Am I long forgotten?
October 19, 2014 4:21 PM   Subscribe

During my last year in university (a few years ago), I always chatted (online) with a girl who went to the same department as me, and after many months, she told me that she had feelings for me.

I had feelings for her too, so we grew more intimate.

To clarify, this girl was not my first crush, but she is definitely the first one I had real feelings for. Anyway, shortly after, I had to travel to the UK and she had to travel to Singapore, and so we decided that since we were going to different places for an indefinite amount of time, having a long-distance relationship wasn't feasible. We stayed in touch on Facebook the way friends do. I left before her, and I noticed that in the months to follow, she changed from an introverted girl to a wild one. We grew more and more distant as we each focused on their own life. At one point I felt that she was very cold towards me, so I removed her from my friends list because seeing her in my feed was reminding too much of the good times. A few weeks later, she added me. I decided to message her in order to clear the air, so I told her something along the lines that she was a good friend and I hope she didn't feel bad. She replied: she was nice, but formal. As the days went by, we grew more and more apart.

A year or two went by and I met another girl who I really liked, so we got engaged. I really wanted it to work out because she was very special: she was beautiful, intelligent, and we had a lot in common. Meanwhile, my old girlfriend focused on her career. My engagement lasted a little over six months and although we both wanted it to work out, we decided that it wasn't going to and we amicably ended it.

I vowed to focus on my career and I did. Many months later, when I had ample time to reflect on my life and thoughts, I realized that my old university girlfriend never left my thoughts. Not a day went by when I didn't think of her. I'd watch a movie that she liked and remember her, or see someone in the street who reminded me of her. Even when I read a magazine and came across an article with her name, my heart would jump for a second. She's still on my facebook and from time to time I'd send her a link that I know she'd like (the way I do with all my friends), and she'd respond in a very nice way, but I always feel like she is formal and cold. I don't "like" her photos on facebook because I know she's the type of person who reads too much into things. She doesn't "like" my photos or posts either. I don't want her to think that I'm trying to get her back because I am not. I don't want to be the kind of person who tricks himself into thinking that their old relationship is the right one just because their other relationships didn't work out. That is not fair to her, or to me. I sincerely believe that it is too late, that we've become very different people, that we no longer have much in common, and that even if there was a chance, it wasn't going to work out because both of us is long settled in their jobs/cities. Maybe I'm drawn to the idea of being with her more than I am to the current her, because I always think of "what could have happened" instead of "what has happened". That said, I can't help but wonder, does she remember me the way I remember her? Should her formal and "I'm being nice and accommodating to you" attitude tell me that I am long forgotten?
posted by cyrusw8 to Human Relations (22 answers total)
 
Having had many experiences online roughly analogous to what you describe, all I can say is that if she's distant, it's probably because she's moved on. Things move fast on the Web and friendships that are here today are often gone tomorrow once people lose track of each other and end the daily interaction.
posted by Fukiyama at 4:33 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


What do you want out of this. If it's to rekindle a friendship or even a relationship, that's one thing, and I say go for it, with the caveat (which you clearly already understand) that you can't succeed if you are trying to interact with the what-ifs from way back when.

If it's just to feel some self-validation by knowing that she still thinks of you fondly sometimes, then please don't bother her about it. You'll just seem like a creep. With the relationship you have now, you have no right to investigate her feelings. Assume she does think of you fondly and let it be.
posted by 256 at 4:33 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I haven't been in a relationship for more than a year. I'll never ask her how she feels about me for the reasons I described above. I guess you can call it "self-validation", but it sounds too egocentric that way. I'll just feel better if the memories we had aren't only remembered by me, that's all.
posted by cyrusw8 at 4:37 PM on October 19, 2014


We can't control what others think about us. Frankly, it's not our business what people think of us. All that matters is being moral, doing what is right, forgiving yourself when you aren't moral or when you do the wrong thing, and learning from those mistakes.

It's not your business what she thinks of you or remembers about you. Sure, it might be nice if she thinks of you fondly. But it doesn't matter.

How do you feel about you and about your finished relationship with this woman? That's the only thing that should be relevant to you moving forward in the future.

I will say that I think of all my exes fondly from time to time, some more fondly than others and some more often than others. I even have nice thoughts about the man that abused me for three years. I also have not-so-nice thoughts about him.

Feelings are ever changing and we always view the past through the context of the present anyhow, so again: it does not matter how she thinks of you or your relationship. The thoughts won't be static anyhow. Some days she doesn't think of it at all. Some days she remembers it fondly. Some days she remembers it poorly. Who cares in what proportion or in what amount those thoughts occur? It's no one's business but her own anyhow.

Best of luck to you.
posted by sockermom at 4:54 PM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]


" I'll just feel better if the memories we had aren't only remembered by me, that's all."

Don't go there. Sounds like what I might have thought/done in my much younger, much dumber lifetime ago if/when I was trying to bolster my self-esteem. The memories are what they are for you, and what she may think/remember is entirely her business.
posted by WinterSolstice at 4:55 PM on October 19, 2014 [3 favorites]


The only way to know is to ask, and you really should not ask.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:00 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: In additional to my original question, what's the way to deal with her on facebook if you were in my shoes (likes, comments, ... even if she doesn't do it back or is cold)?
posted by cyrusw8 at 5:09 PM on October 19, 2014


It sounds like you're in the deep end of the nostalgia pool and she's probably not. It doesn't mean that she doesn't remember the fun times you had together, or that she doesn't like you anymore, or anything like that - it probably means that she has more going on in her life and is less lonely than you are. The way to fix this is not for you to really discover how she's thinking about your shared past, but to go get busy and less lonely yourself. And unfollow her on facebook.

There is no way for anyone here to answer "That said, I can't help but wonder, does she remember me the way I remember her?" She might. She might not. I have fond thoughts about exes, but they are not longing-for-the-past fond thoughts.
posted by rtha at 5:26 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


As to Facebook, I would unfollow her for now. In your post and follow ups you mention that you do not want to get back together with her and understand you have both moved on, yet you mention that you haven't been in a relationship for a year. If you 'really' have moved on, I don't think you would have mentioned this extra info, as it would have no relevance.
posted by Vaike at 5:34 PM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: You're right, it is irrelevant info. I only mentioned it because I misunderstood what the poster said. He wrote "With the relationship you have now" and I thought he thought that I was in a relationship, instead of understanding what he was really referring to, which is the kind of relationship I have with her now.
posted by cyrusw8 at 5:44 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


Hide her on Facebook. I hide people that make me feel bad and it is so nice. I like it better than unfriending because that always seems so final and passive aggressive. No one knows if they're hidden from your feed except you.

It took a long time for me to realize that taking care of myself means being honest with myself first. It sounds like you don't like how this breakup makes you feel. Breakups are hard. You don't feel good about it. Figure out what makes you feel good and what things make you feel bad. Looking at her Facebook and interacting with her on Facebook sounds like it makes you feel bad. Ween off of it by hiding her and not cheating by looking at her page. If you do look at her page, pay attention to how it makes you feel. Be honest with yourself.

Take care.
posted by sockermom at 5:56 PM on October 19, 2014 [5 favorites]


I would deal with her on Facebook the same way I would deal with any other person on Facebook:
- If seeing their posts was bothering me, I'd unfollow them
- If they posted something I liked, I would "like" it
- If I had something to say about what they posted I would comment on it.

I'm not sure I understand your situation, because you say that you send her special links to things and she responds and is "very nice" but yet somehow still "cold". I don't think it's possible to be both very nice and cold at the same time. I think you're expecting too much from her if you want her to act very warm with you and yet she's your ex who you haven't seen for years.

You also say that you can't even "like" her posts because she will read too much into it. She can't possibly read any more into it than what she's already reading into you sending her special links. If your communication on Facebook is as fraught as it sounds for you, you should probably at least unfollow her if not unfriend her. I suspect it is not as fraught as you think it may be for her, because she's the one who requested you be friends with her when you removed her last time. Either way, if you don't expect or want to have an actual relationship in the future with her, I think you ought to try to minimize the amount of space she's taking up in your head so that you can focus more on people closer to you and things that will make you happy.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:57 PM on October 19, 2014


If it helps, anecdotally, I am the type of person who stays friends with all my exes on Facebook, and my experience with them suggests that if you spent nice and intimate times with someone, even if it was years ago, they typically do remember those times warmly, even if you don't actually reminisce about them or have any ongoing personal relationship in which to discuss them. I suspect she wouldn't be friending you on Facebook and sending you very nice messages from time to time unless she had fond memories of you.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:01 PM on October 19, 2014


Response by poster: These days, having her on facebook gives me mixed feelings. Her photos remind me of how beautiful she is and the whole "what could have been" scenario comes into play. After the last link I sent her and the way she responded (maybe I was expecting more than a "thank you for this link, it is interesting--I was expecting her to send me something herself). I realize this is silly because I shouldn't expect much. Sometimes I come close to commenting on her photos and links, but I don't because she's always been the type of person who think that every word or gesture hides deeper meanings. I don't because she doesn't comment on or "like mine (I feel so silly talking about such trivial matters). At the same time I don't want to remove her from my friend's list because I don't like the idea of never being in contact with her again. It's like I'm keeping a distant possibility alive.

I never really knew why she friended me after I unfriended her. It came after a time when she was growing too wild in a weird, attention-seeking way, and I didn't want to see her updates anymore. It was also a time when we were cold to one another. Why would a woman friend an ex who unfriended her? I am not sure.
posted by cyrusw8 at 6:11 PM on October 19, 2014


Given how difficult it is to interpret the behavior of close friends in face-to-face interactions, trying to figure out exactly what your ex's friendly-but-distant responses to your messages mean strikes me as a rather hopeless endeavor.

It would probably be more fruitful to spend time thinking about why it is you are now thinking about her.

But to try and answer your question: I don't see any reason to believe that you have been forgotten. I think if you had, she simply wouldn't respond at all. There are plenty of people from my past that I think fondly of and wish well but would currently keep at arm's length. So, I don't think her cold tone should give you any reason to interpret her as having forgotten the time you shared.

I probably wouldn't interact with her on Facebook too much at the moment; it seems that she is filling a certain need that you have, but your feelings are probably less focused on her than on your ideas of her or memories or her or (more likely) memories of yourself at that stage in your life. There is certainly nothing wrong with indulging in these reveries but best not involve the target of your daydreams, if you can help it.
posted by girl flaneur at 6:14 PM on October 19, 2014


I think you're more in love with the idea of her than actually in love with her. When you're feeling lonely the idea of "the one that got away" can be very appealing, but at the end of the day you don't even really know her anymore.

Hide her on Facebook so she won't pop up in your news feed anymore and channel this energy into something useful.
posted by fox problems at 7:18 PM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]


So, you don't want to get together with her but you want to know that she feels/felt the same way about you as you feel/felt about her anyway.

The bad news is that you can't control how she feels about you or know all the inner workings of her emotions about you. The good news is that you can't control how she feels about you or know all the inner workings of her emotions about you.

Why is this good? Well, for one thing, if you don't actually want to get together with her (for all the good reasons you listed), then how she feels about you is basically irrelevant. Even if she did have the same fond feelings and memories that you have, it wouldn't have any impact, good or bad, on your life.

Once you accept this, you'll feel very liberated. And then you'll realize that it doesn't actually matter how you interact with her on Facebook. You can "like" her posts if you do, in fact, like them; you can make a comment if you have something to say; or you can hide her from your feed if you don't like seeing her posts. You're free to interact with her in any way you see fit (as long as you're polite and respectful, obviously).

Is it possible she may read into how you act on Facebook? Yes, but frankly, that's her problem to deal with. Remember? You can't know or control how she feels.
posted by lunasol at 7:25 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


you have a lot of history, so go slow. birthdays are a good day for a longer message about how great she is.

i think no one wants to get hurt.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:33 PM on October 19, 2014


1. get off facebook, or in teh very least block her / stop interacting with her.
2. send her a holiday card.
3. if she responds, that took a little time and initiative and maybe you can open up a conversation of "where are you now and would you consider dating" If she doesn't respond, shes out of your life for good, leave her alone.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:21 AM on October 20, 2014


Let her go. If it was meant to work out, it would have. Unfriend her, do it without making a BFD about it.

Occupy yourself with other things.

How much did you think of this woman when you were dating someone else, or engaged? I'll hazard a guess, hardly ever.

It should remain a sweet memory, and nothing more.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:33 AM on October 20, 2014 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I always thought about her.
posted by cyrusw8 at 9:37 AM on October 20, 2014


Trying to locate even one iota of your self-worth in the amount of facebook interaction you have with ANYONE is a toxic and life-ruining plan. Stop fantasizing about what might have been. She's a real person leading a real life, not a hypothetical sepia dream.

Whatever you do, don't buy her a banjo.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 9:45 AM on October 23, 2014


« Older What's the best way to proceed re: building a...   |   2 live dogs at the end of 2 weeks Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.