Help resolve a hygiene debate.

October 19, 2014 11:47 AM

Should you wash your hands after touching genitals (your own and/or a partner's)? Assume the partners in question are monogamous and STD's are not a concern.

Partner A thinks it's gross to touch other parts of the body after touching genitals, and keeps hand sanitizer bedside for this purpose. Partner B thinks this is silly and weird. Who is right?

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (33 answers total)

Smell your hand the next time you've touched your genitals. I'd be willing to bet your hand will smell like genitals. It's no good to go out into the world with genital hands.

But, "gross to touch other parts of the body after touching genitals"? If this is a sex partner, aren't their genitals touching your body all over, anyway? So, what's the big deal? Just shower after sex.

(I hope my mom never finds this account.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:51 AM on October 19, 2014 [34 favorites]

As above -shower after, yes. But hand sanitizer during? Is there a bottle of mouth wash bedside, as well?
posted by kellyblah at 11:52 AM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Uh, wow, this went in a completely different direction than what I was expecting. No, hand sanitizer is not necessary during sex. Now, between sex and making dinner. Absolutely.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:53 AM on October 19, 2014 [17 favorites]

augh no that's augh, no, genitals are no dirtier than the rest of you and significantly less dirty than mouths, which are presumably also in play

i mean yes, shower or at least wash your hands after but during?? also wouldn't that result in hand sanitizer getting in places it really really really extremely shouldn't be?
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:53 AM on October 19, 2014 [8 favorites]

I would be more concerned about the various chemicals in hand-sanitizer getting near mouths, eyes, genitals if used in bed. Ew.
posted by stray at 11:55 AM on October 19, 2014 [37 favorites]

People keep clean up cloths nearby as things get slipperier, but hand sanitizer seems super weird. I would also avoid getting sanitzer like that anywhere near my (female) junk, so I guess I'm assuming that's a non issue or else you're just not using hands below the waist after you use it? Is there some weird shame ("sex is dirty") aspect to this?
posted by juliplease at 11:57 AM on October 19, 2014

Years ago I heard someone with some sort of medical authority (even if only pop media, like Dr. Dean Edell) you'd wash your hands before going to the bathroom, and not worry about after. I mean, sure, feces carries lots of bacteria, but your other mucus membranes are way more worrisome as targets of infection rather than sources.
posted by straw at 12:01 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'll add a voice for "weird and unnecessary." Shower before and/or after, and wash your hands before going and making sandwiches for guests, but hand sanitizer during seems different and not in a good way.
posted by Dip Flash at 12:15 PM on October 19, 2014

This would be a red flag for me that the person was ignorant or phobic without self-awareness. Have they never had sex before to notice that nobody else ever does this?
posted by rhizome at 12:17 PM on October 19, 2014 [12 favorites]

I've always felt the opposite is true. I hate getting yeast infections and I shudder at the thought of a partner not washing his hands prior jamming them into the general region of my crotch (or more horrible yet, "cleaning" his hands with nasty hand sanitizer in lieu of unscented soap and water). The area is normally one of the body parts most protected by clothing from the elements. Unless someone has an infection or washroom habits that result in feces smeared in that area I cannot imagine the genitals being anything other than one of the cleanest parts of the body.

The genitals are not "dirty" but perhaps Partner A has issues surrounding that zone. There is no amount of explanation or proof one can use to change their mind. It is just like how I am terrified (and "rationally" so) by all insects. A lot of people have the same attitudes as Partner A so it is not as though they are strange.

Based on your question, either stance is correct depending on the overall hygiene of the genitals. Keep in mind some people do not wash properly in the region and it can be very unpleasant to encounter. If Partner A is accustomed to situations where the genitals are spritzed lightly in the shower (and the accumulations that build up in skin folds are not cleaned) yes, I can see why they would expect handwashing after genital touching.
posted by partly squamous and partly rugose at 12:22 PM on October 19, 2014 [3 favorites]

Partner A thinks it's gross to touch other parts of the body after touching genitals, and keeps hand sanitizer bedside for this purpose. Partner B thinks this is silly and weird. Who is right?

Framing this as a "one of us right and one of us is wrong (but I'm pretty sure it's you)" isn't helpful, especially when it deals with someone's beliefs.

OP, ask yourself, what's your goal here? Do you want your partner to cheerfully be touching your genitals or do you want them getting hung up on whether you think they're weird and mentally killing the mood for them? 'Cause the internet can definitely help you feel as though you're right, but when it's all said and done, we'll be off touching someone else's junk (or our own) and you'll still be stuck with this argument with your partner.

Is this a matter of the use of hand sanitize killing the mood for you? If so, talk about it when your partner. See if you two can reach a compromise, say a scented sanitizer that you both like or showering together afterwards.

Pro tip: don't call your intimate partner's actions or beliefs weird, they're just "something you haven't encountered yet".
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:31 PM on October 19, 2014 [5 favorites]

I don't see any reason to presume which side of the debate the Asker is on.

This seems like a highly personal preference type thing I guess but - I would not want someone's hand sanitizer-clad hands all over me, because it is sting-y, and ESPECIALLY not back in the genital region because ow super sting-y. So that would make me think hands on genitals time was over, which seems weird and kind of breaks the rhythm of things, no?
posted by sweetkid at 12:36 PM on October 19, 2014

OP, do you know why your partner believes what they believe? Do they feel use hand sanitizer in general? Are they big on being clean and having their environment clean? If so, is this connected to some underlying issue?

Food for thought!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:40 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

Washing/showering before is fine, washing after is fine. Washing/showering after is also fine. Their hand sanitiser thing isn't weird, it's just their comfort level, if you are not comfortable with them doing it that's your comfort level both are fine. I would worry however about the alcohol in the sanitiser getting in places it might sting like eyes mouths etc though. Do they have issues with cleanliness etc in areas other than sex? Maybe you can come up with a compromise that works for you both. Even just a simple towel or a warm wet face cloth to avoid the alcohol & to wipe their hands on might help. A "sex towel" on the bedside or around to wipe up any spills or fluids that get places you'd rather they not sit & congeal is pretty common so it wouldn't be any weirder than that.
posted by wwax at 12:47 PM on October 19, 2014

Should you wash your hands after touching genitals (your own and/or a partner's)?

Nah. I mean, it's just some cock & balls & vag. It's not radioactive waste.

I'd wash my hands before going to make food or before rubbing my eyes, but I'd do that regardless of what I was doing beforehand.
posted by jingzuo at 12:53 PM on October 19, 2014 [4 favorites]

Partner B is right. Partner A is being silly. And yes, this is weird.

Is Partner A also gargling with said sanitizer after certain acts? Would there be no sex (or masturbation, sounds like) if there were no hand sanitizer to be used after?

Don't get me wrong: Some clean up is necessary (showers, toys put in the dishwasher, etc.), but going directly for sanitizer after any genital contact is so strange as to be kin to insult. Unless there is some part to the story we're not hearing--?
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 12:56 PM on October 19, 2014

Is Person A like this when they touch their own genitals? Or just when they touch Person B's? Is person B sure that their genitals are completely clean? Maybe it would help if Person B took a shower before sexytiems so that Person A feels more comfortable. If this still doesn't help Person A, I think they're being unreasonable.

I'm aware that this is going to be extremely unsexy for a lot of people, but for a subset it will be very hot: disposable (latex or nitrile) gloves. Entire problem solved. You can buy huge boxes for very cheap.
posted by desjardins at 12:57 PM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

If the question is anal play, that may be an issue. I understand that most women wouldn't want fecal material introduced into the vaginal area.

Soap and water over hand sanitizer, though.
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 12:59 PM on October 19, 2014 [4 favorites]

Given the amount of microbes that your hands come into contact with every day, compared to how many surfaces your genitals touch, I'd be more worried about dirty hands touching clean(er) genitals. Hope partner A washes their hands before they touch their partner after doing such things as touching door handles and keyboards.

Your genitals have only your own bacteria, generally. If you catch the bus or touch money or door handles or shake hands, just think how many different people's germs you might come into contact with.

Hand sanitiser is good, but soap and water is better. Sanitiser will kill bugs and some viruses, but your hands are then covered with dead bugs. Soap and washer will kill them and then wash them off your skin.
posted by Solomon at 1:13 PM on October 19, 2014

I'm super aware of genitals having a somewhat different microbial population than the rest of the body, but... yeah, no on the hand sanitizer. Those subpopulations of microbes are due to the environment that each thrives in (dark and wet? cooler and dryer?) far moreso than any kind of genital specific gunkiness. You can smear a lot of, uh... genital fluids... onto other parts of your body and still not get those yeast and bacteria to take hold, because they're not well adapted for that area.

I still wash my hands after sex though, because, y'know. Sex-hand smell.
posted by deludingmyself at 1:51 PM on October 19, 2014

Wash hands before and after. If there's anal play and plans for vaginal play after, wash with soap and water. No hand sanitizer during. I'd think it was weird, off-putting, and I'd wonder if my partner found me repulsive in some way.
posted by quince at 2:14 PM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Yeah, odd. Try having sex in the shower. That way things are getting clean before, after and during!
posted by Athanassiel at 2:47 PM on October 19, 2014

Should you wash your hands after touching genitals (your own and/or a partner's)?

Depends. Are you going to bed/watching TV afterwards or meeting your boss for dinner?

That said, some people are just fastidious in that way and it doesn't need to be considered insulting or anything--it's just a preference.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:49 PM on October 19, 2014

Thing is, there really isn't a 'right' or 'wrong'. Each person will have their own comfort level and they may not match up. It's not a right or wrong, rather a conversation about comfort levels.
posted by Vaike at 3:37 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

there really isn't a 'right' or 'wrong'

Except the other person might have a stake in not wishing to have burning chemicals on or near their tender parts. So for me, that would fall definitively under 'wrong.'

How about a damp washcloth? That would avoid the alcohol and whatever other stingy, stinky crap is in there.

Sex and applying hand sanitizer should be mutually exclusive events.
posted by sageleaf at 4:26 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

Hand sanitizer is pretty gross, but i put up with it in certain circumstances. I mean, i really wish you could throw up a clarification post with a mod here about whether this is during sexytimes like "ew, you touched my genitalia, use hand sanitizer before you touch me anywhere else" or just like, before or after. Because that's how it reads, and before or after i'd want just regular soapy water and would think hand sanitizer basically just smeared whatever was on my hands around because it doesn't wash things. During? that's just really weird.

I would definitely sit this person down and have a talk with them about how it makes you feel like shit that think your genitals are so gross that they don't want to touch anything else after they touch them, and that it's pretty sad that they feel that way about their own.

Someone has some serious underlying issues here and needs like some therapy or something, because this is not normal and it's also pretty psychologically unhealthy, even if you divorce it from the points above about getting stingy hand sanitizer stuff on your tender bits(since yea, that doesn't just evaporate, you can feel it even if you wash your hands hours later).

I've dated people with similar weirdness to this, and it seems like it always comes from either some cleanliness compulsion that bleeds in to other areas of life, or some kind of deep seated shame and associations with their genitals being disgusting and unclean.

I think the #1 question here is if you guys both just showered, like minutes before, do they still do this? because if that's the case, i'd definitely file this under the "weird psychological uncleanliness" thing. If not, then it's probably a higher than normal standard of cleanliness but... as an extremely odorous guy, even a couple hours after a shower in temperate weather with deodorant and everything(who knows several people of any gender who are the same way), i could maybe understand that. It would probably still bug me, but it's not GONADS ARE GROSS NO MATTER WHAT OMG.

The former is a problem they need to work on, the latter is something i'd probably just work with. General cleanliness is something that can be adapted to, weird hatred of normal body stuff is something that needs professional intervention.
posted by emptythought at 4:48 PM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

If one partner has a strong preference (possibly an issue, but hey, who doesn't have issues...) for hand washing after touching genitals, then you should oblige them. Part of being able to feel safe and open with your partner is them accepting your needs, even if your needs are not completely rational. Doesn't matter who's right, make your partner feel safe.

That said, and not that you specified gender, but hand washing is critical *before* touching female genitals intimately. You do not want to learn this the hard way. Washing afterwards is a matter of personal preference, but probably a good idea, especially if your next task is cooking, or meeting other people. Hand sanitizer should not come into contact with female genitals, and probably isn't too great for male, either. Using it after sex, again, would be personal preference but if there's any chance of more intimate touching, standard hand washing would be much better...and cause less stinging.
posted by AliceBlue at 5:44 PM on October 19, 2014

there really isn't a 'right' or 'wrong'

Except the other person might have a stake in not wishing to have burning chemicals on or near their tender parts.

Exactly. That's why this is about individual needs. If your partner has a phobia, and you have a chemical sensitivity, for example, then it should be discussed and see if something can be worked out or not. Just saying one is wrong and one is right never seems to get far when it comes to relationships. At least in my experience.
posted by Vaike at 5:46 PM on October 19, 2014

If the situation is sanitizer after sex, I would probably roll my eyes but accept it as a harmless quirk. However, during sex? As I just said to Mr. sfkiddo, if he did that during sex, we would not be having a conversation about it. I wouldn't put it as right or wrong, but I would find that incredibly disruptive and insulting.

(Also, does Partner A insist that Partner B do the same thing after touching their genitals? Or is this only after they touch Partner B? Because that is a completely different scenario.)
posted by sfkiddo at 6:37 PM on October 19, 2014

Partner A thinks it's gross to touch other parts of the body after touching genitals,

Huh. That is not a perspective I am familiar with. I am a lady with a male partner and I sometimes need to get a little pushy about "Hey if those fingers have been near anyone's butt they are not going anywhere near my vag!" but that's it. And even then I would not want hand sanitizer anywhere near my sexytimes for aforementioned burning reasons. But I am one of those "We use too much anti-bacterial soap as a culture" people, personally. And it's not at all unusual for people to be a bit particular about butt play and cleanliness which fall a lot more into the "normal" range.

However, good sex is all about good communication and you need to either decide if this is a dealbreaker or find a way to make it work out. But, if we're voting, that sounds odd to me and I wouldn't like it.
posted by jessamyn at 8:37 PM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

It's good to wash hands (with soap and water) before going out into the world, because, yeah, after vigorous sex, your hands will smell like sex/genitals/fluids and that's not cute. I also prefer to wash hands when it's time to transition from sexytimes to other stuff times, because, ick.

But for hygienic purposes, no, it doesn't matter.

Also I would not wash hands immediately after touching my own or my partner's genitals briefly. I mean, it's just skin, same as any other part of your body.

What does your partner think is on genitals that is going to immediately poison them? Surely any bacteria hanging out on your junk is just as dangerous down on your junk as it is on your hands.

Rules are different if by "genitals" you mean anal anything. I'm religious about washing hands immediately after any anal play. And I wouldn't accept just hand sanitizer -- I want soap and hot water and a thorough scrub, including under the nails.
posted by Sara C. at 10:03 PM on October 19, 2014

"I still wash my hands after sex though, because, y'know. Sex-hand smell."

Oh, that's exactly why I don't wash my hands.

Think I'm with Pardner B on this one.
posted by PaulBGoode at 10:05 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

Despite being somebody with a sensitive sense of smell who won't go down on her partner unless partner has bathed fairly recently, I think using hand sanitizer during sex is way, way over the line into hygiene-related dysfunction. If A is waiting until after sex to use it, okay, but why not just get up to wash one's hands at that point instead of lying there dealing with the feeling of "my hands are covered with neutralized filth"? There's nothing wrong with using the bathroom after sex (and if somebody's prone to yeast infections, it's advised).

Surely I'm not the only person who doesn't actually feel clean after using hand sanitizer. It's better than nothing, but not as good as actually washing.
posted by Lexica at 7:21 PM on October 20, 2014 [3 favorites]