Navigating Feelings For A Taken Friend
October 14, 2014 11:18 PM Subscribe
How does one proceed when they inadvertently develop feelings for a new friend -- who is already in a relationship?
Okay, I guess I got myself into a pretty good one this time. I (F, 30) recently met a friend of some friends (32, F) and we've been hanging out a bit. We hit it off pretty good, and now have developed feelings for her. The catch? she has a girlfriend. Whoops.
So I have definite feelings for her that have only strengthened as I have gotten to know her. And I feel like we have chemistry although nothing definite has been spoken or done. Everything has been kosher between us.
Her and her girlfriend constantly seem to have problems, and apparently they already broke up once before. I've heard nothing but bad things about their relationship from her friends (and her...she didn't tell me directly but I overheard her talking to mutual friends).
This sucks, to be frank. It is hard to find another lesbian who you're physically attracted to, at your place in life, and a good match. They just don't come around that often.
I've also never really crushed on someone who is unavailable or taken. (Unless you count the crush on a teacher I had in High School). So this is a bit new. And it's frustrating to me because everything I've learned in the last few years about putting myself out there, asking people out, etc, is totally useless right now.
Anyway, I am trying to figure out what to do. Cheating and emotional cheating is not an option, and I don't want to do that. I definitely don't want her to be that person, either.
It seems that my options are:
A: Fade out from the friendship until my feelings are gone
B: Just maintain a casual friendship and wait and see if she becomes single and make a move then
C: ?
The thing is, now that we are all friends and have recently formed this new activity group with her and a couple other mutual friends, avoiding her all of a sudden would seem weird and rude. I worry that going no contact would ruin any chances with her in the future should she become single.
It seems a complete shame to throw my feelings in the garbage right away because of some off timing. I have been trying to (online) date in the meantime, and I'm open to new people. So I'm not putting my life on hold. The annoying thing is that it's going to take a lot to outshine her right now. No, she's not perfect, but she's pretty darn cool.
I'm not going to tell her I have feelings, I am not going to try to break them up. I just watched a complete trainwreck of a cheating situation happen with some close friends and I don't want any of that. I just want to know how the heck to deal with these feelings in the meantime. I really like her, and if the timing ever gets better I want to do this the right way.
How should I proceed? How can I avoid falling into angst over this? And does this ever maybe work out in the end? (I have actually seen this situation play out positively with a few friends, without any cheating or anything scandalous, and so I'm inclined to wait a bit). All anecdata / advice appreciated.
Okay, I guess I got myself into a pretty good one this time. I (F, 30) recently met a friend of some friends (32, F) and we've been hanging out a bit. We hit it off pretty good, and now have developed feelings for her. The catch? she has a girlfriend. Whoops.
So I have definite feelings for her that have only strengthened as I have gotten to know her. And I feel like we have chemistry although nothing definite has been spoken or done. Everything has been kosher between us.
Her and her girlfriend constantly seem to have problems, and apparently they already broke up once before. I've heard nothing but bad things about their relationship from her friends (and her...she didn't tell me directly but I overheard her talking to mutual friends).
This sucks, to be frank. It is hard to find another lesbian who you're physically attracted to, at your place in life, and a good match. They just don't come around that often.
I've also never really crushed on someone who is unavailable or taken. (Unless you count the crush on a teacher I had in High School). So this is a bit new. And it's frustrating to me because everything I've learned in the last few years about putting myself out there, asking people out, etc, is totally useless right now.
Anyway, I am trying to figure out what to do. Cheating and emotional cheating is not an option, and I don't want to do that. I definitely don't want her to be that person, either.
It seems that my options are:
A: Fade out from the friendship until my feelings are gone
B: Just maintain a casual friendship and wait and see if she becomes single and make a move then
C: ?
The thing is, now that we are all friends and have recently formed this new activity group with her and a couple other mutual friends, avoiding her all of a sudden would seem weird and rude. I worry that going no contact would ruin any chances with her in the future should she become single.
It seems a complete shame to throw my feelings in the garbage right away because of some off timing. I have been trying to (online) date in the meantime, and I'm open to new people. So I'm not putting my life on hold. The annoying thing is that it's going to take a lot to outshine her right now. No, she's not perfect, but she's pretty darn cool.
I'm not going to tell her I have feelings, I am not going to try to break them up. I just watched a complete trainwreck of a cheating situation happen with some close friends and I don't want any of that. I just want to know how the heck to deal with these feelings in the meantime. I really like her, and if the timing ever gets better I want to do this the right way.
How should I proceed? How can I avoid falling into angst over this? And does this ever maybe work out in the end? (I have actually seen this situation play out positively with a few friends, without any cheating or anything scandalous, and so I'm inclined to wait a bit). All anecdata / advice appreciated.
I have serious experiential advice? Do you want that?
Internalize that even if this person is open to starting a relationship with you, THAT IS TOTALLY FUCKED UP SINCE THEY ARE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
Expect that if she were worthy, she would have already walked from her current, shitty relationship.
She's no prize because she talks shit about her current partner, but stays, anyway.
I know you think that is normal, but it is not.
You describe someone who has deep drama, but shallow feelings of intimacy.
If you get involved with something this messy, it will only hurt you.
posted by jbenben at 11:58 PM on October 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
Internalize that even if this person is open to starting a relationship with you, THAT IS TOTALLY FUCKED UP SINCE THEY ARE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
Expect that if she were worthy, she would have already walked from her current, shitty relationship.
She's no prize because she talks shit about her current partner, but stays, anyway.
I know you think that is normal, but it is not.
You describe someone who has deep drama, but shallow feelings of intimacy.
If you get involved with something this messy, it will only hurt you.
posted by jbenben at 11:58 PM on October 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
I disagree with jbenben. There's no indication that the taken person in this scenario is reciprocating the OP's feelings. Having a difficult relationship isn't a moral injunction to break up... Especially if the "drama" and "problems" are coming to the OP second hand or through hearsay. We don't know what the situation really is there.
OP, I think you're handling this really well, and you've got your head screwed on straight in your decision not to cheat or "go there" while this woman is in a relationship. It must really hurt to have such a feeling of "if only...". I can't say whether you should stay friends with her, but don't do it with the hope that if you only hang on in there, one day she'll be single and then you can get together. That's just going to lead to misery and disappointment, and mar your friendship. So stay friends if you don't think that would be too painful for you and if you think you can move on and not always be waiting around for her, and enjoy the company of this person in a platonic way only. Just tell yourself that she's in a relationship and there's no indication that that's going to change, and act like you believe it.
I'd up your online-dating game a few levels right now. Go out on lots of dates and meet new people. There are other amazing hotties out there, I promise you. You don't need to pine for a taken person.
posted by mymbleth at 2:51 AM on October 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
OP, I think you're handling this really well, and you've got your head screwed on straight in your decision not to cheat or "go there" while this woman is in a relationship. It must really hurt to have such a feeling of "if only...". I can't say whether you should stay friends with her, but don't do it with the hope that if you only hang on in there, one day she'll be single and then you can get together. That's just going to lead to misery and disappointment, and mar your friendship. So stay friends if you don't think that would be too painful for you and if you think you can move on and not always be waiting around for her, and enjoy the company of this person in a platonic way only. Just tell yourself that she's in a relationship and there's no indication that that's going to change, and act like you believe it.
I'd up your online-dating game a few levels right now. Go out on lots of dates and meet new people. There are other amazing hotties out there, I promise you. You don't need to pine for a taken person.
posted by mymbleth at 2:51 AM on October 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: She's no prize because she talks shit about her current partner, but stays, anyway.
I know you think that is normal, but it is not.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to really internalize that people who talk shit but stay are people signaling that they terrible communicators in a relationship--unless the shit-talking is followed up with some form of "I discussed this with her and . . ." You date this woman and the openness about the relationship stops--she just starts talking about her problems with you with someone else. Irrespective of whether or not she has feelings for you this is a big red flag.
I'd do the slow fade, frankly. If they break up the news will get back to you anyway.
posted by Anonymous at 7:49 AM on October 15, 2014
I know you think that is normal, but it is not.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to really internalize that people who talk shit but stay are people signaling that they terrible communicators in a relationship--unless the shit-talking is followed up with some form of "I discussed this with her and . . ." You date this woman and the openness about the relationship stops--she just starts talking about her problems with you with someone else. Irrespective of whether or not she has feelings for you this is a big red flag.
I'd do the slow fade, frankly. If they break up the news will get back to you anyway.
posted by Anonymous at 7:49 AM on October 15, 2014
I vote B.
But keep your eyes open - for other women and for more information about the crush.
Sometimes people who stay in "terrible" relationships have exactly what they want. And what those people want is drama because they're so shallow and unimaginative they think adrenalin is a meaningful emotion.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:20 AM on October 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
But keep your eyes open - for other women and for more information about the crush.
Sometimes people who stay in "terrible" relationships have exactly what they want. And what those people want is drama because they're so shallow and unimaginative they think adrenalin is a meaningful emotion.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:20 AM on October 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I don't want to judge your love interest, just because I don't think that we can see the entire picture from a few sentences.
However, I was going to suggest an intermediate approach. My main concern from reading your description is that there is the possibility that you like this person so much (and spend time listening to the gossip) that your mind can fill up with "What if" this person and a dream relationship, which no one will ever be able to match up to no matter how many dates you go on.
So my intermediate suggestion is:
-Stay out of all the conversations/drama about the status of the person's relationship (don't ask, and ignore it if other people are talking about it when she is not there). So basically don't let this feed your mind and make this seem more exciting.
-Do go all out on those dates. But perhaps if there is an upcoming date with a new person, don't see the group for that day and say positive things to others about your new dates. So don't fade away completely from your group, but just those days, etc.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 8:52 AM on October 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
However, I was going to suggest an intermediate approach. My main concern from reading your description is that there is the possibility that you like this person so much (and spend time listening to the gossip) that your mind can fill up with "What if" this person and a dream relationship, which no one will ever be able to match up to no matter how many dates you go on.
So my intermediate suggestion is:
-Stay out of all the conversations/drama about the status of the person's relationship (don't ask, and ignore it if other people are talking about it when she is not there). So basically don't let this feed your mind and make this seem more exciting.
-Do go all out on those dates. But perhaps if there is an upcoming date with a new person, don't see the group for that day and say positive things to others about your new dates. So don't fade away completely from your group, but just those days, etc.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 8:52 AM on October 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
I am going to take a slightly different tack from most of the commenters here and suggest another option:
C) Tell her that you have developed some feelings for her (this will probably not be news to her anyway) so out of respect for her relationship with her girlfriend, you are going to back off the friendship. Then walk away, date others and leave her be.
If she's not interested, she'll let you know right away, and you won't have wasted time waiting and potentially misreading situations. If she is interested, she will either a) take the time to break things off with her current girlfriend so she can pursue something with you or b) try to initiate a relationship with you while still with her girlfriend. Either way will tell you everything you need to know.
Love is not so fragile that it can't survive a statement of attraction from an outsider. Their relationship shouldn't be, either. I see nothing dishonorable in stating your attraction, as long as you then remove yourself so she can figure things out for herself.
Good luck.
posted by widdershins at 11:04 AM on October 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
C) Tell her that you have developed some feelings for her (this will probably not be news to her anyway) so out of respect for her relationship with her girlfriend, you are going to back off the friendship. Then walk away, date others and leave her be.
If she's not interested, she'll let you know right away, and you won't have wasted time waiting and potentially misreading situations. If she is interested, she will either a) take the time to break things off with her current girlfriend so she can pursue something with you or b) try to initiate a relationship with you while still with her girlfriend. Either way will tell you everything you need to know.
Love is not so fragile that it can't survive a statement of attraction from an outsider. Their relationship shouldn't be, either. I see nothing dishonorable in stating your attraction, as long as you then remove yourself so she can figure things out for herself.
Good luck.
posted by widdershins at 11:04 AM on October 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
C. Try to become a better friend. A real friend. Someone who can be honest with her and whom she can be honest with. Someone who really respects her and does not wish to harm her.
B is drama waiting to happen. Remaining "casual" friends and kind of (secretly) hoping for her to become available is a recipe for the bad scenarios that folks above are positing as inevitable. It is not inevitable, but, yeah, it is highly likely. Because casual friends don't learn the real dirt going on in someone's life. Casual friends do not have a high degree of trust. Casual friends don't interact in a way that will be an antidote to any of the potential drama of this situation.
Real friends really talk. They also really respect each other's boundaries and do not sit around secretly hoping the other person's love life falls apart so they can swoop in and help the person pick up the pieces. If you can work towards becoming a serious friend to this person, it ultimately won't matter whether she stays with her current lady or ends it. It ultimately won't matter whether she ends up with you romantically or not. You will have done something that enhances both of your lives.
If you shoot for real friendship, one of the potential outcomes is that you will get to know the dirt and she will stop being so appealing. You are currently idealizing her. Part of the process of being real friends is also making sure you aren't doing the stereotypically date-y thing of trying to hide unpleasant truths about yourself from her, trying to position yourself as super attractive and everything she ever wanted. Real friends are honest with each other. Real friends can become closer in a way that can lead to them concluding that "no, you aren't really my cup of tea romantically" and still very much value the friendship.
There is some saying about nothing cleans like sunshine and oxygen. Trying to stay "casual' friends is, in part, about trying to hide from yourself and her any ugly truths about each other. It is about maintaining a polite façade to each other. And if you maintain a polite façade and then wind up sleeping together, yeah, that's likely to involve drama. That's likely to go badly. But if you seek to be a real friend, either you will find that she's not All That and quit pining for her, or your life (and hers) will be enhanced for knowing each other, regardless of whether or not sex gets involved in the picture.
Sometimes, what people long for from me that they frame as sexual attraction isn't really about sex. Sometimes, just getting to know me better gives them what they really needed, no sex required. I don't see any reason why that would not be true for other relationships.
posted by Michele in California at 11:05 AM on October 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
B is drama waiting to happen. Remaining "casual" friends and kind of (secretly) hoping for her to become available is a recipe for the bad scenarios that folks above are positing as inevitable. It is not inevitable, but, yeah, it is highly likely. Because casual friends don't learn the real dirt going on in someone's life. Casual friends do not have a high degree of trust. Casual friends don't interact in a way that will be an antidote to any of the potential drama of this situation.
Real friends really talk. They also really respect each other's boundaries and do not sit around secretly hoping the other person's love life falls apart so they can swoop in and help the person pick up the pieces. If you can work towards becoming a serious friend to this person, it ultimately won't matter whether she stays with her current lady or ends it. It ultimately won't matter whether she ends up with you romantically or not. You will have done something that enhances both of your lives.
If you shoot for real friendship, one of the potential outcomes is that you will get to know the dirt and she will stop being so appealing. You are currently idealizing her. Part of the process of being real friends is also making sure you aren't doing the stereotypically date-y thing of trying to hide unpleasant truths about yourself from her, trying to position yourself as super attractive and everything she ever wanted. Real friends are honest with each other. Real friends can become closer in a way that can lead to them concluding that "no, you aren't really my cup of tea romantically" and still very much value the friendship.
There is some saying about nothing cleans like sunshine and oxygen. Trying to stay "casual' friends is, in part, about trying to hide from yourself and her any ugly truths about each other. It is about maintaining a polite façade to each other. And if you maintain a polite façade and then wind up sleeping together, yeah, that's likely to involve drama. That's likely to go badly. But if you seek to be a real friend, either you will find that she's not All That and quit pining for her, or your life (and hers) will be enhanced for knowing each other, regardless of whether or not sex gets involved in the picture.
Sometimes, what people long for from me that they frame as sexual attraction isn't really about sex. Sometimes, just getting to know me better gives them what they really needed, no sex required. I don't see any reason why that would not be true for other relationships.
posted by Michele in California at 11:05 AM on October 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
Hey guys, I really, really appreciate all the replies so far. I just want clarify, however, that the lady in question wasn't talking shit about her girlfriend. She never did that. If she did, I'd be majorly turned off. I just overheard her lamenting to a good friend of hers that they had been constantly arguing and fighting, and she sounded frustrated. I just don't want the replies to get off track because of misunderstanding about that one sentence. Also to clarify, she is not flirting with me nor trying to get with me. This is more about me and my feelings.posted by cortex (staff) at 11:51 AM on October 15, 2014
Ah – I'd definitely go along the lines of Michele's comment, in that case. Mainly, too, because you're clear that she's not flirting with you.
I've been in this position before; I'm sure more people than we realize have. Sunshine and oxygen, indeed – and yes, that can mean honoring your own feelings. "Honoring feelings" does NOT equal "getting what I want". You have feelings for her – you can honor them and respect her, as well as your, boundaries at the same time. Is it complex? Yes. Is it difficult? YES. Can it be more enriching than stuffing the feelings? If – IF – you feel up to the challenge, absolutely yes.
It all depends on what you feel comfortable with, always respecting her boundaries. When I was a kid, I heard and totally latched on to "if you love someone, set them free." With a good deal of time and maturity, I eventually realized that it's a pretty darn awesome philosophy indeed. Not only does it respect everyone involved, it leaves things, well, free. When people are truly free to make their own choices, they tend to make the best choices. That includes everyone, you too. You'll discover more about who she is as a person. There will be things, guaranteed, that change how you view her. In which ways... that remains to be discovered, such is the wondrous mystery of human relationships.
"Set them free" really needs to mean "free". No secret vengeance if you feel betrayed, is a big one for instance. Because even with the best of intents, if you haven't experienced this before, there's a strong likelihood you'll feel betrayed at some point, no matter how upright, conscientious, aware, and respectful you are. The key is to keep those feelings to yourself because they are your feelings based on your choice to explore. She is free.
Anecdotally, to illustrate what this can bring, between ten and five years ago, I had a spate of minor crushes, each of which passed in three-six months. None of them became friends, which clued me in to something – my own then-unrecognized need for deeper connections, which I then applied to more serious friendships (that had no romantic component whatsoever). Since then, I no longer get those minor crushes at all. On the other hand, in the span of my entire life now (38 years), I have had three major attractions, none of which I'll go into in detail, except to say that I very rigorously applied the "freedom" mantra. The first is your typical childhood sweetheart; we're still very close friends, but we would never work as a couple. We care for each other in a platonic, yet genuinely loving way, happily living our very different lives. The second of those attractions sparked a long, rich period of introspection. Nothing at all came of it with the man concerned. The third and most recent revived my desire to enjoy life to the fullest, and we have a friendship we both cherish. I care for him so much that I am, simply, delighted to see him happy.
And, really... that's the big, joyous secret of love that loves freedom. It is a rare, peaceful, unconditional joy.
If any of this sounds like too much, then pulling away is probably your best bet, and that's a good choice as well. Really, whatever choice sits best with your conscience, values, gut, and as always, respecting her boundaries, will be a "good" one.
posted by fraula at 12:51 PM on October 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
I've been in this position before; I'm sure more people than we realize have. Sunshine and oxygen, indeed – and yes, that can mean honoring your own feelings. "Honoring feelings" does NOT equal "getting what I want". You have feelings for her – you can honor them and respect her, as well as your, boundaries at the same time. Is it complex? Yes. Is it difficult? YES. Can it be more enriching than stuffing the feelings? If – IF – you feel up to the challenge, absolutely yes.
It all depends on what you feel comfortable with, always respecting her boundaries. When I was a kid, I heard and totally latched on to "if you love someone, set them free." With a good deal of time and maturity, I eventually realized that it's a pretty darn awesome philosophy indeed. Not only does it respect everyone involved, it leaves things, well, free. When people are truly free to make their own choices, they tend to make the best choices. That includes everyone, you too. You'll discover more about who she is as a person. There will be things, guaranteed, that change how you view her. In which ways... that remains to be discovered, such is the wondrous mystery of human relationships.
"Set them free" really needs to mean "free". No secret vengeance if you feel betrayed, is a big one for instance. Because even with the best of intents, if you haven't experienced this before, there's a strong likelihood you'll feel betrayed at some point, no matter how upright, conscientious, aware, and respectful you are. The key is to keep those feelings to yourself because they are your feelings based on your choice to explore. She is free.
Anecdotally, to illustrate what this can bring, between ten and five years ago, I had a spate of minor crushes, each of which passed in three-six months. None of them became friends, which clued me in to something – my own then-unrecognized need for deeper connections, which I then applied to more serious friendships (that had no romantic component whatsoever). Since then, I no longer get those minor crushes at all. On the other hand, in the span of my entire life now (38 years), I have had three major attractions, none of which I'll go into in detail, except to say that I very rigorously applied the "freedom" mantra. The first is your typical childhood sweetheart; we're still very close friends, but we would never work as a couple. We care for each other in a platonic, yet genuinely loving way, happily living our very different lives. The second of those attractions sparked a long, rich period of introspection. Nothing at all came of it with the man concerned. The third and most recent revived my desire to enjoy life to the fullest, and we have a friendship we both cherish. I care for him so much that I am, simply, delighted to see him happy.
And, really... that's the big, joyous secret of love that loves freedom. It is a rare, peaceful, unconditional joy.
If any of this sounds like too much, then pulling away is probably your best bet, and that's a good choice as well. Really, whatever choice sits best with your conscience, values, gut, and as always, respecting her boundaries, will be a "good" one.
posted by fraula at 12:51 PM on October 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
... apparently they already broke up once before.
Thanks for the follow-up. Doesn't change my answer. People struggle, relationships drag on acrimoniously- but people also do these things on purpose, for fun.
If you get to know her better, you'll have a better idea.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:52 PM on October 15, 2014
Thanks for the follow-up. Doesn't change my answer. People struggle, relationships drag on acrimoniously- but people also do these things on purpose, for fun.
If you get to know her better, you'll have a better idea.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:52 PM on October 15, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dontjumplarry at 11:35 PM on October 14, 2014 [6 favorites]