Was my friend rude to grab popcorn out of my bag without asking?
October 12, 2014 7:27 PM Subscribe
I was at the movies with two friends. We arrived early and were chatting in our seats. I like to save my popcorn for when the movie starts. So, I put a napkin over my popcorn. It's been a habit of mine since childhood (my family all does that).
My friend (who's sitting in the middle and decided not to buy popcorn) asks, "Oh, you're saving your popcorn for the movie?" To which I replied, "Yes". The next thing I know, she says, "Now I'm getting tempted!" I thought she was just joking, but she reached out and grabbed some of my popcorn from under the napkin.
I was shocked and said, "What are you doing?"
She was saying stuff like, "oh am I being a creeper?" or "What, I'm not allowed to eat your popcorn? You've let me eat it before", and "oh did I ruin this for you?"
It's hard for me to confront people when they do stuff I don't like, but I was really annoyed with her. We've never shared popcorn and she'd brought her own snack. She told me to tell her if I didn't like it, so I said, "yes, I don't mind if you'd like popcorn but ask first. How would YOU like it if I stuck my hand in your bag and ate some of your stuff without asking?" (she'd been eating her own snack out of a plastic sandwich bag while we waited). She said, "yeah, yeah, OK, I should have asked."
We dealt with it and didn't talk about it later, but I'm quite annoyed with her. This isn't the first time she's invaded my personal space without asking (she's reached out to adjust my jacket and backpack before because they were hanging in a way that "bothered" her). I don't think she's purposely trying to hurt me, but I think she sees me as a baby. I'm 31 and she's 62. Our other friend also was eating popcorn, but she never reached into HER bag; only mine. Could it be because our other friend is also in her 60s?
So could it be that maybe she sees me as a baby? Our friendship has never centered around age, however; we've always been equals. We've been friends for nearly 3 years now. I like her, but found this really annoying. I wouldn't even want my family members grabbing my food without asking me. My grandfather used to do this to my brother and me when we were young, until our grandmother told him to stop. I personally would ALWAYS ask people if I can have some of their food, no matter what their age. I'd never help myself to someone else's food without asking. Especially not if they put a napkin over it and said they were saving it! Not once did I ever suggest to her that I'm happy with people taking food from me without asking. I don't know what was going through her head. She's never done that before and that's why I'm so shocked and annoyed. It boggles my mind.
Do you think she was being rude or am I overreacting? Would you grab someone's popcorn without asking them, especially after they put a napkin over it and said they were saving it for the movie??
My friend (who's sitting in the middle and decided not to buy popcorn) asks, "Oh, you're saving your popcorn for the movie?" To which I replied, "Yes". The next thing I know, she says, "Now I'm getting tempted!" I thought she was just joking, but she reached out and grabbed some of my popcorn from under the napkin.
I was shocked and said, "What are you doing?"
She was saying stuff like, "oh am I being a creeper?" or "What, I'm not allowed to eat your popcorn? You've let me eat it before", and "oh did I ruin this for you?"
It's hard for me to confront people when they do stuff I don't like, but I was really annoyed with her. We've never shared popcorn and she'd brought her own snack. She told me to tell her if I didn't like it, so I said, "yes, I don't mind if you'd like popcorn but ask first. How would YOU like it if I stuck my hand in your bag and ate some of your stuff without asking?" (she'd been eating her own snack out of a plastic sandwich bag while we waited). She said, "yeah, yeah, OK, I should have asked."
We dealt with it and didn't talk about it later, but I'm quite annoyed with her. This isn't the first time she's invaded my personal space without asking (she's reached out to adjust my jacket and backpack before because they were hanging in a way that "bothered" her). I don't think she's purposely trying to hurt me, but I think she sees me as a baby. I'm 31 and she's 62. Our other friend also was eating popcorn, but she never reached into HER bag; only mine. Could it be because our other friend is also in her 60s?
So could it be that maybe she sees me as a baby? Our friendship has never centered around age, however; we've always been equals. We've been friends for nearly 3 years now. I like her, but found this really annoying. I wouldn't even want my family members grabbing my food without asking me. My grandfather used to do this to my brother and me when we were young, until our grandmother told him to stop. I personally would ALWAYS ask people if I can have some of their food, no matter what their age. I'd never help myself to someone else's food without asking. Especially not if they put a napkin over it and said they were saving it! Not once did I ever suggest to her that I'm happy with people taking food from me without asking. I don't know what was going through her head. She's never done that before and that's why I'm so shocked and annoyed. It boggles my mind.
Do you think she was being rude or am I overreacting? Would you grab someone's popcorn without asking them, especially after they put a napkin over it and said they were saving it for the movie??
You're overthinking this. She was just being silly and teasing you/pushing your buttons. She seems to have apologized, so maybe just let it go?
posted by discopolo at 7:31 PM on October 12, 2014 [51 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 7:31 PM on October 12, 2014 [51 favorites]
I think it was rude, she shouldn't have done it. At the same time, it seems to have been a sudden impulse, and she you called her on it and she acknowledged that she was in the wrong. I wouldn't dwell on it any further.
posted by peacheater at 7:32 PM on October 12, 2014 [37 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 7:32 PM on October 12, 2014 [37 favorites]
Eh, it was kinda rude, which she acknowledged. Your continuing and strong anger makes me think she pushed buttons she didn't know were there. How much does this have to do with her? It seems like not much.
I think I'd eat friends' popcorn without asking permission at a movie, though.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:34 PM on October 12, 2014 [40 favorites]
I think I'd eat friends' popcorn without asking permission at a movie, though.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:34 PM on October 12, 2014 [40 favorites]
I personally think you're overreacting, but if it bothers you it bothers you. Let her know that this kind of thing bothers you and stop reading into it.
posted by geegollygosh at 7:35 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by geegollygosh at 7:35 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: @bluedaisy -- I don't have "strong anger", it's more like annoyance. I wish I had been more firm in telling her that I didn't like what she did.
posted by starpoint at 7:36 PM on October 12, 2014
posted by starpoint at 7:36 PM on October 12, 2014
Yes it's rude. But have have you ever heard of the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"? You should file this under small stuff and stop giving it so much brain space.
posted by teamnap at 7:36 PM on October 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by teamnap at 7:36 PM on October 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
Also the napkin on top -- I get that your family did this, but I don't see this as some sort of known thing.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:37 PM on October 12, 2014 [30 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 7:37 PM on October 12, 2014 [30 favorites]
I think she was rude and I think you were overreacting. It's just popcorn; there's no need for a whole family history. Buy more and move on. And then you have more popcorn, hurray for more snacks!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:40 PM on October 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:40 PM on October 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
She was rude, you were good to call her on it, but it's probably good to let it go. This is not something that you want to waste mental energy on.
posted by arcticseal at 7:46 PM on October 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by arcticseal at 7:46 PM on October 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
Her eating popcorn from your bag isn't any ruder than you hoarding your popcorn and begrudging her taking some kernels. She was presumptuous, you were stingy and cold. I don't know what to tell you. If I had been there, the interaction would have made me think worse of you than of her, for what that's worth.
The napkin thing would be strange and meaningless to me. You can't expect anyone outside of your family to "honor the napkin," it's not a general custom.
It sounds to me like you overreacted at the time, and you are overreacting now.
posted by rue72 at 7:51 PM on October 12, 2014 [67 favorites]
The napkin thing would be strange and meaningless to me. You can't expect anyone outside of your family to "honor the napkin," it's not a general custom.
It sounds to me like you overreacted at the time, and you are overreacting now.
posted by rue72 at 7:51 PM on October 12, 2014 [67 favorites]
I think your anger is focused on popcorn incident, but is actually about something deeper, and you may want to think more about what that deeper thing might be. As others have pointed out, talking a handful of popcorn really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Most friends I know aren't so concerned about "respect", and you strike me as a bit rigid in your personality. I don't think your friend intended to disrespect you, and when you confronted her, she did say that she should have asked; it is a bit odd that you are still brooding over this.
It is wonderful that you have boundaries; many people, especially women, lack them. But part of what is great about friends is that they can push us in ways that may ultimately be good for us. To return to your case: it strikes me as a little....I don't know, prissy, I guess, to cover your popcorn with a napkin before the movie starts. Your friend sees this, gives you a hard time, and teases you a bit about this. In a healthy friendship, this kind of gentle boundary pushing happens all the time, and as long as our friends are decent people, it can be helpful in one's self-development. So maybe you reflect on the whole napkin covering thing and you can smile with amusement at yourself and your little quirks. My point is that sometimes letting up on the strict maintenance of one's boundaries can be a good thing.
You can have relationships with rules and you can worry about disrespect if you want, but you may want to reflect on what you might be missing out on if your relationships become overly rigid.
posted by girl flaneur at 7:54 PM on October 12, 2014 [39 favorites]
It is wonderful that you have boundaries; many people, especially women, lack them. But part of what is great about friends is that they can push us in ways that may ultimately be good for us. To return to your case: it strikes me as a little....I don't know, prissy, I guess, to cover your popcorn with a napkin before the movie starts. Your friend sees this, gives you a hard time, and teases you a bit about this. In a healthy friendship, this kind of gentle boundary pushing happens all the time, and as long as our friends are decent people, it can be helpful in one's self-development. So maybe you reflect on the whole napkin covering thing and you can smile with amusement at yourself and your little quirks. My point is that sometimes letting up on the strict maintenance of one's boundaries can be a good thing.
You can have relationships with rules and you can worry about disrespect if you want, but you may want to reflect on what you might be missing out on if your relationships become overly rigid.
posted by girl flaneur at 7:54 PM on October 12, 2014 [39 favorites]
I think she was being slightly rude, I think you are way overreacting and the fact that you seem to think it's an age difference things seems more like a hang-up on your end rather than on hers. It's a handful of popcorn. She was rude, she apologized. If you can't get over it, you need to examine why such a small thing would bother you this much.
posted by ELind at 7:56 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by ELind at 7:56 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's totally OK for you to stop hanging out with this friend, if you don't like her anymore, for this reason or for any other reason or for no particular reason at all.
If you like your friend and like hanging out with her, your strong feelings and argumentative behavior over this extremely minor transgression are really bewildering.
But if you don't like her, you can call this the last straw and stop going to movies with her. You'll both be happier.
posted by fritley at 7:57 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you like your friend and like hanging out with her, your strong feelings and argumentative behavior over this extremely minor transgression are really bewildering.
But if you don't like her, you can call this the last straw and stop going to movies with her. You'll both be happier.
posted by fritley at 7:57 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you really didn't like it. So it's perfectly fine for you to not like it, to tell your friend you don't like it, or to stop being friends with your friend for doing it, if you want.
If it was me I'd say, "Hey, I don't want you to eat my popcorn without asking. I'm serious." and be done with it. on the other hand, if it was me I wouldn't care if my friend ate my popcorn. Life is short. What's a little popcorn?
posted by latkes at 7:59 PM on October 12, 2014
If it was me I'd say, "Hey, I don't want you to eat my popcorn without asking. I'm serious." and be done with it. on the other hand, if it was me I wouldn't care if my friend ate my popcorn. Life is short. What's a little popcorn?
posted by latkes at 7:59 PM on October 12, 2014
Best answer: What your friend did was rude, yes. I think what pushes it into rudeness for me is the remarks she was making, though - she didn't realize she was being rude until you said something, and then she reacted in a pretty insensitive and distasteful way.
It is hard to set boundaries - even ones like "don't eat my food without asking" - with people who make fun of you or mock you when you try to set them. I suggest saying something to your friend the next time something like this happens: "Friend, sometimes I feel like I am being treated like a child. Please respect my boundaries and preferences, even if they do not make sense to you. I find it hurtful and upsetting when you speak like that to me." That is a good, kind, firm way to tell someone that their behavior isn't something that you are OK with. To that end, I disagree entirely with the idea that it is good for your friends to push your boundaries, or that it is normal to have friends that push boundaries. I do not tolerate boundary-pushing from people that I want in my life, even if my boundaries seem silly or "prissy" to them. I can figure out my boundaries on my own and whether or not I want to push them, thanks. This book on boundaries has been suggested to me numerous times and although I haven't read it perhaps it might be helpful for you.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 8:00 PM on October 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
It is hard to set boundaries - even ones like "don't eat my food without asking" - with people who make fun of you or mock you when you try to set them. I suggest saying something to your friend the next time something like this happens: "Friend, sometimes I feel like I am being treated like a child. Please respect my boundaries and preferences, even if they do not make sense to you. I find it hurtful and upsetting when you speak like that to me." That is a good, kind, firm way to tell someone that their behavior isn't something that you are OK with. To that end, I disagree entirely with the idea that it is good for your friends to push your boundaries, or that it is normal to have friends that push boundaries. I do not tolerate boundary-pushing from people that I want in my life, even if my boundaries seem silly or "prissy" to them. I can figure out my boundaries on my own and whether or not I want to push them, thanks. This book on boundaries has been suggested to me numerous times and although I haven't read it perhaps it might be helpful for you.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 8:00 PM on October 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
I think you're finally acting (or attempting to act) on the resentment you've been building up towards this woman for some time. I know it's hard to set boundaries, because it's hard for everyone, but this is what happens when you let people test your limits over and over. You gotta deal with this more productively. Maybe it's time to have a heart to heart with this woman and let her know that the popcorn thing was frustrating for you because it isn't the first time she's pushed you by invading your space. Tell her you're having a hard time feeling like she respects you, and you're upset that she doesn't take your "no's" seriously. If she treats you badly for doing so, dump her. She doesn't need to be in your life.
Neither does this anger or resentment though.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:00 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
Neither does this anger or resentment though.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:00 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
Do you think she was being rude or am I overreacting? Would you grab someone's popcorn without asking them, especially after they put a napkin over it and said they were saving it for the movie??
She was rude. You're overreacting. I sometimes pick food off of people's plates if we're in a casual situation and I'm pretty sure they're okay with it. If they say they are not okay with it, I apologize and move on. She was probably teasing you about the napkin thing and when you reacted she was egged on. I personally hate interactions like that and have very little patience for people who tease me especially if it's something I'm upset about but I can totally see someone not really grokking that this was that big a deal.
It sounds like her prolonged teasing really bothered you (it would bother me) and this is more about that interaction than someone touching your food. If it IS just about someone touching your food, you should be more clear using understood-by-others signals (like words) that your food is for you and you won't be sharing. But I think in the future when she starts goofing with you or touching your stuff just be clear and say "Don't touch me" or "don't touch my things' and if she makes a thing about it just repeat yourself and don't engage with some dopey back and forth. Some people like to push or test boundaries, sounds like your friend is one of them.
posted by jessamyn at 8:02 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
She was rude. You're overreacting. I sometimes pick food off of people's plates if we're in a casual situation and I'm pretty sure they're okay with it. If they say they are not okay with it, I apologize and move on. She was probably teasing you about the napkin thing and when you reacted she was egged on. I personally hate interactions like that and have very little patience for people who tease me especially if it's something I'm upset about but I can totally see someone not really grokking that this was that big a deal.
It sounds like her prolonged teasing really bothered you (it would bother me) and this is more about that interaction than someone touching your food. If it IS just about someone touching your food, you should be more clear using understood-by-others signals (like words) that your food is for you and you won't be sharing. But I think in the future when she starts goofing with you or touching your stuff just be clear and say "Don't touch me" or "don't touch my things' and if she makes a thing about it just repeat yourself and don't engage with some dopey back and forth. Some people like to push or test boundaries, sounds like your friend is one of them.
posted by jessamyn at 8:02 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think it was rude of her to take your food without it being offered (even though she hinted that she wanted some), and unlike others above I do not think you are overreacting. I also do not think she was sincerely apologizing to you, it sounds like she was trying to shame you for calling her out on her rudeness, in order to hide her own embarrassment. Doing that, and invading your space in any way are very immature ways to behave, regardless of her age.
Your feelings are your own and if it bothers you it bothers you. It's a dead issue this time, I wouldn't bring this incident up again, but if anything occurs again where she is invading your space I would get on eye level with her and tell her calmly "I don't like this. My space is being invaded. Please do not adjust my clothing / take my food / etc again. I don't like it." You do not need to justify your feelings, you don't need to explain them. People need to be taught how to treat us. If you state your feelings and she does anything other than apologize immediately then she is a complete clod and you will know how to frame your friendship.
posted by vignettist at 8:03 PM on October 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
Your feelings are your own and if it bothers you it bothers you. It's a dead issue this time, I wouldn't bring this incident up again, but if anything occurs again where she is invading your space I would get on eye level with her and tell her calmly "I don't like this. My space is being invaded. Please do not adjust my clothing / take my food / etc again. I don't like it." You do not need to justify your feelings, you don't need to explain them. People need to be taught how to treat us. If you state your feelings and she does anything other than apologize immediately then she is a complete clod and you will know how to frame your friendship.
posted by vignettist at 8:03 PM on October 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
My feelings about food are different from other (normal) people's feelings because I'm one of four kids and my young life was dominated by older siblings demanding a French fry tax when we went to McDonald's and sharing food like popcorn at the movies. I've definitely had times where I grabbed a fry from a friend's plate or something similar without remembering that that is not how people typically behave. When that has happened, I felt badly and apologized, though I can't say whether I have every time that has happened because I might not notice I've done it without someone giving me a look like I did something that was off.
Anyway, I understand being annoyed. It's a little strange, in my opinion, to worry that she sees you as a baby. Obviously, you're not a baby. If you don't want to hang out anymore, that's a little weird in my opinion but that's my opinion. I might not go to another movie with her again unless other people will be there - that way, they can sit in between you.
posted by kat518 at 8:05 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Anyway, I understand being annoyed. It's a little strange, in my opinion, to worry that she sees you as a baby. Obviously, you're not a baby. If you don't want to hang out anymore, that's a little weird in my opinion but that's my opinion. I might not go to another movie with her again unless other people will be there - that way, they can sit in between you.
posted by kat518 at 8:05 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Miss bring-her-own-snacks-because-she's-to-cheap-to-buy-popcorn reached her grubby claw into you popcorn and bogarted some of your popcorn after you made it clear you were saving it for the movie. That's rude, uncool, and not sanitary.
Make a mental note not to go to the movies with this person again, but don't spend more time thinking about this, it's just going to make you angry. If that can't be avoided leave a seat between the two of you when you do go to the movies. If she reaches for your food ever again grab in any setting her grubby little claw stop her. Then make like what you are eating is the best thing in the world and tell her what a shame it is that she can't have any.
posted by Rob Rockets at 8:09 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Make a mental note not to go to the movies with this person again, but don't spend more time thinking about this, it's just going to make you angry. If that can't be avoided leave a seat between the two of you when you do go to the movies. If she reaches for your food ever again grab in any setting her grubby little claw stop her. Then make like what you are eating is the best thing in the world and tell her what a shame it is that she can't have any.
posted by Rob Rockets at 8:09 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Also, just because other people in this thread don't think what your friend did was rude or inappropriate doesn't mean it suddenly isn't. Your concerns matter, and your boundaries, personal property and personal space deserve to be respected. I hear you on your anger, and I would have felt frustrated too if it had been me in your position.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:10 PM on October 12, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:10 PM on October 12, 2014 [9 favorites]
Sounds like she has boundary issues. Eating your covered food that you haven't had a bite of first and that you're expressly saving? Readjusting your clothing because it was bugging her? All without asking? None of this behavior is polite and respectful.
If someone repeatedly didn't respect my boundaries, I'd start not wanting to spend time with them. Because of the age difference, she may also feel motherly toward you and feel entitled to step on you a bit. It's fine to call her out on this.
posted by quince at 8:12 PM on October 12, 2014 [7 favorites]
If someone repeatedly didn't respect my boundaries, I'd start not wanting to spend time with them. Because of the age difference, she may also feel motherly toward you and feel entitled to step on you a bit. It's fine to call her out on this.
posted by quince at 8:12 PM on October 12, 2014 [7 favorites]
Your annoyance is valid. But I suggest not taking what she did personally--or inserting any sort of malice in it. Perhaps she is just extremely comfortable with you and thought you are 'close enough' friends that she didn't have to ask your permission. You communicated how you felt, and she acknowledged what she did. Hopefully she'll be more mindful of your boundaries in the future. For the sake of the friendship, give her the benefit of the doubt.
posted by tackypink at 8:13 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by tackypink at 8:13 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeap, I think it was rude and disrespectful. She did the specific opposite of what you'd asked her to do. And while I agree that it's healthiest for you to sincerely forget about the whole thing, I don't feel you're overthinking/reacting to the situation. I actually think the internet is a safe and fine place to examine micro incidents and your reactions to them with strangers, and try to generalize from them the lessons you learned.
posted by phreckles at 8:21 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by phreckles at 8:21 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
I'm 31 and she's 62.
It is absolutely, positively too late for this person to make any meaningful change to her personality. She's done, fully baked.
You, however, are young enough to get comfortable saying things like No and Back Off and Hey, I Need Some New Goddamn Friends.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:35 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
It is absolutely, positively too late for this person to make any meaningful change to her personality. She's done, fully baked.
You, however, are young enough to get comfortable saying things like No and Back Off and Hey, I Need Some New Goddamn Friends.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:35 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's the taunting that's really gross. Some people are like that, but I don't keep them in my life, personally. You don't have to either.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:15 PM on October 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 9:15 PM on October 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
She sounds a bit dickish, but it's just popcorn.
posted by The Monkey at 9:50 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by The Monkey at 9:50 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
I have had a friend like this, who could be really pushy in a physical way. We were roommates before we were friends and the friendship ended when I moved out and started phasing her out. If we hadn't lived together, we probably would have continued to have a casual friendship where she did her physical boundary pushing/insecurity/weirdness and I would've done my typical sarcastic/playful yet wtf/cold shoulder/"you philistine" thing. If there are other things you appreciate about her, you can push back in your own playful-yet-assertive way, that expresses your personality. Or you can choose to be friends with people who are less physically assertive.
I also once had a friend who did something similar when I visited her house for the first time-- she yanked my MacBook power cord out of my laptop (while I was using it) to charge her own. At the time I was ! because I would never ever do that to a new friend, but she didn't mean anything by it, it was probably a gesture of closeness. On the other hand, or friendship eventually fizzled out because she was too "blunt"/kinda mean and I was too shy/boring. But it's up to you.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:55 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
I also once had a friend who did something similar when I visited her house for the first time-- she yanked my MacBook power cord out of my laptop (while I was using it) to charge her own. At the time I was ! because I would never ever do that to a new friend, but she didn't mean anything by it, it was probably a gesture of closeness. On the other hand, or friendship eventually fizzled out because she was too "blunt"/kinda mean and I was too shy/boring. But it's up to you.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:55 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
You are way over thinking this. Who cares if she fixed your backpack strap? You are reading into this if the only examples you can come up with is that she took some popcorn without asking and fixed your backpack strap.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:08 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:08 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't give anyone a second chance who took my food without asking permission. To me this goes beyond rude and into the realm of assault.
posted by macinchik at 10:24 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by macinchik at 10:24 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think your feelings on this are completely valid. You're not overreacting. I've had several friends like this (who overstep boundaries and/or act like they know what's best for me), and I find it very annoying. The part where she adjusts your straps, etc., because it "bothers her" reminds me of certain friends I have who often criticize my clothes and/or style. Sometimes people just don't know how to keep certain things to themselves and respect others' space.
So, yes, your friend was rude. Intentionally? Probably not. But, she should've toned down the sarcasm when confronted, and maybe shown a bit more tact.
posted by dubious_dude at 10:34 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
So, yes, your friend was rude. Intentionally? Probably not. But, she should've toned down the sarcasm when confronted, and maybe shown a bit more tact.
posted by dubious_dude at 10:34 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
When I read back through your Asks, I see a few patterns--especially the themes of feeling patronized by older family members and friends, and issues of perceived disrespect (from you, from your family, from peers, whatever.) I'm also seeing that it it seems to be typical in your family to address these instances of disrespect or boundary-violating behavior with a lot of intense escalation on both sides, sometimes to the extent of nearly ending a close family relationship over some relatively minor property transgression.
Your friend sounds rude and pushy, but mostly like she's the kind of person who is used to teasing and casual physicality in relationships, while you are not (or you don't consider this to be a close enough relationship for that to be acceptable). This is annoying, but instead of saying, "ugh, Linda is always up in everyone's business and needs to stop being so touchy feely" and then telling her to cut it out and give you your space, you seem to be instinctively looking for a way to escalate this annoying trait of hers into a big symbol of how she doesn't respect you or thinks you're "a baby" (a phrase that pops up in previous Asks of yours) or has otherwise done you a huge wrong. What does your internal conflict resolution process look like? Is there a better way to deal with situations like these than the "Linda did this to me, ergo she must [worst possible interpretation]"?
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:07 PM on October 12, 2014 [37 favorites]
Your friend sounds rude and pushy, but mostly like she's the kind of person who is used to teasing and casual physicality in relationships, while you are not (or you don't consider this to be a close enough relationship for that to be acceptable). This is annoying, but instead of saying, "ugh, Linda is always up in everyone's business and needs to stop being so touchy feely" and then telling her to cut it out and give you your space, you seem to be instinctively looking for a way to escalate this annoying trait of hers into a big symbol of how she doesn't respect you or thinks you're "a baby" (a phrase that pops up in previous Asks of yours) or has otherwise done you a huge wrong. What does your internal conflict resolution process look like? Is there a better way to deal with situations like these than the "Linda did this to me, ergo she must [worst possible interpretation]"?
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:07 PM on October 12, 2014 [37 favorites]
Best answer: Or, it sounds like your family, especially your mom, has a long history of using trivial Stuff as a symbol or talisman of huge, deep-rooted issues of power, boundaries, control, perceived abandonment, etc. I think when your parent-age friend started pettily teasing you and crossing your Stuff boundaries, it triggered a lot of the issues you've had with your family that you've discussed in previous Asks. Your friend seemed to be acting out of obliviousness rather than the kind of intense emotional manipulation you associate with these power/control plays from your family, and while you handled the situation well in the moment (she seems to have been embarrassed and gone into defensive teasing, but later apologized after you reasoned with her), you're haunted by it because it hasn't blown up into the kind of huge fight you expect this kind of Stuff incident to spark. Let it go; realize that you can tell your friend to back off without it causing a total meltdown; remind yourself that you're an adult and you've escaped the insanity of your family, and that you don't have to do things that way.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:35 PM on October 12, 2014 [26 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:35 PM on October 12, 2014 [26 favorites]
I think she was being slightly rude, I think you are way overreacting and the fact that you seem to think it's an age difference things seems more like a hang-up on your end rather than on hers.
This.
Sounds like she has boundary issues. Eating your covered food that you haven't had a bite of first and that you're expressly saving? Readjusting your clothing because it was bugging her? All without asking? None of this behavior is polite and respectful.
Also this. And for what it's worth, adjusting someone else's clothing sounds borderline ocd to me, not just "motherish" or boundary-insensitive. Likewise, for an adult to continue to teasing a friend when she's obviously upset sounds almost bizarrely insensitive and oblivious. It could be the way you describe her, but this woman comes across to me like she has deeper behavioral issues than just rudeness.
But I think the first point is probably the more important one, at least as far as your feelings are concerned. Your age difference doesn't have anything obvious to do with her stealing your popcorn at the movies, so the fact that you bothered to bring it up--and talked about it for so long--makes it seem like the issue may be bothering you more than you realize.
I'm just guessing here, but have you and this woman by any chance been friends for a long time? When I was in my 20s I was very close with a man in his 50s (and his family), and for a long time it was great, just like you describe: we were equals; we did stuff together that I couldn't do with friends my own age (because they didn't have houses); we talked about all kinds of things. But when I got into my 30s something about the dynamic between us changed: he started settling into semi-retirement; I started settling into my career and just generally taking my life more seriously; he moved out of the city and his kids stopped coming around; I started to realize he didn't have his shit together quite as much as I thought he did; and it started to feel like whenever we got together I was intruding on his time with his wife and taking advantage of their hospitality. Didn't mean we didn't still care about each other; it just meant we had grown apart. It sounds like that may be happening with you two--or, at the very least, like you may be growing apart from her. Maybe you liked the mothering more when you were younger and adulthood was scarier?
Again, I'm just guessing, but it does seem like the age thing has become an issue for you.
posted by urufu at 12:12 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
This.
Sounds like she has boundary issues. Eating your covered food that you haven't had a bite of first and that you're expressly saving? Readjusting your clothing because it was bugging her? All without asking? None of this behavior is polite and respectful.
Also this. And for what it's worth, adjusting someone else's clothing sounds borderline ocd to me, not just "motherish" or boundary-insensitive. Likewise, for an adult to continue to teasing a friend when she's obviously upset sounds almost bizarrely insensitive and oblivious. It could be the way you describe her, but this woman comes across to me like she has deeper behavioral issues than just rudeness.
But I think the first point is probably the more important one, at least as far as your feelings are concerned. Your age difference doesn't have anything obvious to do with her stealing your popcorn at the movies, so the fact that you bothered to bring it up--and talked about it for so long--makes it seem like the issue may be bothering you more than you realize.
I'm just guessing here, but have you and this woman by any chance been friends for a long time? When I was in my 20s I was very close with a man in his 50s (and his family), and for a long time it was great, just like you describe: we were equals; we did stuff together that I couldn't do with friends my own age (because they didn't have houses); we talked about all kinds of things. But when I got into my 30s something about the dynamic between us changed: he started settling into semi-retirement; I started settling into my career and just generally taking my life more seriously; he moved out of the city and his kids stopped coming around; I started to realize he didn't have his shit together quite as much as I thought he did; and it started to feel like whenever we got together I was intruding on his time with his wife and taking advantage of their hospitality. Didn't mean we didn't still care about each other; it just meant we had grown apart. It sounds like that may be happening with you two--or, at the very least, like you may be growing apart from her. Maybe you liked the mothering more when you were younger and adulthood was scarier?
Again, I'm just guessing, but it does seem like the age thing has become an issue for you.
posted by urufu at 12:12 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's less about "is this good manners" than "is this really a normal reaction to a friend violating an etiquette rule". That she's never done it before suggests to me that she is not some kind of serial food-stealer, she was just acting in a way that with other people might be construed as an affectionate breach of the usual rules of conduct. I agree that your past question history seems very fixated on these rules of conduct and who's in the right and wrong about them, and ultimately that's just not the easiest way to have a social life. At some point it's not about the rules and keeping score of who's right and who's wrong. If you're generally not happy being friends with somebody, you don't need a reason to not be friends with them. If you're generally happily friends, it would be ludicrous to hold something like this against them in the absence of it being a pattern of behavior and after an apology. Friends aren't psychic and are going to cross the lines of what you consider to be appropriate behavior sometimes. Even if it's a slam-dunk rude thing they did--I have had friends miss meet-ups without calling me, I've had friends slam doors in my face because they weren't paying attention, I've had friends make racist or sexist remarks... the reason those people are still my friends is that they were isolated incidents and apologies were said and we all moved on.
You really need to spend less time on establishing right and wrong sides of your relationships with your friends and family, no matter how much real justification there might be for you being right. Rightness isn't everything. The internet telling you that you're right is not going to replace healthy relationships with real people in your life.
For the record, I have had friends steal my french fries before, too, and I can't really picture doing it myself, but I so cannot picture that being a hill worth dying on.
posted by Sequence at 12:15 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
You really need to spend less time on establishing right and wrong sides of your relationships with your friends and family, no matter how much real justification there might be for you being right. Rightness isn't everything. The internet telling you that you're right is not going to replace healthy relationships with real people in your life.
For the record, I have had friends steal my french fries before, too, and I can't really picture doing it myself, but I so cannot picture that being a hill worth dying on.
posted by Sequence at 12:15 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Yes, this was very rude of her.
How big of a deal it should be to you depends on whether this is part of a pattern of disrespect and boundary-pushing on her part? If it is, you should definitely push back and perhaps reassess the value of this friendship. If it was an anomaly, let it go -- she apologized.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:07 AM on October 13, 2014
How big of a deal it should be to you depends on whether this is part of a pattern of disrespect and boundary-pushing on her part? If it is, you should definitely push back and perhaps reassess the value of this friendship. If it was an anomaly, let it go -- she apologized.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:07 AM on October 13, 2014
Best answer: Do you think she was being rude or am I overreacting? Would you grab someone's popcorn without asking them, especially after they put a napkin over it and said they were saving it for the movie??
The napkin wouldn't mean anything to me -- that's not a universal signal at all. In my social world grabbing the popcorn without saying anything would be a bit rude, but grabbing it while saying something like "do you mind if I take some?" would be fine, because the expectation is that popcorn is for sharing. Not everyone has those expectations, but that is the case when I go to the movies with friends.
So yes, she was rude (and in your telling of it doesn't come off sounding like a super pleasant person who I would want to hang out with), but you are overreacting to a much larger degree. It was a minor rudeness that probably all or most of us have done at some point, and as long as a) she apologized and b) she doesn't do the same thing again, the polite and normal thing to do is consider it ended. Being inadvertently rude is a normal part of life -- there's no way to know ahead of time that someone is particularly sensitive about a certain issue, so the rudeness is less in accidentally crossing a boundary than in not handling that transgression with grace and tact. I always feel terrible when I've been inadvertently rude, but it happens and I know it will continue to happen, so it's on me to be forthright and polite about it and file that person's particular boundaries away in my mind so that I don't do that a second time.
And some people just aren't compatible, and that's ok. Sometimes someone who is fun and enjoyable at one point in your life just isn't fun to be with a year later -- it happens and that's normal, and it doesn't mean anyone involved is doing anything wrong or rude. People change, your needs and expectations change, and what is fun and relaxing changes.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:37 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
The napkin wouldn't mean anything to me -- that's not a universal signal at all. In my social world grabbing the popcorn without saying anything would be a bit rude, but grabbing it while saying something like "do you mind if I take some?" would be fine, because the expectation is that popcorn is for sharing. Not everyone has those expectations, but that is the case when I go to the movies with friends.
So yes, she was rude (and in your telling of it doesn't come off sounding like a super pleasant person who I would want to hang out with), but you are overreacting to a much larger degree. It was a minor rudeness that probably all or most of us have done at some point, and as long as a) she apologized and b) she doesn't do the same thing again, the polite and normal thing to do is consider it ended. Being inadvertently rude is a normal part of life -- there's no way to know ahead of time that someone is particularly sensitive about a certain issue, so the rudeness is less in accidentally crossing a boundary than in not handling that transgression with grace and tact. I always feel terrible when I've been inadvertently rude, but it happens and I know it will continue to happen, so it's on me to be forthright and polite about it and file that person's particular boundaries away in my mind so that I don't do that a second time.
And some people just aren't compatible, and that's ok. Sometimes someone who is fun and enjoyable at one point in your life just isn't fun to be with a year later -- it happens and that's normal, and it doesn't mean anyone involved is doing anything wrong or rude. People change, your needs and expectations change, and what is fun and relaxing changes.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:37 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
She was rude, no question. But it was a small transgression, the kind I'd let go almost immediately but mentally file away for future reference. Not to hold a grudge or keep score, but in case the friend's rude gestures were a regular occurrence, in which case I'd have to reevaluate the friendship.
It's hard to tell whether your friend has a history of doing small rude things; in one paragraph, you mention her history of invading your personal space, but in the next, you mention that the popcorn thing shocked you. It might be worth trying to figure out if this behavior was in or out of character for her, and whether her friendship is worth putting up with stuff like that. Don't try to analyze why she'd do something like that; what matters is that the behavior bothers you.
It's clear from your description, however, that she inadvertently crossed a line into territory that happens to be an issue for you. And so your reaction seems out of line to a lot of people, because swiping food without asking doesn't hold the same sort of weight to them as it does to you. We all draw our own boundaries in slightly different ways, and we all have things that are A Thing for us but not for the average person, and people who don't know us very well (or who just don't care) are going to push our buttons on our individual things. When our boundaries and our reactions to crossed boundaries are stronger than most people anticipate, we can either try to reinforce them or relax them - usually a combination of both. Some (probably most) people will understand and immediately apologize if you say, "Hey, could you not do that? I have a thing about other people taking my food." Some people will find it ridiculous, and you're free to distance yourself from them.
Additionally, I think a lot of people view movie popcorn as practically disposable: it comes in preposterously oversized bags and moviegoers frequently spill it without a second thought. Many, if not most, people who buy movie popcorn do so with the expectation that their friends will want a few bites. It could easily be the case that your friend wouldn't dream of nabbing something from your plate at a restaurant, but considered movie popcorn fair game.
(For the record, I've never seen or heard of the napkin thing and would find it kind of strange, but that's tangential to the real issue.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:02 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
It's hard to tell whether your friend has a history of doing small rude things; in one paragraph, you mention her history of invading your personal space, but in the next, you mention that the popcorn thing shocked you. It might be worth trying to figure out if this behavior was in or out of character for her, and whether her friendship is worth putting up with stuff like that. Don't try to analyze why she'd do something like that; what matters is that the behavior bothers you.
It's clear from your description, however, that she inadvertently crossed a line into territory that happens to be an issue for you. And so your reaction seems out of line to a lot of people, because swiping food without asking doesn't hold the same sort of weight to them as it does to you. We all draw our own boundaries in slightly different ways, and we all have things that are A Thing for us but not for the average person, and people who don't know us very well (or who just don't care) are going to push our buttons on our individual things. When our boundaries and our reactions to crossed boundaries are stronger than most people anticipate, we can either try to reinforce them or relax them - usually a combination of both. Some (probably most) people will understand and immediately apologize if you say, "Hey, could you not do that? I have a thing about other people taking my food." Some people will find it ridiculous, and you're free to distance yourself from them.
Additionally, I think a lot of people view movie popcorn as practically disposable: it comes in preposterously oversized bags and moviegoers frequently spill it without a second thought. Many, if not most, people who buy movie popcorn do so with the expectation that their friends will want a few bites. It could easily be the case that your friend wouldn't dream of nabbing something from your plate at a restaurant, but considered movie popcorn fair game.
(For the record, I've never seen or heard of the napkin thing and would find it kind of strange, but that's tangential to the real issue.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:02 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I think that you're slightly over thinking these things AND that she is vaguely entitled and impolite. Your food was covered, your other friend had popcorn and she still reached into your bag? I would have said "wait, I'm saving it" if someone reached into my food or said something funny and inconsequential to let them know that it's odd/rude.
Personally, I wouldn't abide someone reaching into my food without asking. A joking finger dive might be acceptable--but it's just that, it's a joke--not an entitled grab for food that isn't their own. She was probably joking. She also doesn't know that it genuinely offended/bothered you.
Just address it gently when it happens again. If you need boundaries enforced you have a right to this in any relationship.
Adjusting a jacket/clothing is an intimate thing that good friends, family and lovers do. It's sweet. If you dislike it, you could mention it with another lighthearted comment. "Hey, are you grooming me?" She probably feels really comfortable around you though, that's why she does this-- it's an act of affection.
Don't read too much into it in terms of age. She's impolite, but I doubt that you're the only person she treats in this manner. Observe how she interacts with other people. Maybe comment on someone else's rude behavior when she's around and see what she thinks.
posted by bibliophilia at 7:06 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Personally, I wouldn't abide someone reaching into my food without asking. A joking finger dive might be acceptable--but it's just that, it's a joke--not an entitled grab for food that isn't their own. She was probably joking. She also doesn't know that it genuinely offended/bothered you.
Just address it gently when it happens again. If you need boundaries enforced you have a right to this in any relationship.
Adjusting a jacket/clothing is an intimate thing that good friends, family and lovers do. It's sweet. If you dislike it, you could mention it with another lighthearted comment. "Hey, are you grooming me?" She probably feels really comfortable around you though, that's why she does this-- it's an act of affection.
Don't read too much into it in terms of age. She's impolite, but I doubt that you're the only person she treats in this manner. Observe how she interacts with other people. Maybe comment on someone else's rude behavior when she's around and see what she thinks.
posted by bibliophilia at 7:06 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Technically rude, yes. You seriously overreacted.
I'd guess the friend wants you to stretch a little. You seem to want your friend to join you in a world of rigid rules where infractions are officially punished. Maybe try to live more in your friend's less formal world where people can make mistakes and be human.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:20 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'd guess the friend wants you to stretch a little. You seem to want your friend to join you in a world of rigid rules where infractions are officially punished. Maybe try to live more in your friend's less formal world where people can make mistakes and be human.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:20 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Do I think what she did was rude? No. Do you think what she did was rude? Yes and that is what matters. If it bothers you then bring it up with her, in a neutral time & place. So not in the midst of what is making you angry. Just casually explain that you have your preferences & one of them is taking of popcorn without asking (or what ever it was exactly about what she did that bothered you), don't blame, don't get angry just say what you prefer, explain the napkin rule to her if you like. Keep it casual & non accusatory to start with. If your friend doesn't know these things bother you then they don't know not to do them. Of course if she keeps doing it once she knows it bothers you then you have a whole other problem.
posted by wwax at 7:57 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by wwax at 7:57 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I read your friend's actions and comments as, well, kinda "flirty". Not that she was trying to get sexual with you. It reminds me of I forget the couple in tv/movies where they order french fries and she gobbles up the 'good' ones and leaves him with all of the bits and pieces. Which (she maintains) he loves. It's a quirky thing where he lets her overstep a boundary, and because he lets her do that, she feels special.
I think your friend might have been impulsively trying to be playful like that. I mean, friends sitting in a theatre waiting for a movie to start - it's boring, you can either stare at the screen or interact with your friends.
But it didn't work. Which is the nature of these things: sometimes you flirt - and get back a cold stare.
The point I'm trying to make is that yes, she was rude, but not intentionally, aggressively rude; more like, "she was trying to make a cute joke and it failed" rude. If she does this a lot and it is a real problem for you, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the friendship. But I think that in her mind she felt comfortable / close enough with you that she wanted to 'play'. Too bad it didn't work out.
The bit about adjusting your coat or whatever? That probably happens 10,000 times a day. Friends shopping in a mall, someone notices your belt is twisted in the back where you can't see, and they fix it for you.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:09 AM on October 13, 2014 [11 favorites]
I think your friend might have been impulsively trying to be playful like that. I mean, friends sitting in a theatre waiting for a movie to start - it's boring, you can either stare at the screen or interact with your friends.
But it didn't work. Which is the nature of these things: sometimes you flirt - and get back a cold stare.
The point I'm trying to make is that yes, she was rude, but not intentionally, aggressively rude; more like, "she was trying to make a cute joke and it failed" rude. If she does this a lot and it is a real problem for you, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the friendship. But I think that in her mind she felt comfortable / close enough with you that she wanted to 'play'. Too bad it didn't work out.
The bit about adjusting your coat or whatever? That probably happens 10,000 times a day. Friends shopping in a mall, someone notices your belt is twisted in the back where you can't see, and they fix it for you.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:09 AM on October 13, 2014 [11 favorites]
This is not about the popcorn. This is about the fact that you view all of her actions contemptuously because you dislike her and feel she condescends to you based on your age and your family history. This is also known as "Look at that bitch eating crackers like she owns the place." Honestly, when that sort of thing sets in for me, the friendship is generally done. The only way to get back out is to make an effort to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, to empathize and be kind.
Really, it's just popcorn.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:42 AM on October 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
Really, it's just popcorn.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:42 AM on October 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
Best answer: First of all, welcome to the wonderful world of diminishing filter. You don't see it until people get into their sixties, but when it appears....shit.
My parents are voiciferous in expressing pretty much anything that comes into their heads. But they just do and say whatever they want, without regard for how anyone they're with may feel. Sounds like popcorn lady is in that same demographic.
I find that just getting right back at them works the best. "Olivia. I'm going to be selfish and eat all of my popcorn. If you want some, buy your own." Or , "It may seem strange to you, but this is an issue with me. I don't like other people's hands in my food. Please don't do that."
You don't have to be impolite or even mean when you say it, but you are within your rights not to have to share your stuff with others, especially food.
If someone mocks you, again, state your boundary, "as someone who brings her own snacks to the movies, it may seem odd to you, but this is a treat for me and part of that is that I don't share."
I'd even say something as you were buying popcorn, if you expect to go to the movies with this crew in the future, "Okay, everyone knows that this is for me alone, right? Buy your own popcorn now or forever hold your peace."
But staying aggrivated or angry about only hurts you. She doesn't even rememeber it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:42 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
My parents are voiciferous in expressing pretty much anything that comes into their heads. But they just do and say whatever they want, without regard for how anyone they're with may feel. Sounds like popcorn lady is in that same demographic.
I find that just getting right back at them works the best. "Olivia. I'm going to be selfish and eat all of my popcorn. If you want some, buy your own." Or , "It may seem strange to you, but this is an issue with me. I don't like other people's hands in my food. Please don't do that."
You don't have to be impolite or even mean when you say it, but you are within your rights not to have to share your stuff with others, especially food.
If someone mocks you, again, state your boundary, "as someone who brings her own snacks to the movies, it may seem odd to you, but this is a treat for me and part of that is that I don't share."
I'd even say something as you were buying popcorn, if you expect to go to the movies with this crew in the future, "Okay, everyone knows that this is for me alone, right? Buy your own popcorn now or forever hold your peace."
But staying aggrivated or angry about only hurts you. She doesn't even rememeber it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:42 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Hmm, honestly, if this were me and it were my unusual quirk to cover my popcorn with my napkin and my friend was ribbing me by sneaking popcorn out from under it, I think the ideal response would be to playfully say, like, "DUDE, this is MY private popcorn" and gently throw an elbow or some jokey way to both call her out and make light of the fact that is a little weird to have private popcorn. But don't write an upset, overly long Ask.me question asking others to help you deconstruct the popcorn incident. That can't be the right response to the situation.
posted by mermily at 2:41 PM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mermily at 2:41 PM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Are you hanging out with my mom? This sounds exactly like her! Is it annoying? YES. But, it's also something I could see myself doing to friends I am fond of (we become our mothers...)
She doesn't want the popcorn: she wants to get a rise out of you. She probably thinks she's being cute/flirty. Some people are just like this (your friend, my mom, me sometimes)
A firm "cut it out" usually will end the situation, but you're never going to convince her you're in the right / not overreacting here,. It is up to you if you can live with that in a friend or not.
posted by ista at 6:07 PM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
She doesn't want the popcorn: she wants to get a rise out of you. She probably thinks she's being cute/flirty. Some people are just like this (your friend, my mom, me sometimes)
A firm "cut it out" usually will end the situation, but you're never going to convince her you're in the right / not overreacting here,. It is up to you if you can live with that in a friend or not.
posted by ista at 6:07 PM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I could see myself getting mad at a pal reaching into my 'corn. I'd probably yell "fuck off!" at them. Then I'd probably throw a handful of popcorn at them. Then I'd probably laugh about it afterwards (Source: I am a 30 year old twelve-year-old boy).
Also as a 30 year old, I could easily see any of the few 60+ women that I occasionally hang around with doing something exactly like what you described. The above still applies.
It's a pretty gross thing to do though, and I bet she knows now not to do it again. Good for you for saying something!
posted by wats at 7:51 PM on October 13, 2014
Also as a 30 year old, I could easily see any of the few 60+ women that I occasionally hang around with doing something exactly like what you described. The above still applies.
It's a pretty gross thing to do though, and I bet she knows now not to do it again. Good for you for saying something!
posted by wats at 7:51 PM on October 13, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by John Cohen at 7:28 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]