I've been bottling my feelings up, and it's about to burst.
October 5, 2014 9:46 PM Subscribe
I'm in a weird friendship situation with two friends of mine (partnered), and after a combination of odd events and miscommunications, I'm not sure what to make out of it. Snowflake details inside.
So, I'm not sure where to start. All I know is, right now, I just feel underappreciated and confused about this friendship.
I have two good friends of mine - Amber and Diana. I've written about them here before, a few times, so if you're interested, you can look at my posting history. Since the last time I wrote about them, things has been going pretty well between us. We spent a lot of time together, doing things over the summer and up to recently together. I was invited to their friend's birthday bash on a cruise, which was pretty fun in itself. That part of our friendship has been going well.
However, I'm feeling burnt out and drained in some way. Amber constantly asks me for help with editing her Instagram posts (grammar), and with technology-related help. I don't mind helping every now and then, but sometimes I feel like all they see in me is someone who is helping them. They've got alot of problems in their life to deal with, and I helped them try and call their electric company to negotiate a bill, due to some kind of mess up with their bill and combining with another company. I helped Diana call AT&T because her bill was too high. That kind of thing, and many more (helping Amber organize her pictures, as she has over 90,000 pictures - I'm OCD with organization) I really don't mind helping every now and then, but sometimes it's a bit draining.
Recently, we had a cruise for a friend, as I mentioned. Diana and Amber were the main planners of this cruise, but I also helped contribute a lot by straightening a messup on the event website, calling to reschedule a restaurant reservation, coordinating communication on the FB group, and so forth. The actual cruise and event went very well. The birthday boy (not Amber or Diana)'s girlfriend posted a picture on Instagram thanking Diana and Amber for their help planning. I felt hurt that I wasn't included in the thanks, as I really did help a lot with the cruise planning, too, and decided to tell Amber as such, and her response was "ahh ok problem solved" by adding a comment saying "also (thanks) to [dubious_dude]." That did solve the problem, in a way, but, still, why didn't they think of me in the first place? (This isn't Amber/Diana's fault, and not within their control, but I do wish maybe Amber was a bit more emphatic about it.) Also, Amber posted three pictures on Instagram, all three pictures being individual pictures of her and the birthday girl, birthday boy's girlfriend, and Amber's own girlfriend. All her close friends. Well, except me. Amber didn't post a picture of us on Instagram. Yeah, I know, this seems petty and silly, but it really hurt my feelings, because... the other people who joined our party wasn't close to Amber, so it wasn't a surprise that Amber didn't include them in her "selfies" on Instagram, but... hello? How about me? Of course, I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to sound ridiculous or needy, or demanding, or overreacting. That is not my intention. Also, Amber's co-worker died recently, and I didn't want to make her grief any harder (they had only a 'surface' relationship, but still). Amber texted me asking me if I could help with her 'dedication' on Instagram to her co-worker. Again, looking to ME for help.
I'm at fault as well for enabling this. I'm too soft-hearted, and I don't want to lose their friendship. The things making this situation harder on me is:
a) I'm lonely where I am. It's hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes, I'm not the best in big social situations, and I often don't know what to say (hold a conversation).
b) I'm Deaf. Not an excuse, per se, but it's hard to communicate with hearing people; hence, hard to make new friends. This narrows my window of options for new friendships considerably. This is not something you may understand, though.
c) I'm shy and have mild social anxiety.
For the specific friendship with Amber/Diana, I'm also at fault because I have a soft spot in my heart for Amber, for some reason. I don't know, she's so fun to be with (when it's not all about help), and she can be incredibly understanding and has a great heart. I've known her for 10 years now, and I've seen an amazing side to her, but I've also seen her ugly side, too. If that makes any sense. This is based on our history (referenced in other posts I made in the past). I am also sometimes too nice, too quick to say yes. I often send her links to websites with tips to help her with her dogs, or give her leftover food/Starbucks, etc. The thing is, it's hard for me to say no - and I'm scared if I say no, there may be consequences. (this applies to all friends, not just Amber/Diana) In a weird way, I just feel 'stuck' with Amber/Diana - it's like two-sided. I love our friendship, value it madly, but on the other hand, I just feel a bit... trapped. If that makes sense.
Also, yesterday, before the pirate cruise, Diana was very stressed and aggravated. Amber asked me to text her on her iPhone for her while driving (Diana was at home getting ready)... Diana was mad because I had left with Amber to pick a friend up, and said (to Amber, via text) "omg, (dubious_dude) is following you like a dog! I don't want to be alone and do this alone" This really struck me because I thought Diana liked me, and I did ask Diana if she needed help, but she brushed me off; I also felt it was best to leave Diana alone as she was apparently in a very bad mood. To her credit, Amber DID straighten things out with Diana, and Diana apologized to me, explaining it wasn't me, but that she was just stressed and in a very bad mood. It's still kind of bugging me, though.
To both of their credit, it's not like they're completely taking advantage of me. They did make me dinner a few times, invited me to things they do, and generally have shown that they do care about me. After the cruise last night, Amber wrote a surprise note on my iPhone saying she does cherish my friendship, which really meant a lot to me.
It's just, at this moment, the whole Instagram thing was the last straw. I don't know WHY (as Instagram is just social media), but it really hurt me at the core that Amber included three of her close friends/significant other, but didn't include me. Obviously, not all pictures can be shared on IG, and that's fine, but I just felt very left out and forgotten (especially compounded with the other friend not including me in her thanks), if that makes sense. I'm trying to make sense of my feelings... which are muddled (as I'm sure this post is), but I just don't know. I feel like our friendship has been stuck in some kind of 'loop' based on my (shared) history with them. I also feel stuck, with hurt and even a bit of anger, bubbling up, but I feel like there's nobody to turn to or to really share it with them, as I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm also afraid my feelings are wrong, that I'm just completely overreacting, but I don't know. I also feel like I keep having to repeatedly explain things to them, that I'm always "saving" them in a way. It seems like it's always inconvenient or the wrong time to talk to them, as it seems like some kind of crisis keeps popping up, but maybe that's just me. At the same time, I really value the friendship. I just don't know.
Any friendship advice or insights on how to navigate this and make the friendship better/myself happier would be appreciated. Sorry if this was kind of a mess/unclear.
So, I'm not sure where to start. All I know is, right now, I just feel underappreciated and confused about this friendship.
I have two good friends of mine - Amber and Diana. I've written about them here before, a few times, so if you're interested, you can look at my posting history. Since the last time I wrote about them, things has been going pretty well between us. We spent a lot of time together, doing things over the summer and up to recently together. I was invited to their friend's birthday bash on a cruise, which was pretty fun in itself. That part of our friendship has been going well.
However, I'm feeling burnt out and drained in some way. Amber constantly asks me for help with editing her Instagram posts (grammar), and with technology-related help. I don't mind helping every now and then, but sometimes I feel like all they see in me is someone who is helping them. They've got alot of problems in their life to deal with, and I helped them try and call their electric company to negotiate a bill, due to some kind of mess up with their bill and combining with another company. I helped Diana call AT&T because her bill was too high. That kind of thing, and many more (helping Amber organize her pictures, as she has over 90,000 pictures - I'm OCD with organization) I really don't mind helping every now and then, but sometimes it's a bit draining.
Recently, we had a cruise for a friend, as I mentioned. Diana and Amber were the main planners of this cruise, but I also helped contribute a lot by straightening a messup on the event website, calling to reschedule a restaurant reservation, coordinating communication on the FB group, and so forth. The actual cruise and event went very well. The birthday boy (not Amber or Diana)'s girlfriend posted a picture on Instagram thanking Diana and Amber for their help planning. I felt hurt that I wasn't included in the thanks, as I really did help a lot with the cruise planning, too, and decided to tell Amber as such, and her response was "ahh ok problem solved" by adding a comment saying "also (thanks) to [dubious_dude]." That did solve the problem, in a way, but, still, why didn't they think of me in the first place? (This isn't Amber/Diana's fault, and not within their control, but I do wish maybe Amber was a bit more emphatic about it.) Also, Amber posted three pictures on Instagram, all three pictures being individual pictures of her and the birthday girl, birthday boy's girlfriend, and Amber's own girlfriend. All her close friends. Well, except me. Amber didn't post a picture of us on Instagram. Yeah, I know, this seems petty and silly, but it really hurt my feelings, because... the other people who joined our party wasn't close to Amber, so it wasn't a surprise that Amber didn't include them in her "selfies" on Instagram, but... hello? How about me? Of course, I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to sound ridiculous or needy, or demanding, or overreacting. That is not my intention. Also, Amber's co-worker died recently, and I didn't want to make her grief any harder (they had only a 'surface' relationship, but still). Amber texted me asking me if I could help with her 'dedication' on Instagram to her co-worker. Again, looking to ME for help.
I'm at fault as well for enabling this. I'm too soft-hearted, and I don't want to lose their friendship. The things making this situation harder on me is:
a) I'm lonely where I am. It's hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes, I'm not the best in big social situations, and I often don't know what to say (hold a conversation).
b) I'm Deaf. Not an excuse, per se, but it's hard to communicate with hearing people; hence, hard to make new friends. This narrows my window of options for new friendships considerably. This is not something you may understand, though.
c) I'm shy and have mild social anxiety.
For the specific friendship with Amber/Diana, I'm also at fault because I have a soft spot in my heart for Amber, for some reason. I don't know, she's so fun to be with (when it's not all about help), and she can be incredibly understanding and has a great heart. I've known her for 10 years now, and I've seen an amazing side to her, but I've also seen her ugly side, too. If that makes any sense. This is based on our history (referenced in other posts I made in the past). I am also sometimes too nice, too quick to say yes. I often send her links to websites with tips to help her with her dogs, or give her leftover food/Starbucks, etc. The thing is, it's hard for me to say no - and I'm scared if I say no, there may be consequences. (this applies to all friends, not just Amber/Diana) In a weird way, I just feel 'stuck' with Amber/Diana - it's like two-sided. I love our friendship, value it madly, but on the other hand, I just feel a bit... trapped. If that makes sense.
Also, yesterday, before the pirate cruise, Diana was very stressed and aggravated. Amber asked me to text her on her iPhone for her while driving (Diana was at home getting ready)... Diana was mad because I had left with Amber to pick a friend up, and said (to Amber, via text) "omg, (dubious_dude) is following you like a dog! I don't want to be alone and do this alone" This really struck me because I thought Diana liked me, and I did ask Diana if she needed help, but she brushed me off; I also felt it was best to leave Diana alone as she was apparently in a very bad mood. To her credit, Amber DID straighten things out with Diana, and Diana apologized to me, explaining it wasn't me, but that she was just stressed and in a very bad mood. It's still kind of bugging me, though.
To both of their credit, it's not like they're completely taking advantage of me. They did make me dinner a few times, invited me to things they do, and generally have shown that they do care about me. After the cruise last night, Amber wrote a surprise note on my iPhone saying she does cherish my friendship, which really meant a lot to me.
It's just, at this moment, the whole Instagram thing was the last straw. I don't know WHY (as Instagram is just social media), but it really hurt me at the core that Amber included three of her close friends/significant other, but didn't include me. Obviously, not all pictures can be shared on IG, and that's fine, but I just felt very left out and forgotten (especially compounded with the other friend not including me in her thanks), if that makes sense. I'm trying to make sense of my feelings... which are muddled (as I'm sure this post is), but I just don't know. I feel like our friendship has been stuck in some kind of 'loop' based on my (shared) history with them. I also feel stuck, with hurt and even a bit of anger, bubbling up, but I feel like there's nobody to turn to or to really share it with them, as I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm also afraid my feelings are wrong, that I'm just completely overreacting, but I don't know. I also feel like I keep having to repeatedly explain things to them, that I'm always "saving" them in a way. It seems like it's always inconvenient or the wrong time to talk to them, as it seems like some kind of crisis keeps popping up, but maybe that's just me. At the same time, I really value the friendship. I just don't know.
Any friendship advice or insights on how to navigate this and make the friendship better/myself happier would be appreciated. Sorry if this was kind of a mess/unclear.
Best answer: Yep. She probably only posted the pics she judged she looked most attractive in.
The rest of it is a legit problem, but it is your problem - not Amber's.
Let me explain...
It seems that you are a little too caught up in Amber's "Cult of Personality."
That happens to everyone at some point. You get enamored of someone charismatic, and ... Whoops!
Here you are.
I'm not certain you can solve this without outgrowing your connection to Amber. She's kinda used to you being attentive towards her needs and your putting her needs first.
Give her a chance to be a real friend by saying No once in a while.
Or just pull the plug.
You can live happily without this person in your life. You might be successful in drawing new boundaries and evolving the friendship into something more equitable between the two if you.
Good luck, either way :)
posted by jbenben at 12:38 AM on October 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
The rest of it is a legit problem, but it is your problem - not Amber's.
Let me explain...
It seems that you are a little too caught up in Amber's "Cult of Personality."
That happens to everyone at some point. You get enamored of someone charismatic, and ... Whoops!
Here you are.
I'm not certain you can solve this without outgrowing your connection to Amber. She's kinda used to you being attentive towards her needs and your putting her needs first.
Give her a chance to be a real friend by saying No once in a while.
Or just pull the plug.
You can live happily without this person in your life. You might be successful in drawing new boundaries and evolving the friendship into something more equitable between the two if you.
Good luck, either way :)
posted by jbenben at 12:38 AM on October 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: jbenben: can you please clarify what you meant by 'cult of personality' a bit more? Thanks!
posted by dubious_dude at 1:06 AM on October 6, 2014
posted by dubious_dude at 1:06 AM on October 6, 2014
Colloquially, a "Cult of Personality" is the way you relate currently to Amber, although the precise definition relates to political rulers. Meh . Same difference here in your friend circle, I think.
Amber seems to overwhelm your sense of self. Sure she is charismatic, but you actively go along with her requests.
This is your issue. Learn to draw boundaries. Even if you make mistakes along the way.
You'll still be better off than if you remain a doormat.
That's not what you are here to be. No one is.
posted by jbenben at 1:19 AM on October 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Amber seems to overwhelm your sense of self. Sure she is charismatic, but you actively go along with her requests.
This is your issue. Learn to draw boundaries. Even if you make mistakes along the way.
You'll still be better off than if you remain a doormat.
That's not what you are here to be. No one is.
posted by jbenben at 1:19 AM on October 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
The next time they ask you for help with something, say you'd love to help but are overwhelmed with other obligations but would be happy to help the next time. The response will tell you what you need to know.
Drawing boundaries is healthy and a good friend will respect that.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:29 AM on October 6, 2014 [8 favorites]
Drawing boundaries is healthy and a good friend will respect that.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:29 AM on October 6, 2014 [8 favorites]
Your deafness, and the fact that it makes it hard for you to make new friends, opens up the possibility that they are acting out of a sense of obligation rather than true friendship - which might explain their behavior and attitudes. Only you can assess whether this possibility holds water.
If it is true or partially true, you can ask yourself whether you prefer status quo, or whether you're willing to risk moving on in the hope of finding genuine friends.
posted by Remote Network at 4:07 AM on October 6, 2014
If it is true or partially true, you can ask yourself whether you prefer status quo, or whether you're willing to risk moving on in the hope of finding genuine friends.
posted by Remote Network at 4:07 AM on October 6, 2014
We teach others how to treat us.
As you recognize, you've taught these two how to treat you. It's never too late to teach them a NEW WAY of treating you.
I would recommend pulling back, being less available and maintaining some healthy distance between the three of you.
Their reaction to this new way of life will be very, very telling.
If they react with kindness and understanding, all is well.
If they react with meanness and pettiness, then you know where you stand, and you may need to show yourself to the nearest exit.
Take care of YOURSELF.
Be kind to yourself and do what is best for YOU.
Them chips, they gonna fall where they may.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:23 AM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
As you recognize, you've taught these two how to treat you. It's never too late to teach them a NEW WAY of treating you.
I would recommend pulling back, being less available and maintaining some healthy distance between the three of you.
Their reaction to this new way of life will be very, very telling.
If they react with kindness and understanding, all is well.
If they react with meanness and pettiness, then you know where you stand, and you may need to show yourself to the nearest exit.
Take care of YOURSELF.
Be kind to yourself and do what is best for YOU.
Them chips, they gonna fall where they may.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:23 AM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
I may be totally off base here, but it sounds like your role in the friendship is always one of giving help to the others. What would happen if you NEEDED help from them for something?
I'm not an expert, but I'm sure I've read somewhere that it's not YOU helping THEM which makes them feel more friendship, but letting THEM help YOU is what cements it.
posted by CathyG at 6:10 AM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not an expert, but I'm sure I've read somewhere that it's not YOU helping THEM which makes them feel more friendship, but letting THEM help YOU is what cements it.
posted by CathyG at 6:10 AM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm at fault as well for enabling this.
This is a good thing to recognize, and it's the only thing you can change.
a) I'm lonely where I am. It's hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes, I'm not the best in big social situations, and I often don't know what to say (hold a conversation).
b) I'm Deaf. Not an excuse, per se, but it's hard to communicate with hearing people; hence, hard to make new friends. This narrows my window of options for new friendships considerably. This is not something you may understand, though.
c) I'm shy and have mild social anxiety.
These are the things to deal with. It's not about these people, it's about you. Your loneliness, anxiety, perceived isolation - these are the things that make you vulnerable to being taken advantage of, because you'll put up with anything not to be alone.
it's hard for me to say no - and I'm scared if I say no, there may be consequences. (this applies to all friends, ...... I feel like there's nobody to turn to or to really share it with them, as I'm afraid of the consequences.
Say no and damn the consequences. Surely you have read things like "it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone." That applies to friends too, not just partners.
posted by headnsouth at 6:43 AM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is a good thing to recognize, and it's the only thing you can change.
a) I'm lonely where I am. It's hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes, I'm not the best in big social situations, and I often don't know what to say (hold a conversation).
b) I'm Deaf. Not an excuse, per se, but it's hard to communicate with hearing people; hence, hard to make new friends. This narrows my window of options for new friendships considerably. This is not something you may understand, though.
c) I'm shy and have mild social anxiety.
These are the things to deal with. It's not about these people, it's about you. Your loneliness, anxiety, perceived isolation - these are the things that make you vulnerable to being taken advantage of, because you'll put up with anything not to be alone.
it's hard for me to say no - and I'm scared if I say no, there may be consequences. (this applies to all friends, ...... I feel like there's nobody to turn to or to really share it with them, as I'm afraid of the consequences.
Say no and damn the consequences. Surely you have read things like "it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone." That applies to friends too, not just partners.
posted by headnsouth at 6:43 AM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: These people sure ask a lot of their "friends" and don't really seem to do it in all that friendly a way. I think you might find that there are plenty of people in the world who won't ask multiple time-consuming favors of you - by the way, all of the favors you mentioned sound like things one might ask a secretary to do, not a friend - and who won't compare you to a dog.
Stop spending so much time with and on these people and use that time to go to some meet ups and to take on some new hobbies. Become your own best friend.
Another thing, about appreciation: I used to feel so unappreciated by the people in my life. And looking back, in many cases I was legitimately not being appreciated - but part of that was because I kept doing things for people that were more about trying to get them to thank me than they were about genuinely doing something I wanted to do. This weekend I went to a get-together, and I told my friends I might bake a special cake since I was am the designated dessert-bringer. But on Friday I was tired, and this cake takes 4 hours to make. So I brought brownies from a box. And it was fine. They all said they loved the brownies and no one said "but what about that special cake?"
You know what would have happened if I had made the cake? I would have felt unappreciated, because I would have put myself out to do it, and I would have unconsciously expected people to put themselves out in some way in return. How exhausting.
posted by sockermom at 6:55 AM on October 6, 2014 [11 favorites]
Stop spending so much time with and on these people and use that time to go to some meet ups and to take on some new hobbies. Become your own best friend.
Another thing, about appreciation: I used to feel so unappreciated by the people in my life. And looking back, in many cases I was legitimately not being appreciated - but part of that was because I kept doing things for people that were more about trying to get them to thank me than they were about genuinely doing something I wanted to do. This weekend I went to a get-together, and I told my friends I might bake a special cake since I was am the designated dessert-bringer. But on Friday I was tired, and this cake takes 4 hours to make. So I brought brownies from a box. And it was fine. They all said they loved the brownies and no one said "but what about that special cake?"
You know what would have happened if I had made the cake? I would have felt unappreciated, because I would have put myself out to do it, and I would have unconsciously expected people to put themselves out in some way in return. How exhausting.
posted by sockermom at 6:55 AM on October 6, 2014 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I think sockermom nailed it, especially the part about doing things for people to receive thanks.
I read some of your other posts on the topic of Amber and Diane, and this really seems to be something of a toxic relationship. I know it's rough, but you should distance yourself from these people. The comment "omg, (dubious_dude) is following you like a dog!" is especially telling.
Seriously, do you want to wake up 10 years from now and realize how much time you've wasted helping these people balance their checkbook in exchange for "emotional scraps" from their table?
posted by doctor tough love at 7:33 AM on October 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
I read some of your other posts on the topic of Amber and Diane, and this really seems to be something of a toxic relationship. I know it's rough, but you should distance yourself from these people. The comment "omg, (dubious_dude) is following you like a dog!" is especially telling.
Seriously, do you want to wake up 10 years from now and realize how much time you've wasted helping these people balance their checkbook in exchange for "emotional scraps" from their table?
posted by doctor tough love at 7:33 AM on October 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I have seen this exact issue break up decades long friendships firsthand, so I know what you are going through. It is painful and emotional.
I think you have actually clearly identified everything going on in your relationship with these two and your feelings about it, and now all that is left is to put all the pieces in perspective. You are absolutely right to feel hurt and angered by the way you are treated (It is extremely hurtful and disrespectful). You should look at your ability and desire to help others as a great personal strength and attribute- not a root cause of the poor treatment towards you. It is important to put this in perspective: many, MANY, people in this world would be grateful and cherish such a supportive friend as you. These two individuals do not feel that way and it speaks to their shallowness and pettiness. So don't blame yourself that you are enabling poor treatment; Friends who really care and cherish you would never, ever refer to you as a "dog" or neglect you in the way that these two do because it would violate their sense of morality on a gut level. You are a kind, caring, helpful person. Own it and feel proud.
Now to talk about this:
I'm at fault as well for enabling this. I'm too soft-hearted, and I don't want to lose their friendship. The things making this situation harder on me is:
a) I'm lonely where I am. It's hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes, I'm not the best in big social situations, and I often don't know what to say (hold a conversation).
b) I'm Deaf. Not an excuse, per se, but it's hard to communicate with hearing people; hence, hard to make new friends. This narrows my window of options for new friendships considerably. This is not something you may understand, though.
c) I'm shy and have mild social anxiety.
I don't think these are really the explanations and sources of your "enabling" as I have already expounded above. Rather, I think you have identified your feelings and fears about yourself that have caused you to cling to these two hurtful relationships. I am sure being deaf does present unique challenges to making friends and socializing, but if you think of it as a challenge to be worked on and overcome, rather than a passive obstacle that will always be baked into your social life- I think that you may start seeing new ways and opportunities to connect with people. Also, I know that if I met someone who was deaf that I thought was interesting and wanted to get to know better, I would go the extra mile to communicate with that person. I think you can take solace that there are many people out there that would feel the same way.
Lastly, maybe some counseling/therapy to address your social anxiety and loneliness would be very beneficial and jump-start the changes in your social life you are seeking. It is much, much easier for us to attract and connect with others when we are solid, content, and whole as individuals. I am not implying that you are not these things above; maybe the hurt and anger that has been caused to you is clouding your outlook and feelings on life right now, but I think that you need to do some introspection right now, whether alone or with a professional, to help guide you out of this situation and into one where you are more fulfilled.
posted by incolorinred at 8:20 AM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think you have actually clearly identified everything going on in your relationship with these two and your feelings about it, and now all that is left is to put all the pieces in perspective. You are absolutely right to feel hurt and angered by the way you are treated (It is extremely hurtful and disrespectful). You should look at your ability and desire to help others as a great personal strength and attribute- not a root cause of the poor treatment towards you. It is important to put this in perspective: many, MANY, people in this world would be grateful and cherish such a supportive friend as you. These two individuals do not feel that way and it speaks to their shallowness and pettiness. So don't blame yourself that you are enabling poor treatment; Friends who really care and cherish you would never, ever refer to you as a "dog" or neglect you in the way that these two do because it would violate their sense of morality on a gut level. You are a kind, caring, helpful person. Own it and feel proud.
Now to talk about this:
I'm at fault as well for enabling this. I'm too soft-hearted, and I don't want to lose their friendship. The things making this situation harder on me is:
a) I'm lonely where I am. It's hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes, I'm not the best in big social situations, and I often don't know what to say (hold a conversation).
b) I'm Deaf. Not an excuse, per se, but it's hard to communicate with hearing people; hence, hard to make new friends. This narrows my window of options for new friendships considerably. This is not something you may understand, though.
c) I'm shy and have mild social anxiety.
I don't think these are really the explanations and sources of your "enabling" as I have already expounded above. Rather, I think you have identified your feelings and fears about yourself that have caused you to cling to these two hurtful relationships. I am sure being deaf does present unique challenges to making friends and socializing, but if you think of it as a challenge to be worked on and overcome, rather than a passive obstacle that will always be baked into your social life- I think that you may start seeing new ways and opportunities to connect with people. Also, I know that if I met someone who was deaf that I thought was interesting and wanted to get to know better, I would go the extra mile to communicate with that person. I think you can take solace that there are many people out there that would feel the same way.
Lastly, maybe some counseling/therapy to address your social anxiety and loneliness would be very beneficial and jump-start the changes in your social life you are seeking. It is much, much easier for us to attract and connect with others when we are solid, content, and whole as individuals. I am not implying that you are not these things above; maybe the hurt and anger that has been caused to you is clouding your outlook and feelings on life right now, but I think that you need to do some introspection right now, whether alone or with a professional, to help guide you out of this situation and into one where you are more fulfilled.
posted by incolorinred at 8:20 AM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You're getting some great advice here. I also have a friend who posts photos obsessively, but rarely posts ones with me in them. I think that I just don't fit the image that he wants to portray to the world, and that's fine.
posted by misseva at 11:48 AM on October 6, 2014
posted by misseva at 11:48 AM on October 6, 2014
Response by poster: Not to threadsit, but just wanted to clarify on one point that some people seem to have misunderstood (my fault for not being clear upfront): Amber and Diana are Deaf, as well. So, it's not an obligation on their part as hearing people to be friends with the "poor, lonely Deaf dude."
How would you suggest I go about setting boundaries gently, while not risking making them feel put out/mad? Any good strategies for a soft boundary establishment?
posted by dubious_dude at 1:20 PM on October 6, 2014
How would you suggest I go about setting boundaries gently, while not risking making them feel put out/mad? Any good strategies for a soft boundary establishment?
posted by dubious_dude at 1:20 PM on October 6, 2014
How would you suggest I go about setting boundaries gently, while not risking making them feel put out/mad?
You can't. You set boundaries based on your needs/preferences, not based on others' responses to how you state them. The risk is inherent in the act.
posted by headnsouth at 2:03 PM on October 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
You can't. You set boundaries based on your needs/preferences, not based on others' responses to how you state them. The risk is inherent in the act.
posted by headnsouth at 2:03 PM on October 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: A boundary is essentially a long way of saying "no." There is no way to "soften the blow" of a no - some people will hear "no" and think "cool, whatever," while others will hear "no" and think "why do they hate me?"
A boundary by definition is a hard line - it's not soft. I hate to break it to you, but based on what you've said of Amber and Diana, there is not going to be a way to set the boundary without making them feel put out or possibly angry. Saying "no" to someone who takes a "no" personally is always going to be a bit uncomfortable and difficult.
There are boundary respecters, boundary pushers, and boundary violators. The first kind of person - that's who you want as your friends. "Oh, you don't want me to post pictures of you on Facebook? So sorry, I had no idea! I won't do it again. Do you want me to take those ones of you down?" "Oh, you don't have time to call my cable company for me and help resolve my bill? No worries, I don't know why I even asked you to do that - I'm an adult and I can handle my own finances!" Pushers will just constantly keep trying to see if they can eke out a little more from the boundary: "Oh, I know you don't want to be bothered at work, but I really need to talk right now." "Oh, I know you said that you don't have time to help me organize my pictures, but can you just help me for a few hours?" Even worse are the pushers who pretend that there was never an explicit boundary put up: "What? You never used to mind if I interrupted you whenever I felt like it. What changed? I don't remember that conversation at all!" Finally are the violators: people that you've told about your boundaries multiple times, yet they still just keep trampling on them - often they will also act like your boundary is a personal affront to them. "I can't believe that you won't let me talk about my problems to you for four hours at a time, whenever I want. You're not a good friend." "I can't believe that you won't let me treat you like dirt, compare you to a dog, and yell at you when I'm stressed. What good are you as a friend if I can't treat you poorly?"
Start setting boundaries with Amber and Diana and pay attention to how they react. If they are boundary respecters, that's great - that is the type of person you want to let in to your life. If they're pushers or violators, you'll do yourself a great favor by distancing yourself from them. People who do not understand or respect boundaries are the worst kind of people. They are at best clueless and at worst dangerous - you want friends that respect you. You deserve that.
There's something else going on in your question, too. Diana said it, actually, but I think it applies to you as well: " I don't want to be alone and do this alone." There seems to be a lot of co-dependency going on here. You spend a lot of time together and are knit pretty close. That is a recipe for disaster, in my experience. People need autonomy. They need space. Even if you think that you don't need space, it's never a bad thing - never, ever - to get to know yourself a bit better. I think that you might find a lot more peace in your interpersonal relationships if you approach them as icing on the cake of life: make yourself happy first, independently. Be good with yourself. Learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby, something, anything, to get you focused on yourself and your own inner life a bit. I think that a bit of distance, coupled with getting to know yourself better and cherish yourself, will do you a world of good.
posted by sockermom at 2:53 PM on October 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
A boundary by definition is a hard line - it's not soft. I hate to break it to you, but based on what you've said of Amber and Diana, there is not going to be a way to set the boundary without making them feel put out or possibly angry. Saying "no" to someone who takes a "no" personally is always going to be a bit uncomfortable and difficult.
There are boundary respecters, boundary pushers, and boundary violators. The first kind of person - that's who you want as your friends. "Oh, you don't want me to post pictures of you on Facebook? So sorry, I had no idea! I won't do it again. Do you want me to take those ones of you down?" "Oh, you don't have time to call my cable company for me and help resolve my bill? No worries, I don't know why I even asked you to do that - I'm an adult and I can handle my own finances!" Pushers will just constantly keep trying to see if they can eke out a little more from the boundary: "Oh, I know you don't want to be bothered at work, but I really need to talk right now." "Oh, I know you said that you don't have time to help me organize my pictures, but can you just help me for a few hours?" Even worse are the pushers who pretend that there was never an explicit boundary put up: "What? You never used to mind if I interrupted you whenever I felt like it. What changed? I don't remember that conversation at all!" Finally are the violators: people that you've told about your boundaries multiple times, yet they still just keep trampling on them - often they will also act like your boundary is a personal affront to them. "I can't believe that you won't let me talk about my problems to you for four hours at a time, whenever I want. You're not a good friend." "I can't believe that you won't let me treat you like dirt, compare you to a dog, and yell at you when I'm stressed. What good are you as a friend if I can't treat you poorly?"
Start setting boundaries with Amber and Diana and pay attention to how they react. If they are boundary respecters, that's great - that is the type of person you want to let in to your life. If they're pushers or violators, you'll do yourself a great favor by distancing yourself from them. People who do not understand or respect boundaries are the worst kind of people. They are at best clueless and at worst dangerous - you want friends that respect you. You deserve that.
There's something else going on in your question, too. Diana said it, actually, but I think it applies to you as well: " I don't want to be alone and do this alone." There seems to be a lot of co-dependency going on here. You spend a lot of time together and are knit pretty close. That is a recipe for disaster, in my experience. People need autonomy. They need space. Even if you think that you don't need space, it's never a bad thing - never, ever - to get to know yourself a bit better. I think that you might find a lot more peace in your interpersonal relationships if you approach them as icing on the cake of life: make yourself happy first, independently. Be good with yourself. Learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby, something, anything, to get you focused on yourself and your own inner life a bit. I think that a bit of distance, coupled with getting to know yourself better and cherish yourself, will do you a world of good.
posted by sockermom at 2:53 PM on October 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Oh my god I was exhausted just reading all the shit you have to do for your friends!
It's not really wrong for you to have a hard time saying no. But a real friend would not ask you to do all these things because they would not want to take advantage of you. You would not have to worry about saying no because an actual friend would once in a while ask for a favor (once in a while!), and would know you well enough to read your expression when you would prefer not to do it.
I think this is the kind of friendship that ends up making you feel even more lonely than if you were alone. I have been there and you really should listen to your inner voice. You should not pay for friendship. You shouldn't pay with services (like editing) or gifts, or excessive attention.
It makes me really sad that you are doing all these things and paying all this attention to them and you justify it with how they make you dinner sometimes and they also hang out with you. It's like you are buying a normal friendship from them with personal assistance services from you.
And of course they value your friendship. It actually has a value. People get paid to edit, sort out files and do clerical work and sort out bills. This is exactly why people don't use their friends for those very things. Because it is ugly.
I don't want you to feel sad. You are a good person and have a lot of affection to give. Just don't sell yourself short. Try new things, work on your boundaries and find people who want to spend time with you.
And finally, I want to give you some advice my sister always told me: when you do too much for people, those who are normal freak out and don't pursue a friendship with you. Excessive favors make people uncomfortable, unless they are callous and willing to use you. They are the ones who stay.
posted by Tarumba at 1:56 PM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's not really wrong for you to have a hard time saying no. But a real friend would not ask you to do all these things because they would not want to take advantage of you. You would not have to worry about saying no because an actual friend would once in a while ask for a favor (once in a while!), and would know you well enough to read your expression when you would prefer not to do it.
I think this is the kind of friendship that ends up making you feel even more lonely than if you were alone. I have been there and you really should listen to your inner voice. You should not pay for friendship. You shouldn't pay with services (like editing) or gifts, or excessive attention.
It makes me really sad that you are doing all these things and paying all this attention to them and you justify it with how they make you dinner sometimes and they also hang out with you. It's like you are buying a normal friendship from them with personal assistance services from you.
And of course they value your friendship. It actually has a value. People get paid to edit, sort out files and do clerical work and sort out bills. This is exactly why people don't use their friends for those very things. Because it is ugly.
I don't want you to feel sad. You are a good person and have a lot of affection to give. Just don't sell yourself short. Try new things, work on your boundaries and find people who want to spend time with you.
And finally, I want to give you some advice my sister always told me: when you do too much for people, those who are normal freak out and don't pursue a friendship with you. Excessive favors make people uncomfortable, unless they are callous and willing to use you. They are the ones who stay.
posted by Tarumba at 1:56 PM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I do think that if you're feeling unappreciated, it's worth talking to your friends about it. Consider drawing slightly more clear boundaries about which situations and circumstances you will help them in. But don't cite specifics as you have above - it just distracts from the underlying issues (that you feel under appreciated, that you have to be able to say 'no' sometimes to their requests to keep your mental health intact, etc) and it does make you sound petty, quite honestly, although I understand why your feelings are the way their are.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:04 PM on October 5, 2014 [13 favorites]