How to become a more polite driver (or person)?
October 23, 2014 10:18 AM Subscribe
How can I become a more polite driver on the road? I try my best and usually succeed at the basics--using turn signals, not cutting people off--but I still run into situations on a regular basis where 5 seconds later, I think, "Man, I was kind of a jerk there." How can I learn to be aware of these situations before the fact?
The latest example: I'm one of two cars simultaneously trying to make a left turn. The way the intersection is arranged, I only have to cross one direction of traffic while the other car has to cross two. A third car, driving down our shared lane of conflicting traffic which has right of way and no stop sign, decides to stop at the intersection out of the goodness of their heart. Without thinking about it, I make my left turn and realize 2 seconds later that I should have yielded to the other left-turning car, which has probably been stuck waiting there for a while.
In fact, this kind of thing happens to me outside of cars too: e.g., a friend opens a door but it's unclear whether they're opening it for themselves or to invite me through, and I slip through unthinkingly. Or I try to get onto an elevator before people get out.
Admittedly, I'm rarely paying 100% attention to where I'm going and how I'm getting there--but it's unrealistic to think that I can maintain 100% focus. So how can I train myself to be more polite without having to constantly monitor my behavior?
The latest example: I'm one of two cars simultaneously trying to make a left turn. The way the intersection is arranged, I only have to cross one direction of traffic while the other car has to cross two. A third car, driving down our shared lane of conflicting traffic which has right of way and no stop sign, decides to stop at the intersection out of the goodness of their heart. Without thinking about it, I make my left turn and realize 2 seconds later that I should have yielded to the other left-turning car, which has probably been stuck waiting there for a while.
In fact, this kind of thing happens to me outside of cars too: e.g., a friend opens a door but it's unclear whether they're opening it for themselves or to invite me through, and I slip through unthinkingly. Or I try to get onto an elevator before people get out.
Admittedly, I'm rarely paying 100% attention to where I'm going and how I'm getting there--but it's unrealistic to think that I can maintain 100% focus. So how can I train myself to be more polite without having to constantly monitor my behavior?
Ideally, politeness makes everything run smooth. Well, actually, there are many different ideals of what politeness does. But smoothness is the most relevant ideal for driving. Smoothness, and predictability.
In the context of driving, what makes everything run smooth is asking: "Who has the right of way?"
How can I learn to be aware of these situations before the fact?
... the other left-turning car, which has probably been stuck waiting there for a while.
Here's what you try to do whenever you arrive at an intersection: you glance around and notice which cars were there ahead of you. Make a mental note that they have the right of way (assuming you both have stop signs). Don't worry about who has more lanes to cross (unless that's legally relevant in your jurisdiction), or who looks like they've had a bad day. The point here is to avoid accidents, which can cause everyone concerned to have a very bad day indeed.
A third car, driving down our shared lane of conflicting traffic which has right of way and no stop sign, decides to stop at the intersection out of the goodness of their heart.
This sort of thing can be sweet and polite and THANKYOUTHANKYOU and I've often been grateful for it, but the downside is it can make things unpredictable, as in this case, when you were understandably confused about what to do. (Drivers commonly perform this kind of politeness towards me when I'm on my bike, and in those circumstances it's usually counterproductive.) Don't try to be this person, at least not until you feel you're ready for Advanced Attentiveness.
tl;dr: Just concentrate on who has the right of way, and act accordingly.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:44 AM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
In the context of driving, what makes everything run smooth is asking: "Who has the right of way?"
How can I learn to be aware of these situations before the fact?
... the other left-turning car, which has probably been stuck waiting there for a while.
Here's what you try to do whenever you arrive at an intersection: you glance around and notice which cars were there ahead of you. Make a mental note that they have the right of way (assuming you both have stop signs). Don't worry about who has more lanes to cross (unless that's legally relevant in your jurisdiction), or who looks like they've had a bad day. The point here is to avoid accidents, which can cause everyone concerned to have a very bad day indeed.
A third car, driving down our shared lane of conflicting traffic which has right of way and no stop sign, decides to stop at the intersection out of the goodness of their heart.
This sort of thing can be sweet and polite and THANKYOUTHANKYOU and I've often been grateful for it, but the downside is it can make things unpredictable, as in this case, when you were understandably confused about what to do. (Drivers commonly perform this kind of politeness towards me when I'm on my bike, and in those circumstances it's usually counterproductive.) Don't try to be this person, at least not until you feel you're ready for Advanced Attentiveness.
tl;dr: Just concentrate on who has the right of way, and act accordingly.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:44 AM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Scan the cars around you. Look for cues as to what they are trying to achieve in that moment. Do they want to get there fast? Change a lane for their exit? Coast in the slow lane? Sometimes insanely slow drivers are just "new in town" and paying attention to street signs and landmarks, so you can give them more space in case they suddenly need to slow down and turn.
Just like in life, driving is a conversation. Just try to read what people want out of the conversation and give them the space to achieve it. If you're trying to get into full elevators or taking things that others meant for themselves, you might just be focused on your own goals to the exclusion of others in that moment.
I don't know if you can turn off situational awareness and still achieve the result you desire.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:44 AM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Just like in life, driving is a conversation. Just try to read what people want out of the conversation and give them the space to achieve it. If you're trying to get into full elevators or taking things that others meant for themselves, you might just be focused on your own goals to the exclusion of others in that moment.
I don't know if you can turn off situational awareness and still achieve the result you desire.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:44 AM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
That you're worried about this and think back on events shows that you're already sufficiently conscientious about this sort of thing: phunniemee is right in that you've just got to pay a little more attention, which is simultaneously most important and hardest in cars since we're so insulated from others' humanity there and we're distracted by entertainments (phone, radio, etc.).
posted by resurrexit at 10:45 AM on October 23, 2014
posted by resurrexit at 10:45 AM on October 23, 2014
Response by poster: @feral_goldfish: In the described situation, I technically have right-of-way because my turn is at an implicit yield sign while the other driver has a stop sign. But I know this intersection and I know it really sucks to turn left at that point. So I feel guilty that the third driver's kindness was made useless by my thoughtlessness.
Thanks everyone for the reminder that I need to slow down and be less self-absorbed. I already drive alone with non-distracting background music or no music at all, but I frequently get distracted by my own thoughts.
posted by serelliya at 11:12 AM on October 23, 2014
Thanks everyone for the reminder that I need to slow down and be less self-absorbed. I already drive alone with non-distracting background music or no music at all, but I frequently get distracted by my own thoughts.
posted by serelliya at 11:12 AM on October 23, 2014
I agree that politeness, on the road, is often more a curse than a blessing. You had the right of way; you went. That's how it's supposed to work. Messing with people's expectations in the name of politeness is neither polite nor safe.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:17 AM on October 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 11:17 AM on October 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
In all but driving situations, the answer is to pay attention. You're getting on a crowded elevator before it can empty out? You can see that there are people inside the elevator, presumably who will wish to exit at some point. I believe this is called situational awareness.
But you asked about awareness while driving. Really, there's not much area for decisions about politeness. The politest thing you can do is to know the rules of right-of-way and obey then. In your example, the car with no stop sign should not have stopped, and to have done so introduces an unknown element. And at least in the state where I received my license, the car who approaches a 4-way stop first has right of way. If two cars approach at the exact same moment (which doesn't often happen), the rightmost car has right of way.
On your update: then it just sucks for the car stuck waiting. But he probably knows the intersection just as well as you, and could have chosen a different path if he really had wanted to. Just play by the posted rules, please.
posted by Liesl at 11:17 AM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
But you asked about awareness while driving. Really, there's not much area for decisions about politeness. The politest thing you can do is to know the rules of right-of-way and obey then. In your example, the car with no stop sign should not have stopped, and to have done so introduces an unknown element. And at least in the state where I received my license, the car who approaches a 4-way stop first has right of way. If two cars approach at the exact same moment (which doesn't often happen), the rightmost car has right of way.
On your update: then it just sucks for the car stuck waiting. But he probably knows the intersection just as well as you, and could have chosen a different path if he really had wanted to. Just play by the posted rules, please.
posted by Liesl at 11:17 AM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
It is polite to be predictable when moving around with others and this usually means taking the right-of-way when you have it. In the turning scenario, you have it. In the elevator scenario, you really don't have it. In the door scenario, it is unclear. Making a mistake can be a little rude, but noticing the mistake and not apologizing is really rude.
posted by soelo at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by soelo at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: As far as driving goes, get your hands on the rules of the road for your area. (Do they still have them in a paperback book for people in Driver's Ed? Or is everyone expected to go online these days?) Review them as needed until you feel confident that you know the rules for right-of-way.
Then follow them.
Yielding the right-of-way when you are entitled to it is confusing to other drivers, and can be dangerous.
Being polite in that instance means following the rules, because everybody is flying around in huge, powerful metal exoskeletons and not following the rules can get people seriously hurt, even if your intent is to be "nice." And the rules are set as they are for a reason: to ensure the safe and orderly flow of traffic. People sometimes get stuck, but nobody gets stuck forever. They'll get their turn eventually. Trust the system.
When walking around, there aren't hard and fast rules, of course, so you have to roll your own a little more. If doors are the trouble spot, train yourself that, every time you approach a door, even if there is not another human soul in sight, you will pause mentally as you approach. You should keep walking at your usual speed, just bring your focus away from your thoughts to the door, and assess. This way you get into the habit, and it will kick in automatically even as confusing door situations arise. Same thing for elevators. Train yourself to inhale one breath before stepping on—even if the elevator is empty. And if it's not, wait that one breath for others to exit if they need to.
posted by BrashTech at 12:20 PM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Then follow them.
Yielding the right-of-way when you are entitled to it is confusing to other drivers, and can be dangerous.
Being polite in that instance means following the rules, because everybody is flying around in huge, powerful metal exoskeletons and not following the rules can get people seriously hurt, even if your intent is to be "nice." And the rules are set as they are for a reason: to ensure the safe and orderly flow of traffic. People sometimes get stuck, but nobody gets stuck forever. They'll get their turn eventually. Trust the system.
When walking around, there aren't hard and fast rules, of course, so you have to roll your own a little more. If doors are the trouble spot, train yourself that, every time you approach a door, even if there is not another human soul in sight, you will pause mentally as you approach. You should keep walking at your usual speed, just bring your focus away from your thoughts to the door, and assess. This way you get into the habit, and it will kick in automatically even as confusing door situations arise. Same thing for elevators. Train yourself to inhale one breath before stepping on—even if the elevator is empty. And if it's not, wait that one breath for others to exit if they need to.
posted by BrashTech at 12:20 PM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Do not be in a hurry, do not be leisurely, do not be distracted, brake early and always use your turn signal.
posted by bz at 12:35 PM on October 23, 2014
posted by bz at 12:35 PM on October 23, 2014
You need to constantly monitor your behavior, sorry. Driving is almost certainly the most dangerous thing you do on a regular basis. You may want to search "defensive driving" to get examples of common accidents to watch out for and how to avoid them. Drive predictably and legally. Drive the speed limit - speeding increases the chance you'll get in an accident, increases the damage if an accident does occur, and doesn't get you where you're going significantly faster.
posted by momus_window at 1:16 PM on October 23, 2014
posted by momus_window at 1:16 PM on October 23, 2014
One polite thing you can do is not follow too closely to other cars. It can be upsetting to the person ahead to have someone riding their bumper. It also gives you a little more time to safely brake or let someone cut in.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:07 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:07 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
A good rule of thumb for doorways is: people coming out have priority over people going in. There are edge cases and counter-examples of course, but for lifts, trains, and narrow entrances (eg to a shop or office) you can do well in most cases by just bearing this in mind.
e.g. you're outside, and someone inside pushes the door open to come out. Let them come out first and then if they want to hold the door for you they can as you won't be in each others way. Even better, if you get there first, open the door and let them come out before you go in.
posted by crocomancer at 3:58 AM on October 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
e.g. you're outside, and someone inside pushes the door open to come out. Let them come out first and then if they want to hold the door for you they can as you won't be in each others way. Even better, if you get there first, open the door and let them come out before you go in.
posted by crocomancer at 3:58 AM on October 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
A lot of people in here have the right idea with paying the maximum amount of attention you can, but i have something to add to(or reiterate) on that and how it directly ties in to what you're saying.
Now, there are assholes out there. People who do completely beyond the pale fucking stupid dangerous shit that fucks over everyone around them while driving. Stuff that makes me say "Oh what the hell?" out loud.
The thing is, i'd say a lot of the "wtf asshole!" moments you encounter are not that platonic ideal of an asshole. I'd say that's like, a 10% asshole. Maybe, at worst, a 20% asshole. There aren't a lot of true sociopathic or myopic assholes out there who just want to race down the street with everyone ramming in to each other to avoid them. Even the ones who usually seem like it. And even then, a lot of them are predictably assholes.
When i'm not distracted by anything, and completely paying attention, it often almost feels like using the force or something where just by watching patterns and how people drift when they look or feint when they're about to change lanes/cut you off/etc you can just start to roll on the brakes or even lift off the gas way before it's even a problem.
I often get in this sort of deep, zen like nothing in the universe exists besides driving state during long road trips. And in retrospect i'll realize that in several days of driving, even in town driving off the highway, i only got pissed once or twice. I'm also never really cocking with the stereo during those kinds of drives, or pulling out my phone to use voice control, or whatever. I'm also not still in that warm up state where i just got in the car or otherwise distracted by other shit.
Frustration lowers with concentration, is what i'm saying. People, even if they're assholes, aren't surprising assholes when you're really in the zone and therefor the dickitude just rolls off your back.
Where the 10% assholes come in is that those are the people who are actively road raging, or being so ridiculous that you don't even see their stupid assholery coming.
Once you've done a lot of driving without really being distracted, you'll realize how rare those people are though.
I feel like i learned this from my dad, who throughout my childhood and teenage years drove a company truck all day from location to location they were contracting at. Tons of driving, like destroy a brand new truck in 4-5 years sort of driving. Nothing gets to him to anymore, and he always seems to have the perfect amount of focus on what's going on.
I mean you mentioned issues with this sort of thing in other aspects of life. But i think a good place to start is first removing distractions you have control over, and then working on trying to watch the people around you enough, all the time, that you start to notice when someone is doing something out of the ordinary that might get stupid if you didn't. Drifting in to your lane like they're looking or thinking about changing lanes, etc. Once you really watch what everyone does a lot for a while, you'll start to pick up on it. And once you do, everything becomes less frustrating.
posted by emptythought at 4:18 AM on October 24, 2014
Now, there are assholes out there. People who do completely beyond the pale fucking stupid dangerous shit that fucks over everyone around them while driving. Stuff that makes me say "Oh what the hell?" out loud.
The thing is, i'd say a lot of the "wtf asshole!" moments you encounter are not that platonic ideal of an asshole. I'd say that's like, a 10% asshole. Maybe, at worst, a 20% asshole. There aren't a lot of true sociopathic or myopic assholes out there who just want to race down the street with everyone ramming in to each other to avoid them. Even the ones who usually seem like it. And even then, a lot of them are predictably assholes.
When i'm not distracted by anything, and completely paying attention, it often almost feels like using the force or something where just by watching patterns and how people drift when they look or feint when they're about to change lanes/cut you off/etc you can just start to roll on the brakes or even lift off the gas way before it's even a problem.
I often get in this sort of deep, zen like nothing in the universe exists besides driving state during long road trips. And in retrospect i'll realize that in several days of driving, even in town driving off the highway, i only got pissed once or twice. I'm also never really cocking with the stereo during those kinds of drives, or pulling out my phone to use voice control, or whatever. I'm also not still in that warm up state where i just got in the car or otherwise distracted by other shit.
Frustration lowers with concentration, is what i'm saying. People, even if they're assholes, aren't surprising assholes when you're really in the zone and therefor the dickitude just rolls off your back.
Where the 10% assholes come in is that those are the people who are actively road raging, or being so ridiculous that you don't even see their stupid assholery coming.
Once you've done a lot of driving without really being distracted, you'll realize how rare those people are though.
I feel like i learned this from my dad, who throughout my childhood and teenage years drove a company truck all day from location to location they were contracting at. Tons of driving, like destroy a brand new truck in 4-5 years sort of driving. Nothing gets to him to anymore, and he always seems to have the perfect amount of focus on what's going on.
I mean you mentioned issues with this sort of thing in other aspects of life. But i think a good place to start is first removing distractions you have control over, and then working on trying to watch the people around you enough, all the time, that you start to notice when someone is doing something out of the ordinary that might get stupid if you didn't. Drifting in to your lane like they're looking or thinking about changing lanes, etc. Once you really watch what everyone does a lot for a while, you'll start to pick up on it. And once you do, everything becomes less frustrating.
posted by emptythought at 4:18 AM on October 24, 2014
A few years ago I was waiting to turn left across two lanes of traffic and, knowing that area well, it can sometimes be an obnoxiously long wait. A huge truck in the lane closest to me stopped to let me go, flashing his headlights at me. I felt pressured by his politeness and, without thinking, I went. I didn't even check the other lane. A woman hit me and her car got totalled. No one was hurt. It was obviously my fault and I'm so thankful it wasn't worse, but it's just an example that sometimes being polite is not the way to go. It gets confusing.
I would agree that the easiest way to become more considerate in most situations, like waiting for people to get off an elevator, is to slow down a bit. Be mindful and acknowledge yourself mentally when you find yourself being polite or impolite. It will become second nature in time.
posted by blackzinfandel at 8:22 PM on October 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would agree that the easiest way to become more considerate in most situations, like waiting for people to get off an elevator, is to slow down a bit. Be mindful and acknowledge yourself mentally when you find yourself being polite or impolite. It will become second nature in time.
posted by blackzinfandel at 8:22 PM on October 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
Many years ago, I was in a customer-interfacing position. My job was to answer common questions about our widgets, including sizing, installation, environmental limitations, what have you. And there was a guy who was asking all the same dumb questions that I'd answered a million times before, and I was explaining to him like he was five the ins and outs of fluid mechanics, and he said in this tired voice that he just needed this one particular bit of information, please. The thing that stood out was that he sounded just like my dad, and I had this moment of horror where I realized what a dick I was being, and how would I like it if someone were this rude to my dad, and it really kicked my ego's ass.
So that's my default thought now. If this person were someone I liked and thought nice things about, and they happened to fuck something up, would it be okay for me to be a dick to them? My answer for like fifteen years now has pretty much consistently been "no". Admittedly, there have been many occasions where I've been cranky or tired or just plain mean and the dickishness has gone forth from my soul, but I'm a lot more able to recognize it and apologize for it and recalibrate.
posted by disconnect at 8:49 AM on October 28, 2014
So that's my default thought now. If this person were someone I liked and thought nice things about, and they happened to fuck something up, would it be okay for me to be a dick to them? My answer for like fifteen years now has pretty much consistently been "no". Admittedly, there have been many occasions where I've been cranky or tired or just plain mean and the dickishness has gone forth from my soul, but I'm a lot more able to recognize it and apologize for it and recalibrate.
posted by disconnect at 8:49 AM on October 28, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
So with that in mind, try to go through life a little slower. Take a brief pause to consider those around you before you act. It will make you happier.
I would also like to strongly suggest that you do make an effort to pay 100% attention while driving. Today you just cut someone off. Tomorrow you could kill someone. It's not a politeness thing when it comes to driving. It is a don't kill other people thing. It is not safe to not pay attention.
posted by phunniemee at 10:31 AM on October 23, 2014 [7 favorites]