What do?
October 8, 2014 5:43 PM Subscribe
I tried to make friends, I thought I did. I room with the one I once considered the closest to me, and now I'm starting to regret it.
I'm a sophomore in college, and I've had an eating disorder for about four years now. It's a terrible combination of bulimia and anorexia and, despite my being better than I used to be, I'm still struggling.
I live in a dorm with three of my friends. It's suite-style, with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, and a living room. The roommate who lives in my room with me (let's call her *R*) is someone who I considered my closest girl friend - she always said she felt the same.
R's got issues of her own, mainly as a result of her parents. She's ultra-controlling, self-centered, hypocritical, self-righteous and very stubborn in her political and moral ideologies. Her family is also very, VERY affluent, despite her insisting her parents "never pay for anything." We go to GW, her parents pay her entire tuition out-of-pocket, has expensive everything and doesn't understand the value of a dollar, etc etc.
She likes to project her issues onto other people when necessary, and she likes to act like she knows waaaaay more than you. She doesn't like when you succeed or receive praise or have something good happen to you - she'll twist any and every conversation to revolve around her.
One day, I ate R's Cheez-Its. I was planning on buying more and replacing them, but I didn't ask her - I felt too guilty to ask. R realized the Cheez-Its were gone and, after a whole big dorm room conundrum where one of my other roommates/friends apparently ate all this girl's eggs, R immediately concluded the girl who'd eaten her eggs had also eaten the Cheez-Its.
I didn't tell her it was me. I made a mistake. I regretted eating the Cheez-Its, and I regretted (still regret) not owning up to that. But then R discovered this food-swiping roommate had been complaining about R's antics to one of her other friends. That was the final straw. R began terrorizing the poor girl by calling her a "fat f*cking cow" loudly so that the girl could hear it from the other room, freezing her out, and telling her "she didn't want to get on her bad side," and other shenanigans like that.
When it was discovered that I was the one who'd eaten them, R blamed me for making her treat the other roommate that way. "You told me it was her, you lead me to believe it was her, you let me talk about her this way." She told me she couldn't be friends with me anymore, accused me of being manipulative and playing games, and then told me "not to play dumb" or "use [my] eating disorder as an excuse," because she just didn't care.
"Do you even know how to be a HUMAN BEING?" she asked, at one point.
She then, with my other two roommates, forced me to call and tell my parents, who'd yet to completely know I had this issue. I did it.
This verbal attack on me/my telling my parents occurred Sunday at around 2 a.m.
She has not talked to me since. I left school to come home and see doctors on Tuesday morning, and she messaged my MOTHER on Facebook, asking what my schedule was for the week.
This is all very haphazardly written, without any real attention to diction or syntax, or even correct grammar. I'm upset. I made a mistake. I don't know what to do. I have to live with her at least until winter break, when I will hopefully be able to transfer to another school. Help?
I'm a sophomore in college, and I've had an eating disorder for about four years now. It's a terrible combination of bulimia and anorexia and, despite my being better than I used to be, I'm still struggling.
I live in a dorm with three of my friends. It's suite-style, with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, and a living room. The roommate who lives in my room with me (let's call her *R*) is someone who I considered my closest girl friend - she always said she felt the same.
R's got issues of her own, mainly as a result of her parents. She's ultra-controlling, self-centered, hypocritical, self-righteous and very stubborn in her political and moral ideologies. Her family is also very, VERY affluent, despite her insisting her parents "never pay for anything." We go to GW, her parents pay her entire tuition out-of-pocket, has expensive everything and doesn't understand the value of a dollar, etc etc.
She likes to project her issues onto other people when necessary, and she likes to act like she knows waaaaay more than you. She doesn't like when you succeed or receive praise or have something good happen to you - she'll twist any and every conversation to revolve around her.
One day, I ate R's Cheez-Its. I was planning on buying more and replacing them, but I didn't ask her - I felt too guilty to ask. R realized the Cheez-Its were gone and, after a whole big dorm room conundrum where one of my other roommates/friends apparently ate all this girl's eggs, R immediately concluded the girl who'd eaten her eggs had also eaten the Cheez-Its.
I didn't tell her it was me. I made a mistake. I regretted eating the Cheez-Its, and I regretted (still regret) not owning up to that. But then R discovered this food-swiping roommate had been complaining about R's antics to one of her other friends. That was the final straw. R began terrorizing the poor girl by calling her a "fat f*cking cow" loudly so that the girl could hear it from the other room, freezing her out, and telling her "she didn't want to get on her bad side," and other shenanigans like that.
When it was discovered that I was the one who'd eaten them, R blamed me for making her treat the other roommate that way. "You told me it was her, you lead me to believe it was her, you let me talk about her this way." She told me she couldn't be friends with me anymore, accused me of being manipulative and playing games, and then told me "not to play dumb" or "use [my] eating disorder as an excuse," because she just didn't care.
"Do you even know how to be a HUMAN BEING?" she asked, at one point.
She then, with my other two roommates, forced me to call and tell my parents, who'd yet to completely know I had this issue. I did it.
This verbal attack on me/my telling my parents occurred Sunday at around 2 a.m.
She has not talked to me since. I left school to come home and see doctors on Tuesday morning, and she messaged my MOTHER on Facebook, asking what my schedule was for the week.
This is all very haphazardly written, without any real attention to diction or syntax, or even correct grammar. I'm upset. I made a mistake. I don't know what to do. I have to live with her at least until winter break, when I will hopefully be able to transfer to another school. Help?
She's a nasty little toxic mess, and there's nothing you can do to make her better or make her like you or make her not be a drama-mongering ass.
It was Cheez-its. You wouldn't even talk to Hitler like that about cheese crackers.
How did she MAKE you call your mother? She's out of control.
How cooperative is your mother? Is she appalled by this girl's shit too? Have your mother message her back to cease contact with you and your family and that the Dean of Students will be involved going further.
(You don't have to actually go to the dean of students. But you could. Or you could just let her wait for the shoe to drop.)
Call the housing office and get moved. You made a mistake that's associated with a disability, and also out of fear because this girl has an anger management problem. She needs some guidance from someone not associated with you.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:51 PM on October 8, 2014 [21 favorites]
It was Cheez-its. You wouldn't even talk to Hitler like that about cheese crackers.
How did she MAKE you call your mother? She's out of control.
How cooperative is your mother? Is she appalled by this girl's shit too? Have your mother message her back to cease contact with you and your family and that the Dean of Students will be involved going further.
(You don't have to actually go to the dean of students. But you could. Or you could just let her wait for the shoe to drop.)
Call the housing office and get moved. You made a mistake that's associated with a disability, and also out of fear because this girl has an anger management problem. She needs some guidance from someone not associated with you.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:51 PM on October 8, 2014 [21 favorites]
You made a mistake in eating her food and not replacing it or telling her right away. A minor social mistake. Not a crime.
You are NOT responsible for her ensuing bad behaviour. Only small children and sociopaths try to play the "look what you made me do" card.
I agree with JannaK. Move.
posted by zadcat at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2014 [14 favorites]
You are NOT responsible for her ensuing bad behaviour. Only small children and sociopaths try to play the "look what you made me do" card.
I agree with JannaK. Move.
posted by zadcat at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2014 [14 favorites]
Definitely talk to your RA and see if you can get switched to another room. Breathe OP, you have a lot of drama going on and eating disorder or not, roommate situations can suck. R is wrong, you didn't make her treat that girl crappy, she's just placing the guilt on you. Replace the Cheezits if you can, but realize in the grand scheme of things, this is not that big a deal. Take care of yourself.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by lunastellasol at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Definately, call the housing office ASAP --- yes, it's the middle of the semester, but this person is verbally and emotionally ABUSIVE, and you need to get out now.
posted by easily confused at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
And a good rule of thumb going forward, especially before your early 30s: roommates should be a business arrangement, not a friendship. Don't room with your friends, it's too intimate.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:54 PM on October 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 5:54 PM on October 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
Echoing the advise above to get yourself out of this situation by talking to GW Housing. She sounds incredibly immature and unstable, and she probably need psychiatric intervention. You made a tiny mistake; she is wayyy overreacting and out of line.
As a GW alumna, I'm warning you now that this will be a slog. GW is, as you've probably already discovered, less than helpful to its students. You may need to get your parents involved. (I say this not to discourage you, but to prepare you. Get ready to really fight for yourself.) Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:01 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
As a GW alumna, I'm warning you now that this will be a slog. GW is, as you've probably already discovered, less than helpful to its students. You may need to get your parents involved. (I say this not to discourage you, but to prepare you. Get ready to really fight for yourself.) Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:01 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the answers, everyone. The funny thing is, I had an even WORSE rooming experience LAST year - I moved TWICE last year. I live with friends, but I get even more anxious with girls who I DON'T know. I'd almost rather live with a guy... actually, no, I'd DEFINITELY prefer that.
GW is a hassle in itself, and is one of the many reasons I'm applying to transfer. The bureaucracy, the collective campus mindset and personality, etc etc.
posted by ourt at 6:12 PM on October 8, 2014
GW is a hassle in itself, and is one of the many reasons I'm applying to transfer. The bureaucracy, the collective campus mindset and personality, etc etc.
posted by ourt at 6:12 PM on October 8, 2014
She sounds crazy. I do think it's a good thing that your parents are now aware of your eating disorder and that you are seeing doctors.
Focus on healing from your eating disorder. Finding a new place to live where you feel safer is will probably help.
posted by amaire at 6:22 PM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Focus on healing from your eating disorder. Finding a new place to live where you feel safer is will probably help.
posted by amaire at 6:22 PM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your roommate sounds like an asshole who has no sense of boundaries. I'd definitely try to just get out of there. In the future, don't be "friends" with your roommate. Treat them as a friendly acquaintance and don't eat their food or let your mom friend them on Facebook. Keep a safe line of respect and distance.
Everyone ends up with roommate issues and drama at some point in their lives. I wouldn't sweat it. Focus on getting better and developing healthy habits. If she wants to ignore you until you move out, it's whatever. It will be easier to not have her meddling in your life or verbally attacking you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:03 PM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Everyone ends up with roommate issues and drama at some point in their lives. I wouldn't sweat it. Focus on getting better and developing healthy habits. If she wants to ignore you until you move out, it's whatever. It will be easier to not have her meddling in your life or verbally attacking you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:03 PM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I had a lot of problems with issues like this (roommates, class/affluence, making friends, etc, not eating disorders in particular) when I attended an expensive liberal arts college that will not be named.
It all immediately stopped when I transferred to a more down to earth public school where I had more in common with the student body/fewer people like this I was forced to interact with.
This isn't to say I'm recommending you change schools. That would be an incredibly drastic solution to a problem I know you have the skills to solve in a more elegant way. I relate my experience because I think it's easy to get into relationships with people in college and feel trapped, like your current social dynamic reflects the totality of human experience, and there's no way out.
It is so totally possible for you to drop this girl and make new friends you actually have things in common with. I know it feels like I'm saying "oh don't worry just move to another planet it'll all be great," but seriously. I promise you that, somewhere at your school, there are people who would like you and who you wouldn't conflict with this much.
First suggestion: don't ever room with someone you consider your best friend. You will almost always see the worst side of anyone you room with -- especially if you share a bedroom -- and there's no reason to put that kind of stress on a close friendship.
Second suggestion: get out there and actively court new friendships with people you relate to a little better. Join an organization on campus that interests you. Start a study group for people in a class in your major (or some other class you enjoy/is relevant to your interests). Take a fun elective and work to cultivate friendships with others in the class. College is FULL of other people to meet and befriend. Even if you go to a small liberal arts school.
Third suggestion: is there some kind of support group for students dealing with eating disorders, or some other campus organization that deals with stuff relevant to that? For example a campus feminist group, a slam poetry club, some kind of arts organization? When I was in college there always seemed to be a Body Positive Photography Project, a production of the Vagina Monologues, some slam poetry, etc. or some spot on campus that dealt with these kinds of issues or was poised to do so if group members were into that.
posted by Sara C. at 7:20 PM on October 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
It all immediately stopped when I transferred to a more down to earth public school where I had more in common with the student body/fewer people like this I was forced to interact with.
This isn't to say I'm recommending you change schools. That would be an incredibly drastic solution to a problem I know you have the skills to solve in a more elegant way. I relate my experience because I think it's easy to get into relationships with people in college and feel trapped, like your current social dynamic reflects the totality of human experience, and there's no way out.
It is so totally possible for you to drop this girl and make new friends you actually have things in common with. I know it feels like I'm saying "oh don't worry just move to another planet it'll all be great," but seriously. I promise you that, somewhere at your school, there are people who would like you and who you wouldn't conflict with this much.
First suggestion: don't ever room with someone you consider your best friend. You will almost always see the worst side of anyone you room with -- especially if you share a bedroom -- and there's no reason to put that kind of stress on a close friendship.
Second suggestion: get out there and actively court new friendships with people you relate to a little better. Join an organization on campus that interests you. Start a study group for people in a class in your major (or some other class you enjoy/is relevant to your interests). Take a fun elective and work to cultivate friendships with others in the class. College is FULL of other people to meet and befriend. Even if you go to a small liberal arts school.
Third suggestion: is there some kind of support group for students dealing with eating disorders, or some other campus organization that deals with stuff relevant to that? For example a campus feminist group, a slam poetry club, some kind of arts organization? When I was in college there always seemed to be a Body Positive Photography Project, a production of the Vagina Monologues, some slam poetry, etc. or some spot on campus that dealt with these kinds of issues or was poised to do so if group members were into that.
posted by Sara C. at 7:20 PM on October 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Also, if I were you I would immediately get campus housing involved and see if some of the issues you're facing would potentially merit you a single room. "Girl with eating disorder who's had multiple clashes with other roommates previously" seems 100% tailored to that solution.
posted by Sara C. at 7:21 PM on October 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 7:21 PM on October 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
Also, I don't know if transferring to another school is necessary just because of this, unless you are generally unhappy all the way around. But in my experience, kids who go to Washington D.C. for school or internships are some of the douchiest, snobbiest, competitive people ever. I know this is painting with a broad brush, so I am not talking about anyone here, but in my experience when I lived in D.C., it seemed to attract a lot of people with very certain types of personalities -- and not in a good way. Like I said, I wouldn't transfer schools over this incident, but since you mentioned it anyway, I'd consider saving thousands of dollars and going to a state school where you are from.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:32 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:32 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
I agree with others' advice to get your own room, see counselors, and get involved in campus groups that you find interesting.
Also, if you want to be as assertive as possible in this situation and really push back hard against your roommate's nastiness, here's a plan to do that:
1. talk to a counselor about this situation when you talk about the eating disorder. Tell the counselor this is really bothering you and talk about it for about an hour. Get some emotional support from that counselor (in your hometown).
2. talk to a counselor at school, to get a 2nd person 100% on your side. Ask this counselor to help you get into a different dorm room at school.
3. message the roommate who your crazy roommate called a "fat cow": wish her well, say you're sorry that the drama happened, she's very good-looking, the crazy roommate is crazy and you want to be there for your nice roommate. Talk in person if you can. She will probably side with you.
4. Try to get the 3rd roommate on your side. She probably doesn't want to live near crazy either. Talk to her in person, with your other non-crazy roommate. She may or may not side with you.
5. Send your crazy roommate an email where you describe what you did (eating the cheez-its), describe what she did (verbal abuse and harassing you about an eating disorder), and ask her why she thought it was OK to force you to call your parents. She will probably reply with a crazy and nastily rude email. Don't reply. Instead, forward this email to your counselor at school so you have more evidence supporting your side of the story.
6. With the nice roommate(s), make an appointment to talk in person with an administrator who handles housing issues, and say that the 2 (possibly 3) of you need to move out because your roommate is abusive and her verbal harassment is preventing you from doing your schoolwork. They will probably tell you to try to make it work out with her, because they mean well but are kind of lazy and want to believe that everyone is nice. Don't compromise -- ask your counselor at school to contact that administrator, and follow up with the administrator once the counselor has told the administrator to get you a different dorm room. You and your other roommates deserve and need a living situation where no one is verbally abusive.
7. Do not compromise if/when the crazy roommate tries to apologize: you and your roommates need a living situation without her, and she needs a few months to grow up before you can see if she's worth knowing.
posted by sninctown at 8:59 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also, if you want to be as assertive as possible in this situation and really push back hard against your roommate's nastiness, here's a plan to do that:
1. talk to a counselor about this situation when you talk about the eating disorder. Tell the counselor this is really bothering you and talk about it for about an hour. Get some emotional support from that counselor (in your hometown).
2. talk to a counselor at school, to get a 2nd person 100% on your side. Ask this counselor to help you get into a different dorm room at school.
3. message the roommate who your crazy roommate called a "fat cow": wish her well, say you're sorry that the drama happened, she's very good-looking, the crazy roommate is crazy and you want to be there for your nice roommate. Talk in person if you can. She will probably side with you.
4. Try to get the 3rd roommate on your side. She probably doesn't want to live near crazy either. Talk to her in person, with your other non-crazy roommate. She may or may not side with you.
5. Send your crazy roommate an email where you describe what you did (eating the cheez-its), describe what she did (verbal abuse and harassing you about an eating disorder), and ask her why she thought it was OK to force you to call your parents. She will probably reply with a crazy and nastily rude email. Don't reply. Instead, forward this email to your counselor at school so you have more evidence supporting your side of the story.
6. With the nice roommate(s), make an appointment to talk in person with an administrator who handles housing issues, and say that the 2 (possibly 3) of you need to move out because your roommate is abusive and her verbal harassment is preventing you from doing your schoolwork. They will probably tell you to try to make it work out with her, because they mean well but are kind of lazy and want to believe that everyone is nice. Don't compromise -- ask your counselor at school to contact that administrator, and follow up with the administrator once the counselor has told the administrator to get you a different dorm room. You and your other roommates deserve and need a living situation where no one is verbally abusive.
7. Do not compromise if/when the crazy roommate tries to apologize: you and your roommates need a living situation without her, and she needs a few months to grow up before you can see if she's worth knowing.
posted by sninctown at 8:59 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Ignore the psycho (as in literally pretend that she doesn't even exist) until you change schools is what I'd do, the whole scenario sounds like a life-wasting drama.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:10 PM on October 8, 2014
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:10 PM on October 8, 2014
Others have touched on this here, but just in case your perspective is a little skewed right now, I just wanted to say this: Yes, eating your roommates food without asking is (mildly) wrong, but that's one of those things that roommates sometimes do. The other roommate ate the eggs and it wasn't the end of the world. It happens. Her reaction, both to the other roommate and to you, was completely out of line. Normal people do not scream at others about some cheez-its. Normal people do not call other people "fat fucking cows," and normal people with any shred of decency do not antagonize people about their mental illnesses or make grown adults call their parents to disclose private medical issues. (that being said, I am glad that your parents now know (assuming they are the kind of parents who will support you), so at least there's that...)
Oh! And I just reread that all of this went down at 2am. That's ridiculous. Discussions (which should be discussions, not screaming, insulting, and berating) about roommate stuff should happen when everyone is calm and has the time and energy to participate in the discussion.
Even if she weren't claiming to be your friend, you just don't treat people like that, especially over something as trivial as some fricking cheez-its. This is a toxic living situation, and while your eating the cheez-its may have started the whole thing, none of the rest of it is your fault, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Sometimes people just suck.
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:46 PM on October 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
Oh! And I just reread that all of this went down at 2am. That's ridiculous. Discussions (which should be discussions, not screaming, insulting, and berating) about roommate stuff should happen when everyone is calm and has the time and energy to participate in the discussion.
Even if she weren't claiming to be your friend, you just don't treat people like that, especially over something as trivial as some fricking cheez-its. This is a toxic living situation, and while your eating the cheez-its may have started the whole thing, none of the rest of it is your fault, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Sometimes people just suck.
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:46 PM on October 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
On a 1-10 scale of social wrongness, you eating your roommate's cheez-its is like a 2.
Her forcing you to call your parents at 2am to divulge an eating disorder and asking if you even knew how to be a human being is easily a 9.
Get the heck out of there, ASAP.
posted by zug at 9:56 PM on October 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
Her forcing you to call your parents at 2am to divulge an eating disorder and asking if you even knew how to be a human being is easily a 9.
Get the heck out of there, ASAP.
posted by zug at 9:56 PM on October 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
I disagree with Zug.
On a scale of 1 to 10, eating the CheezIts was a 1.5
(c'mon - CHEEZITS!!)
Not sticking up for the other roommate when you knew she was being bullied and somewhat falsely accused is a 9.
Verbally harrassing roommates and abusive rants, making you call your parents to confess at 2:00 am? That's a fcking 50. At least.
Did she stop you from leaving at any point during her tirade? Because I'm pretty sure that is a criminal offense.
Either way, this is Domestic Abuse.
I recommend you not take this on board, except the part where you did not (a) stick up for your roommate and cop to the truth, and. (b) leave the dorm the minute she started ranting and report her ass to housing police and your RA - in that order.
Promise me you will never ever listen to someone degrade you like that ever again. My mom used to go on rants like that. She has Boderline Personality Disorder. I haven't spoken to her in 20 years. When I was about 19 yrs old, she tried to kill me.
Promise me you know now you can ALWAYS walk away. Be safe, but walk away. OK?
Best.
posted by jbenben at 10:11 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
On a scale of 1 to 10, eating the CheezIts was a 1.5
(c'mon - CHEEZITS!!)
Not sticking up for the other roommate when you knew she was being bullied and somewhat falsely accused is a 9.
Verbally harrassing roommates and abusive rants, making you call your parents to confess at 2:00 am? That's a fcking 50. At least.
Did she stop you from leaving at any point during her tirade? Because I'm pretty sure that is a criminal offense.
Either way, this is Domestic Abuse.
I recommend you not take this on board, except the part where you did not (a) stick up for your roommate and cop to the truth, and. (b) leave the dorm the minute she started ranting and report her ass to housing police and your RA - in that order.
Promise me you will never ever listen to someone degrade you like that ever again. My mom used to go on rants like that. She has Boderline Personality Disorder. I haven't spoken to her in 20 years. When I was about 19 yrs old, she tried to kill me.
Promise me you know now you can ALWAYS walk away. Be safe, but walk away. OK?
Best.
posted by jbenben at 10:11 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to clarify, guys, she *was* a pretty decently close friend. She let me sleep on her floor numerous nights last year and we spent many nights coping, but at the same time, it was hit and miss with her attitude toward me even before this whole issue.
That being said, she messaged my mom both while I was on the phone TALKING to my mom about the situation Sunday at 2 a.m., as well as later in that day, AND on Tuesday, when I'd traveled back home for the week to be with family and see doctors and specialists. She asked what the "course of action is for the week," and after my mother asked her if she'd spoken with me, *R* said, "No I haven't, why?"
I'm obviously done with the whole situation. There's not much I can do until I transfer, which was an idea I was about 85% sure about up until this happened. Now I'm 110% ready to leave.
If any of you are or know someone planning to attend GW, please tell them it's an awful, awful place for anyone who isn't up for stomaching cult-like frat/"srat" culture and excessive politician-wannabe douche-baggery 24/7.
posted by ourt at 10:32 PM on October 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
That being said, she messaged my mom both while I was on the phone TALKING to my mom about the situation Sunday at 2 a.m., as well as later in that day, AND on Tuesday, when I'd traveled back home for the week to be with family and see doctors and specialists. She asked what the "course of action is for the week," and after my mother asked her if she'd spoken with me, *R* said, "No I haven't, why?"
I'm obviously done with the whole situation. There's not much I can do until I transfer, which was an idea I was about 85% sure about up until this happened. Now I'm 110% ready to leave.
If any of you are or know someone planning to attend GW, please tell them it's an awful, awful place for anyone who isn't up for stomaching cult-like frat/"srat" culture and excessive politician-wannabe douche-baggery 24/7.
posted by ourt at 10:32 PM on October 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
If your mother could save the text messages and any other communications with her, that would be good evidence to present to the school about just how toxic this person is. Many hugs. Document everything. This girl is abusive.
posted by SillyShepherd at 11:34 PM on October 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by SillyShepherd at 11:34 PM on October 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
One thing that I’m not sure has been addressed is that you seem very passive in your role in this drama. To be sure, your roommate sounds nuts. You should get out as soon as you can, and while you’re still there, don’t engage! Her need for drama and control is not your fault, and you do not have to stick around to be subjected to her bad behavior.
However, you are responsible for your own actions. Don’t take stuff that belongs to someone else. If you do, own up to it. Definitely don’t let someone else take the blame for something you did. Finally, unless the situation was much more serious than I realize, no one can “force” you to call your mom. What I’m trying to say is, own your part in this drama, and try not to do the things you did to escalate it. Taking responsibility for myself makes me feel better, every time.
I think what you’re saying is that you only owned up to eating the Cheez Its (Cheez Its! All this over crackers!) after you were outed as doing so, not because you volunteered that information. That isn’t cool. And I don’t actually see where you made amends to that roommate. If I were you, I would apologize to the falsely-accused roommate. That might make you feel a little better about this mess.
Good luck. I hope you find a better living situation soon!
posted by lyssabee at 6:04 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
However, you are responsible for your own actions. Don’t take stuff that belongs to someone else. If you do, own up to it. Definitely don’t let someone else take the blame for something you did. Finally, unless the situation was much more serious than I realize, no one can “force” you to call your mom. What I’m trying to say is, own your part in this drama, and try not to do the things you did to escalate it. Taking responsibility for myself makes me feel better, every time.
I think what you’re saying is that you only owned up to eating the Cheez Its (Cheez Its! All this over crackers!) after you were outed as doing so, not because you volunteered that information. That isn’t cool. And I don’t actually see where you made amends to that roommate. If I were you, I would apologize to the falsely-accused roommate. That might make you feel a little better about this mess.
Good luck. I hope you find a better living situation soon!
posted by lyssabee at 6:04 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I owe a lot more clarifications to the subject than I've given, that's for sure.
I DID apologize. I replaced the Cheez-Its before I even owned up to it, and I felt awful about it. I STILL feel awful about it. I apologized to the other roommate/friend, with whom I'm currently in the process of making amends.
There was a culture of eating each other's food without asking long before this incident, and it was 100% fine with any and every roommate, so long as the food was replaced in a timely manner.
I had asked we all sit down to discuss and lay out written roommate agreement, just to clarify what's good to do and what isn't.
The thing is, with an issue like an eating disorder, owning up to eating food is easier said than done. It solidifies and confirms that you ate something you normally wouldn't deign of doing in front of anyone who knows you have an issue.
I'm not saying that's an excuse, because it's not. I fucked up, and it's been the focal point of my thoughts for over two weeks now, especially the past four days.
I wasn't "forced," in the literal sense of the word. But I was given a choice of, "Call your parents, or I will tell them," and I made the judgment call of calling them myself.
I wanted to tell them on my own terms, in my own way, at a time that wasn't 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning after having just been torn a new asshole after eating Cheez-Its and being an awful, shitty friend and human being.
Needless to say, I've been passive because I'm scared shitless and I'm severely displeased with myself; I'm too busy kind of raining on my own parade right now to think straight, and I have been for a while.
So yeah, I feel awful as shit, and I know I'm the one to blame most here.
posted by ourt at 6:13 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I DID apologize. I replaced the Cheez-Its before I even owned up to it, and I felt awful about it. I STILL feel awful about it. I apologized to the other roommate/friend, with whom I'm currently in the process of making amends.
There was a culture of eating each other's food without asking long before this incident, and it was 100% fine with any and every roommate, so long as the food was replaced in a timely manner.
I had asked we all sit down to discuss and lay out written roommate agreement, just to clarify what's good to do and what isn't.
The thing is, with an issue like an eating disorder, owning up to eating food is easier said than done. It solidifies and confirms that you ate something you normally wouldn't deign of doing in front of anyone who knows you have an issue.
I'm not saying that's an excuse, because it's not. I fucked up, and it's been the focal point of my thoughts for over two weeks now, especially the past four days.
I wasn't "forced," in the literal sense of the word. But I was given a choice of, "Call your parents, or I will tell them," and I made the judgment call of calling them myself.
I wanted to tell them on my own terms, in my own way, at a time that wasn't 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning after having just been torn a new asshole after eating Cheez-Its and being an awful, shitty friend and human being.
Needless to say, I've been passive because I'm scared shitless and I'm severely displeased with myself; I'm too busy kind of raining on my own parade right now to think straight, and I have been for a while.
So yeah, I feel awful as shit, and I know I'm the one to blame most here.
posted by ourt at 6:13 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I really don't think you're the one most to blame. Your friend who went on the witch hunt is the most to blame. Yes, you should have 'fessed up from the start, but having an eating disorder really screws with your head, and although it's not an excuse, I can certainly understand why you may have been too embarrassed/ashamed to want to admit to it. Even though I've been in "recovery" now for several years from my eating disorder, I still carry a lot of shame around eating, and I'm very sensitive to any comments or attention being brought to my eating habits.
I recognize that you might be unwilling or unable to do this for a variety of reasons, but I think you might want to consider taking a leave of absence from school. It sounds like you're really unhappy at your GW, and maybe you would benefit from focusing on getting help for your eating disorder this year so that you can get a fresh start at a new school next fall. Eating disorders can take such a huge toll on your physical and mental well being, and your top priority really needs to be getting better.
The last thing I will say is try not to beat yourself up about this. Yes, you made a mistake, but in the scheme of thing, it was very minor. You're not responsible for your friend's completely unreasonable, toxic behavior.
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:28 AM on October 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I recognize that you might be unwilling or unable to do this for a variety of reasons, but I think you might want to consider taking a leave of absence from school. It sounds like you're really unhappy at your GW, and maybe you would benefit from focusing on getting help for your eating disorder this year so that you can get a fresh start at a new school next fall. Eating disorders can take such a huge toll on your physical and mental well being, and your top priority really needs to be getting better.
The last thing I will say is try not to beat yourself up about this. Yes, you made a mistake, but in the scheme of thing, it was very minor. You're not responsible for your friend's completely unreasonable, toxic behavior.
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:28 AM on October 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
One lesson to learn for future roommate situations is to insist on that roommate agreement at the very beginning. It's absolutely vital that there is a common understanding about food sharing, bill sharing, overnight guests, parties, tv watching, noise, chores, etc...
The more you spell out directly at the start of a new living situation, the less likely you are to run into conflict ahead of time.
I think we all learn this lesson the hard way, through unpleasant conflicts.
Brooke
posted by brookeb at 8:16 AM on October 9, 2014
The more you spell out directly at the start of a new living situation, the less likely you are to run into conflict ahead of time.
I think we all learn this lesson the hard way, through unpleasant conflicts.
Brooke
posted by brookeb at 8:16 AM on October 9, 2014
Poor thing.
Your roommate is a terrible, horrible human-being and you should not return to room with her.
Call GW housing, tell them its an emergency and make them earn their keep.
See about transferring in January.
It's over, it's done. Forgive yourself. You had a moment where you did something out of character and mostly because your brain doesn't work quite right about food issues.
If you REALLY want to move forward with this, forgive your roommate. Clearly she has issues too, and she's a real shitheel. But, you can forgive her for being a dramatic, unempathetic, nasty piece of work. She's just not ready to be a mench yet. You can forgive her, and still resolve not to deal with her ever again in life.
You can say, "Ceclia, I forgive you for overreacting to the situation last week. I forgive you for forcing me to divulge private health information to my parents. I forgive you for yelling at me and berating me and for throwing my mental illness in my face. I do not want to harbor bad feelings of you, because I do not want to have any feelings about you at all. I will not let you rent space in my head for free. I forgive you, not because I want you to feel better, I forgive you because I want to feel better. I deserve better treatment from my friends and so I will find better friends who will treat me with kindness and consideration."
You may not want to say this to her, but say it to yourself, over and over until you are living it.
Hang in there. Eating disorders SUCK! But you can learn to live with yourself and be at peace, and that's as good as it gets.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:38 AM on October 9, 2014
Your roommate is a terrible, horrible human-being and you should not return to room with her.
Call GW housing, tell them its an emergency and make them earn their keep.
See about transferring in January.
It's over, it's done. Forgive yourself. You had a moment where you did something out of character and mostly because your brain doesn't work quite right about food issues.
If you REALLY want to move forward with this, forgive your roommate. Clearly she has issues too, and she's a real shitheel. But, you can forgive her for being a dramatic, unempathetic, nasty piece of work. She's just not ready to be a mench yet. You can forgive her, and still resolve not to deal with her ever again in life.
You can say, "Ceclia, I forgive you for overreacting to the situation last week. I forgive you for forcing me to divulge private health information to my parents. I forgive you for yelling at me and berating me and for throwing my mental illness in my face. I do not want to harbor bad feelings of you, because I do not want to have any feelings about you at all. I will not let you rent space in my head for free. I forgive you, not because I want you to feel better, I forgive you because I want to feel better. I deserve better treatment from my friends and so I will find better friends who will treat me with kindness and consideration."
You may not want to say this to her, but say it to yourself, over and over until you are living it.
Hang in there. Eating disorders SUCK! But you can learn to live with yourself and be at peace, and that's as good as it gets.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:38 AM on October 9, 2014
Upon your last update -- that must be delusion talking, hon. I say this very kindly.
Let's get some perspective, shall we?
It's a box of Cheez Its. Not the contents of the entire refrigerator.
You didn't steal jewelry or sleep with someone's boyfriend - you ate (an already opened?) box of crackers that belonged to a roommate.
What you describe is hiding the truth because someone in your home was a bullying asshole. You lied because your roommate was scary, because she was going to turn on you and make your life miserable the way she had picked on others and made them miserable pariahs.
You might have additional reasons for what you did (eating disorder?) but trust me, the bulk of it was that you were walking on eggshells dealing with a flip out roommate.
The only "dumb" thing you did was choosing to eat Flip Out Girl's crackers when you knew she was a flip out type person. You pretended she was normal when clearly, she's not.
(I have compassion for the Flip Out Roomie, because she's obviously in pain and mentally ill, btw. I'm just drawing a firm distinction here.)
I know you feel badly for not coming forward when your mentally ill roommate started going on a tirade and making the other roommate into a pariah in the shared home.
OTOH, you are not a mental health professional, you don't have training on how to talk someone like her down when they're having an abusive episode. Y'know what I mean?
I have a tendency to speak up on behalf of others when they need back-up, but that's scary and not everyone can do that. I've burned bridges and gotten into trouble, too, because of this tendency. It's taken a lot to learn when to speak out about injustice, and when to show discretion.
Like I said, your roommate was having an abusive episode and you are not a mental health professional.
I hope next time you might immediately call someone out for going nuclear over a couple of eggs, but I can see how in the face of escalating mental illness and emotional violence, you all kept silent. Because that is precisely the dynamic inside of abusive families and households, etc..
-----
I hope you find the right therapist to give you further clarity on all of this, someone who will explain the situation to you in detail through the (hopefully) mighty filter of Trained Mental Health Professional.
Seek to develop some skills so you can cope better if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. You don't want to ever stand by while another is bullied, you don't want to be subjected to bullying, either.
But no, I think you can stop beating yourself up over this ENTIRE episode.
Anyway, it sounds like you're going to get help for some issues and you're eventually off to a new school and new adventures.
Beyond apologizing and acknowledging how hard it was in the moment to stand up to the other roommate during her flip out, I'm not sure how much amends you owe the egg stealing roommate. Surely she isn't blaming you over Flip Out Roomie - right?
If she is blaming you, well, that's just because she's inside the dysfunctional dynamic of your suite, and it is easier to blame you rather than the mentally ill abuser in the next bedroom.
I hope this gave you some relief.
posted by jbenben at 8:50 AM on October 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Let's get some perspective, shall we?
It's a box of Cheez Its. Not the contents of the entire refrigerator.
You didn't steal jewelry or sleep with someone's boyfriend - you ate (an already opened?) box of crackers that belonged to a roommate.
What you describe is hiding the truth because someone in your home was a bullying asshole. You lied because your roommate was scary, because she was going to turn on you and make your life miserable the way she had picked on others and made them miserable pariahs.
You might have additional reasons for what you did (eating disorder?) but trust me, the bulk of it was that you were walking on eggshells dealing with a flip out roommate.
The only "dumb" thing you did was choosing to eat Flip Out Girl's crackers when you knew she was a flip out type person. You pretended she was normal when clearly, she's not.
(I have compassion for the Flip Out Roomie, because she's obviously in pain and mentally ill, btw. I'm just drawing a firm distinction here.)
I know you feel badly for not coming forward when your mentally ill roommate started going on a tirade and making the other roommate into a pariah in the shared home.
OTOH, you are not a mental health professional, you don't have training on how to talk someone like her down when they're having an abusive episode. Y'know what I mean?
I have a tendency to speak up on behalf of others when they need back-up, but that's scary and not everyone can do that. I've burned bridges and gotten into trouble, too, because of this tendency. It's taken a lot to learn when to speak out about injustice, and when to show discretion.
Like I said, your roommate was having an abusive episode and you are not a mental health professional.
I hope next time you might immediately call someone out for going nuclear over a couple of eggs, but I can see how in the face of escalating mental illness and emotional violence, you all kept silent. Because that is precisely the dynamic inside of abusive families and households, etc..
-----
I hope you find the right therapist to give you further clarity on all of this, someone who will explain the situation to you in detail through the (hopefully) mighty filter of Trained Mental Health Professional.
Seek to develop some skills so you can cope better if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. You don't want to ever stand by while another is bullied, you don't want to be subjected to bullying, either.
But no, I think you can stop beating yourself up over this ENTIRE episode.
Anyway, it sounds like you're going to get help for some issues and you're eventually off to a new school and new adventures.
Beyond apologizing and acknowledging how hard it was in the moment to stand up to the other roommate during her flip out, I'm not sure how much amends you owe the egg stealing roommate. Surely she isn't blaming you over Flip Out Roomie - right?
If she is blaming you, well, that's just because she's inside the dysfunctional dynamic of your suite, and it is easier to blame you rather than the mentally ill abuser in the next bedroom.
I hope this gave you some relief.
posted by jbenben at 8:50 AM on October 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Whoops.
I don't mean above that you should get involved with escalating drama or violence!!
"Sally, stop calling Jill a fat cow."
Then, y'know, find other roommates and friends.
Once it is OK to publicly humiliate each other, that living situation is permanently broken.
Sorry for the long winded comment above.
Please, stop beating yourself up over this thing that happened.
posted by jbenben at 9:17 AM on October 9, 2014
I don't mean above that you should get involved with escalating drama or violence!!
"Sally, stop calling Jill a fat cow."
Then, y'know, find other roommates and friends.
Once it is OK to publicly humiliate each other, that living situation is permanently broken.
Sorry for the long winded comment above.
Please, stop beating yourself up over this thing that happened.
posted by jbenben at 9:17 AM on October 9, 2014
This is a very toxic situation for you and you absolutely do need to get out. Is your mother still talking to this girl? You need a united front - stop engaging her. All this drama over crackers and whether or not your other roommate is a fat cow is incredibly damaging for you while you are trying to recover from ED. Please don't engage her anymore, and stop feeling bad about your small transgression. You will need to work hard to see this for what it is: your ex friend is power tripping and abusing you and your other roommate.
If you can get moved and never have to be in the same room with her again, you should do that. If you're stuck having to be around her for a bit longer, engage only in totally objective, conversation-ending ways. Tell her you don't want to talk about it. Be a broken record if you have to.
I intend to eat some cheez-its right now in solidarity. Get away from this monstrous person ASAP.
posted by pazazygeek at 9:55 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you can get moved and never have to be in the same room with her again, you should do that. If you're stuck having to be around her for a bit longer, engage only in totally objective, conversation-ending ways. Tell her you don't want to talk about it. Be a broken record if you have to.
I intend to eat some cheez-its right now in solidarity. Get away from this monstrous person ASAP.
posted by pazazygeek at 9:55 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I had a terrible, psychologically abusive friend once who did...well...a whole series of bad yucky things to me and claimed that my failings as a friend and person were what caused her to act that way. Because I was young (early 20s) it took me a long time to see her behavior for what it was. When she wasn't acting horribly she was a rather nice person with whom I could have long conversations and fun dinners. Once she finally did something to me I could not forgive (which took me weeks to process, during which I leaned on my parents who were very supportive), I cut off contact.
Fast-forward 10 months and she sends my parents a Christmas card, in which she says something to the effect of, "I hope we can be friends going forward", not mentioning me at all. She had met my mom once. ONCE.
My mom came storming into the room when she read this card (I happened to be visiting for the afternoon), in complete incredulity at the woman's gall in sending a card like this. She was MAD--and not much makes my mom truly mad. "To imagine that I would be civil to someone who treated my daughter this way? Did she never have a mother? What is she THINKING?"
It struck me that part of being a parent is that you take your children's side when they are in pain, no matter the backstory, no matter whether part of the pain is their own fault. You don't mention whether your parents have had your back in this situation; I imagine they couldn't help but be a little freaked out at the 2am call, but I hope you have been able to count on them during this time to back you in any argument, listen to you when you have to vent, and help you get resources to help your situation. If that is the case, your mom needs to un-friend R NOW if not earlier, and both parents need to ignore any and all attempts on her part to contact them. No being polite, no trying to accomodate her needs, no listening to what she has to say. She has treated you (and others) horribly and your parents should not be giving her ANYTHING, including their attention. They should try to keep records of any communication from her (as others have already suggested) and otherwise, be there for you and help you improve your situation.
If your parents have tried to deal gently with her...well, some people are too nice, I think. It is absolutely okay to express your needs to your folks, and if you need Mom to un-friend R and she hasn't yet done this, I would recommend you ask her to do this.
At the end of the day you have been badly treated by someone who has a LOT of growing up to do (and possibly a mental health diagnosis in her future). Good luck in getting successful separation from this person ASAP!
posted by gillyflower at 1:33 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Fast-forward 10 months and she sends my parents a Christmas card, in which she says something to the effect of, "I hope we can be friends going forward", not mentioning me at all. She had met my mom once. ONCE.
My mom came storming into the room when she read this card (I happened to be visiting for the afternoon), in complete incredulity at the woman's gall in sending a card like this. She was MAD--and not much makes my mom truly mad. "To imagine that I would be civil to someone who treated my daughter this way? Did she never have a mother? What is she THINKING?"
It struck me that part of being a parent is that you take your children's side when they are in pain, no matter the backstory, no matter whether part of the pain is their own fault. You don't mention whether your parents have had your back in this situation; I imagine they couldn't help but be a little freaked out at the 2am call, but I hope you have been able to count on them during this time to back you in any argument, listen to you when you have to vent, and help you get resources to help your situation. If that is the case, your mom needs to un-friend R NOW if not earlier, and both parents need to ignore any and all attempts on her part to contact them. No being polite, no trying to accomodate her needs, no listening to what she has to say. She has treated you (and others) horribly and your parents should not be giving her ANYTHING, including their attention. They should try to keep records of any communication from her (as others have already suggested) and otherwise, be there for you and help you improve your situation.
If your parents have tried to deal gently with her...well, some people are too nice, I think. It is absolutely okay to express your needs to your folks, and if you need Mom to un-friend R and she hasn't yet done this, I would recommend you ask her to do this.
At the end of the day you have been badly treated by someone who has a LOT of growing up to do (and possibly a mental health diagnosis in her future). Good luck in getting successful separation from this person ASAP!
posted by gillyflower at 1:33 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Update:
I went to a psychotherapist recommended by NEDA today.
She told me I was an ethical liability and, in a fit of weird incredulity and scrutiny, went, "Do you even WANT help? You're so underweight." She then told me I was 10 lbs. underweight (I weigh 100-105lbs. on any given day) for my height (5'3.5"), and that I needed to go to inpatient and get up to 110lbs. at least - that's her minimum - before seeing me.
She then had me call my mom into the room, and she told my mom, "Somebody fucked up" by not intervening sooner, because I could "stroke out."
So that's, yeah. Thanks for all your support, guys. Really.
posted by ourt at 4:20 PM on October 9, 2014
I went to a psychotherapist recommended by NEDA today.
She told me I was an ethical liability and, in a fit of weird incredulity and scrutiny, went, "Do you even WANT help? You're so underweight." She then told me I was 10 lbs. underweight (I weigh 100-105lbs. on any given day) for my height (5'3.5"), and that I needed to go to inpatient and get up to 110lbs. at least - that's her minimum - before seeing me.
She then had me call my mom into the room, and she told my mom, "Somebody fucked up" by not intervening sooner, because I could "stroke out."
So that's, yeah. Thanks for all your support, guys. Really.
posted by ourt at 4:20 PM on October 9, 2014
I am so sorry you were treated like that. When you get a chance you might drop a note to NEDA.
There are people who want to help you and not be unprofessional shitfaces to you, I promise.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:48 PM on October 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
There are people who want to help you and not be unprofessional shitfaces to you, I promise.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:48 PM on October 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Ugh, fuck that lady. What an awful way to treat somebody who is trying to get help.
It's incredibly frustrating, but keep trying - you WILL find somebody out there who can help you.
posted by zug at 4:58 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's incredibly frustrating, but keep trying - you WILL find somebody out there who can help you.
posted by zug at 4:58 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
ourt, I see you live in DC. If so please consider giving the Johns Hopkins Eating Disorder Program a call. They have outpatient and day programs.
Rooting for you here.
posted by spitbull at 4:10 PM on October 28, 2014
Rooting for you here.
posted by spitbull at 4:10 PM on October 28, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by JannaK at 5:48 PM on October 8, 2014 [23 favorites]