I like a guy who has a girlfriend. What should I do?
October 27, 2014 7:36 PM   Subscribe

I have a crush on a guy that I met in grad school several months ago. He's very nice, smart, and fairly handsome. He appeared a little awkward at first but once I got to know him, he's actually one of the few guys that I can have a long and meaningful conversation with. Although our conversations are mostly school-related, he seems to remember a lot of details from our convo, such as where I used to work a few years ago, what my goals are, etc. He recently joined the same student organization and volunteered at the same research lab with me. I'm very inexperienced in dating so I'm not sure if he's interested in me or not. However, my gut tells me that he might be interested because he often asks me to attend certain meetings or events together, he also occasionally calls me to ask questions (which he could simply ask through text or in person). I recently found out that he has a girlfriend and they both live together so I'm assuming his relationship is pretty serious. Therefore I'm trying to keep my distance from him and not cross the line. But the more I see him/talk to him, the more I like him and I'm not sure what to do. Please advise. Thank you!
posted by missybitsy to Human Relations (21 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
He has a girlfriend whom he lives with. You know what to do. Do nothing.

he often asks me to attend certain meetings or events together, he also occasionally calls me to ask questions (which he could simply ask through text or in person)


He might like you and want to be friends. If that works for you, be friends.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:44 PM on October 27, 2014 [38 favorites]


Don't get involved. Keep your distance so you don't get stronger feelings. If he was interested and pursuing you while in a relationship, he's unethical. If he's not interested, you're going to get hurt and frustrated and it's not fair to him if he's only feeling platonic things for you.

Always step far, far away from early crushes on people already in relationships. (Unless you're poly.) It never ends well. And it happens to lots of people so don't feel bad.
posted by taff at 7:46 PM on October 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


That's how I treat friends...remembering details, having meaningful conversations, inviting someone to events. Maybe he does like you more, who knows, but even if that's the case, this isn't a good idea to pursue. Concentrate on trying to meet someone else. Try online dating, if you're having trouble meeting someone in person.
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:47 PM on October 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


And it happens to lots of people so don't feel bad.

Yes, this.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:55 PM on October 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


He is not interested.

He might be; plenty of people in relationships pursue side options. Whether you think engaging in that is sexy or cheesy is a different question, though, and getting involved in drama within your grad program is never a good idea.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:02 PM on October 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


It sounds like very positive attention from him. He remembers you and treats you well. Remember that! It's a good experience to have. This sounds like some new experiences for you, and so you're seeing how the body can convert those positive experiences into some pretty strong feelings directed back at him.

My Rx is to go out more! Mix n mingle. And get this positive attention from other guys too. Acclimatize to the feelings and then you will be well balanced to pick a suitable and available partner.

Also respect his relationship situation. It is bad karma all around to try to make something of this, consciously or otherwise.

But internalize this good experience and let it be a touchstone for what to look for as you mix n mingle.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:05 PM on October 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


You described him as a little awkward, right? I imagine he remembers all these details about you and such specifically because he is kind of awkward and takes social interaction more seriously than would the kind of person who finds socializing very easy.

I think romance starts with friends and at the very least, he wants to be friends. But the problem is, he has a girlfriend so you can't be more than friends. I've had plenty of friends (and been in situations myself) where someone decided to give into liking someone who wasn't available. They always seemed to think they could just cleanly get the desired person to leave their significant other without any problems and it never worked out that way. In all likelihood he either won't leave and will reject you, or he's a cheater and he'll just cheat on her. Both bad scenarios and you'll just end up getting hurt. If he really likes you and decides he wants to be with you, he'll break up with his girlfriend. Until then, don't approach this as a possible romance.

Personally, I'd walk away from even just being friends and keep a very healthy distance. When I recognize I'm liking someone I absolutely can't have, I stamp it out before it gets too strong.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:07 PM on October 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


If you would like to be friends with him, meet his girlfriend. Meeting her will turn her into a real person to you, and turn the two of them into a unit for you, and probably 90% of the time this reins in awkwardly inappropriate crushes on partnered people. Also if he is great, she will probably be great, and then you know two great people!

Don't be weird about it, just say, hey, I remember you said your girlfriend likes tapas, do the two of you want to go to the new tapas place with me next week? I'm afraid to dine alone at a new place and you've talked so much about her that I'm dying to meet her! Or whatever. Host a barbecue, tell people to bring their S.O.s You'll think of something.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:15 PM on October 27, 2014 [51 favorites]


But the more I see him/talk to him, the more I like him and I'm not sure what to do.

Stop seeing and talking to him. It's probably not the advice you want to hear, but -- even if he does only have platonic intentions, then it's not fair to yourself to keep exposing yourself to a situation where you're going to get hung up on an unrequited crush and miss opportunities with guys who want to be your friend and more. If he is "interested" in you, then he's an asshole. That's the term for guys who pursue girls while living with a girlfriend, and he'd totally do it to you, too.
posted by mibo at 8:17 PM on October 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


But the more I see him/talk to him, the more I like him and I'm not sure what to do.

You've answered your own question. The thing is, you do know what to do. You just don't want to do it--which is totally understandable, we have all been there and we have all ignored the advice I'm about to give:

See him less and talk to him less. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him you Like him. Your gut, as usual for gut feelings, is telling you what you want to hear; you like him, so you're interpreting his actions as though he likes you too.

Stay courteous, of course; there's no need to be rude. But spend less time around him and spend more time meeting single guys.

One thing I'm kind of iffy about suggesting because I don't know your particular dynamics, but what the hell: "Hey, you're a great friend. Do you have any friends who'd be looking to date an awesome girl?"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:24 PM on October 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


So this guy has a live-in girlfriend, not a wife, right? No kids?

It's really not uncommon for boys and girls to look for some "encouragement" if they want to leave a relationship. Ie, yes this guy is interested in you, as encouragement to break it off with his current girlfriend.

BUT... you run a considerable risk of getting hurt in the process. He might cheat with you, break up with his girlfriend ... and then get back together with her in a week. He might break up with her, and spend a little time with you, and then break it off to pursue some other "lucky" girl. He might not even break it off with her, and string you along until (inevitably) he gets caught and it's just a disaster. Or he might dump her, take up with you, and y'all get married and live happily ever after. Speaking as a stranger on the Internet, I have no idea how likely any of these outcomes might be. But it seems obvious to me that you want this guy. You owe it to yourself to ponder the possible outcomes and consequences if you decide to try to get him.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:43 PM on October 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


once I got to know him, he's actually one of the few guys that I can have a long and meaningful conversation with.

There are plenty of guys you can have long and meaningful conversations with. A taken person is heartbreak in a bottle.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:43 PM on October 27, 2014 [15 favorites]


So some above are saying, well, if he's looking outside his relationship, then he's fair game and it's ok... I call B.S.

If they cheat to be *with* you, they WILL cheat on you... and this is NEVER a good idea.

You might never notice, it might even take a while... but it's not EVER, by any stretch of any misbegotten imagination, healthy.
posted by stormyteal at 9:14 PM on October 27, 2014 [10 favorites]


That's not necessarily true, stormyteal, but this is: Imagine, missybitsy, that you have a boyfriend. Unbeknownst to you, he's off flirting with other girls and casting his eye elsewhere. He gets involved with someone who knew he had a girlfriend. You'd feel pretty crappy, yeah? So don't be the person who causes someone else to feel that crappy. If he is colouring outside the lines (and honestly, everything in your question points at friendly person being friendly, to me), let someone else be the jerk.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:44 PM on October 27, 2014 [4 favorites]


From the little information you gave, it is impossible to tell if he is interested in you in a romantic way or not. But assuming that he is in a monogamous relationship and this is also what you desire, I would encourage you to take a step back and dial down your contact with him or make a point to invite his girlfriend along to any get togethers and ask about her in your conversations.

Why? Well, first off, this is a recipe for you getting hurt. Suppose he stays with his girlfriend and maintains this sort of interaction with you. When you have a crush on someone it is usually quite difficult to develop a genuine friendship with the person you are crushing on, and so you are setting yourself up for unhappiness. There are approximately a million questions on this site from people suffering under exactly these conditions. Second, suppose he does have a bit of a crush on you. If you encourage this and things progress, you risk his girlfriend getting hurt. While he would obviously be the one to wrong his girlfriend should he be unfaithful, you would also have knowingly played a role in this, and that's just not decent behavior.

So as far as I can tell, it is a lose-lose situation. That's not to deny that plenty of people end up starting romantic relationships or platonic friendships under these conditions, but given your crush and inexperience, I would suggest giving the whole thing a pass and putting some distance between the two of you.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:42 PM on October 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


To put what doctor tough love said in another way -- it does sound to me that he's probably interested, yes. And that isn't good for you, because if you let it develop, you'll likely wind up getting used as a way out of whatever is happening at his place now. You're worth more than that, right? You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, because you are who you are, not because you're not Jane or Elyse or whoever. And you deserve to be with someone who wouldn't put you at risk of all the drama and rumours that would dog you for as long as you're in this program (and maybe after that, too), if you went for this. It would be a mess. Think longer term.

You're in an insulated environment seeing this guy all the time; that on its own can create the illusion of attraction. There really are other guys you could like just as well. Cool it with this one, and get on a dating site or something so you can broaden your sense of possibilities.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:53 PM on October 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


Breakups are a journey through a world of pain and guilt. Best case scenario, he breaks up with her for you -- how much of that journey do you want to accompany him on? Seek someone who has already completed their last breakup journey.
posted by salvia at 11:17 PM on October 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


If you've been having long and meaningful conversations, but only recently "found out" he has a girlfriend, it sounds as though he didn't mention it himself, or perhaps he finally mentioned it a bit late in the "getting to know you" stage? As a generalization, I think most people who want to make their relationship status clear (to avoid any confusion about intentions, feelings, etc.) will purposefully use pronouns like "we," "us," "our" to indicate that they are with someone – as in, "we went to [restaurant] this weekend and it was so good; if you like Thai food you really need to try their Pad Thai," or "our house is really too small, but it has a great view, so we put up with it."

But even if someone isn't specifically trying to signal, "hey, this is just a friendly conversation, since I'm in a relationship," they would pretty much have to go out of their way to not ever use plural pronouns, or not ever drop a simple comment like, "oh, yeah, my girlfriend read that book and loved it," and many people who deliberately obfuscate or downplay their in-a-relationship situation this way do it because they are flirting with the person they are having the meaningful conversations with.

Maybe it's just flirting for fun and ego reinforcement, and they have no intention of following through with anything, or maybe they want to cheat on the side, or maybe they want to set up for the Next Girlfriend/Boyfriend, but personally, I view it as a form of dishonesty, and would be very leery of someone who seems to be hiding their serious relationship... and if we ever did get together, even if it seemed to be going well I would probably always have the niggling suspicion, "is he now meeting with someone new to have long and meaningful conversations in which he erases or minimizes my existence in his life?"

My boring advice? Tread carefully, and protect your own interests, emotional and practical. We've seen too many Ask Metafilter questions in which a young woman finds her career or academic prospects endangered, diminished, sidelined, or damaged as the result of bad relationship drama. Be smart and careful.
posted by taz at 1:13 AM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]


More than anything, do not create serious Drama within your Grad program.
Do you really want to be the subject of gossip? Don't fish in the company pond.
posted by Flood at 4:27 AM on October 28, 2014 [7 favorites]


Who knows. If you like the guy and want to be friends, suggest an outing with his girlfriend. "Brad, you're such a hoot and I really enjoy working with you. Let's grab some beers some night, I'd love to meet your girlfriend."

Once you meet her and see them together, the fact that his relationship is real and that there is another person in it will get your brain to calm down.

I have some great dude-friends and thank GOODNESS I didn't misconstrue friendliness and congeniality with macking.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:13 AM on October 28, 2014 [5 favorites]


He is being a friend, that's what friendships look like. Plus, he's not, right now, available for anything more.

Solidfying your friendship doesn't put anything of the future-table if something changes, but messing around with his relationship REALLY does. Put him squarely in the "not available for sexytimes" box and let the friendship develop- it sounds like it could be a great one!

If this is difficult for you, I'll nth meeting the girlfriend to make her a real person (also if she's dating him then she presumably has similar tastes/interests and you might get along really well).
posted by smittosmith at 9:07 AM on October 28, 2014


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