Help me get over and move on from this disappointing non-relationship
September 27, 2014 9:38 PM Subscribe
I recently came out of a disappointing "non-relationship" and am finding it hard to move on, and to know how to deal with this person (who is someone I see regularly). Hoping someone out there may have been through a similar thing and have some wisdom for me.
I was recently seeing a guy for 1-2 months, and although I think I was always the more keen things got to a place where they seemed to be going really well. I genuinely felt a connection and the guy in question towards the end told me he was "really into me" and "didn't want to stuff things up" and he told me things he had never told anyone else.. etc etc. Mutual friends commented that we seemed like a great match and we needed to tone down the pda's! so all seemed to be going well. The relationship ended after a particularly romantic evening, a few days later. Basically he said he thought we were "heading into a very serious relationship" and needed to either take the brakes off and go for it or "just stay friends" and see "if anything romantic develops". Obviously I was rather unimpressed with the second part of what was being said and not being one to argue with someone who isn't totally into me I told him he needed to decide and he said at that point he was more comfortable with just being friends but wanted to continue to see me and loved my company etc. I accepted this graciously and that was it.
My question is that this was several months ago now and I'm having a hard time moving on. I know that this must be tied up with childhood stuff or old trauma because the hurt I am going through is way out of proportion with the relationship that developed between us. Although having said that I did feel a connection with him that I have not really felt before (I'm mid thirties) and could be more myself in many ways with him than with anyone else I have ever met. So the disappointment was genuine. However its been a while now and I'm still feeling gutted. I have heard through various mutual friends that he feels he made a mistake and I think misses me, but its really irrelevant at this point as there is no way I would go back after all this drama and upset and its irrelevant anyway as he made little effort afterwards to keep in touch or rectify things.
The problem is that this is someone I see fairly regularly and I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with him when I see him. I am incredibly hurt and pretty angry... my question is anger really the right response here?? I think he genuinely had feelings for me but issues with intimacy... on the other hand I'm not sure whether the last conversation we had was just his way of letting me down gently and he just wasn't really into me.
What now though, stay angry and ignore him when I see him? be civil? attempt a distant but civil friendship?? This whole relationship feels completely unresolved and its just hard to know what to do, how to feel, and how to act. Please help me clarify the situation in my own mind so I can move on. Thanks.
I was recently seeing a guy for 1-2 months, and although I think I was always the more keen things got to a place where they seemed to be going really well. I genuinely felt a connection and the guy in question towards the end told me he was "really into me" and "didn't want to stuff things up" and he told me things he had never told anyone else.. etc etc. Mutual friends commented that we seemed like a great match and we needed to tone down the pda's! so all seemed to be going well. The relationship ended after a particularly romantic evening, a few days later. Basically he said he thought we were "heading into a very serious relationship" and needed to either take the brakes off and go for it or "just stay friends" and see "if anything romantic develops". Obviously I was rather unimpressed with the second part of what was being said and not being one to argue with someone who isn't totally into me I told him he needed to decide and he said at that point he was more comfortable with just being friends but wanted to continue to see me and loved my company etc. I accepted this graciously and that was it.
My question is that this was several months ago now and I'm having a hard time moving on. I know that this must be tied up with childhood stuff or old trauma because the hurt I am going through is way out of proportion with the relationship that developed between us. Although having said that I did feel a connection with him that I have not really felt before (I'm mid thirties) and could be more myself in many ways with him than with anyone else I have ever met. So the disappointment was genuine. However its been a while now and I'm still feeling gutted. I have heard through various mutual friends that he feels he made a mistake and I think misses me, but its really irrelevant at this point as there is no way I would go back after all this drama and upset and its irrelevant anyway as he made little effort afterwards to keep in touch or rectify things.
The problem is that this is someone I see fairly regularly and I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with him when I see him. I am incredibly hurt and pretty angry... my question is anger really the right response here?? I think he genuinely had feelings for me but issues with intimacy... on the other hand I'm not sure whether the last conversation we had was just his way of letting me down gently and he just wasn't really into me.
What now though, stay angry and ignore him when I see him? be civil? attempt a distant but civil friendship?? This whole relationship feels completely unresolved and its just hard to know what to do, how to feel, and how to act. Please help me clarify the situation in my own mind so I can move on. Thanks.
Ultimately, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't really matter what his deal was - whether he genuinely had feelings for you but has issues with intimacy, whether he wasn't really into you and was just trying to let you down gently, whether he had feelings for you but then decided to reconnect with an ex, whether he had been having doubts about his sexual orientation and decided to explore that, or whatever else. It's not worth spending your emotional energy puzzling through: ultimately, you can't know, and it wouldn't help you even if you could know. The take-home point for you is that, for whatever reason, it is impossible for him to have a relationship with you. People reveal who they are, and this is who he is and where he is at.
The corollary of this is that you are also allowed to be who you are and where you are at - i.e., hurt and angry. You are under no obligation to be friends with him - whether you feel like he treated you poorly and you no longer respect him as a friend, or whether spending time with him is just simply too painful. In fact, given that your feeling are still raw, I would advise against a friendship at this point, even a nominal one. In your shoes, when I encountered him I wouldn't allow him a nominal friendship, nor would I show my upset by being angry or ignoring him. I would simply be civil with him in the polite but distant sort of manner in which you'd treat someone at a class reunion about whom you had vague negative memories from high school - in other words, answer any direct questions politely but briefly, and don't engage with him otherwise. The immediacy of the hurt will dull over time, especially once you meet someone new.
Also, you say that the whole relationship feels "completely unresolved". Unfortunately, as far as I am concerned, the idea of "closure" is a myth, in the sense that it isn't something that you can gain from external circumstances. Often, the desire for "closure" is really a desire to reopen the situation (not close it), and to reengage with the person at any cost. But unfortunately, this will bring the opposite of closure. Any real "closure" you get is something you yourself need to give to yourself, by determining to move on and ceasing to allow it to take up precious mental real estate. And that is what I recommend you do: whenever you find yourself thinking of him, instead head out on a run, call up a friend to have coffee with, go on OkC and exchange a few messages, concentrate on your work, go out to a social activity, or whatever else you need to do to distract yourself. It will get easier over time.
posted by ClaireBear at 10:15 PM on September 27, 2014 [15 favorites]
The corollary of this is that you are also allowed to be who you are and where you are at - i.e., hurt and angry. You are under no obligation to be friends with him - whether you feel like he treated you poorly and you no longer respect him as a friend, or whether spending time with him is just simply too painful. In fact, given that your feeling are still raw, I would advise against a friendship at this point, even a nominal one. In your shoes, when I encountered him I wouldn't allow him a nominal friendship, nor would I show my upset by being angry or ignoring him. I would simply be civil with him in the polite but distant sort of manner in which you'd treat someone at a class reunion about whom you had vague negative memories from high school - in other words, answer any direct questions politely but briefly, and don't engage with him otherwise. The immediacy of the hurt will dull over time, especially once you meet someone new.
Also, you say that the whole relationship feels "completely unresolved". Unfortunately, as far as I am concerned, the idea of "closure" is a myth, in the sense that it isn't something that you can gain from external circumstances. Often, the desire for "closure" is really a desire to reopen the situation (not close it), and to reengage with the person at any cost. But unfortunately, this will bring the opposite of closure. Any real "closure" you get is something you yourself need to give to yourself, by determining to move on and ceasing to allow it to take up precious mental real estate. And that is what I recommend you do: whenever you find yourself thinking of him, instead head out on a run, call up a friend to have coffee with, go on OkC and exchange a few messages, concentrate on your work, go out to a social activity, or whatever else you need to do to distract yourself. It will get easier over time.
posted by ClaireBear at 10:15 PM on September 27, 2014 [15 favorites]
I'm sorry you are suffering. I've been there, and I'm sure most people have.
You ask if anger is the right response here. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that anyone outside the relationship can answer that. It turns on whether the other person led you down this path or sent mixed signals and so on. No one else is really in a position to advise you on that; relationships can be little worlds unto themselves.
But here you are with your hurt and anger and these emotions are perfectly understandable even if they are not completely justified (or maybe they are, in fact, completely justified). What to do with them?
I would suggest writing a long letter where you list all of your grievances and all the ways he screwed up and hurt you. And then DONT SEND IT. Let it sit for a while. Perhaps add new things that upset you as they come to you. Finally, after a couple weeks reread the letter, reflect on things that you have learned from the experience, and delete the letter or print it out and burn it, and say "I'm done." While it may feel silly, make a little ritual out of it. From that point forward, do your best to refocus your energy on things that are Not Him. If you actually do something like this, your encounters with him will not be all rainbows and smiley faces, but I think they will be less fraught because you will have expressed and processed your emotions in another way.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:15 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]
You ask if anger is the right response here. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that anyone outside the relationship can answer that. It turns on whether the other person led you down this path or sent mixed signals and so on. No one else is really in a position to advise you on that; relationships can be little worlds unto themselves.
But here you are with your hurt and anger and these emotions are perfectly understandable even if they are not completely justified (or maybe they are, in fact, completely justified). What to do with them?
I would suggest writing a long letter where you list all of your grievances and all the ways he screwed up and hurt you. And then DONT SEND IT. Let it sit for a while. Perhaps add new things that upset you as they come to you. Finally, after a couple weeks reread the letter, reflect on things that you have learned from the experience, and delete the letter or print it out and burn it, and say "I'm done." While it may feel silly, make a little ritual out of it. From that point forward, do your best to refocus your energy on things that are Not Him. If you actually do something like this, your encounters with him will not be all rainbows and smiley faces, but I think they will be less fraught because you will have expressed and processed your emotions in another way.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:15 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Also, I think you really should ruminate about the fact that the man about whom you felt (and still feel) this -
I did feel a connection with him that I have not really felt before (I'm mid thirties) and could be more myself in many ways with him than with anyone else I have ever met.
- is the same man who did this to you:
The relationship ended after a particularly romantic evening, a few days later. Basically he said he thought we were "heading into a very serious relationship" and needed to either take the brakes off and go for it or "just stay friends" and see "if anything romantic develops".. I told him he needed to decide and he said at that point he was more comfortable with just being friends but wanted to continue to see me and loved my company etc..
Honestly, bullet dodged, I say.
posted by ClaireBear at 10:22 PM on September 27, 2014 [10 favorites]
I did feel a connection with him that I have not really felt before (I'm mid thirties) and could be more myself in many ways with him than with anyone else I have ever met.
- is the same man who did this to you:
The relationship ended after a particularly romantic evening, a few days later. Basically he said he thought we were "heading into a very serious relationship" and needed to either take the brakes off and go for it or "just stay friends" and see "if anything romantic develops".. I told him he needed to decide and he said at that point he was more comfortable with just being friends but wanted to continue to see me and loved my company etc..
Honestly, bullet dodged, I say.
posted by ClaireBear at 10:22 PM on September 27, 2014 [10 favorites]
having a hard time knowing how to deal with him when I see him. I am incredibly hurt and pretty angry
Stop seeing him? I mean, it makes you unhappy to see him, which is normal. Also, he sounds dishonest: talk is cheap and if he really wanted a serious relationship from the beginning the sex should have increased his interest/commitment. I'd say exclude him from your social circle, refuse to work with him professionally, and feel free to tell people you don't like him. I assume that it's not OK to lead people on, so you have little to gain from pretending what he did was OK. Or, if it is OK to lead people on, then go friend-zone some guys until you feel better.
this must be tied up with childhood stuff or old trauma
I don't know what other stuff you're thinking of but being dumped for no good reason is unpleasant in itself.
posted by sninctown at 11:00 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]
Stop seeing him? I mean, it makes you unhappy to see him, which is normal. Also, he sounds dishonest: talk is cheap and if he really wanted a serious relationship from the beginning the sex should have increased his interest/commitment. I'd say exclude him from your social circle, refuse to work with him professionally, and feel free to tell people you don't like him. I assume that it's not OK to lead people on, so you have little to gain from pretending what he did was OK. Or, if it is OK to lead people on, then go friend-zone some guys until you feel better.
this must be tied up with childhood stuff or old trauma
I don't know what other stuff you're thinking of but being dumped for no good reason is unpleasant in itself.
posted by sninctown at 11:00 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]
Sometimes people just get under your skin. It sucks when you don't get under theirs.
My usual advice with any breakup that lingers is to create some kind of ritual for yourself to acknowledge your feelings, let go of them, and say goodbye. The actual form of that ritual should be whatever is meaningful to you, and I hasten to add I mean 'ritual' in the sense of a deliberate time-limited set of behaviours to achieve a specific mental and emotional result, not necessarily religious. Burn a photograph, go to a restaurant where you had a date and have a fantastic solo meal, have a Two Minute Hate--whatever works for you.
As for how to deal with him when you run into him: be polite and cordial, same as you'd be with any other human. You've set your boundaries about how involved he is allowed to be in your life; that's healthy and good! So just apply the same amount of social lubrication, as necessary, as you'd apply to anyone else you don't particularly want to be anything more than nodding acquaintances with.
Also, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, for what it's worth.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:47 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]
My usual advice with any breakup that lingers is to create some kind of ritual for yourself to acknowledge your feelings, let go of them, and say goodbye. The actual form of that ritual should be whatever is meaningful to you, and I hasten to add I mean 'ritual' in the sense of a deliberate time-limited set of behaviours to achieve a specific mental and emotional result, not necessarily religious. Burn a photograph, go to a restaurant where you had a date and have a fantastic solo meal, have a Two Minute Hate--whatever works for you.
As for how to deal with him when you run into him: be polite and cordial, same as you'd be with any other human. You've set your boundaries about how involved he is allowed to be in your life; that's healthy and good! So just apply the same amount of social lubrication, as necessary, as you'd apply to anyone else you don't particularly want to be anything more than nodding acquaintances with.
Also, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, for what it's worth.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:47 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]
Block him on ALL social media. I'm sorry you're hurting, I know the feeling.
posted by evil_esto at 2:42 AM on September 28, 2014
posted by evil_esto at 2:42 AM on September 28, 2014
Way back in my long forgotten youth I was hung up on a guy I saw every day at happy hour. He acted like he was into me, asked for my number, etc. I was game to date him, but he never went there. His BOSS saw us together and told him we'd make a cute couple. I pined over this yutz.
I am 100% sure that if we actually went on a date, I would have been bored out of my mind. But instead of getting to know him through actual conversation, I focused on all the reasons he was acting like a twerp. "Oh, he's just not used to dating a fat girl, it's peer pressure. Oh, he's really busy at work. Oh, he's making me jealous." Basically, all the reasons the book, He's Just Not That Into You, was written.
So I never even got to the point where you were, and yet I mourned what never happened as though it was a relationship, because I had invested feelings into this nonsense.
So, our happy hour hang out didn't change, so I got to see 'hair-man' every day after work. And I actually had to do a ritual to say goodbye to the unhealthy bullshit. I made a mix-tape (you may have to google the term) full of songs about how great it is to be rid of someone who just isn't the right one. I did a lot of pampering. Finally I could see him for what he was. A trifling asshole. By that time, happy hour didn't seem so important any more.
We live, we learn, we move on.
So make a playlist of songs that make you feel empowered. Pamper yourself. Stop making excuses for him, and acknowledge your disappointment. You're on the right track, It'll take time, but if you can just not deal with him, it helps a LOT!
Hang in there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:45 AM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
I am 100% sure that if we actually went on a date, I would have been bored out of my mind. But instead of getting to know him through actual conversation, I focused on all the reasons he was acting like a twerp. "Oh, he's just not used to dating a fat girl, it's peer pressure. Oh, he's really busy at work. Oh, he's making me jealous." Basically, all the reasons the book, He's Just Not That Into You, was written.
So I never even got to the point where you were, and yet I mourned what never happened as though it was a relationship, because I had invested feelings into this nonsense.
So, our happy hour hang out didn't change, so I got to see 'hair-man' every day after work. And I actually had to do a ritual to say goodbye to the unhealthy bullshit. I made a mix-tape (you may have to google the term) full of songs about how great it is to be rid of someone who just isn't the right one. I did a lot of pampering. Finally I could see him for what he was. A trifling asshole. By that time, happy hour didn't seem so important any more.
We live, we learn, we move on.
So make a playlist of songs that make you feel empowered. Pamper yourself. Stop making excuses for him, and acknowledge your disappointment. You're on the right track, It'll take time, but if you can just not deal with him, it helps a LOT!
Hang in there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:45 AM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
What now though, stay angry and ignore him when I see him? be civil? attempt a distant but civil friendship?? This whole relationship feels completely unresolved and its just hard to know what to do, how to feel, and how to act. Please help me clarify the situation in my own mind so I can move on. Thanks.
It sounds to me like you're trying to decide how to feel, when you know how you feel: angry, sad, frustrated. Maybe you want to feel otherwise, but you can't chose your feelings. So if you're trying to choose a "game plan" in regards to this guy, don't. Just be how you are. Do you feel like talking? Talk, but know that this dude's got issues and is limited. Feel hurt and don't want to talk? Don't talk, let others speak in the group.
Are you worried with the "right way" to handle things? Are you concerned about being gracious, correct, forgiving, understanding? You can radically accept his limitations and honor your experience. Don't throw yourself under the bus here. You're sad, you want more than what he's willing to give. You can respect his boundaries without stuffing down your feelings.
Obviously I was rather unimpressed with the second part of what was being said and not being one to argue with someone who isn't totally into me I told him he needed to decide and he said at that point he was more comfortable with just being friends but wanted to continue to see me and loved my company etc. I accepted this graciously and that was it.
You don't necessarily have to accept this graciously. "Sorry, but I don't want to be just friends." is a totally ok response here. "I feel deeply for you, and either we date or we don't." is another. You don't have to torture yourself with being 'the good guy' here.
I'm sorry this happened. Hugs.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:15 AM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like you're trying to decide how to feel, when you know how you feel: angry, sad, frustrated. Maybe you want to feel otherwise, but you can't chose your feelings. So if you're trying to choose a "game plan" in regards to this guy, don't. Just be how you are. Do you feel like talking? Talk, but know that this dude's got issues and is limited. Feel hurt and don't want to talk? Don't talk, let others speak in the group.
Are you worried with the "right way" to handle things? Are you concerned about being gracious, correct, forgiving, understanding? You can radically accept his limitations and honor your experience. Don't throw yourself under the bus here. You're sad, you want more than what he's willing to give. You can respect his boundaries without stuffing down your feelings.
Obviously I was rather unimpressed with the second part of what was being said and not being one to argue with someone who isn't totally into me I told him he needed to decide and he said at that point he was more comfortable with just being friends but wanted to continue to see me and loved my company etc. I accepted this graciously and that was it.
You don't necessarily have to accept this graciously. "Sorry, but I don't want to be just friends." is a totally ok response here. "I feel deeply for you, and either we date or we don't." is another. You don't have to torture yourself with being 'the good guy' here.
I'm sorry this happened. Hugs.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:15 AM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
It's a hard lesson to learn, but don't trust it to last when a guy falls hard and fast for a girl. They often get over the limerence just as quickly. It's a knee-jerk reaction to the guy feeling out of control, and his wanting to get that sense of control back. He doesn't trust how he was feeling, so he discredits it. A sharp end to the exciting limerence phase. The realities of being in a relationship starts to dawn on him. For someone who is usually single, used to the bachelor life, that can be an intimidating prospect because it seems like a big change. He thinks about the relationship, and figures you're a great person but there's something critical missing (an actual romantic connection, which hasn't been established for him yet). That connection takes time, but either he doesn't have the experience to know that, or enough interest in being in a relationship to see if it happens*. So he thinks this isn't really working out after all, and bails. It really wasn't you, it was him.
It sucks because while they're in limerence, they shower you with attention and say exciting things like "I'm so into you" and "I've never been so attracted to someone" etc. It's hard not to get swept away. Then he does a 180 on you, and it's so confusing and feels like you've been cheated.
Clearly I've been here more than once. I dealt with it by a) learning to not dwell on quick fizzles for long, eventually chalking the guy up to being a moron who didn't know what he had, and feeling inspired to keep on dating, and b) recognizing that this is a prime case of when you need to slow things down in a relationship, when a guy seems to go full-throttle right away. Keep that limerence in check - allow yourself to enjoy it, sure, but don't let it drive the relationship. Be skeptical, and draw things out. Stretch out the time between dates, stay busy with other things. Because now you know this quick fizzle might happen, and your goal is to achieve the mutual romantic connection, not let limerence burn things out prematurely.
* I've found that a lot of guys settle down due to the right circumstances, not ideal compatibility. A guy might think he wants to be in a relationship so he dates. But he's not actually ready for partnership, he's just interested in the fun and companionship, so he avoids anything serious. Then one day it clicks in his head that yes he does want to settle down, and he sticks with the next partner who's fairly compatible. Your takeaway - keep on dating too.
posted by lizbunny at 10:39 AM on September 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
It sucks because while they're in limerence, they shower you with attention and say exciting things like "I'm so into you" and "I've never been so attracted to someone" etc. It's hard not to get swept away. Then he does a 180 on you, and it's so confusing and feels like you've been cheated.
Clearly I've been here more than once. I dealt with it by a) learning to not dwell on quick fizzles for long, eventually chalking the guy up to being a moron who didn't know what he had, and feeling inspired to keep on dating, and b) recognizing that this is a prime case of when you need to slow things down in a relationship, when a guy seems to go full-throttle right away. Keep that limerence in check - allow yourself to enjoy it, sure, but don't let it drive the relationship. Be skeptical, and draw things out. Stretch out the time between dates, stay busy with other things. Because now you know this quick fizzle might happen, and your goal is to achieve the mutual romantic connection, not let limerence burn things out prematurely.
* I've found that a lot of guys settle down due to the right circumstances, not ideal compatibility. A guy might think he wants to be in a relationship so he dates. But he's not actually ready for partnership, he's just interested in the fun and companionship, so he avoids anything serious. Then one day it clicks in his head that yes he does want to settle down, and he sticks with the next partner who's fairly compatible. Your takeaway - keep on dating too.
posted by lizbunny at 10:39 AM on September 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about it, tbh. So you were mistaken about his intentions and he's not who you thought he was. The guy who you wanted him to be is the guy you are looking for.
He's not your problem anymore. Every time you see him, be glad it's over now. He showed you he's not good enough for you. Be pleasant and indifferent.
posted by discopolo at 11:47 AM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
He's not your problem anymore. Every time you see him, be glad it's over now. He showed you he's not good enough for you. Be pleasant and indifferent.
posted by discopolo at 11:47 AM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also, you're fine. He's childish and weird. If he marries the next girl he dates, think of all the insane amount of emotional work she'll have to put in with an indecisive guy like that. He'll always have FOMO. Don't waste your time.
posted by discopolo at 11:50 AM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 11:50 AM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
I found this helpful when I was obsessing over someone whose lips said yes but whose behaviour said no, no, no!
http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes
posted by Bella Donna at 12:49 PM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes
posted by Bella Donna at 12:49 PM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Well I'm going to disagree with everyone, particularly you, and nobody will agree with me. This individual was asking, not in a terribly artful way admittedly, that at "1-2 months" into a relationship you slow things down. Is this really unreasonable? He was clear he wanted to keep seeing you. It's not clear if part of the space he was asking for was to be non-exclusive; if it was that is a much clearer deal breaker - but if it wasn't, I don't know that I agree that insisting someone be "totally into you" at two months in is reasonable.
And your response to this wasn't honest. You say you were unwilling to "argue" over it but it's not clear to me that argument was the only alternative. You could have had a real conversation with him about the fact that you already felt that something romantic had developed, that what you wanted and sort of expected was for things to move into more serious territory, not less so, and that you were disappointed for him to be apparently looking to move backwards. You say you accepted it graciously, but you didn't really accept it and gracious was not how you were feeling about it. He never had the opportunity to react to your real feelings about what he said.
I'm biased on this topic because I was in this position a long time ago - I wanted a right now, unreserved commitment from someone who at that moment needed space and time - and it almost sunk the relationship, which was a lot further on and in than yours. And yes, perhaps my case was worth a greater risk because it was more serious. But if I hadn't decided I was willing to risk a period of doubt and uncertainty because the person I was with needed that, I would have lost that relationship, which ended up being the person I stayed with and eventually married.
Anyway I'm in a minority of one here and regardless of my experience I may well be wrong about this particular instance. And it seems like it's a moot point since you're set against reconsidering the relationship. But I think you should reconsider whether he deserves your anger - whether his actions really merited it. Maybe trying to look at it as just an unfortunate situation where two people were at too different places over a relationship would make it easier to get beyond it.
posted by nanojath at 12:58 PM on September 28, 2014 [6 favorites]
And your response to this wasn't honest. You say you were unwilling to "argue" over it but it's not clear to me that argument was the only alternative. You could have had a real conversation with him about the fact that you already felt that something romantic had developed, that what you wanted and sort of expected was for things to move into more serious territory, not less so, and that you were disappointed for him to be apparently looking to move backwards. You say you accepted it graciously, but you didn't really accept it and gracious was not how you were feeling about it. He never had the opportunity to react to your real feelings about what he said.
I'm biased on this topic because I was in this position a long time ago - I wanted a right now, unreserved commitment from someone who at that moment needed space and time - and it almost sunk the relationship, which was a lot further on and in than yours. And yes, perhaps my case was worth a greater risk because it was more serious. But if I hadn't decided I was willing to risk a period of doubt and uncertainty because the person I was with needed that, I would have lost that relationship, which ended up being the person I stayed with and eventually married.
Anyway I'm in a minority of one here and regardless of my experience I may well be wrong about this particular instance. And it seems like it's a moot point since you're set against reconsidering the relationship. But I think you should reconsider whether he deserves your anger - whether his actions really merited it. Maybe trying to look at it as just an unfortunate situation where two people were at too different places over a relationship would make it easier to get beyond it.
posted by nanojath at 12:58 PM on September 28, 2014 [6 favorites]
There are people in this world who have an ability to take things from Just Dating to Holy Gods, This Connection Is Intense in record time. What's heartbreaking though is how many of said folks are addicted to that rush, and how fast they can discard people when they come to a point where the needle stops redlining and it's time to try and build something real.
All you can do is shake it off and remember this feeling, so that its recollection can protect you against similar manipulations in the future.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:02 PM on September 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
All you can do is shake it off and remember this feeling, so that its recollection can protect you against similar manipulations in the future.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:02 PM on September 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
I am sort of with nanojath on this one and sort of not. He didn't say slow it down. He broached the topic of "we need to make a decision as to which way this will go." And you put it back on him to decide -- unilaterally. That's not a relationship. A relationship involves input from both parties. Your response may be the reason he decided on "let's just be friends."
It doesn't sound to me like he has trouble with intimacy. It sounds to me like you do. When he put the possibility of deciding to be "serious" on the table, you did not own up to how you already felt. You did not tell him this was already a big deal to you, you already thought this was some grand romance, you were hurt that he did not, etc. You told him to make a decision and then you got mad about the decision he made.
My therapist used to tell me that anger is generally a cover for hurt and the hurt doesn't heal until you can get past the anger and deal with the actual hurt. It's easy to be angry. It feels safe. It is a cover for vulnerability. It is a kind of armor.
You might try blogging/journaling, comicking about how you feel, talking to a therapist and all the usual ways one can work through their feelings. Alternately, or perhaps after working past the worst of it on your own, you might also try telling the guy, in a non-blamey way, that you had these big feels and you had hoped for more. At this point, the odds are probably pretty low that it will lead to the big R "relationship" you were hoping for, but perhaps it would clear the air.
I have done that kind of thing a few times. Sometimes, it means we stay friends and the friendship is genuine instead of being a false friendship where we walk on eggshells and attempt to be civil. Sometimes, it means we never speak again. (And sometimes there are other outcomes, not relevant here.) For me, I think either of those outcomes is generally better than pretending we are friends and pretending I am not seriously hurting while trying to endure something awful.
posted by Michele in California at 3:20 PM on September 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
It doesn't sound to me like he has trouble with intimacy. It sounds to me like you do. When he put the possibility of deciding to be "serious" on the table, you did not own up to how you already felt. You did not tell him this was already a big deal to you, you already thought this was some grand romance, you were hurt that he did not, etc. You told him to make a decision and then you got mad about the decision he made.
My therapist used to tell me that anger is generally a cover for hurt and the hurt doesn't heal until you can get past the anger and deal with the actual hurt. It's easy to be angry. It feels safe. It is a cover for vulnerability. It is a kind of armor.
You might try blogging/journaling, comicking about how you feel, talking to a therapist and all the usual ways one can work through their feelings. Alternately, or perhaps after working past the worst of it on your own, you might also try telling the guy, in a non-blamey way, that you had these big feels and you had hoped for more. At this point, the odds are probably pretty low that it will lead to the big R "relationship" you were hoping for, but perhaps it would clear the air.
I have done that kind of thing a few times. Sometimes, it means we stay friends and the friendship is genuine instead of being a false friendship where we walk on eggshells and attempt to be civil. Sometimes, it means we never speak again. (And sometimes there are other outcomes, not relevant here.) For me, I think either of those outcomes is generally better than pretending we are friends and pretending I am not seriously hurting while trying to endure something awful.
posted by Michele in California at 3:20 PM on September 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Additional details - Nanojath, Michele in California - I told him at the time that I wanted to keep seeing him and see what developed, and that I liked him a lot. When he said he wanted to keep it to friends, I told him I was very disappointed, but yes, at that point there was not a lot more to do other than accept it. I think I was pretty clear on my feelings, although it was obvious he was feeling insecure and possibly I could have done more to reassure him, which is one of the regrets I take away from this whole fiasco.
I should also add that this conversation took place during a lunch hour at work, hardly the time or place for a serious and meaningful discussion about the direction of a relationship. And yes, he most certainly meant a non-exclusive paring back, as we had not discussed exclusivity at this point anyway.
I have also since found out that he had romantic feelings about a friend he was going to visit on an upcoming trip - I knew about the friend and the visit, but not the feelings, I found this out from a mutual friend. So I don't think he was completely honest with me.
In my experience, the way to enter a serious relationship is to let it gently evolve by giving the relationship the time, nurturance and respect it deserves, not by forcing a conversation the way this happened. Also I asked him when he had made his decision and he said the day after our romantic date, so I feel on some level the decision had been made before he put the "options" on the table.
posted by ss79 at 6:37 PM on September 28, 2014
I should also add that this conversation took place during a lunch hour at work, hardly the time or place for a serious and meaningful discussion about the direction of a relationship. And yes, he most certainly meant a non-exclusive paring back, as we had not discussed exclusivity at this point anyway.
I have also since found out that he had romantic feelings about a friend he was going to visit on an upcoming trip - I knew about the friend and the visit, but not the feelings, I found this out from a mutual friend. So I don't think he was completely honest with me.
In my experience, the way to enter a serious relationship is to let it gently evolve by giving the relationship the time, nurturance and respect it deserves, not by forcing a conversation the way this happened. Also I asked him when he had made his decision and he said the day after our romantic date, so I feel on some level the decision had been made before he put the "options" on the table.
posted by ss79 at 6:37 PM on September 28, 2014
Anger is never the right response, because it hurts you. Try to move past it, even though you're understandably hurt. But yes, the break up was shitty. I'm sorry.
Be civil, but don't try to be friends. Just be civil if you happen to see him.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:44 PM on September 28, 2014
Be civil, but don't try to be friends. Just be civil if you happen to see him.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:44 PM on September 28, 2014
ss79, given your elaboration I have to concede that my previous answer feels a lot more like me projecting my experiences on a much different situation. It sure does sound like someone backing out on a promising relationship, and not in a very kind or forthright way. In similar situations I never managed much better than to allow my bitter feelings their time while trying to minimize my interaction and contact - not much new or good advice from me. It's rotten feeling like you were the one who kissed and got offered the cheek.
posted by nanojath at 10:39 PM on September 28, 2014
posted by nanojath at 10:39 PM on September 28, 2014
I find this whole description of events a little confusing, but when it comes down to it, it basically sounds like after a couple of months of dating:
1. you were really into this guy
2. he wasn't ready for the committment you wanted
3. he didn't deal with that fact in the best/most mature way
However. It doesn't sound like he dealt with it the WORST way ever, just in a way that was kind of awkward. And that news is never going to be awesome to hear...no matter how well someone plans out the conversation, the news of "you want a committment and I do not" is never going to NOT HURT.
My take on this is that of course you're well within your rights to feel hurt and upset about being rejected, but that doesn't necessarily make this person a bad guy. It is tough to know how to deal with that type of situation from his end, and I think few people deal with it perfectly. Although it is fine to feel anger if you want to feel anger, I wouldn't take action based on that anger because, at least from what you've included here, it doesn't seem like there was a huge ethical violation here (i.e. cheating, being really mean, serious deception, etc.) -- but rather more awkwardness/mismatch of intentions and intensity of feeling. Also, I think you will probably find more closure by finding a way to forgive and framing the situation as "The fact that I wanted a committment and he did not is something NEITHER of us could control, and it meant that regardless of how things went down, the situation was going to suck big time." This doesn't mean you need to become friends with him -- I think it is perfectly, perfectly fine to say "I don't think you're an evil person for this, but at the same time I have no interest in friendship." But I do think letting go of it as this huge thing will help you heal.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:08 AM on September 29, 2014
1. you were really into this guy
2. he wasn't ready for the committment you wanted
3. he didn't deal with that fact in the best/most mature way
However. It doesn't sound like he dealt with it the WORST way ever, just in a way that was kind of awkward. And that news is never going to be awesome to hear...no matter how well someone plans out the conversation, the news of "you want a committment and I do not" is never going to NOT HURT.
My take on this is that of course you're well within your rights to feel hurt and upset about being rejected, but that doesn't necessarily make this person a bad guy. It is tough to know how to deal with that type of situation from his end, and I think few people deal with it perfectly. Although it is fine to feel anger if you want to feel anger, I wouldn't take action based on that anger because, at least from what you've included here, it doesn't seem like there was a huge ethical violation here (i.e. cheating, being really mean, serious deception, etc.) -- but rather more awkwardness/mismatch of intentions and intensity of feeling. Also, I think you will probably find more closure by finding a way to forgive and framing the situation as "The fact that I wanted a committment and he did not is something NEITHER of us could control, and it meant that regardless of how things went down, the situation was going to suck big time." This doesn't mean you need to become friends with him -- I think it is perfectly, perfectly fine to say "I don't think you're an evil person for this, but at the same time I have no interest in friendship." But I do think letting go of it as this huge thing will help you heal.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:08 AM on September 29, 2014
I'm sorry, ss79, but all I have to go on are the words you wrote and the story you told. And they don't make sense to me. I'm wondering if you left out some details that are important to the situation?
First off: I'm assuming that you are female, in your mid-thirties, and this fellow was the first guy you ever really "bonded" with[1].
So things were going really well for a month or two until
Here's the part I don't understand:
One thought I had: did you two have sex with each other on your "romantic evening"? In trying to make sense of your story, I assumed there was stuff you didn't mention, and one possible scenario is: you two have been getting along well, then comes "romantic evening", he wants sex but you tell him "no".
There are other scenarios: you're the one who wants sex, but he says "no". Or maybe you do have sex, and afterwards talk about what each of you expect from a sexual relationship, and y'all have expectations that don't align well.
For the sake of this discussion, I'm going to assume the first scenario. Which makes the story a lot easier to understand: you two were being romantic, but you said no to having sex. He did some thinking and at lunch he said "we could have a really serious relationship, but there needs to be sex, or else I think we need to be just friends". And you said "I'd like a serious relationship with you, but it can't involve sex". And then you pushed the question back to him: "given that we're not going to have sex, what do you want to do?" And he answered "I'm afraid we'll just have to be friends". When you mention that he had made his "decision" the day after your romantic evening, I'm guessing that he decided "I can't be in a serious relationship with her if it's non-sexual".
The other scenarios play out similarly so I won't spend time on them.
I could have details wrong, or even the entire thing wrong - again, all I have to go on are the words you wrote. But the way it's currently written, I cannot understand why you chose to be "unimpressed" with him offering to Get Serious - which is what you wanted. Isn't it?
All that said: if it is indeed some kind of sex issue that shut everything down, and if the guy was really that 'special', perhaps you could investigate some kind of compromise? Ie, "no sex until we've been dating for 6 months".
Also, it occurs to me that you might be a 'late bloomer', and maybe the reason this guy felt special to you is because you're finally opening yourself up to these kinds of relationships. In which case you may well find someone new and better. I think it's generally accepted that the best cure for a broken heart is to find someone new.
As for your question "is anger really the appropriate response?": well, you're only human. But you might want to consider that the root cause of your anger is not that he did something bad to you. The root cause of your anger is that he's not doing what you want him to do.
---
[1] "I did feel a connection with him that I have not really felt before (I'm mid thirties) and could be more myself in many ways with him than with anyone else I have ever met."
posted by doctor tough love at 10:29 AM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
First off: I'm assuming that you are female, in your mid-thirties, and this fellow was the first guy you ever really "bonded" with[1].
So things were going really well for a month or two until
... after a particularly romantic evening, a few days later. Basically he said he thought we were "heading into a very serious relationship" and needed to either take the brakes off and go for it or "just stay friends" and see "if anything romantic develops".If I may rephrase, he said y'all were at a fork in the road, and could either 'take the brakes off' and become a serious couple, or 'just stay friends'. It sounds like he was asking you which way you wanted to go.
Here's the part I don't understand:
Obviously I was rather unimpressed with the second part of what was being said and not being one to argue with someone who isn't totally into me I told him he needed to decide and he said at that point he was more comfortable with just being friends ...It's not at all obvious to me why you were "unimpressed" and why you didn't just say "yes, let's go for it!"
One thought I had: did you two have sex with each other on your "romantic evening"? In trying to make sense of your story, I assumed there was stuff you didn't mention, and one possible scenario is: you two have been getting along well, then comes "romantic evening", he wants sex but you tell him "no".
There are other scenarios: you're the one who wants sex, but he says "no". Or maybe you do have sex, and afterwards talk about what each of you expect from a sexual relationship, and y'all have expectations that don't align well.
For the sake of this discussion, I'm going to assume the first scenario. Which makes the story a lot easier to understand: you two were being romantic, but you said no to having sex. He did some thinking and at lunch he said "we could have a really serious relationship, but there needs to be sex, or else I think we need to be just friends". And you said "I'd like a serious relationship with you, but it can't involve sex". And then you pushed the question back to him: "given that we're not going to have sex, what do you want to do?" And he answered "I'm afraid we'll just have to be friends". When you mention that he had made his "decision" the day after your romantic evening, I'm guessing that he decided "I can't be in a serious relationship with her if it's non-sexual".
The other scenarios play out similarly so I won't spend time on them.
I could have details wrong, or even the entire thing wrong - again, all I have to go on are the words you wrote. But the way it's currently written, I cannot understand why you chose to be "unimpressed" with him offering to Get Serious - which is what you wanted. Isn't it?
All that said: if it is indeed some kind of sex issue that shut everything down, and if the guy was really that 'special', perhaps you could investigate some kind of compromise? Ie, "no sex until we've been dating for 6 months".
Also, it occurs to me that you might be a 'late bloomer', and maybe the reason this guy felt special to you is because you're finally opening yourself up to these kinds of relationships. In which case you may well find someone new and better. I think it's generally accepted that the best cure for a broken heart is to find someone new.
As for your question "is anger really the appropriate response?": well, you're only human. But you might want to consider that the root cause of your anger is not that he did something bad to you. The root cause of your anger is that he's not doing what you want him to do.
---
[1] "I did feel a connection with him that I have not really felt before (I'm mid thirties) and could be more myself in many ways with him than with anyone else I have ever met."
posted by doctor tough love at 10:29 AM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Doctor tough love - wouldn't really say I'm a late bloomer (been in 3 long term 2-3 year relationships), although fair to say I've had some struggles with relationships. I was disappointed he was putting the options on the table and saying he wasn't sure if our connection was a romantic one, when I thought he was feeling as good about things as me. Yes, sex was an issue. He had put the brakes on previously, when he wouldn't allow me stay over or for anything to really happen. The night I talk about was the first night I stayed over and no, we didn't sleep together. He didn't really try for that, I wanted to be respectfully of the boundaries he had put down before, and I didn't want to go from zero to 100 so to speak. I found out after from friends it sounds like it was disappointed that didn't happen and might have read it as rejection. He had previously been very clear about his sexual boundaries and I wanted to respect him. The whole situation is a mess.
posted by ss79 at 6:23 PM on September 29, 2014
posted by ss79 at 6:23 PM on September 29, 2014
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The sooner you "honor" your anger, the quicker you can process the whole thing and move on. Like, maybe mark a day on your calendar where for 5 hrs straight you will freely seeth and really really hate on this guy.
Ha ha! You know what?
You will probably run out of steam about the whole affair after about 30 minutes. And that's the point.
----
I don't know how you should treat him when you see him.
I'm sure it would be satisfying to ignore him, but that's just a way of prolonging the drama and your relationship with this headache.
I think you should be gracious on the surface, and underneath, you can pity him. Pity being the lowest compliment you can afford another human being. Pity is even more effective than contempt, because contempt ultimately hurts you and not him. Pity is the way to go here.
Soon you'll forget about this "near miss" relationship if you follow this formula.
(Ideally you could be egalitarian about the whole thing, but I agree that there's something shitty and pathetic going on. I won't say he lead you on, or he's not free to change his mind, but yeaaaah.. it's super weird to get dumped after a particularly romantic and enjoyable date. Full stop. It sounds like he was ultimately unable to be in a committed relationship for some reason, and therefore it was irresponsible for him to get so involved with you in the first place.)
To sum it up - the sooner you accept your anger, the sooner you can forget and move on. Seeing him regularly can become a non-issue fairly quickly.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 10:12 PM on September 27, 2014 [5 favorites]