OK to ask out someone you know through an ex?
September 30, 2014 12:14 AM Subscribe
I like a boy. I'm pretty sure he likes me back. Great, right? There's one problem: said boy is someone I know through an ex. Is this ever OK to pursue?
And it gets worse. Not only do I know this guy through my ex, the vast majority of times we've ever socialized, it was when I was in Girlfriend Mode supporting my ex in an activity they both participate in. (Imagine it's a band, though it's not actually a band.) If I were to date this boy, I'd probably start turning out to support him in the exact same activity. In the presence of my ex.
My ex and I are on great terms, we socialize casually every now and again, we didn't date that long and weren't that serious, I'm over him, he was the one who broke up with me, and he's not the jealous type. But it just feels weird to me. Also, because they participate in this activity together, I feel a bit like a groupie or the Town Bike or something hopping from one guy in this social circle to the next.
The reality is that if I'd met this guy completely independently of my ex, I would 100% be interested. It has nothing to do with my ex. Except that it kind of does.
What's the etiquette here? I'm open to talking to my ex about it, but it seems a bit premature as of yet.
And it gets worse. Not only do I know this guy through my ex, the vast majority of times we've ever socialized, it was when I was in Girlfriend Mode supporting my ex in an activity they both participate in. (Imagine it's a band, though it's not actually a band.) If I were to date this boy, I'd probably start turning out to support him in the exact same activity. In the presence of my ex.
My ex and I are on great terms, we socialize casually every now and again, we didn't date that long and weren't that serious, I'm over him, he was the one who broke up with me, and he's not the jealous type. But it just feels weird to me. Also, because they participate in this activity together, I feel a bit like a groupie or the Town Bike or something hopping from one guy in this social circle to the next.
The reality is that if I'd met this guy completely independently of my ex, I would 100% be interested. It has nothing to do with my ex. Except that it kind of does.
What's the etiquette here? I'm open to talking to my ex about it, but it seems a bit premature as of yet.
Best answer: I think it'll be completely fine.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:41 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:41 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Probably fine, but maybe you'd want to stay away from "band practice" while things are very new, until you have sense for whether it will go somewhere.
posted by ktkt at 12:50 AM on September 30, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by ktkt at 12:50 AM on September 30, 2014 [18 favorites]
Go for it. You two want to date? Don't let anyone hold you back. Ex=fin, so I say full steam ahead, although I like ktkt's advice that it would probably be wise not to dive right back into the "band practice" scene for a while. You only get one shot, right? Best of luck.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 2:19 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 2:19 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
And I don't see anything to be gained by talking to your ex about it, unless you're looking to him for reassurance that you are not a Bad Person. You are not a Bad Person. Don't make it more uncomfortable for him than it needs to be.
posted by ista at 4:04 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by ista at 4:04 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I did this. Reader, I married her.
posted by donnagirl at 4:23 AM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by donnagirl at 4:23 AM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]
What everyone else said. Also, the whole idea of a "town bike" is rooted in misogyny, as I'm sure you know. Obviously those cultural tropes are powerful, but you don't have to let them keep you from pursuing something that could be great.
posted by lunasol at 4:37 AM on September 30, 2014 [20 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 4:37 AM on September 30, 2014 [20 favorites]
Go on a few dates with the guy. If it turns into something, you could always mention it to your ex, but it's not mandatory.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:13 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:13 AM on September 30, 2014
You keep saying you know him through your ex, but is a a good friend of your ex? Or more of an acquaintance?
Friends are more touchy - acquaintances are fair game, particularly if he broke up with you. That being said dudes are weird. Despite him breaking up with you it wouldn't be unheard of for ex to maybe act a bit wonky if you start hanging out with new guy - thats his problem however, not yours.
posted by bitdamaged at 5:17 AM on September 30, 2014
Friends are more touchy - acquaintances are fair game, particularly if he broke up with you. That being said dudes are weird. Despite him breaking up with you it wouldn't be unheard of for ex to maybe act a bit wonky if you start hanging out with new guy - thats his problem however, not yours.
posted by bitdamaged at 5:17 AM on September 30, 2014
Variations on this happen all the time. People tend to date those they know...
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:25 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:25 AM on September 30, 2014
Lesbians would never date if there were a rule against this, so from my perspective, it's totally normal, especially since you are on good terms with the ex.
posted by rtha at 5:32 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by rtha at 5:32 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I am married to a guy that my ex introduced me to. Go for it.
posted by bedhead at 5:34 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by bedhead at 5:34 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This is how my husband and I got together. Go for it!
posted by sconbie at 5:34 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by sconbie at 5:34 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
I really think lots of people meet subsequent partners via the same circle of friends they had with previous partners. When you think about it, it's pretty obvious that this would happen a lot. It's sad, but one of the things we have to learn to deal with in life is the possible pain of seeing a past partner with someone else we know. It's happened to me and it's happened to pretty much everyone I know. If you are into this guy and he's into you it'd be needlessly self-denying not to pursue it. Go for it, and good luck!
posted by Decani at 5:42 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by Decani at 5:42 AM on September 30, 2014
Best answer: Yes, this is completely fine. Go for it!
posted by elvissa at 5:51 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by elvissa at 5:51 AM on September 30, 2014
Best answer: I'm also married to a guy who I met through an ex - in their case, it really was that their bands played together a lot. Maybe a little weirdness initially, despite general good feelings about the ex, but it all worked out well in the end.
posted by SeedStitch at 6:03 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by SeedStitch at 6:03 AM on September 30, 2014
If you are thinking of this presumably adult male as a "boy" it's perhaps best to avoid interaction. "Boy" is a weird descriptor for someone you are considering a candidate for an adult relationship so close to the end of another relationship.
I don't see anything wrong with dating the friend of an ex though. There are likely mutual interests and really an ex, while it's nice of you to be considerate, is an ex nonetheless. It's no more his concern who you date going forward than it is your concern who he dates going forward.
posted by vapidave at 6:09 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't see anything wrong with dating the friend of an ex though. There are likely mutual interests and really an ex, while it's nice of you to be considerate, is an ex nonetheless. It's no more his concern who you date going forward than it is your concern who he dates going forward.
posted by vapidave at 6:09 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't see anything wrong about it as long as neither of you decide to be an asshole about it and do something like talk loudly in public about how much better the second guy is in bed.
If I were to date this boy, I'd probably start turning out to support him in the exact same activity. In the presence of my ex.
As a side note, why isn't your default assumption that the new guy would start turning out to support you in the things you are doing? The problem in this question seems to be to only partly be about the men's friendship, and sounds to a significant extent also to be about how you are envisioning your role relative to them.
the Town Bike
On that some point, a bike gets ridden with no agency of its own; it's a lighthearted but awful term for a woman who gets passed around like an object. I doubt you are actually thinking of yourself in those terms at all, but the repeated use of such passive language really jumped out at me in your question, and is problematic in a way that dating a friend of an ex will never be.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:12 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]
If I were to date this boy, I'd probably start turning out to support him in the exact same activity. In the presence of my ex.
As a side note, why isn't your default assumption that the new guy would start turning out to support you in the things you are doing? The problem in this question seems to be to only partly be about the men's friendship, and sounds to a significant extent also to be about how you are envisioning your role relative to them.
the Town Bike
On that some point, a bike gets ridden with no agency of its own; it's a lighthearted but awful term for a woman who gets passed around like an object. I doubt you are actually thinking of yourself in those terms at all, but the repeated use of such passive language really jumped out at me in your question, and is problematic in a way that dating a friend of an ex will never be.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:12 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]
As Aristotle said, "Life is short, go for it." Ok maybe it wasn't Aristotle.
posted by Pechorin at 6:16 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Pechorin at 6:16 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
I agree with everyone else, this is totally cool, go for it.
You do not need to run it by your ex first. Your new guy probably does though.
I mean, that's the guy code; you don't date your friend's sisters or exes. So if he is going to break that rule, he needs to run it by the friend first: "Hey Bob, I've been talking to Sara some lately. Are you cool if I go out with her?" Since you are on good terms with the ex, it is probably NBD, but it is possible that he tells his friend No and the friend respects that and you are SOL. So just be prepared for that possibility.
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:54 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
You do not need to run it by your ex first. Your new guy probably does though.
I mean, that's the guy code; you don't date your friend's sisters or exes. So if he is going to break that rule, he needs to run it by the friend first: "Hey Bob, I've been talking to Sara some lately. Are you cool if I go out with her?" Since you are on good terms with the ex, it is probably NBD, but it is possible that he tells his friend No and the friend respects that and you are SOL. So just be prepared for that possibility.
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:54 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: it's fine. See all the folks in the comments who married friends of exes? I did it too. Must be a Thing. We date the people we know. Enjoy.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:03 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:03 AM on September 30, 2014
I am the Walrus has it-- if you all actually start dating, your new guy will buy your ex a beer, and your ex will say, "no problem" and then it will be fine. Mr Tuesday had a convo like that with my ex. It's not about ownership, it is about making sure there isn't awkwardness. So you should go for it!
posted by tuesdayschild at 8:35 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by tuesdayschild at 8:35 AM on September 30, 2014
I think from your end there is no problem with it -- NewGuy may or may not be fine with it, and I would leave that to him to decide. I personally once got really burned by dating a close friend's ex (which included lots of bad decision-making on my part, no question), and so I would probably not do it again unless I was, like, 100% sure this was the person I was going to marry. So, for most potential dating partners out there, I would just not be willing to risk it. It's possible the man you're having sparks with feels the same way, in which case you should respect that and not pursue.
But if you feel good about it, and he feels good about it, I would say go for it! I do think it would be respectful to not show up to these band practice-type thingies unless and until things are more serious (i.e. beyond "we're hanging out a lot" or "we're hooking up" and somewhere more in the "this is serious and exclusive, and seems like it is really going to be something long term" realm). I also think that taking this approach will help you feel less like a "groupie" -- while I agree with others that you don't NEED to feel this way, I can totally understand feeling like that's a yucky vibe that could happen in this group and that you want to avoid. I think it will be considerably lessened if you're not "the woman NewGuy hooked up with last weekend" and instead "NewGuy's girlfriend of 8 months." I also agree with above posters that you shouldn't feel like you need to be in "supportive girlfriend" all the time just because your SO's hobby has lots of those types. Unless you really just truly enjoy the hobby independent of whomever you are dating (in which case, presumably you have been continuing to go since your breakup, so it will feel less like "Sara is supporting someone new" and more like "Sara is continuing to do this hobby, and also now dating someone new"), maybe focus on your own activities and show up on a limited basis like once a month to show support and share in the activity -- and expect that boyfriend will do the same for whatever your hobbies happen to be.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:44 AM on September 30, 2014
But if you feel good about it, and he feels good about it, I would say go for it! I do think it would be respectful to not show up to these band practice-type thingies unless and until things are more serious (i.e. beyond "we're hanging out a lot" or "we're hooking up" and somewhere more in the "this is serious and exclusive, and seems like it is really going to be something long term" realm). I also think that taking this approach will help you feel less like a "groupie" -- while I agree with others that you don't NEED to feel this way, I can totally understand feeling like that's a yucky vibe that could happen in this group and that you want to avoid. I think it will be considerably lessened if you're not "the woman NewGuy hooked up with last weekend" and instead "NewGuy's girlfriend of 8 months." I also agree with above posters that you shouldn't feel like you need to be in "supportive girlfriend" all the time just because your SO's hobby has lots of those types. Unless you really just truly enjoy the hobby independent of whomever you are dating (in which case, presumably you have been continuing to go since your breakup, so it will feel less like "Sara is supporting someone new" and more like "Sara is continuing to do this hobby, and also now dating someone new"), maybe focus on your own activities and show up on a limited basis like once a month to show support and share in the activity -- and expect that boyfriend will do the same for whatever your hobbies happen to be.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:44 AM on September 30, 2014
Assuming you're all adults, go for it. If your ex is incapable of behaving like an adult, that's his problem.
The idea that New Guy needs to have a conversation with Ex is kinda skeevy to me. You're not "off limits" because you used to date someone else. Who someone is dating is the business of the people inside that relationship, not anybody else's. That said, if New Guy is the sort to be weird about telling Ex, you're probably best off knowing that ahead of time. Do you really want to date someone who cares more about what his friends think than what you or he himself thinks?
Speaking for myself, I wouldn't think twice about Ex in this situation, because he's not a part of the relationship.
posted by Solomon at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
The idea that New Guy needs to have a conversation with Ex is kinda skeevy to me. You're not "off limits" because you used to date someone else. Who someone is dating is the business of the people inside that relationship, not anybody else's. That said, if New Guy is the sort to be weird about telling Ex, you're probably best off knowing that ahead of time. Do you really want to date someone who cares more about what his friends think than what you or he himself thinks?
Speaking for myself, I wouldn't think twice about Ex in this situation, because he's not a part of the relationship.
posted by Solomon at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It is a friend, but not a terribly close friend. Definitely more of an "activity partner/in my social circle" type relationship.
And, yes, of course I'd expect anyone I date to come out to support the things I do! But since my question isn't about my own hobbies, but about this one particular social circle and my role within it, I asked about the stuff I'm actually concerned about. Which is, does this make me some kind of weird groupie. And, yes, of course all my Supportive Girlfriend Tiemz are related to enjoying the activity in question (though I did back off this particular scene a lot after the ex and I broke up).
The "groupie/town bike" thing is definitely internalized misogyny, though. Blerg.
Anyway, the consensus seems to be go for it, so ugh, dammit, now I have to Ask Someone Out, which is terrifying.
posted by Sara C. at 10:49 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
And, yes, of course I'd expect anyone I date to come out to support the things I do! But since my question isn't about my own hobbies, but about this one particular social circle and my role within it, I asked about the stuff I'm actually concerned about. Which is, does this make me some kind of weird groupie. And, yes, of course all my Supportive Girlfriend Tiemz are related to enjoying the activity in question (though I did back off this particular scene a lot after the ex and I broke up).
The "groupie/town bike" thing is definitely internalized misogyny, though. Blerg.
Anyway, the consensus seems to be go for it, so ugh, dammit, now I have to Ask Someone Out, which is terrifying.
posted by Sara C. at 10:49 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
"...now I have to Ask Someone Out, which is terrifying."
Yes scary - but you choose. I hope it works out, if not, then try again.
posted by vapidave at 1:14 PM on September 30, 2014
Yes scary - but you choose. I hope it works out, if not, then try again.
posted by vapidave at 1:14 PM on September 30, 2014
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If talking with your ex seems premature, wait until it seems like the right time. It could be good to check in with him, but probably more as a courtesy/sign of respect for your friendship than as asking for permission - at least that seems like it would be the case to me given the situation you have described.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 12:29 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]