Am I over-reacting and over-sensitive
October 18, 2014 10:34 AM Subscribe
I'm feeling extremely vulnerable, frustrated and upset.
My husband and I don't communicate well. While I try to talk to him he's most definitely a 'man's man' and if I get upset about things he says I need to 'get a grip on myself' etc. (further info inside - sorry for the long post)
I don't know what to do anymore. For the past few years I've been kind of holding things together by using distractions about my problems, but have at times said to my husband that I'm not happy and that we need to sort things out. My main problems are:
1) Husband wants sex morning and night - I have gone right off sex and end up pushing him away when he tries it on. I often end up masturbating him simply to get him off my back. I understand this is not a great way for a relationship but I've suggested counselling and he is of the opinion that it is me that needs to 'sort myself out' or go to the doctor's to get something.
2) My son (who's 18) works for his dad (my husband). I said something to my son a couple of months ago about how much his salary costs affect our family budget (I was having a bit of a dig seeing that I'd asked him a couple of questions and he couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge me). I realised once I said it that I shouldn't have done and apologised for this. After this my husband took me aside and told me it was a nasty thing to say, how could I say such a thing and to 'sort myself out'. I agreed I was out of order and said that I had apologised - my husband said that it was no good saying sorry and that I shouldn't have said it etc etc. This ended up in myself and husband falling out because I was upset that I'd apologised and was getting reprimanded again by him.
Fast forward 2 weeks later and husband brings it up again. Telling me that my son had mentioned it to him again and my husband went on about it saying that it was a terrible thing to say and to make sure I didn't do it again.
I was upset and said what could I do to help my son forgive me. My husband said to leave it and that I should just concentrate on being a nice person and that I shouldn't have said it.
Fast forward bedtime. I was upset and tired and felt that my husband was rubbing my nose in it a bit.
He was in feeling horny but I wasn't. I explained that I was still upset about my son bringing this up again. He said to 'get over it and stop moaning, what about him? He was sick of me spoiling his fun and I should concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past and any chance sex!
I'm probably not making much sense here but I'm feeling so helpless, sad and frustrated.
I just don't know what to do anymore - how do I get over this guilt feeling regarding my son - or should I even be thinking like this. It was a spur of the moment thing when he'd been acting like a spoilt teenager and it came out about his expenses.
Am I over-reacting regarding my husband bringing this up again? How do I sort out the sexual side of our relationship when I really don't even want to have sex?
For the record we've been married 25 years have 1 child - our son who's 18.
I know you're going to ask me if I love my husband - I guess I do sometimes but he is a dominating individual who is always right and it's difficult to like him.
I've explained some of the things that happen to my friends - they all think that it's him not me - but I understand that they're only hearing it from my point of view. I would really appreciate honest answers here. If it is my problem I can do something about it.
Thanks in advance.
I don't know what to do anymore. For the past few years I've been kind of holding things together by using distractions about my problems, but have at times said to my husband that I'm not happy and that we need to sort things out. My main problems are:
1) Husband wants sex morning and night - I have gone right off sex and end up pushing him away when he tries it on. I often end up masturbating him simply to get him off my back. I understand this is not a great way for a relationship but I've suggested counselling and he is of the opinion that it is me that needs to 'sort myself out' or go to the doctor's to get something.
2) My son (who's 18) works for his dad (my husband). I said something to my son a couple of months ago about how much his salary costs affect our family budget (I was having a bit of a dig seeing that I'd asked him a couple of questions and he couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge me). I realised once I said it that I shouldn't have done and apologised for this. After this my husband took me aside and told me it was a nasty thing to say, how could I say such a thing and to 'sort myself out'. I agreed I was out of order and said that I had apologised - my husband said that it was no good saying sorry and that I shouldn't have said it etc etc. This ended up in myself and husband falling out because I was upset that I'd apologised and was getting reprimanded again by him.
Fast forward 2 weeks later and husband brings it up again. Telling me that my son had mentioned it to him again and my husband went on about it saying that it was a terrible thing to say and to make sure I didn't do it again.
I was upset and said what could I do to help my son forgive me. My husband said to leave it and that I should just concentrate on being a nice person and that I shouldn't have said it.
Fast forward bedtime. I was upset and tired and felt that my husband was rubbing my nose in it a bit.
He was in feeling horny but I wasn't. I explained that I was still upset about my son bringing this up again. He said to 'get over it and stop moaning, what about him? He was sick of me spoiling his fun and I should concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past and any chance sex!
I'm probably not making much sense here but I'm feeling so helpless, sad and frustrated.
I just don't know what to do anymore - how do I get over this guilt feeling regarding my son - or should I even be thinking like this. It was a spur of the moment thing when he'd been acting like a spoilt teenager and it came out about his expenses.
Am I over-reacting regarding my husband bringing this up again? How do I sort out the sexual side of our relationship when I really don't even want to have sex?
For the record we've been married 25 years have 1 child - our son who's 18.
I know you're going to ask me if I love my husband - I guess I do sometimes but he is a dominating individual who is always right and it's difficult to like him.
I've explained some of the things that happen to my friends - they all think that it's him not me - but I understand that they're only hearing it from my point of view. I would really appreciate honest answers here. If it is my problem I can do something about it.
Thanks in advance.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
The 1950s, having ended somewhere around 1960, are no longer allowed to enforce their sexual politics on you. Your husband is being a jerk to you and still expecting you to service his sexual needs. He isn't entitled to treat you like that and he isn't entitled to have sex with you.
Not being interested in sex ever is possibly a problem on your side, but a) he's being the opposite of supportive about whatever medical issues might be causing and b) it seems far more likely that you're not interested in having sex with him because he's being a jerk to you a lot. By all means, see a doctor and talk about things that might be leading to a lower sex drive, but do it for you, because you want to be healthy, and not because he's a jerk.
Consider getting your own counselling if he won't go for couples therapy. A counsellor can help you figure out what you want out of this relationship or if you want out of this relationship. If he doesn't even want to be involved in that conversation, that should go a long way to helping you figure it out.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:47 AM on October 18, 2014 [18 favorites]
Not being interested in sex ever is possibly a problem on your side, but a) he's being the opposite of supportive about whatever medical issues might be causing and b) it seems far more likely that you're not interested in having sex with him because he's being a jerk to you a lot. By all means, see a doctor and talk about things that might be leading to a lower sex drive, but do it for you, because you want to be healthy, and not because he's a jerk.
Consider getting your own counselling if he won't go for couples therapy. A counsellor can help you figure out what you want out of this relationship or if you want out of this relationship. If he doesn't even want to be involved in that conversation, that should go a long way to helping you figure it out.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:47 AM on October 18, 2014 [18 favorites]
You leave, is what you do.
Your husband has no compassion, isn't interested in being your partner, and just wants you to be an orifice who doesn't bother him.
You'll be able to have a better relationship with your son when this is all over.
You need to understand that you are not a magician, you don't "make" other people act badly and you can't make them NOT act badly either. There is nothing in the world you can do to make him love you, that's his choice to make and he's made it.
Go to therapy without him. They can help you do what you need to do.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:48 AM on October 18, 2014 [64 favorites]
Your husband has no compassion, isn't interested in being your partner, and just wants you to be an orifice who doesn't bother him.
You'll be able to have a better relationship with your son when this is all over.
You need to understand that you are not a magician, you don't "make" other people act badly and you can't make them NOT act badly either. There is nothing in the world you can do to make him love you, that's his choice to make and he's made it.
Go to therapy without him. They can help you do what you need to do.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:48 AM on October 18, 2014 [64 favorites]
What are you getting out of this relationship? I'm not seeing how being single would be worse in any way.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:50 AM on October 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 10:50 AM on October 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
If it is my problem I can do something about it.
The thing you can do is make plans to get yourself away from this terrible person and leave. This doesn't sound like a relationship. It sounds like a prison.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:52 AM on October 18, 2014 [12 favorites]
The thing you can do is make plans to get yourself away from this terrible person and leave. This doesn't sound like a relationship. It sounds like a prison.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:52 AM on October 18, 2014 [12 favorites]
Why are you married to this horrible person? I mean genuinely: every day you choose to be there, miserable. What motivates you to make that choice?
posted by DarlingBri at 10:59 AM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:59 AM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
It is impossible to tell from this who is at more at fault.
posted by jpe at 11:18 AM on October 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by jpe at 11:18 AM on October 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
If it is my problem I can do something about it.
Conversely, if it is not your problem you can't do anything about it.... Except. You can do one thing. There is only one thing you can do to fix this situation. You can walk away from him. Wow! I know, it sounds dramatic. It's a lot of work and a lot of pain and will be incredibly difficult. You probably don't even want to do it. I know I didn't. But seriously: that is almost certainly your only option at this point.
The is the essential fallacy of being in a relationship like the one you describe is that you can fix it and have a better relationship together. The controlling partner makes the person being controlled feel like it is their problem and their fault; "it" is the current issue, but there will always be an "it" in relationships like this. All you have to do is X and it will vanish and everyone will be happy again!
Except X is almost always not possible and it is ever-changing. There will always be something that he finds wrong with you. And you will try to fix those things until you realize one day: "Hey. I... who am I? I don't even recognize myself. I'm a stuffed animal. I'm a teddy bear! He takes me out of the closet to play with me when he wants, and puts me back in when he feels like it, and if he feels like playing mean today, he's going to play mean. And if he feels like taking off my clothes, he's going to do it. And if he wants to have sex, he's going to bully me into it or bully me for weeks if I don't just lie down and say yes." Maybe a teddy bear isn't as good of an analogy as a blow-up doll. Either way, people like this work to reduce your agency and your identity because they want total control. They want to have a toy that they can play with however they like, whenever they like.
That is not a marriage or a relationship. You are not an object. You are a human woman! You deserve to be treated like a person, not like a doll. No one deserves to be treated like garbage by someone who says they love them.
Here's a sample of the things that I heard when I was with a man like your husband:
- If you learned how to listen better, I wouldn't have to yell at you
- If you lost weight and took better care of your body, I'd be willing to tell people that we were dating (I weighed 94 pounds when he said that)
- If you didn't fall asleep while we were watching movies, I wouldn't have to lock you in the bedroom
- If you weren't so stupid, I wouldn't have to help you with your work so much (I don't want to brag, but there is no way in hell that anyone sane would call me stupid.)
Sorry, I can't go on, it's too painful to even think about all the awful things he said about me and my character, or about the punishments he doled out to me to "teach me" how to be better. Suffice it to say that I am in a much better place now. A much better place. Guess where that is? In my own house with my own rules and my own food and my own sleep schedule. It took a long time to get from there to here, but it was worth every painful minute.
Do NOT go to couples therapy with your husband. Get your own therapist - I really think this was an essential part of me leaving my similar guy - but do NOT do couples therapy. Couples therapy will not work.
Take care of yourself.
Also: let's say you decide right now that you're going to stay. What you need to do for yourself is to work on your personal boundaries. This is a good thing to do with a therapist. What types of behavior do you allow in your life? What types of things do you not want in your life? What do you do for you? What are your favorite things? Your hobbies, your friends? Start really working on developing yourself and your life, outside of the marriage. Start doing self-care every day: hot baths, walks, cooking good meals.
Your husband will probably try to thwart these activities. Take note, pay attention, and think about your boundaries. What type of behaviors do you want in your life? How will you be spoken to? What are things that you will not tolerate?
You can love someone and still be unwilling to tolerate their basic behaviors. I loved my ex, but I finally drew some boundaries and said to him, "I won't be treated this way any more," and he said, "But it's your fault I treat you this way!" This happened over and over and over throughout our relationship but at some point I was finally able to say: "Oh, no. It is no one's fault but your own. You are responsible for your behavior." And I walked. And now I'm free.
And to that end, you are responsible for your behavior. Figure out what lines you need to draw to have a happy life. Draw them. Take care.
posted by sockermom at 11:22 AM on October 18, 2014 [42 favorites]
Conversely, if it is not your problem you can't do anything about it.... Except. You can do one thing. There is only one thing you can do to fix this situation. You can walk away from him. Wow! I know, it sounds dramatic. It's a lot of work and a lot of pain and will be incredibly difficult. You probably don't even want to do it. I know I didn't. But seriously: that is almost certainly your only option at this point.
The is the essential fallacy of being in a relationship like the one you describe is that you can fix it and have a better relationship together. The controlling partner makes the person being controlled feel like it is their problem and their fault; "it" is the current issue, but there will always be an "it" in relationships like this. All you have to do is X and it will vanish and everyone will be happy again!
Except X is almost always not possible and it is ever-changing. There will always be something that he finds wrong with you. And you will try to fix those things until you realize one day: "Hey. I... who am I? I don't even recognize myself. I'm a stuffed animal. I'm a teddy bear! He takes me out of the closet to play with me when he wants, and puts me back in when he feels like it, and if he feels like playing mean today, he's going to play mean. And if he feels like taking off my clothes, he's going to do it. And if he wants to have sex, he's going to bully me into it or bully me for weeks if I don't just lie down and say yes." Maybe a teddy bear isn't as good of an analogy as a blow-up doll. Either way, people like this work to reduce your agency and your identity because they want total control. They want to have a toy that they can play with however they like, whenever they like.
That is not a marriage or a relationship. You are not an object. You are a human woman! You deserve to be treated like a person, not like a doll. No one deserves to be treated like garbage by someone who says they love them.
Here's a sample of the things that I heard when I was with a man like your husband:
- If you learned how to listen better, I wouldn't have to yell at you
- If you lost weight and took better care of your body, I'd be willing to tell people that we were dating (I weighed 94 pounds when he said that)
- If you didn't fall asleep while we were watching movies, I wouldn't have to lock you in the bedroom
- If you weren't so stupid, I wouldn't have to help you with your work so much (I don't want to brag, but there is no way in hell that anyone sane would call me stupid.)
Sorry, I can't go on, it's too painful to even think about all the awful things he said about me and my character, or about the punishments he doled out to me to "teach me" how to be better. Suffice it to say that I am in a much better place now. A much better place. Guess where that is? In my own house with my own rules and my own food and my own sleep schedule. It took a long time to get from there to here, but it was worth every painful minute.
Do NOT go to couples therapy with your husband. Get your own therapist - I really think this was an essential part of me leaving my similar guy - but do NOT do couples therapy. Couples therapy will not work.
Take care of yourself.
Also: let's say you decide right now that you're going to stay. What you need to do for yourself is to work on your personal boundaries. This is a good thing to do with a therapist. What types of behavior do you allow in your life? What types of things do you not want in your life? What do you do for you? What are your favorite things? Your hobbies, your friends? Start really working on developing yourself and your life, outside of the marriage. Start doing self-care every day: hot baths, walks, cooking good meals.
Your husband will probably try to thwart these activities. Take note, pay attention, and think about your boundaries. What type of behaviors do you want in your life? How will you be spoken to? What are things that you will not tolerate?
You can love someone and still be unwilling to tolerate their basic behaviors. I loved my ex, but I finally drew some boundaries and said to him, "I won't be treated this way any more," and he said, "But it's your fault I treat you this way!" This happened over and over and over throughout our relationship but at some point I was finally able to say: "Oh, no. It is no one's fault but your own. You are responsible for your behavior." And I walked. And now I'm free.
And to that end, you are responsible for your behavior. Figure out what lines you need to draw to have a happy life. Draw them. Take care.
posted by sockermom at 11:22 AM on October 18, 2014 [42 favorites]
If I ever behaved like this towards my wife, my possessions would be out on the kerb within a day.
posted by pipeski at 11:40 AM on October 18, 2014 [22 favorites]
posted by pipeski at 11:40 AM on October 18, 2014 [22 favorites]
You're not over-reacting and you're not over-sensitive and you don't love him. It sounds like he doesn't deserve your love anyway, not that it matters whether he does or doesn't.
Also, if he wants to have sex and you don't he can take care of business on his own. Does he have carpal tunnel?
It's pretty hard and maybe impossible to get out of a bad relationship that is decades long, but maybe try to envision yourself out of this life and into a different one -- just a life where you didn't get yelled at for expressing an opinion and then have to jerk off the guy who yelled at you.
Just imagine what that life would be like, what food you'd have in the refrigerator. What music you'd listen to. What you'd wear to bed. I bet it's pretty sweet.
It's within your grasp.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:48 AM on October 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
Also, if he wants to have sex and you don't he can take care of business on his own. Does he have carpal tunnel?
It's pretty hard and maybe impossible to get out of a bad relationship that is decades long, but maybe try to envision yourself out of this life and into a different one -- just a life where you didn't get yelled at for expressing an opinion and then have to jerk off the guy who yelled at you.
Just imagine what that life would be like, what food you'd have in the refrigerator. What music you'd listen to. What you'd wear to bed. I bet it's pretty sweet.
It's within your grasp.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:48 AM on October 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks so far for all your responses I'm sitting here crying. Stupid but reading what you say is making me feel a bit sorry for myself, stupid and scared.
Moving out just seems such a huge huge step to take and the way I'm feeling (exhausted) makes me wonder if I can ever do it.
I'm not on a huge salary and would hate to leave my son behind (there's no way my husband would move out).
The thought of having my own place, doing my own thing, going to bed when I want seems like absolute paradise.
posted by Flowerpower at 11:52 AM on October 18, 2014 [31 favorites]
Moving out just seems such a huge huge step to take and the way I'm feeling (exhausted) makes me wonder if I can ever do it.
I'm not on a huge salary and would hate to leave my son behind (there's no way my husband would move out).
The thought of having my own place, doing my own thing, going to bed when I want seems like absolute paradise.
posted by Flowerpower at 11:52 AM on October 18, 2014 [31 favorites]
Your son being 18 will not be left behind. He's an adult who can choose where and with whom he spends his time. You need to take care of you right now.
posted by cecic at 11:54 AM on October 18, 2014 [58 favorites]
posted by cecic at 11:54 AM on October 18, 2014 [58 favorites]
This is disgusting, abusive behavior. Your husband is not interested in having an equal partner, and your relationship is all about his needs. You can try discussing this with him, but I doubt he will acknowledge your valid concerns.
I'm really sorry this is happening. You deserve better. Talk to a therapist, and start making a plan to leave your husband. This is an opportunity to focus on yourself and your needs. After all you have endured, you are strong, and you are strong enough to leave him.
posted by fireandthud at 11:55 AM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
I'm really sorry this is happening. You deserve better. Talk to a therapist, and start making a plan to leave your husband. This is an opportunity to focus on yourself and your needs. After all you have endured, you are strong, and you are strong enough to leave him.
posted by fireandthud at 11:55 AM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
The thought of having my own place, doing my own thing, going to bed when I want seems like absolute paradise.
Please, seek this paradise as soon as you possibly can. Do you have your own money kept separately? If not, open a new account now.
I don't know where you are, but there will be resources in your area that offer support to women who have been abused.
Best of luck; a whole new world is ready to open up before you.
One note of caution: for abusive partners, the abuse can intensify and escalate when you leave. So make your plans swiftly but carefully, and just be gone; no discussion, no warning. Communicate once you are in a safe place. Your preparations should include consulting with a divorce lawyer to ensure you don't lose out on what you are legally entitled to.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:01 PM on October 18, 2014 [59 favorites]
Please, seek this paradise as soon as you possibly can. Do you have your own money kept separately? If not, open a new account now.
I don't know where you are, but there will be resources in your area that offer support to women who have been abused.
Best of luck; a whole new world is ready to open up before you.
One note of caution: for abusive partners, the abuse can intensify and escalate when you leave. So make your plans swiftly but carefully, and just be gone; no discussion, no warning. Communicate once you are in a safe place. Your preparations should include consulting with a divorce lawyer to ensure you don't lose out on what you are legally entitled to.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:01 PM on October 18, 2014 [59 favorites]
Can you divert some of your paycheck to a savings account someplace? The money will never hit your regular checking account (I have a little one at Capital One 360 but there are alot of them).
Or sock away $50/paycheck in cash if you can, and then open up a checking account in just your own name. (I like cash because it's harder to track and they don't hold up access for 2 weeks like they do with a check.)
If you can divert $25/paycheck to this new checking account, it usually makes it free, too.
Anyway, you don't need much money to be freer than you are. Even if you were just renting a room in an apartment you'd be having a much better time. (And it's kind of nice to have the no-pressure company of a roommate, anyway.)
posted by small_ruminant at 12:03 PM on October 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Or sock away $50/paycheck in cash if you can, and then open up a checking account in just your own name. (I like cash because it's harder to track and they don't hold up access for 2 weeks like they do with a check.)
If you can divert $25/paycheck to this new checking account, it usually makes it free, too.
Anyway, you don't need much money to be freer than you are. Even if you were just renting a room in an apartment you'd be having a much better time. (And it's kind of nice to have the no-pressure company of a roommate, anyway.)
posted by small_ruminant at 12:03 PM on October 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Is it possible that you are going through menopause? Or peri menopause?
But don't get me wrong- he sounds like a jerk. I just wonder if there could be some hormonal life changes that are contributing to your emotional/sexual state.
I mean he sounds like a jerk.
But You didn't give many details about the day to day with your husband outside of sex and the son incident.
posted by misspony at 12:05 PM on October 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
But don't get me wrong- he sounds like a jerk. I just wonder if there could be some hormonal life changes that are contributing to your emotional/sexual state.
I mean he sounds like a jerk.
But You didn't give many details about the day to day with your husband outside of sex and the son incident.
posted by misspony at 12:05 PM on October 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm with everyone else who says it is time to kick this guy to the curb. I just wanted to chime in that you are one strong lady to have survived this for so long, and as hard as it might be to take the first step (whatever that means for you), you are strong enough to do it!
posted by torisaur at 12:06 PM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by torisaur at 12:06 PM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Also, you'll be giving your son a good example of what happens when you're a jerk to your spouse. :)
posted by small_ruminant at 12:07 PM on October 18, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 12:07 PM on October 18, 2014 [19 favorites]
Everyone here is jumping to DTMFA, and they may be right, but reading you I see two entirely different issues: the issue of your husband's sexual demands, and the issue of your son.
To be blunt: some women would be happy that their husband still desired them so much after 20 years of marriage. Maybe you do need to look into where your own libido has gone. That is not an unreasonable course of action even if you don't stay with your husband. Loss of libido can point to various underlying medical issues. Ask your doctor about this.
It is not clear to me in what capacity your husband employs your son. If it's in a business separate from your home, his pay shouldn't be coming from your household budget but should be a business expense. It's your husband who needs to "sort this out" and clarify the role your son is playing and where his salary comes from.
Best of luck with this.
posted by zadcat at 12:10 PM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
To be blunt: some women would be happy that their husband still desired them so much after 20 years of marriage. Maybe you do need to look into where your own libido has gone. That is not an unreasonable course of action even if you don't stay with your husband. Loss of libido can point to various underlying medical issues. Ask your doctor about this.
It is not clear to me in what capacity your husband employs your son. If it's in a business separate from your home, his pay shouldn't be coming from your household budget but should be a business expense. It's your husband who needs to "sort this out" and clarify the role your son is playing and where his salary comes from.
Best of luck with this.
posted by zadcat at 12:10 PM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Others will have better answers I'm sure but if you're looking for someone to tell you that is a lot of sex, I can tell you that is a lot of sex. You're not a flesh light.
posted by kat518 at 12:17 PM on October 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by kat518 at 12:17 PM on October 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
For some people that's a lot of sex, for some people that's normal. For some it's not enough! The key point is that as much as he--or any spouse--may have a reasonable expectation of having his sexual needs respected, she has the equally reasonable expectation that her needs be respected too. There is no respect here.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2014 [17 favorites]
I'm wondering if a less drastic step might be more "doable" for you. Obviously you need at the very least, a respite from this crap.
Do you have a friend or a relative that would rent you a room/let you stay with them for a week or so? Just so you could clarify your thoughts, get your head together, be rested, and really think of what steps could be taken to make your life better?
(if your husband is frankly abusive-in other words if you even think there is a possibility of violence, forget this, just get out, etc.)
But I am thinking that barring the above caveat, maybe it just might get your husband's attention that THINGS MUST CHANGE. I also agree with those that say get your own counselor.
Your husband will need to know in no uncertain terms that things cannot go as they are. You two need to be able to talk and negotiate your life, and he needs to understand that you are a person and that he must treat you as such.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Do you have a friend or a relative that would rent you a room/let you stay with them for a week or so? Just so you could clarify your thoughts, get your head together, be rested, and really think of what steps could be taken to make your life better?
(if your husband is frankly abusive-in other words if you even think there is a possibility of violence, forget this, just get out, etc.)
But I am thinking that barring the above caveat, maybe it just might get your husband's attention that THINGS MUST CHANGE. I also agree with those that say get your own counselor.
Your husband will need to know in no uncertain terms that things cannot go as they are. You two need to be able to talk and negotiate your life, and he needs to understand that you are a person and that he must treat you as such.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Sex "morning and night" and he's a jerk all the time? Your son is grown. Please leave this man. There's nothing you can do to make him treat you well if you've been together for 25 years and this is how he is. Get a therapist and make a plan to leave.
As for your son's salary coming from the household budget, it should a business expense, otherwise it's not a salary, it's an allowance. Maybe it's time for your son to get a job somewhere else, too.
posted by zdravo at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
As for your son's salary coming from the household budget, it should a business expense, otherwise it's not a salary, it's an allowance. Maybe it's time for your son to get a job somewhere else, too.
posted by zdravo at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
PS-menopausal hormonal issues are real, but not insurmountable. However, being treated like crap will put your libido into a toilet and pull the chain.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:21 PM on October 18, 2014 [20 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:21 PM on October 18, 2014 [20 favorites]
how do I get over this guilt feeling regarding my son - or should I even be thinking like this. It was a spur of the moment thing when he'd been acting like a spoilt teenager and it came out about his expenses.
A lot of parents make mistakes and sometimes they bring family issues onto the children. If that was the worst thing that ever happened, you're doing all right. I have a good friend whom I once overheard a question from his 12 year old about whether their health insurance was in order. Your son is employed by your husband, so there's a sticky overlap between economics and your relationship. However, you wouldn't tell another employee that they make too much or whatever (though plenty of bosses work this subtext by talking about how little the company is making or whatever). Regardless, your thing was not huge in the grand scheme of things. Your kid is 18, it's just a little drama and there's no good reason for your husband to badger you about it. Fact is, it happened, it's in the past, and you know it, and hubby needs to back the f off. I doubt that's going to happen though, from the sound of it.
How do I sort out the sexual side of our relationship when I really don't even want to have sex?
I'm going to guess that this is a follow-on effect of all the other stuff; it's hard to be attracted to someone who is so jerky to you. Sorting it out would involve your husband trimming the shit out of his sails, which, again, seems unlikely.
posted by rhizome at 12:21 PM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
A lot of parents make mistakes and sometimes they bring family issues onto the children. If that was the worst thing that ever happened, you're doing all right. I have a good friend whom I once overheard a question from his 12 year old about whether their health insurance was in order. Your son is employed by your husband, so there's a sticky overlap between economics and your relationship. However, you wouldn't tell another employee that they make too much or whatever (though plenty of bosses work this subtext by talking about how little the company is making or whatever). Regardless, your thing was not huge in the grand scheme of things. Your kid is 18, it's just a little drama and there's no good reason for your husband to badger you about it. Fact is, it happened, it's in the past, and you know it, and hubby needs to back the f off. I doubt that's going to happen though, from the sound of it.
How do I sort out the sexual side of our relationship when I really don't even want to have sex?
I'm going to guess that this is a follow-on effect of all the other stuff; it's hard to be attracted to someone who is so jerky to you. Sorting it out would involve your husband trimming the shit out of his sails, which, again, seems unlikely.
posted by rhizome at 12:21 PM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Stay safe.
Please listen to what sockermom says. She and I have similar stories. I was married for 17 years to someone who ultimately became controlling and abusive. What she describes and what you describe are very familiar territory for me. I was able to get my ex to move out (although I did have an escape plan for me and my three children), but I don't think that's a good idea for you based on the very limited information I have.
* You are rightfully very confused. The first thing you need to do is get therapy to begin the process of sorting everything out.
* Do not go to couple's therapy. You need to sort out your own things. You do NOT need to hear his perspective right now. It's irrelevant.
* Open a post office box and get yourself a few credit cards and open your own checking account. Just for peace of mind, you want some emergency money.
* With help, either from the therapist or a crisis hotline, make your escape plan. Sounds dramatic, it's not. Plan how you will leave, where you will go, and how you will do this. Please believe me when I tell you that having this plan in your head will help you think more clearly. You will feel less trapped knowing there's an escape plan.
Your life can be better. it will be better. But right now, you need some assistance to clear everything out in your head and to move forward. You can do this.
**And no, you didn't say anything all that wrong to your son and your husband is acting like a First Class Asshole.
posted by kinetic at 12:29 PM on October 18, 2014 [22 favorites]
Please listen to what sockermom says. She and I have similar stories. I was married for 17 years to someone who ultimately became controlling and abusive. What she describes and what you describe are very familiar territory for me. I was able to get my ex to move out (although I did have an escape plan for me and my three children), but I don't think that's a good idea for you based on the very limited information I have.
* You are rightfully very confused. The first thing you need to do is get therapy to begin the process of sorting everything out.
* Do not go to couple's therapy. You need to sort out your own things. You do NOT need to hear his perspective right now. It's irrelevant.
* Open a post office box and get yourself a few credit cards and open your own checking account. Just for peace of mind, you want some emergency money.
* With help, either from the therapist or a crisis hotline, make your escape plan. Sounds dramatic, it's not. Plan how you will leave, where you will go, and how you will do this. Please believe me when I tell you that having this plan in your head will help you think more clearly. You will feel less trapped knowing there's an escape plan.
Your life can be better. it will be better. But right now, you need some assistance to clear everything out in your head and to move forward. You can do this.
**And no, you didn't say anything all that wrong to your son and your husband is acting like a First Class Asshole.
posted by kinetic at 12:29 PM on October 18, 2014 [22 favorites]
"The thought of having my own place, doing my own thing, going to bed when I want seems like absolute paradise."
There is your answer, my love, staring you right in the face.
I've been there and done that. Day after day of soul-sucking disappointment and pain. It gets old, and getting your face slammed into the (proverbial) dirt over and over makes you forget who you really are.
Your friends are right, they love you, you should listen to them. If you do feel sorry for yourself, let it be the kind of sorry for yourself where you give yourself a big hug and a kiss for enduring this crap up to this point and make a plan to get away. Be SORRY for YOURSELF, and treat her like you would a dear friend. Love yourself like a friend, FlowerPower, you deserve it.
That means standing up for yourself, once and for all. In his head, he KNOWS you won't leave...you've been unhappy for years, what's so different now? But you ARE different now, you are hitting the point where you've had enough. That's a beautiful thing.
Yes, it's a huge step, and yes, you will take a financial hit when you leave, but it will be so worth it. You'll be okay. Imagine the person you'd be *alone*. Imagine how much more happy you will be without Mr. Insensitive-takes-his-wife-for-granted-sort-yourself-out.
If it's too hard to think of leaving, set yourself a limit inside your head. Ask yourself, Have I had enough yet? What's my limit? How much shit do I have to put up with? How much more of this can I personally tolerate? You are fed up, that's true, but have you had enough? Can you take another ten times, twenty times? Fifty times? Give yourself all the time you need and give him all the rope he needs the hang himself, he will.
Your instincts are telling you something. That sad, heavy feeling in your gut is telling you something. Listen to it, trust yourself.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 12:32 PM on October 18, 2014 [12 favorites]
There is your answer, my love, staring you right in the face.
I've been there and done that. Day after day of soul-sucking disappointment and pain. It gets old, and getting your face slammed into the (proverbial) dirt over and over makes you forget who you really are.
Your friends are right, they love you, you should listen to them. If you do feel sorry for yourself, let it be the kind of sorry for yourself where you give yourself a big hug and a kiss for enduring this crap up to this point and make a plan to get away. Be SORRY for YOURSELF, and treat her like you would a dear friend. Love yourself like a friend, FlowerPower, you deserve it.
That means standing up for yourself, once and for all. In his head, he KNOWS you won't leave...you've been unhappy for years, what's so different now? But you ARE different now, you are hitting the point where you've had enough. That's a beautiful thing.
Yes, it's a huge step, and yes, you will take a financial hit when you leave, but it will be so worth it. You'll be okay. Imagine the person you'd be *alone*. Imagine how much more happy you will be without Mr. Insensitive-takes-his-wife-for-granted-sort-yourself-out.
If it's too hard to think of leaving, set yourself a limit inside your head. Ask yourself, Have I had enough yet? What's my limit? How much shit do I have to put up with? How much more of this can I personally tolerate? You are fed up, that's true, but have you had enough? Can you take another ten times, twenty times? Fifty times? Give yourself all the time you need and give him all the rope he needs the hang himself, he will.
Your instincts are telling you something. That sad, heavy feeling in your gut is telling you something. Listen to it, trust yourself.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 12:32 PM on October 18, 2014 [12 favorites]
Different perspective:
Your husband is right about what you said to your son. I winced reading that. I'm sure you're sorry but I wonder if you've truly acknowledged how much it hurt your son, as he is obviously bringing it up to his father. That is not really his father's fault, and it seems to me that the dad and son are both basically right.
Now, agreed that it is not nice and eventually becomes flat-out wrong to hound someone about something they've already apologized for. But I'm not sure if that's really what's happening- it sounds like the son brought it up again after the apology, so maybe it didn't really sink in. Anyway, I cut dad leeway on that one.
The sex thing is different. Morning and might is objectively and statistically a whole damned lot, especially for older couples. He's in the wrong on that one by making you feel like the weird one. Have a harsh discussion with him and get through to him however you must- you're older, your body is changing, whatever. Once a day is a reasonable compromise to start, for goodness sake. And he should not expect you to do all the compromising.
The bigger problem is him being authoritative, demanding, and not listening to you. That is something you will have to seriously think about and try to solve.
posted by quincunx at 1:58 PM on October 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your husband is right about what you said to your son. I winced reading that. I'm sure you're sorry but I wonder if you've truly acknowledged how much it hurt your son, as he is obviously bringing it up to his father. That is not really his father's fault, and it seems to me that the dad and son are both basically right.
Now, agreed that it is not nice and eventually becomes flat-out wrong to hound someone about something they've already apologized for. But I'm not sure if that's really what's happening- it sounds like the son brought it up again after the apology, so maybe it didn't really sink in. Anyway, I cut dad leeway on that one.
The sex thing is different. Morning and might is objectively and statistically a whole damned lot, especially for older couples. He's in the wrong on that one by making you feel like the weird one. Have a harsh discussion with him and get through to him however you must- you're older, your body is changing, whatever. Once a day is a reasonable compromise to start, for goodness sake. And he should not expect you to do all the compromising.
The bigger problem is him being authoritative, demanding, and not listening to you. That is something you will have to seriously think about and try to solve.
posted by quincunx at 1:58 PM on October 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
Flowerpower, your post makes me think you are in the UK. Is that accurate? If not could you state what country you are in, or what state in the US?
If you are in the UK I would encourage you, as a first step, to do the following three things:
1) Look at all bank accounts to get a sense of how much you as a couple have in savings and/or retirement funds. Also if you own your home, the total outstanding on the mortgage.
The above are important pieces of information to have but if you can't get them, that's OK. Proceed to Step 2 regardless.
2) Open the paper or look online and get an idea of the cost of 1 bedroom flats in your area. Just get a broad idea of what you're actually looking at vs your salary.
3) Make a preliminary, completely secret visit to a family law solicitor in your area. You seem very beaten down, and seem to be assuming you have no right to the assets, there will be no money, and you have no workable options. This is not the case and my suspicion is that a consultation with a solicitor will make what looked impossible seem possible for you.
60,000 women go through this process and are granted divorces in the UK each year. I promise you that you are not less capable than they are.
Money Advice Service has an excellent section on divorce and separation in the UK, including a tonne of information about things like mortgage and rent, property division and interim support payments.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:00 PM on October 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
If you are in the UK I would encourage you, as a first step, to do the following three things:
1) Look at all bank accounts to get a sense of how much you as a couple have in savings and/or retirement funds. Also if you own your home, the total outstanding on the mortgage.
The above are important pieces of information to have but if you can't get them, that's OK. Proceed to Step 2 regardless.
2) Open the paper or look online and get an idea of the cost of 1 bedroom flats in your area. Just get a broad idea of what you're actually looking at vs your salary.
3) Make a preliminary, completely secret visit to a family law solicitor in your area. You seem very beaten down, and seem to be assuming you have no right to the assets, there will be no money, and you have no workable options. This is not the case and my suspicion is that a consultation with a solicitor will make what looked impossible seem possible for you.
60,000 women go through this process and are granted divorces in the UK each year. I promise you that you are not less capable than they are.
Money Advice Service has an excellent section on divorce and separation in the UK, including a tonne of information about things like mortgage and rent, property division and interim support payments.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:00 PM on October 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
I'm not on a huge salary and would hate to leave my son behind
He's 18 and apparently employed and really could likely greatly benefit by watching the main woman in his life draw this line for herself. His future wife could benefit, so could his daughters. Most importantly from that standpoint, so could he.
I don't know. It's so easy for people to be like, yeah, run! on the internet and it's so much harder to do it real life. There are all those winter coats and gloves you have to sort out. You've got books. You've only got the one blender. It's not a trivial thing, it's really hard, it requires a list, on paper, where you can hide it. It helps if you have friends. It sounds like you have friends. It kind of sounds like you have friends who would be delighted to help you. If you want out, get out, and be smart, and take their help and the help of anyone who offers.
I don't have much help to offer as I kind of think we're in different countries but I can tell you that I was in a shitty marriage and then one day I wasn't, I got an apartment, adopted a dog and cat, subscribed to the New Yorker, and made myself awesome dinners. Made out of foods that I personally liked. I would walk the dog at night and then get into bed with her and the cat and they'd walk over me and I'd have a glass of wine and read the New Yorker and even though that was over a decade ago, and my life changed radically later on, I will never, ever forget that initial bliss or feeling of relief.
Just putting my dinner on a plate and paging through a cookbook or magazine, listening to some nice music, and not having some asshole hassling me, and me crying, because I thought it meant I sucked. The fucked up thing is I thought it was going to be awful, that we'd split up and I'd be lost.
Yeah, no.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:17 PM on October 18, 2014 [38 favorites]
He's 18 and apparently employed and really could likely greatly benefit by watching the main woman in his life draw this line for herself. His future wife could benefit, so could his daughters. Most importantly from that standpoint, so could he.
I don't know. It's so easy for people to be like, yeah, run! on the internet and it's so much harder to do it real life. There are all those winter coats and gloves you have to sort out. You've got books. You've only got the one blender. It's not a trivial thing, it's really hard, it requires a list, on paper, where you can hide it. It helps if you have friends. It sounds like you have friends. It kind of sounds like you have friends who would be delighted to help you. If you want out, get out, and be smart, and take their help and the help of anyone who offers.
I don't have much help to offer as I kind of think we're in different countries but I can tell you that I was in a shitty marriage and then one day I wasn't, I got an apartment, adopted a dog and cat, subscribed to the New Yorker, and made myself awesome dinners. Made out of foods that I personally liked. I would walk the dog at night and then get into bed with her and the cat and they'd walk over me and I'd have a glass of wine and read the New Yorker and even though that was over a decade ago, and my life changed radically later on, I will never, ever forget that initial bliss or feeling of relief.
Just putting my dinner on a plate and paging through a cookbook or magazine, listening to some nice music, and not having some asshole hassling me, and me crying, because I thought it meant I sucked. The fucked up thing is I thought it was going to be awful, that we'd split up and I'd be lost.
Yeah, no.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:17 PM on October 18, 2014 [38 favorites]
This sounds awful, and you sound as if you're so depressed you don't even know it. I haven't read through the answers but I bet people are telling you the problem isn't you, and suggesting things for you to do. I'll add to this.
1. Suppose you go to your doctor. Suppose he suggests anti-depressants. One things SSRI's do is put people right off sex. If you do go to your doctor try to insist he recommends counseling: not CBT, but some kind of person-centred talk therapy. You are unhappy and you're not being treated right. You could do with someone listening to you.
2. What sort of support system do you have? Are you close to any friends? Do you do things outside of the house? Because it may help you to get out of the house. Sign up for a course, take up a hobby, volunteer even. Because then you will be around normal people some of the time, and that may give you a different perspective on how your family is behaving.
You know your son is an adult (just) and I don't see why he needs to be coddled? But are you short of money? Are you aware how much your husband's business is making? Or are you just on a tight budget all the time so you're assuming the business isn't making enough to pay your son without your own household being squeezed? This isn't clear from what you have written and I'll apologise if I'm jumping to incorrect conclusions but.....are you being gaslighted about money, too?
If you can't stand the sex I think your relationship is over. Apart from the doctor, and the friends, and the life outside of the house, maybe you should also just go see a lawyer for that free initial consultation. Get them to talk you through what happens in a divorce/separation, what the procedures are and what you can expect. Once you know the steps maybe you can decide better if it's something you want.
posted by glasseyes at 2:18 PM on October 18, 2014
1. Suppose you go to your doctor. Suppose he suggests anti-depressants. One things SSRI's do is put people right off sex. If you do go to your doctor try to insist he recommends counseling: not CBT, but some kind of person-centred talk therapy. You are unhappy and you're not being treated right. You could do with someone listening to you.
2. What sort of support system do you have? Are you close to any friends? Do you do things outside of the house? Because it may help you to get out of the house. Sign up for a course, take up a hobby, volunteer even. Because then you will be around normal people some of the time, and that may give you a different perspective on how your family is behaving.
You know your son is an adult (just) and I don't see why he needs to be coddled? But are you short of money? Are you aware how much your husband's business is making? Or are you just on a tight budget all the time so you're assuming the business isn't making enough to pay your son without your own household being squeezed? This isn't clear from what you have written and I'll apologise if I'm jumping to incorrect conclusions but.....are you being gaslighted about money, too?
If you can't stand the sex I think your relationship is over. Apart from the doctor, and the friends, and the life outside of the house, maybe you should also just go see a lawyer for that free initial consultation. Get them to talk you through what happens in a divorce/separation, what the procedures are and what you can expect. Once you know the steps maybe you can decide better if it's something you want.
posted by glasseyes at 2:18 PM on October 18, 2014
Can I just add, that if you are in the UK, and you leave, there is a lot of support for low income people even now. But you have a job! You'll be well able to take care of yourself.
But if you didn't work, you might even be better off, with Income Support, Housing Benefit, concessions on all sorts of prices, and the possibility of grants for retraining. So another thing you could do is go to the Citizen's Advice people, or your local benefits centre, and see what you might be entitled to. This is in addition to that free half-hour with a lawyer.
And to stress what others have said: don't tell your husband what's going on, and keep a stash of money. If you're going to leave, leave first and then communicate, and use all the backup when doing that communication (lawyers, mediators etc.) that you can.
You know,even if - especially if what's up with your libido is the menopause, his behaviour is appalling.
posted by glasseyes at 2:43 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
But if you didn't work, you might even be better off, with Income Support, Housing Benefit, concessions on all sorts of prices, and the possibility of grants for retraining. So another thing you could do is go to the Citizen's Advice people, or your local benefits centre, and see what you might be entitled to. This is in addition to that free half-hour with a lawyer.
And to stress what others have said: don't tell your husband what's going on, and keep a stash of money. If you're going to leave, leave first and then communicate, and use all the backup when doing that communication (lawyers, mediators etc.) that you can.
You know,
posted by glasseyes at 2:43 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
The thought of having my own place, doing my own thing, going to bed when I want seems like absolute paradise.
Then you should do that.
You don't have to move out forever, just temporarily. Tell your husband, "You know, you're right. I need to sort myself out. Right now I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and scared. I'm going to off by myself for awhile and really think about what I want for now and for the rest of my life. All I know right now is that I don't want to be disrespected, ignored and punished by my partner."
Then, find a bedsit/studio/bachelor apartment that you can sublet, pack a few things, and move into it. You can do it for a month or for however long you think you'd like to totally be out of that situation. If after a think, you'd like to try to save your marriage, you can suggest couple's counseling. If he's game, great, you can do that. If he's still blowing you off and ignoring you, oh well, it takes two to tango and clearly he's not interested in saving your marriage. If, after a while, you decide that you'd rather not save your marriage....then no problem. You and your husband can begin the process of disassembling your married life.
The beauty of this is, you don't have to decide anything permanently right now. You can do it in stages.
I will say this, you deserve to be forgiven, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cherished and you deserve to have a partner who IS a partner, not a domineering, selfish yutz.
Take good care of yourself!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:50 PM on October 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
Then you should do that.
You don't have to move out forever, just temporarily. Tell your husband, "You know, you're right. I need to sort myself out. Right now I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and scared. I'm going to off by myself for awhile and really think about what I want for now and for the rest of my life. All I know right now is that I don't want to be disrespected, ignored and punished by my partner."
Then, find a bedsit/studio/bachelor apartment that you can sublet, pack a few things, and move into it. You can do it for a month or for however long you think you'd like to totally be out of that situation. If after a think, you'd like to try to save your marriage, you can suggest couple's counseling. If he's game, great, you can do that. If he's still blowing you off and ignoring you, oh well, it takes two to tango and clearly he's not interested in saving your marriage. If, after a while, you decide that you'd rather not save your marriage....then no problem. You and your husband can begin the process of disassembling your married life.
The beauty of this is, you don't have to decide anything permanently right now. You can do it in stages.
I will say this, you deserve to be forgiven, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cherished and you deserve to have a partner who IS a partner, not a domineering, selfish yutz.
Take good care of yourself!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:50 PM on October 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
Leaving my husband was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm a better adult because I left him and now I get to eat whatever I want whenever I want and that's huge. It seems silly to be a Big Deal but it is, actually.
Also, I liked sex; he didn't. He liked booze; I didn't. The family myth was that I was the fucked-up one and he was healthy. In fact, we are both fucked up and my lovely daughter had dysfunction modelled for her in a variety of ways.
In Al-Anon people are encouraged not to make any major decisions for the first 6 months they are in the program. As usual, Ruthless Bunny offers excellent advice. You don't have to decide anything now that is permanent. Take time for yourself, figure out what you need, and do it, please, in a place where you won't be verbally bullied, demeaned, and belittled.
Expect a backlash if you move out or set new limits. People hate it when you suddenly stop being a doormat. They keep trying to step on you, sometimes more energetically than usual, to put you back in your place. That's unattractive but human. So prep for that and don't lay back down. A therapist can help you practice ways of responding to protect your fragile new boundaries. If that's too expensive, there are good books out there as well.
We are rooting for you. Best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:59 PM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Also, I liked sex; he didn't. He liked booze; I didn't. The family myth was that I was the fucked-up one and he was healthy. In fact, we are both fucked up and my lovely daughter had dysfunction modelled for her in a variety of ways.
In Al-Anon people are encouraged not to make any major decisions for the first 6 months they are in the program. As usual, Ruthless Bunny offers excellent advice. You don't have to decide anything now that is permanent. Take time for yourself, figure out what you need, and do it, please, in a place where you won't be verbally bullied, demeaned, and belittled.
Expect a backlash if you move out or set new limits. People hate it when you suddenly stop being a doormat. They keep trying to step on you, sometimes more energetically than usual, to put you back in your place. That's unattractive but human. So prep for that and don't lay back down. A therapist can help you practice ways of responding to protect your fragile new boundaries. If that's too expensive, there are good books out there as well.
We are rooting for you. Best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:59 PM on October 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
If the thought of not being around your partner is paradise, the relationship is not working for you. I'm not talking about the introvert's 'oh god yes a week of silence' paradise, or the 'wow, homelife is simpler with fewer people' paradise, but longterm solitude being preferable to the relationship? That's got some significant breakdown.
And being treated like a human fleshlight for 20 years will do a number on anyone's libido (unless that's their kink).
Your son has had 18 years watching your husband treat you like this - it is no accident that he would use that and complain further to his father. You are the scapegoat here, and your son learned that from his dad.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:15 PM on October 18, 2014 [21 favorites]
And being treated like a human fleshlight for 20 years will do a number on anyone's libido (unless that's their kink).
Your son has had 18 years watching your husband treat you like this - it is no accident that he would use that and complain further to his father. You are the scapegoat here, and your son learned that from his dad.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:15 PM on October 18, 2014 [21 favorites]
Another thing I learned from Al-anon was to call people when I needed support. If you have a friend who's in your corner, call her before you do whatever it is that's going to annoy your husband today (but that you intend to do anyway) to talk about it. Then, once you've done it, call her again for some more support. Even if each phone call is 60 seconds, it is SO helpful!
posted by small_ruminant at 4:25 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by small_ruminant at 4:25 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Imagine that your son is married. Imagine him speaking to his wife the way your husband speaks to you. Are you okay with that?
posted by tllaya at 4:42 PM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by tllaya at 4:42 PM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
I was just looking at some of your old questions, and I have a question for you: the question you wrote last year about the friend with the falling apart marriage who kept trying to get you to go out with her... Is it at all possible that she was worried about you and your marriage and that was her way of trying to help you get some distance from an unhealthy relationship with your husband?
I ask because it resonates with some of my own reactions to my own friends' efforts to help me without out-and-out saying that I am disappearing into abyss of what many would define as an abusive or otherwise totally unhealthy relationship. I acknowledge that I could be totally off base about this, but maybe thinking about this could give you some insight into your situation.
posted by gubenuj at 5:06 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I ask because it resonates with some of my own reactions to my own friends' efforts to help me without out-and-out saying that I am disappearing into abyss of what many would define as an abusive or otherwise totally unhealthy relationship. I acknowledge that I could be totally off base about this, but maybe thinking about this could give you some insight into your situation.
posted by gubenuj at 5:06 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with much that has been written here. I want to give you a fresh perspective on the issue of your husband giving you continued grief about what you said to your son:
Husband: YOU OUGHT NOT HAVE SAID THAT TO SON.
You: Oh! I've already apologized to him. I'll check in with him once more to make sure he knows it was a mistake on my part. But ultimately, it's between Son and I. You don't need to worry your head about it. If Son brings it up to you again, send him to me! I repeat: YOU don't need to worry about it.
posted by vitabellosi at 7:30 PM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Husband: YOU OUGHT NOT HAVE SAID THAT TO SON.
You: Oh! I've already apologized to him. I'll check in with him once more to make sure he knows it was a mistake on my part. But ultimately, it's between Son and I. You don't need to worry your head about it. If Son brings it up to you again, send him to me! I repeat: YOU don't need to worry about it.
posted by vitabellosi at 7:30 PM on October 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
This sounds like abuse to me. I am so sorry you have gone through this. No matter whether your libido has dropped off or what, you don't deserve this. If your libido is a priority, sure, see a doctor. But I would be far more concerned for your emotional health.
I'm not going to name things for you. But being pressured so much that you turn to other sexual activities to "keep him off my back" sounds like there is a lack of consent. And giving in sounds like there is a lack of consent. I'll let you come up with your own words for that.
Please, call a family lawyer and put together some plans. Make sure you're safe and that you know your legal options. (Moving out may not be the best idea. A temporary support and possession order may keep you with an income at home. Talk to a lawyer.)
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:40 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not going to name things for you. But being pressured so much that you turn to other sexual activities to "keep him off my back" sounds like there is a lack of consent. And giving in sounds like there is a lack of consent. I'll let you come up with your own words for that.
Please, call a family lawyer and put together some plans. Make sure you're safe and that you know your legal options. (Moving out may not be the best idea. A temporary support and possession order may keep you with an income at home. Talk to a lawyer.)
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:40 PM on October 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I've learned that my libido is the canary in the mine for how emotionally free and safe I feel in a relationship. If sex becomes a chore, things (not my body) are broken.
posted by Chrysalis at 12:24 AM on October 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Chrysalis at 12:24 AM on October 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
It sounds very much like abuse. It is, as you've said, domination, in mind and body; coercive sex is coercive, whether with a husband or a stranger.
It's narrowed your view of your horizon to a sliver, and shifted you away from your sense of yourself, and your sense of what's normal. Your friends are telling you this isn't normal. You know you want something better than life with this man. But it's hard to act when you've been fundamentally decentered in that way; it's hard to even see things for what they are.
I think clearly identifying and naming what has been happening would be an important step in helping you create distance from your day to day life, and help build your resolve to honour your natural impulse to freedom. To that end, I can recommend Patricia Evans' The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond, which really clearly outlines how power is asserted verbally, and Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Don't let fear of the unknown deter you from acting in your own interest. DarlingBri is right, you have legal entitlements. Having your own place is a real possibility.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:34 AM on October 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
It's narrowed your view of your horizon to a sliver, and shifted you away from your sense of yourself, and your sense of what's normal. Your friends are telling you this isn't normal. You know you want something better than life with this man. But it's hard to act when you've been fundamentally decentered in that way; it's hard to even see things for what they are.
I think clearly identifying and naming what has been happening would be an important step in helping you create distance from your day to day life, and help build your resolve to honour your natural impulse to freedom. To that end, I can recommend Patricia Evans' The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond, which really clearly outlines how power is asserted verbally, and Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Don't let fear of the unknown deter you from acting in your own interest. DarlingBri is right, you have legal entitlements. Having your own place is a real possibility.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:34 AM on October 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
You know, if it were just those two problems, I would say a little assertiveness is all you need. Like vitabellosi says, about your son you would just say, "I said what I said in the heat of the moment and I've already apologized, but if he's still upset I'll talk to him again and make sure he understands. But recognize that you have brought this up with me twice now, and it feels more like you're lording a tiny mistake over my head than like you're trying to help the situation. I will handle it, but I'm not a stupid child and unless he sets the house on fire over this I do not want to hear from you about it again." Likewise, with the sex you would just need to have a firm conversation, set boundaries, and remind him of them when he crosses a line.
Everything you've said, though, suggests this is a much more general problem: it sounds like your husband is pathologically disrespectful of you and like your confidence is seriously worn down over it. In particular, the fact that you asked your husband's advice about how to get your son to forgive you--after he scolded you like a child--makes it sound like you've internalized his dominating behavior a little and don't know how to express your frustration with the situation in ways that don't disempower you. Likewise, if getting away from him sounds like "paradise," that's something you need to take seriously. Listen to what everyone on here is saying about how to separate yourself from him financially: find a good talk therapist, and work on creating a space for yourself.
However, I do want to say that if you ever find yourself in a relationship that feels similar consider just practicing some basic assertiveness before things get out of hand. Some controlling people are controlling because they're pathologically manipulative and egomaniacal and can't help themselves (your husband sounds like one of these), but others are just obsessive and emotionally unintelligent and will respond if it's clearly explained to them that what they're doing is causing their partner pain. My dad was like that; and after my mom worked on her confidence a little she was able to insist that he stop making obsessive demands and trying to hound her into doing things he could easily do himself. He eventually was able to accommodate her, and their marriage was one of the strongest I've ever seen because they went through that.
To be clear: don't try that with your current husband; but do keep it in mind for the future.
posted by urufu at 1:51 AM on October 19, 2014 [4 favorites]
Everything you've said, though, suggests this is a much more general problem: it sounds like your husband is pathologically disrespectful of you and like your confidence is seriously worn down over it. In particular, the fact that you asked your husband's advice about how to get your son to forgive you--after he scolded you like a child--makes it sound like you've internalized his dominating behavior a little and don't know how to express your frustration with the situation in ways that don't disempower you. Likewise, if getting away from him sounds like "paradise," that's something you need to take seriously. Listen to what everyone on here is saying about how to separate yourself from him financially: find a good talk therapist, and work on creating a space for yourself.
However, I do want to say that if you ever find yourself in a relationship that feels similar consider just practicing some basic assertiveness before things get out of hand. Some controlling people are controlling because they're pathologically manipulative and egomaniacal and can't help themselves (your husband sounds like one of these), but others are just obsessive and emotionally unintelligent and will respond if it's clearly explained to them that what they're doing is causing their partner pain. My dad was like that; and after my mom worked on her confidence a little she was able to insist that he stop making obsessive demands and trying to hound her into doing things he could easily do himself. He eventually was able to accommodate her, and their marriage was one of the strongest I've ever seen because they went through that.
To be clear: don't try that with your current husband; but do keep it in mind for the future.
posted by urufu at 1:51 AM on October 19, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks a lot to everyone. I've read every post with and can't thank you enough for taking time to try and help.
I've spoken to my mum this morning. She's been worried about me as well. I've decided that this week I'm going to the doctors to get some anti-depressants because I think on a basic level I am depressed. Hopefully this will help me a bit to get some energy back and see things more clearly.
I have a job (not enormous pay but not minimum), I have a lot of respect at work and with my friends and I'm fairly healthy for my age (52).
I feel a lot less foggy today and have decided that I'm going to try and save a bit of money, keep a diary of things that are going on and make a plan to move out. I can't just walk out at the moment because I'm not in a strong enough place just now.
Regarding the sex - it seems you all can see it from an outside perspective and the coerced thing is exactly what's happening. One night I even said to my husband who kept touching me and I kept pushing him away and he kept asking me to relieve him and I said 'that would be rape'. He just didn't get it. Regarding my son - I do cringe at what I said - it was out of order. In the end he has zero respect for me either. I've been blaming it on him being a teenager but there's probably a bit more going on here.
I'll keep you updated once I've been to the doctors.
posted by Flowerpower at 1:55 AM on October 19, 2014 [29 favorites]
I've spoken to my mum this morning. She's been worried about me as well. I've decided that this week I'm going to the doctors to get some anti-depressants because I think on a basic level I am depressed. Hopefully this will help me a bit to get some energy back and see things more clearly.
I have a job (not enormous pay but not minimum), I have a lot of respect at work and with my friends and I'm fairly healthy for my age (52).
I feel a lot less foggy today and have decided that I'm going to try and save a bit of money, keep a diary of things that are going on and make a plan to move out. I can't just walk out at the moment because I'm not in a strong enough place just now.
Regarding the sex - it seems you all can see it from an outside perspective and the coerced thing is exactly what's happening. One night I even said to my husband who kept touching me and I kept pushing him away and he kept asking me to relieve him and I said 'that would be rape'. He just didn't get it. Regarding my son - I do cringe at what I said - it was out of order. In the end he has zero respect for me either. I've been blaming it on him being a teenager but there's probably a bit more going on here.
I'll keep you updated once I've been to the doctors.
posted by Flowerpower at 1:55 AM on October 19, 2014 [29 favorites]
Visit the doctor and perhaps, if you're nearby to your mother's, you can stay with her for a bit. Let her take care of you, allow yourself to be loved unconditionally.
As for what you said to your son, I think it's a dose of reality, not mean. Basically, your husband pays him out of your joint money. Now, I don't know if that would be true if your husband hired an employee, but your son is an adult and if he's a strain on the household expenses, then perhaps he ought to find work elsewhere, where he would bring additional money into the home.
He does pay rent and utilities, right? If not, then what you said is completely apt and appropriate.
Don't let that eat you up.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:33 AM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
As for what you said to your son, I think it's a dose of reality, not mean. Basically, your husband pays him out of your joint money. Now, I don't know if that would be true if your husband hired an employee, but your son is an adult and if he's a strain on the household expenses, then perhaps he ought to find work elsewhere, where he would bring additional money into the home.
He does pay rent and utilities, right? If not, then what you said is completely apt and appropriate.
Don't let that eat you up.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:33 AM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have nothing to add, except encouragement. Your story sounds so much like mine 6 years ago. You can do this. It won't be easy, but you will be amazed by the love and help from friends and family, and your own inner strength. And you are right, it is paradise once you're on your own and you remember who you are again. Good luck!
posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen at 7:44 AM on October 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen at 7:44 AM on October 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
Maybe while you're working on the doctor and savings, etc, you could find a lawyer to speak to just as an initial conversation about what you might need to know/do in order to leave with all your ducks in a row.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:44 AM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Lyn Never at 8:44 AM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sorry, but your husband sounds like a chauvinist asshole.
It is not a husband's role to "reprimand" his wife like a misbehaving child when her feelings and wishes inconvenience him, or to dictate to her how to handle issues between her and her own son. This "man of the house" bullshit is—ugh, it's just super gross. You are not at all overreacting or being unreasonable. You are reacting the way people react when they are treated without respect or basic human kindness.
Here's the thing: if it's been like this for 25 years, he's not going to change.
And since your husband isn't going to change, and since you are clearly unhappy being with your husband (for which no one can or should blame you; I would be unhappy), that leaves one path toward possible, eventual happiness: leaving your shitty husband.
It probably won't be easy—for you, for him, or for your son. But you need to do it. (And your son is an adult; he'll survive. In the long run, it'll probably be good for him to learn that men can't treat their wives the way your husband does.)
"a dominating individual who is always right and it's difficult to like him"
This really says it all. Why would anyone want to be married to a person who fits this description?
Moving out just seems such a huge huge step to take and the way I'm feeling (exhausted) makes me wonder if I can ever do it.
I've never been in your exact situation, but I know this feeling: you realize (or are starting to realize) that solving a problem is going to require a certain action, but actually taking that action seems like an impossible, insurmountable, terrifying step off of a cliff.
But you know that it's neither impossible nor insurmountable. You do it the same way you do anything else: one step at a time, as best as you know how. You might get a few scrapes and bruises along the way, but it'll be so worth it in the long run.
I think that others are correct: your self-confidence, and your perspective on what constitutes a reasonable relationship, are distorted right now. Your future self, having done the hard but necessary work to get herself out of this awful situation, will be able to look back with much clearer eyes and see your husband's abusive behavior for what it was.
Best of luck to you. Be brave (remembering that courage is not the absence of fear, but the choice to act in spite of fear). Respect yourself, and don't accept disrespect from anyone else. And don't be afraid to lean on your support network during this. That's what it's for.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 11:10 AM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
It is not a husband's role to "reprimand" his wife like a misbehaving child when her feelings and wishes inconvenience him, or to dictate to her how to handle issues between her and her own son. This "man of the house" bullshit is—ugh, it's just super gross. You are not at all overreacting or being unreasonable. You are reacting the way people react when they are treated without respect or basic human kindness.
Here's the thing: if it's been like this for 25 years, he's not going to change.
And since your husband isn't going to change, and since you are clearly unhappy being with your husband (for which no one can or should blame you; I would be unhappy), that leaves one path toward possible, eventual happiness: leaving your shitty husband.
It probably won't be easy—for you, for him, or for your son. But you need to do it. (And your son is an adult; he'll survive. In the long run, it'll probably be good for him to learn that men can't treat their wives the way your husband does.)
"a dominating individual who is always right and it's difficult to like him"
This really says it all. Why would anyone want to be married to a person who fits this description?
Moving out just seems such a huge huge step to take and the way I'm feeling (exhausted) makes me wonder if I can ever do it.
I've never been in your exact situation, but I know this feeling: you realize (or are starting to realize) that solving a problem is going to require a certain action, but actually taking that action seems like an impossible, insurmountable, terrifying step off of a cliff.
But you know that it's neither impossible nor insurmountable. You do it the same way you do anything else: one step at a time, as best as you know how. You might get a few scrapes and bruises along the way, but it'll be so worth it in the long run.
I think that others are correct: your self-confidence, and your perspective on what constitutes a reasonable relationship, are distorted right now. Your future self, having done the hard but necessary work to get herself out of this awful situation, will be able to look back with much clearer eyes and see your husband's abusive behavior for what it was.
Best of luck to you. Be brave (remembering that courage is not the absence of fear, but the choice to act in spite of fear). Respect yourself, and don't accept disrespect from anyone else. And don't be afraid to lean on your support network during this. That's what it's for.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 11:10 AM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm glad you're going to see the doctor. The chronic and acute stress load of an abusive relationship can do a serious number on your hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenocortical axis, which can contribute to depressive and anxious symptoms, reduced immune and endocrinological function, and cognitive dysfunction -- foggy thoughts are no surprise, under the conditions you describe.
It's really important that you take excellent care of yourself to allow yourself to recuperate so that you can build your cognitive, emotional, and physical resources. I agree with Ruthless Bunny -- let your mom dote on you for a bit, and take any opportunity to relieve stress: leave the house when you can, take walks, spend time with friends on your own.
Best of luck.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:45 AM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's really important that you take excellent care of yourself to allow yourself to recuperate so that you can build your cognitive, emotional, and physical resources. I agree with Ruthless Bunny -- let your mom dote on you for a bit, and take any opportunity to relieve stress: leave the house when you can, take walks, spend time with friends on your own.
Best of luck.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:45 AM on October 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
In the end he has zero respect for me either. I've been blaming it on him being a teenager but there's probably a bit more going on here.
I think what's going on with your son is he is taking his cue on how to act from your husband. I know you are concerned about leaving your son there but you will actually be helping him in the long run. He will see you standing up to your husband. He will learn how a man is supposed to behave and how a real man treats his partner.
Good for you for moving forward! You're going to have a great new life.
posted by Beti at 1:11 PM on October 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think what's going on with your son is he is taking his cue on how to act from your husband. I know you are concerned about leaving your son there but you will actually be helping him in the long run. He will see you standing up to your husband. He will learn how a man is supposed to behave and how a real man treats his partner.
Good for you for moving forward! You're going to have a great new life.
posted by Beti at 1:11 PM on October 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
My comment is probably minor because it doesn't address the larger issues of your question, but I don't see how what you said to your son is a big a deal. Apparently, his salary does indeed affect the family budget. Why are you even kicking yourself for bringing it up? The family budget affects you. I see it as a perfectly legitimate topic of discussion.
posted by Leontine at 8:02 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Leontine at 8:02 PM on October 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
his salary does indeed affect the family budget.
I think that it's because it's considered bad to agree to something and then complain about what you agreed to. What if your boss complained about having to pay you? Now add that it's your parents...
So yeah, I agree it wasn't 100% cricket, but it also wasn't anything unforgiveable.
Son really needs to find a job outside the family anyway, imo. It builds character- a person needs to know how LOTS of people run businesses, not just one's domineering dad.
posted by small_ruminant at 7:55 AM on October 20, 2014
I think that it's because it's considered bad to agree to something and then complain about what you agreed to. What if your boss complained about having to pay you? Now add that it's your parents...
So yeah, I agree it wasn't 100% cricket, but it also wasn't anything unforgiveable.
Son really needs to find a job outside the family anyway, imo. It builds character- a person needs to know how LOTS of people run businesses, not just one's domineering dad.
posted by small_ruminant at 7:55 AM on October 20, 2014
Something has been sort of bothering me since I read through this earlier. OP, you said you felt a number of emotions after reading the responses, including feeling stupid. I want to let you know that you are not stupid. You know on a certain level that how you are being treated isn't right, you reached out, and read answers. If you hadn't reached out, that wouldn't make you stupid, either.
Abuse is such an insidious progression of mistreatment that can be very difficult to extricate yourself from, and it can really fuck with your head. Especially the gaslighting that's been going on. Any concern you raise just stems from the fact that you need to sort yourself out? Really? Abusers say and do things that make you question your assessment of a situation. It's so easy to be confused when your being sent a certain message.
I'm not sure that I'm making any particular point, other than I'm glad you've identified the problem and you reached out to a great group of people to see if the metrics of it sounded accurate. I hope things work out, and please remember that you're not stupid! Jedi hugs.
posted by SillyShepherd at 9:14 AM on October 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
Abuse is such an insidious progression of mistreatment that can be very difficult to extricate yourself from, and it can really fuck with your head. Especially the gaslighting that's been going on. Any concern you raise just stems from the fact that you need to sort yourself out? Really? Abusers say and do things that make you question your assessment of a situation. It's so easy to be confused when your being sent a certain message.
I'm not sure that I'm making any particular point, other than I'm glad you've identified the problem and you reached out to a great group of people to see if the metrics of it sounded accurate. I hope things work out, and please remember that you're not stupid! Jedi hugs.
posted by SillyShepherd at 9:14 AM on October 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
When you see your lawyer, red flag the son's salary as a potential area of risk for looking at your husband's income.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:49 AM on October 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:49 AM on October 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
I was so glad to see your update, and I wish you the best of luck. What you're planning - taking stock and making notes I mean - seems like a very good idea.
Even in good marriages for people of our age, the wife's identity can disappear. But you have a legal and a social identity beyond your marriage, and the system is set up for you to reclaim it. I guess I'm saying that in spite of the knocking the welfare state has taken recently you might be surprised that you can make a very good life for yourself on your own without too much difficulty. There are systems set up to help you over the bumps, and if it comes to a divorce judges here are very concerned about what's fair to both parties, and concerned to take on board different sorts of things that contribute to a marriage.
I've got a lot of respect for you from what you've written and from how you're thinking about it.
posted by glasseyes at 10:57 AM on October 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Even in good marriages for people of our age, the wife's identity can disappear. But you have a legal and a social identity beyond your marriage, and the system is set up for you to reclaim it. I guess I'm saying that in spite of the knocking the welfare state has taken recently you might be surprised that you can make a very good life for yourself on your own without too much difficulty. There are systems set up to help you over the bumps, and if it comes to a divorce judges here are very concerned about what's fair to both parties, and concerned to take on board different sorts of things that contribute to a marriage.
I've got a lot of respect for you from what you've written and from how you're thinking about it.
posted by glasseyes at 10:57 AM on October 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you can get a break from this situation, that will help you regain your faculties. It is impossible to operate at full capacity in the context of an ongoing abusive relationship. I needed distance and no-contact for a month to be able to regain my perspective and a sense of my own worth before I could break up with my abusive ex-. I wonder if you could stay with your family for a few weeks.
I give you permission to have the life you want.
posted by macinchik at 10:32 PM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I give you permission to have the life you want.
posted by macinchik at 10:32 PM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
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Sounds like you are accustomed to being abused and think it is normal. Not so. You deserve a happy, comfortable, safe life, honey!
Please listen to the wise advice you'll get here - I did and am much better for it. In the meantime, memail me if you want a sister who has been through it. I'm not great at explaining it or talking about it online, but am so happy to be there for you one on one.
Hugs.
posted by Punctual at 10:46 AM on October 18, 2014 [37 favorites]