How do I deal with a co-worker making harmful allegations at new job?
October 26, 2014 7:32 PM   Subscribe

I am starting a new job tomorrow with a former co-worker with whom I have had a tumultuous past with. She has approached management and stated that she feels uncomfortable and unsafe working with me. What course of action do I take and what should I expect?

Tomorrow is the first day of training for a new restaurant opening. I am 30M and the co-worker is a 24F and we were simply friends and not involved in any sort of relationship during our time working as servers. Her and I were close friends at our former restaurant job, and then the friendship fell apart and culminated with a drunken argument that led to her assaulting me by punching, kicking, and finally attacking me with a traffic cone. Mean things were said on both sides to lead to this. I filed no police report and we continued to work together at the restaurant for about 4 months without incident. The incident was never reported to HR and we remained cordial at work. Fast forward to us both leaving the job and reconciling. She tells me that she is going to work at a new restaurant. I look into the restaurant and thought it would be a good fit for me. Knowing our history, I asked permission to apply there and she said "DO IT." We both interview, give each other glowing reviews based on our past work experience and both get hired. One week later, the friendship deteriorates again, with her embarrassing and lying to me by ditching a different job interview I had helped her get. We argue and I text her that she is a sociopath, compulsive liar and other attacks on her character. She responds with F*** you, etc. I get a call today from management asking about our past history. I state that we had ups and downs and that nothing will prevent us from working concurrently and it will certainly not cause issues at work. She told the management that she feels unsafe and uncomfortable around me. Day 1 is tomorrow and I assume they will be asking further questions. While I realize it was probably a mistake choosing to work with someone with whom I have had issues with in the past, neither of us are perfect and I fully admit it may have been a bad decision. After reading the restaurant policies, I feel as if they would have no right to fire me, since this is a he-said, she-said situation, and I realize you're only hearing my story, but I want to know how to best prepare for what may happen. I honestly feel like they may let both of us go, as no new business wants to deal with such drama on Day 1. I have never harmed, threatened, or even called this woman an insulting name, despite the chaos that has surrounded us. Askme, please suggest what the best course of action is and what stance the management may take. For the record, we both have no intentions of quitting the job, but she has stated to our mutual friends that she will do whatever it is in her power to ensure that I don't work there. Thanks in advance, and I will be around to answer any follow up questions you may have,
posted by AMWKE1984 to Work & Money (20 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's request -- restless_nomad

 
Is this the only job available to you? Because honestly, this is not someone with whom you should be working (or being friends or hanging out or being in the same room), and it seems to me that the easiest course of action is for you to find another job. Seriously: stop worrying about who's right or what's fair, and avoid the drama that your having any sort of relationship with this person will inevitably bring.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:48 PM on October 26, 2014 [30 favorites]


I have never harmed, threatened, or even called this woman an insulting name, despite the chaos that has surrounded us.

Calling someone a sociopath and a compulsive liar is calling them an insulting name. You did this by text, so she has written evidence of your bad behavior. I suggest that whatever you do, you should not lie to your boss like you lied in your question.

Your best course of action is to behave as professionally as possible, tell your new boss that you'll be professional, and never have contact with your frenemy again.

And in the future, contact the police when someone assaults you so you have a paper trail.
posted by medusa at 7:48 PM on October 26, 2014 [9 favorites]


Your course of action should be to look for another job. What you should expect is that your ass is going to be fired eventually because you make your coworker feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

Even if this is the best job ever, do you really want to go to work every day and deal with this drama? Go work somewhere with people who don't hit you with traffic cones.
posted by Rob Rockets at 7:50 PM on October 26, 2014 [8 favorites]


Best answer: What you should expect is that your ass is going to be fired eventually because you make your coworker feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

WTF? Why is he going to get fired, not her?

Play it straight, work professionally with her, be honest, say you don't have a problem, don't play games, you'll presumably readily convince management where the issue is.

Oh and as an employer, if I saw a text saying someone was saying a sociopath and a compulsive liar, I would actually more question the receiver than the sender. The text could very well be true, there's no reason for a third party to think she's the victim.
posted by wilful at 8:01 PM on October 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


Well it looks bad on her to recommend you for a job where she works them a week later tell get boss that she hates you.

But really not worth the drama.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:03 PM on October 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


There are a zillion restaurant jobs out there. Go get one without all this drama attached to it.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:27 PM on October 26, 2014 [3 favorites]


Best answer:
Oh and as an employer, if I saw a text saying someone was saying a sociopath and a compulsive liar, I would actually more question the receiver than the sender. The text could very well be true, there's no reason for a third party to think she's the victim.
I would think that it showed exceptionally poor judgment to, upon realizing that a friend was a sociopath and a compulsive liar, send that friend a text saying that she was a sociopath and a liar. When dealing with sociopaths, the best course of action is to back away slowly, not to escalate by sending insulting text messages. It doesn't sound like either of these people is someone whom I would want to hire: she's unhinged, and he doesn't have the sense to avoid unhinged people. Now seems like a good time for him to develop that sort of good sense and perhaps to reflect on why he pursued a friendship with someone who had previously assaulted him with a traffic cone.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:42 PM on October 26, 2014 [13 favorites]


Best answer: He said he's not leaving, y'all should stop suggesting that.

Keep smiling, work hard, don't talk shit about her behind her back, and they'll either let you go anyway (probably reluctantly) or you'll find a way to work with this enemy to each other's mutual benefit. That's the most likely outcome really--try to be polite to her at all times, show her the utmost respect, as you would any poisonous animal living in your basement.

But yes, please do learn from this situation will you? You can be cordial to them, you can offer as much forgiveness as you like, but don't choose to work with folks you've had this level of drama with.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:45 PM on October 26, 2014


Best answer: I have never harmed, threatened, or even called this woman an insulting name, despite the chaos that has surrounded us.

Chaos doesn't just "surround" people. Accept that you are an active participant in this volatile relationship. The fact that she resorted to physical violence doesn't absolve you of blame, or make her concerns about working with you any less valid. In fact, she's probably correct to not want to work with you, although she obviously should have never encouraged you to apply in the first place.

If you still do want the job though, you need to appear to be as drama-free as possible. This means not going into details about past events, speaking in broad terms that don't blame one party more than another, and avoiding being alone with her. Don't talk to her unless it's about work, and don't talk to her at all unless someone else is in the room. This still might not work-- it really depends on who the management likes more or who is a better employee.
posted by acidic at 8:47 PM on October 26, 2014 [10 favorites]


Bill Cosby used to say "Parents aren't interested in justice. They want quiet."

You could surprise me, but most restaurant mgmt isn't going to want to "hear testimony" or read old texts or play Judge Judy. It'll probably be more like Person A makes a complaint about Person B to mgmt. Mgmt will talk briefly to Person B, and then decide to fire one of them.

With that in mind, think about how Person B might impress mgmt as the better employee, long-term.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:42 PM on October 26, 2014 [12 favorites]


I feel as if they would have no right to fire me, since this is a he-said, she-said situation,

Are you in america? If so, then they most likely do have the right to fire you even if they did not list "unknown new employees causing drama" in their set of known fireable offences.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:21 AM on October 27, 2014 [8 favorites]


I think you need to do three things.

The first thing is to go into work and be the most professional you can be. Turn up early, go and find the boss, etc. Show an interest in the workplace and ask if there are any policies you should be aware of. Do your job really well and basically be a model employee.

The next thing to do is to cut as many tie to this woman as possible. Anyone who will attack you with a traffic cone (!) is someone to run the hell away from. That is completely unacceptable behaviour, and what is more worrying to me is rather than her getting away from you, she's enmeshing herself with you even more. Consider why someone who felt it necessary to treat you so badly is encouraging you to get a job working alongside her - perhaps it's because she can cause more trouble. Proximity to this person seems to cause you a lot of that.

The final thing to do is consider your own part in all of this. There are two sides to every story and it's on you to take ownership of the fact that you ignored a massive red flag, and then continues to associate with someone you think is a sociopath and a compulsive liar. Her behaviour is unacceptable, but yours isn't fantastic either. For your own sake, have a think about why you're putting yourself in this situation all over again.
posted by Solomon at 3:36 AM on October 27, 2014 [7 favorites]


Someone who would do anything to have you gone, and who has assaulted you, is a serious danger to you.
posted by one more robot at 4:18 AM on October 27, 2014 [4 favorites]


Your question is very "mistakes were made" when it's clear that both of you actively stirred up conflict and drama.

After reading the restaurant policies, I feel as if they would have no right to fire me, since this is a he-said, she-said situation

You have zero control over this. If you want to keep this job, don't even hint that you think the restaurant management has "no right" to do ANYTHING. Be deferential, respectful, and professional. Just say you've had issues in the past but feel confident that you can work together and that the temporary drama will pass. Do not volunteer ANY details about past arguments. And accept that one or both of you may be fired, even if you do all this. It's too late to fix that now.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:02 AM on October 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Your job now is to be the best employee at your workplace. There is nothing to be done about someone who wants to ham it up playing a victim because there is no way to disprove vague accusations like "he makes me uncomfortable". More to the point, most employers would can you just to avoid a headache regardless of what is true or fair - they're not interested in playing referee and they are not a court. All they see is two people causing issues at work and you're probably the socially acceptable one to fire. Problem solved from their end.

So you do everything in your power to be the best at what you do. Try your hardest to make losing you less appealing than dealing with another worker's tantrum. This means showing up early, staying late, solving problems for other workers, and engaging your boss(es) socially. You do NOT engage your problematic coworker in any context unless it is necessary to perform your duties. Do not mention her to anyone in a negative way. It still might not work, but I think that's about all that can be done at this point. Also, unless you are very established in your career at this place I would start shopping your resume out today.

By the way when someone assaults you, you file a police report. I reckon that conversation about your history with this lady would have gone differently if you could have answered that she attacked you and here is the proof. Also a restraining order would have solved this situation before it became irreparable.
posted by Willie0248 at 6:37 AM on October 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Ok, but here's the deal; you looked into working with her, first, when you realized she was leaving. Why did you do that? You knew your history with her, but you followed her. You got an OK from her, sure, but the initiative is on your side.

So, whether you like it or not, that makes you look like either an instigator or equally responsible for this situation continuing.

Why are you so determined to keep this new job? Just to show her she can't push you around? This means you are too wrapped up in this situation/drama. This is not a fight you can win.

Keep the job if you want, but expect trouble and prepare for it. At the same time do everything in your power to avoid it. Don't fight. Don't text. Don't hang out with her. Disengage.

And when, as seems likely, one or both of you get fired because that doesn't work, don't be so foolish as to seek out places she works to work anymore. Stop enabling this drama, if you really want it to end.
posted by emjaybee at 7:52 AM on October 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


Being fired is the least of your worries. What if she accuses you of theft and the police are called? What if she assaults you again and you fight back this time? Finding a new waiting job is not hard. Hiring a good criminal attorney IS hard. A genuine sociopath, a violent person--very dangerous even if you're bigger and stronger.
posted by one more robot at 8:50 AM on October 27, 2014


You are having a problem where you are looking only at your own side.

How do you know she gave you a glowing reference? Did she say so? Maybe she in fact gave you only a mediocre or bleh reference and they hired you anyway. Maybe she didn't want you working with her, but said "Yeah DO IT" because it cost her nothing, and she didn't think she could say no without drama.

It's entirely possible that you do make her feel unsafe. You accuse her of "embarrassing and lying to you" by ditching out on a NEW JOB INTERVIEW. So she's just gotten a job, but you have also, and she's already looking at other jobs? SHE DOES NOT WANT TO WORK WITH YOU.
posted by corb at 10:17 AM on October 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: To clear up some things:

I work as a professional in sales during the day. This job is at night for extra cash, so technically I don't truly need it, but both her and I have recruited several of our mutual friends to work at the restaurant.

The interview she ditched was through a client who purchases a considerable amount of product from me and in sales, integrity and honesty is everything.

While my texts did seem insulting, they were all prefaced by "I'm trying to help you, please seek professional help, you've destroyed so many relations at previous place.
posted by AMWKE1984 at 11:48 AM on October 27, 2014


Step away from the crazy. Both of you are going to look bad, but she's been there before you and is a known person, compared to you who is new. I think if I were them I'd probably get rid of you because the whole thing ALREADY sounds like it's not worth the drama. Also, she's crazy and she sounds like she brings out the ugly side of you too. No job is worth this. You can try to be polite and professional and stay out of fights with her, but either way I don't think you'll be in the job long.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:12 PM on October 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


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