so that wouldve been an introduction but I chickened out!
4) He's a bit of an introvert who's not massively into parties and socialising, and he has indicated that he's crap at getting back to people but he's 'better than he used to be'. He checks facebook once every couple of days, has never updated it, and regularly has people saying 'I haven't heard from you / I don't know if you're alive' on his facebook wall, including family! This is very different to my last boyfriend, who was a social media whore and who I worked with so spoke to pretty much every day
5) He had a six year relationship which was obviously very important to him and ended four years ago. He has spoken to me a little about it and made it clear that he's over it but that it was a great relationship. I get the sense that when he decides to commit to someone, it's for a long time, and he hasn't mentioned anyone since. Our mutual friend says he gets loads of interest from people but is picky, and I know he's turned down a few people since we've been together and said that he thinks he's on to something good to our mutual friend


I think I may be slightly projecting a 'I'm always busy, I'll take twelve hours to reply to your nice text' thing out of defensiveness and not wanting to be rejected, but that he may need a bit more encouragement. Despite being highly eligible an good-looking, I don't think he really feels that way.

My question is, do I go ahead on my terms of what I feel to be reasonable level of contact, which means potentially feeling on the backfoot all the time and making me seem needy, do I play 'hard to get' which doesn't come naturally to me and which I'm worried will put him off, or do I just end this insanity now? It's so overwhelming right now, I guess because I'm sick too - but if he wanted a committed relationship, wouldn't he have called once by now, or suggested we see eachother more often, or bought our relationship status out in the open? I don't want to be the first one because I'd have no idea what to say and don't want him to think I'm desperate or needy. But the truth is, the less I know, and the more ambiguous he is about taking ages to text back, not being open, not wanting to see me more, the more psycho I'm going to act anyway!

Background: Insecurity has been a common theme in my relationships, where for the most part there hasn't been much reason for it. But it's usually appeared a few months in, and never this early, and has gone away again in quite a few instances. My last boyfriend reacted so badly to it that I think it's made it into an even bigger thing for me, so any time I feel like I'm being mental if makes me even more mental. Case in point: I texted the guy today to say I'm sick (hoping he'll offer to come over and look after me ) and he's just texted back an 'oh no :(' - none of the usual kisses etc, and showing he doesn't necessarily see me as anything more than a good time girl. Should I just break it off?
posted by starstarstar to Human Relations (31 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
I say you move on. There are a lot of things about this guy that are making you slightly uncomfortable. You simply aren't on the same page. That's okay but not for you! You will find a better match. Listen to your spidey sense and dump him!

I think if you were thinking about him less and texting less he may have drifted out already....and you'd have more time for your friends and hobbies and meeting someone new instead of worrying.
posted by Kalmya at 6:09 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Yeah, you should have the level of contact you want to have, not the level of contact that you associate with playing hard to get in order to try to make him more interested in you. The latter won't work, at least not long-term (and probably not at all), and in the meantime you definitely won't have your needs met.

He might be thinking the same thing as you. "Oh no, what if I show too much interest, what if that ruins it!"

Or, he might be seeing other women and be happy to keep this casual. Or he might not be seeing anyone else, but still he might be happy to keep this casual because he's in grad school.

Basically, you can't really know. That doesn't mean you should break up, though. It means you should ask him! Tell him you want to be exclusive. Ask if you can go, next time he mentions he's going to be a party.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:11 AM on October 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


i don't want to say you're being crazy, but holy crap you need to relax. you are completely wound up about utterly normal behavior.

Slow down. Take a deep breath. You are fine.

Once you're relaxed, on your next date, ask him, calmly, where he thinks things are going and if he wants to be exclusive. Maybe ask him why he didn't invite you to the party. He could have perfectly valid reasons.

Just in general, relax. Either it works out with this guy or doesn't. Obsessing about it won't help. Don't spend all your time wondering what he is thinking or why he does what he does. It isn't healthy for you or for this relationship.
posted by empath at 6:14 AM on October 30, 2014 [15 favorites]


You could be me a couple of years ago. I met a guy who I liked SO MUCH, so much more than I had liked anyone in years, and our relationship started out much like yours, with mixed signals and spotty contact. It only got worse. I felt like I never knew where I stood and that he prioritized other people above me. He had also previously been in a long term relationship (8 years), but it had ended far more recently than your guy's(10 months). I think that he was not ready for something serious but instead of being mature and using words, he used avoidant behavior. We had a painful breakup 10 months in but... A month later I met my fiancé, whose commitment, love, and communication have never wavered.
posted by bookworm4125 at 6:15 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]




With much kindness.... You don't sound ready (able?) to date anyone.

I don't want to pick apart your question, but like, I would never expect someone I barely knew to keep up with me while they were backpacking in a foreign country for a month. Lots of stuff like that in there.

Overall, your relationship style is unrealistic. So, you've got some self-work to do.

That said...

He sounds nice enough, but if he's keeping you up at night - fuck that - DTMFA.

No one and NOTHING should ever give you that much grief. Ever ever ever.

I'm 50/50 on if the grief is your doing (mostly in your head) or his doing (introvert? taxing school program? just taking it too slow to be dating comfortably??) but I really really think you should walk away from this.

The right relationship won't trigger every alarm bell and warning signal you have. This relationship seems to be ringing every bell and waving every red flag.

Dump him. For your sake and sanity.
posted by jbenben at 6:53 AM on October 30, 2014 [9 favorites]


Case in point: I texted the guy today to say I'm sick (hoping he'll offer to come over and look after me ) and he's just texted back an 'oh no :(' - none of the usual kisses etc, and showing he doesn't necessarily see me as anything more than a good time girl. Should I just break it off?

I just noticed this. This is really manipulative behavior, and not a very nice thing to do.

I didn't want to get into this before, but the general tone of your question is a bit bpd-ish. Not saying that you have it, necessarily, but maybe you might want to put the breaks on dating and look into trying CBT-therapy. Should help with the obsessive thoughts and so on.
posted by empath at 7:04 AM on October 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


You don't have to play it cool if you are cool- which means you can text and contact him on your terms, as often as you like, using various heart-shaped emojis, IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FALL APART IF HE DOESN'T RECIPROCATE.

If you can't do that, and it sounds like you might struggle , there's no shame in being upfront and saying something like 'I really like you, but I think you're looking for something more causal than I'm interested in. Let's call it a day, stay friends, and when you finish your masters and have more time, provided I'm single, maybe we could give it another shot'. And who knows, maybe he'll say he was just trying to play it cool because he thought that's what you wanted, or maybe he'll promise to make more effort if that's what it takes to be with you.

But it sounds like you're utterly miserable and as a general rule, relationships are not supposed to make you feel that way.

I used to get into these situations all the time myself (I'm also 30 and live in London). Until one day I realised I was embarrassed to be showing my friend the latest text messages from the latest guy giving me mixed signals, trying desperately to analyse them into meaning something (preferably that he liked me). I decided two things:

1) If a guy doesn't let me know in no uncertain terms that he likes me after a few weeks, it's off. That doesn't mean he asks me to be exclusive or changes his relationship status on Facebook, but he makes me feel secure and important to him- whether that's texting or calling regularly, making plans to see me in advance, or trying to bring me into his life. I'm not going to waste any more time trying to talk someone into caring about me, or trying to jump from the 'causal sex' to 'wife material' side of someone's list. In my experience, men seem to make their minds up pretty quickly about women and romance, and while it might not be fair, I've never seen anyone wear down their beloved into submission. If I find myself asking 'what does he mean?' or 'does he like me?' the answer I give myself is 'no, he doesn't like me (enough for my standards!)'. And who cares if he acts that way for psychological reasons, bad relationship history, or work commitments? The result is the same- it makes you feel like shit and it's not what you want in a relationship.

2) I try to spend more time seeing if he impresses me, rather than trying to impress him. Why should you be the one tying yourself in knots to fit in with his communication style and life? Why shouldn't he try to impress you? Win you over? I think women are so socialised to be nice, to aim to please, that we forget to consider our own standards and desires. You've spent so much time thinking about what he thinks about you- but what do you really think about him? Another way to think about this is that when people seem allusive or indifferent, it can make you believe that getting their approval will be the ultimate validation. If someone rejects you it can feel like they are the only one who can fix the pain they've caused. I spent a huge amount of time and energy trying to win over a guy who hurt me really badly, but in the end I realised I didn't even like him as a person- that if he begged me to be with him, I would have actually said no (not that that wouldn't have been satisfying...).

I really do feel for you. It sounds like your ex was nasty and played on your insecurities, and I know how much that can shred one's confidence. And don't feel guilty for putting up with it for longer than you should- people like that can really chip away at you and leave you feeling like you don't deserve better.

But you do! So try to get some sleep :)
posted by Dwardles at 7:04 AM on October 30, 2014 [20 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you for your comments so far. It's probably worth saying - this guy is a serious catch, and we have a lovely lovely time together. There's chemistry, laughter, interesting chat...I feel like we have a lot in common, including values. It's only when we're away from eachother that the insecurity sinks in - with him, and I feel great, which is why I think this may be more in my head. What if I'm just like this with every guy I meet? Isn't it worth maybe pretending to be normal for a bit to see how it goes in case it starts an upward trajectory??
posted by starstarstar at 7:05 AM on October 30, 2014


This is not a way to date. This is not even much of a way to live. You're worrying yourself sick over second-guessing, adapting, reacting, responding, and yeah, even a little manipulating.

"Isn't it worth maybe pretending to be normal for a bit " is actually a great question that you just asked. Been there! Sometimes I've had to pretend to be normal. I've had to stop and look at myself and go "okay stop thinking all these things you're thinking; now let's imagine a totally normal, healthy, carefree person, and do what that person would do now." That's one way to get to a sense of security and confidence.

To give you feedback from the outside, your inner monologue here is pretty out there. If I was one of your girlfriends and you talked this out with me like this, I would be unable to hide my expression of horror. If I could give you any advice, it would be to refocus on you.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:10 AM on October 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


There are a million serious catches in the world and if you caught this guys attention, you can catch another guys attention. Seriously. It's not the end of the world if he's not head over heels for you. You might have to go out with 4-5 'great catches' before you find one that *really* clicks. Trust me, relationships that work just start out easy and stay easy. If it's this hard for you this early, it's probably not going to get better.

Besides, everyone is a 'great catch' the first month or so of a relationship.

Basically to summarize: this guy probably isn't as amazing and unique as you think he is, and you are going to find other guys in the future at least as amazing and unique as him.
posted by empath at 7:11 AM on October 30, 2014 [8 favorites]


It doesn't matter if it's 'all in your head' or if it's THE objective reality out there in reality world. It doesn't matter that he's 'a catch' in any sense of the word. What matters is your subjective experience. And that subjective experience, of hurting when you're on your own, it's not going to get better with this guy. Give this one a pass.

The doubt is the flag.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 7:15 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Oops. Let me clarify the "your relationship style is unrealistic" comment.

Like bookworm4125, I've dated in the way you describe here. Like bookworm4125, I also have an entirely wonderful relationship and communication style with my now spouse.

In the beginning, there are no "steps" you can take. If it's right, it doesn't matter how much you do or do not talk, if you sleep together too early or too late, when you meet each other's friends, etc. etc. etc..

These are milestones or strategies that do not exist in the real world.

In the real world, you get your own shit together. You meet someone. You "click" with each other. When a relationship is likely to be successful, all (or most) of your individual lifestyle characteristics are compatible -- and voila! You're participating in a relationship that works for both people.

In the real world, that's a lot of moving parts to combine, so in the end, all you can do is work on being a together and happy person within yourself. When/if someone promising comes along, never bend or twist yourself to make it work. If it works between two people naturally and intuitively, great! If not, you move on. Eventually it will work.

There's no formula. It's kinda a non-formula.

All/most of the indicators you are trying to "read" won't tell you anything or yield positive results if you adhere to them, so you're just making yourself bonkers with all of that!

Set a few hard boundaries (pick a few "must have" qualities) like temperament, lifestyle compatibility, etc., and then start living your life.

For me, one ex was a charming and controlling liar and cheater. After that, my first marriage broke up because my ex put his mom above our marriage. So for me, I wanted an independent person who wasn't a player.

My husband.... Let's just say I have what I want now:))

IdK, if I did a good job breaking it all down for you, but I hope this helped.
posted by jbenben at 7:19 AM on October 30, 2014 [9 favorites]


This is way too much stress to be having over someone you started dating less than 2 months ago! Two things to think about:

1. It might be a good idea to take some time just being totally single for a period of time to figure out who YOU are and what you like to do totally separate from a guy. If you are happy, secure, and excited about your own life indepdendently of a relationship, then I think you'll be less likely to obsess about when you get a text message back or to try and read into every character. (For example, to me "oh no :(" seems like a perfectly reasonable reply to a text saying your're ill. I would not expect a non-exclusive dating partner to drop everything and take care of me when I'm sick...in fact, I probably would not want to see them at all because I'd be feeling gross!) I realize it's easier said than done, but I totally know the place you're at. I have totally been there in that place where every ring of the phone/plan made or broken/minutes counted between interactions/etc. is so important because I didn't have enough investment in myself and knowledge that I would and could be 100% happy with or without this dude.

2. From what I see here, there's no indication that you guys have had a conversation about exclusivity. So, hey, maybe he is texting/talking to/dating other girls, which seems like a totally okay thing to do since you guys haven't made a commitment to one another or decided to pursue a serious, exclusive relationship. If this is something you want, you should use your words and ask for it. Either he will be excited about this prospect (yay!) or he will not be (sad, but at least now you know and can move on). You're not going to trick him into it by acting a certain way or asking the "correct" way -- he feels how he feels, and the best thing is to know where he's at so you can move forward in one direction or another. Again, this takes the confidence to know that you WILL be okay either way, you're just putting your feelings out there and seeing where he's at.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:31 AM on October 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks, rainbowbrite. I know youre right. The ironic thing is, I really do have a full life - a great career, lots of friends, a rich inner life, a great hobby I tend to every week...I'm genuinely busy and pretty happy a lot of the time. So I felt like dating would be okay. Saying that, lately there's been big family stress (my dad, who I have always idealise, turns out to have a serous drinking problem which has made things much more distant between us as I try not to be too angry and upset but fail right now...), plus there's a restructure on my team at work soon which I'm leading (I dont like the idea of making any lovely colleagues redundant), plus I've had big housemate stress with a non-rent payer who was very dramatic and had the landlord threatening to take me to court as lead tenant. So I feel like I'm just....low, and stressed. Maybe that's impacted how I feel about this. The stress has definitely escalated since the other stresses started (which was kind of all at once!)
posted by starstarstar at 7:39 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


So, based on your update, it sounds like this is just a shitty time all around and you're letting all your stress pile up on this relationship rather than on areas where it feels like you have less control (work, landlord, etc.). God, roommate/landlord stress is the ABSOLUTE WORST because it feels like you can't even relax in your own home!

My advice in this type of situation is to lean on your friends network. See if a friend can bring you some chicken soup while you're feeling sick, get together with some girlfriends to drink wine and vent about all the things that are stressing you out, etc. I think longtime friends are better sources for leaning on for serious support (which it sounds like you NEED right now) than a very new guy who you're not even in a serious relationship with. At some point, you may have a partner who can be that "rock" when everything else in life is terrible, but right now I think it makes sense to take the pressure off this new relationship and instead lean on other folks in your life who have been around longer and can provide this support. And, I think if you take some of the pressure of the relationship to be everything you need right now, it may allow things to just happen more naturally.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:52 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


my dad, who I have always idealise, turns out to have a serous drinking problem which has made things much more distant between us as I try not to be too angry and upset but fail right now...

I was actually going to ask if you had an alcoholic parent, because relationship/abandonment issues are a pretty common reaction to that. Definitely, definitely seek therapy for dealing with that. You're not going to be able to fix that on your own, and a boyfriend is not going to 'save' you.
posted by empath at 7:56 AM on October 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


I'm kinda old fashioned, and don't really agree with early sleeping together- I freely acknowledge everybodys rights to do so, everybodys adults. But my personal, deep held conviction is early sex is, in most cases, a bad idea for a variety of reasons. Especially if the person has a history of picking bad dates.

Whats your love language? IE, what do you need to feel loved, cared for? I'm guessing you like a lot of quality time and communication. He may not be very big on the communications, and yalls communication style, when he isn't around, seems incompatible. I know several people who loathe their phones and almost never text/call but will, say, email frequently or set up long dates where they can actually talk. No communication style is right or wrong, but they can be incompatible.

Why is there so much drama in your life? Do you, perhaps unconsciously, pick people to be with who can cause drama? What do you get from that behavior?

In general, I believe the healthier you are, the healthier people you attract. There seems to be an awful lot of second guessing, attempted mind reading, and, really, working yourself into a tizzy over a seven week relationship. I'd call this pretty insecure, honestly.
posted by Jacen at 7:59 AM on October 30, 2014


I also think this is about your dad and finding out about the secrecy.

So sorry you're going through all of that. Truly.

Hon, you sound like you need true support, and a fledgling relationship is the absolute wrong place to look for that level of support and care.

If you have a supportive network of intimate friends, start there.
posted by jbenben at 8:03 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Hey Jacen,
I think my love languages are touch and words. My job is in the communications field (you'd never guess from the jumble above :) ) and my hobby is writing, so yeah, words are very important to me (and I'm a massive and voracious reader).

As to so much drama, the work thing is beyond my control really (orders from up high), and the dad / roommate thing - I think they're just bad timing. Not to say that I've dealt with either in a perfect way, but the dad thing kick-started some short-term therapy (on top of a long term psychotherapist I've been seeing for two years because yes, I know I have issues) and the housemate thing has ended on good terms, with her apologising for the hassle she's caused and leaving peacefully.

It's all been rather frazzling. Especially the stuff about my dad. Not all of my boyfriends have been dicks at all, and I've had a few nice, long-term relationships. I just wish that if it's true I'm attracting crap people into my life, that I can sort this soon because I would like to settle down with someone nice and have something stable. Last time I had that was a few years back and boy did I not really appreciate it at the time.

This all just makes me feel too messed up to be able to do this, the more detail comes out and people hint at bpd, if I'm honest.
posted by starstarstar at 8:27 AM on October 30, 2014


Having just finished a wedding I fully understand how frazzled and crazy stress can make you! Are you getting enough exercise, sleep, and eating right? Those are the first steps for self care. Good for you for being in therapy. Other than that, Rainbow has it pretty nailed, yep.
posted by Jacen at 9:24 AM on October 30, 2014


So, when I feel sick, my anxiety can get quite irrational. Everything seems so much worse than it actually is. I have learned to ask myself no questions during illness, as the answers will be much crazier than normal. So I do suggest a mental vacation until you physically feel better.
posted by Vaike at 10:01 AM on October 30, 2014


Ask him about the parties -- it seems they happen pretty often. If you'd like to be invited, ask if you can go along. He may say no -- that's better than you worrying and wondering. He may say yes.

You can also bring up the idea of seeing each other exclusively. You might first say that you're not going out with other men, and then ask if he's dating other women. If you want to be his "only one," ask if he'd like to be your guy. It's very hard to open yourself to rejection this way, but he feels the way he feels and you might as well know what that is.

I have a close friend who's going through the same feelings as you whenever her new man-friend doesn't call for two days. She hates it, but knows it's her problem, and that the anxiety will lessen once they know each other better. Try to accept that you can't know everything, and make an effort to ask about the important things. Worry about the gaps only if they get longer or more frequent.
posted by wryly at 10:29 AM on October 30, 2014


Hmm. Why don't you check out this question I asked two and a half years ago. It strikes me as similar. Like you, I was going half-mad wondering about patchy communication in a two month old relationship.

I just married that guy.

My message to Poppet Past, and to you as well: relax. It's really okay. Enjoy the ride.
posted by mylittlepoppet at 10:33 AM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Okay, I'll add one thing. I finally told him I'd like to hear from him everyday, even if it was just a single line of text that required no reply. The fact that he was totally cool with this, and then proceeded to make contact every day, was a pretty crucial turning point for me in coming to believe that he truly was as amazing as he seemed, and as compatible with me as I'd hoped.

Why don't you tell this lad that you'd prefer to hear from him daily?
posted by mylittlepoppet at 10:37 AM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Oh, honey. I don't mean to be hurtful, but I want to give it to you straight: even as a commitment loving person, I felt smothered just reading about your expectations. If I had one date with someone--even a really, really, good date--there is no way I'd be texting them multiple times on my month away in India.

While it is true that persons' communication styles and need for contact differ, from your description I would say you have veered off into the unhealthy territory.

I disagree with those who say to dump him or to ask him to text you everyday. I think you need to work on you and your expectations. Breaking up with him or asking for daily texts are, in my opinion, just short term fixes to a deeper problem.

I get that you are anxious when you don't hear from him, but in addition to maintaining your rich social and work life (don't play hard to get; be hard to get!), I would encourage you to sit with that anxiety; if you don't feed it with demands for reassurance or ruminations, it will go away. Easier said than done, I know. But I think the only way of dealing with this sort of anxiety is to learn to experience the uncomfortable feelings in a somewhat detached way. Therapy can help with this.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:48 AM on October 30, 2014 [9 favorites]


Best answer: I agree with mylittlepoppet, on both fronts: 1) Communicate clearly what you want and 2) Relax; it will either work or it won't.

My relationship (see history) had a lot of bumps in the beginning and is way better now. He adapted in some ways, I adapted in others, and we've found a comfortable middle ground. If we both hadn't wanted to make it work, perhaps these issues would have driven us apart. In the meantime, though, it works.

Before that, I spent a lot of time beanplating and changing myself and trying to be perfect and a bunch of other crap for a series of "great catches" who really didn't care about me at all. I was so hung up on how (smart, interesting, cool, successful, etc.) they were that I didn't pay any attention to how I felt. I thought that my role was to be good enough *for them*. It's not.

One other note: Having a "full life" is good for you as a human being who wants to explore and enjoy your time on earth. It has nothing to do with how you deal with relationships. There's this idea that if you aren't sitting home on the couch, that you will approach relationships from a strong position. I don't think that's true. There are a lot of insecure people with great jobs and interesting hobbies. (Probably there are a lot of insecure people without them too, but that's not at issue here.) Approaching relationships from strength comes from a sense that you are lovable. I never had that for lots of reasons growing up, and maybe you didn't. It took this relationship to give me that feeling. I hope you find another way to get it for yourself first as it makes all of this dating nonsense much easier.
posted by 3491again at 10:58 AM on October 30, 2014 [7 favorites]


This all just makes me feel too messed up to be able to do this, the more detail comes out and people hint at bpd, if I'm honest.

FWIW, I don't think you have full-blown bpd. I was in a brief relationship with someone who had real, honest-to-god bpd, and it's terrifying after they go off, and you just seem to be anxious more than really badly manipulative. I do think you have abandonment issues, but you seem to be pretty self aware about it, which is a really good thing. Just keep up with your therapy, and maybe consider writing off this relationship as a learning experience, just mentally, if not actually going ahead and ending it. If you can keep calm about it, let it follow its natural course.
posted by empath at 11:17 AM on October 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


I think that girl flaneur's thoughts are spot-on, and actually, if I could embroider her entire response onto a sampler and hang it on my wall, I would do.

I've absolutely been where you are, and fairly recently (and I'm a lot older than you are). I've found that in these situations, it's best to try to work on yourself, not only by dealing with the issue that's making you crazy, but by taking time away from ruminating by doing the things that make you *you* -- concentrate on your hobbies, books you like, other friends, whatever. Not only does it distract you, but it shores up exactly those things that make you interesting and appealing to others.
posted by holborne at 1:17 PM on October 30, 2014


It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of anxiety in your life right now. Anxiety sucks. I hear you on feeling too messed up to deal, and maybe you'll decide to take a step back from relationships while you work on the anxiety, and that's a totally fine option. Another option, since this sounds like someone you care about and have a connection with, is to bring him in on how you're feeling - let him know that you're struggling with some anxiety issues, and you are working to keep those feelings from messing up the connection the two of you have, and you understand if he's looking for a more casual fun-times-only thing right now but you hope he's looking for more and is open to this kind of communication from you about where you're at emotionally. The thing is, you should only say things like that if they're actually true - i.e. if you can make it your plan to work on your anxiety, and try not to make that work his, and to make healthy communication and expectations part of the goals of that work, etc.
posted by heisenberg at 2:04 PM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I think if you're considering breaking up with him (and I kind of hope you're not) that you would at least also consider being yourself with him for a few weeks beforehand. Because if you're about to toss the relationship, you've got nothing to lose, and generally, it's my strong opinion that being yourself in a relationship is the only way to find out if the relationship is right for you and you're going to be happy in it.

What I mean by being yourself: call him whenever you want to. Text him whenever you want to. If you'd like to hear back from him, ask him to give you a call. If you want to hang out with him, ask him to hang out - don't think about how many times a week it's been or what that exactly means, just be straightforward about wanting to see him if you'd like to see him. If you don't want to sleep with him, don't sleep with him, go back to your place alone after the date. And of course, if you want him to come take care of you while you're sick, tell him that's what you want, don't expect him to read your mind. Don't 'pretend to be normal' - be normal, the normal you! Please don't 'play hard to get' - don't play any games whatsoever, if he doesn't like how often you want to see him or how much you like him, this relationship is not right for you, you ought to find out so you can move on, and quite frankly, if he's the type of person who will be put off by you actually liking him, he's a fool who's not worth your time.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:26 PM on October 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks guys, this was really helpful. Six months into seeing him and things are calmer, less insecure and all-round pretty good, thankfully!

In the end, we carried on tip-toeing around each other until one evening when it all came to a bit of a head. I don't even know how it up came up but we'd been out for the evening after I hadn't heard from him for three days, and he asked if he was 'weird' with the phone. I said he wasn't necessarily 'weird', but he wasn't in touch much with it (!). We then both very awkwardly said that we didn't know where we both stood (he said I gave mixed signals), and we both agreed we'd like to see eachother more. Then came christmas, where he was away for two weeks, and he started to call regularly. It was a bit awkward at first, and to be honest I think a lot of his slowness / weirdness was just getting used to actually liking and being with someone for the first time in four years, since a very big relationship. Now, I've met his grandparents (still to meet the parents but he wants me to), met all of his friends, and we're planning a holday together for later in the year. It's still only been six months but it feels like it's progressing at a healthy pace. I think I just wanted to fast-forward to now when I feel a bit more secure when we were first dating, as I'd always moved quite quickly, but actually it's been great doing it this way - there's been space for real intimacy to grow, even for my own doubts etc. Without that space it's easy to just get too caught up in something and then invest too much of yourself into it, losing sight of what's important and how to actually conduct a healthy relationship - at least in my view! He's now away for two weeks and I'm kind of enjoying it -- its gonna be great seeing him again, and I kind of enjoy the space in a strange way, because it reminds me of how far we've come and also that I'm perfectly fine on my own too!

I think I've recently realised that I've previously thrived from drama and insecurity in previous relationships. I definitely have the ability to take situations which are difficult and analyse them to the degree where they couldn't get any more dramatic in my head. To realise this, and work on not acting on it (partially faciliated by sharing on here instead of bringing it into the relationship), has meant that in moments of insecurity, I've been able to keep things on a fairly even keel. I've learnt to deal with the not-knowing-everything thing quite well I think over the past few months, and me and the man have gotten steadily closer, self-disclosing, interdependent in what I feel is a healthy way. I am starting to feel very close to him, and whereas I can't predict the future, I can say that I could easily envisage a wonderful one with him at this moment in time, based on what I know of him.

I'm glad I held back a bit for the first months and tolerated uncertainty; previously, I would have just dumped him because he wasn't giving me the reassurance I needed. This time I feel like intimacy has grown slowly but surely. There's still lots to come, and we haven't said 'I love you' (yet?) but I'm kind of enjoying the slow ride. It feels more real and based on us than an ideal. By six months in I'm usually starting to see flaws but for the most part in this relationship I'm enjoying him more and more every day. And what's telling is that I haven't yet had one big argument / outburst with him in the way that I have in previous relationships. He's good at coaxing out if there's a problem and working through it with me. In general, I think he's got a 'secure' relationship style, as opposed to the 'avoidant' style of a previous partner who I think really bought out this insecurity. I know it's not possible for one person to solve your problems, but I do think being with someone who's different and more accepting and can tolerate real closeness is actually really healing.
posted by starstarstar at 9:03 AM on April 3, 2015


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