How do you manage groceries with cohabitation?
September 15, 2014 11:55 AM Subscribe
How do you handle groceries when living with your very-different-eating-style partner?
I started living with my boyfriend about a year ago. We live in NYC, so have access to every conceivable grocery arrangement or store.
Here is where we differ on food:
-Eating out - He eats lunch/dinner out 8-15x / week. I eat out 3-7x a week.
-Planning - I like to plan my meals about a week in advance. He is much more likely to make spontaneous plans.
-Produce - I love fresh produce and make an effort to buy and eat what's local and in season. He is happy to eat some produce, but doesn't seek it out.
-Cooking - He doesn't; I do (a lot). I love to cook, and I like to cook for more than just me, but if he's not contributing, I get frustrated.
-Schedules - He works 40h/week. I'm a full-time student and work 30h/week, but campus is right near our apartment. I'm also more likely to stay in (and study, read, whatever) than he is.
His proposed solution is that he picks up his basics weekly (yogurt, juice, milk, etc.) and pays me a fixed amount per week to cover whatever groceries he eats from me (I do farmers' markets, Trader Joe's, etc.). I feel this is unfair, as then I'm doing all the work of planning out grocery lists and meals and guessing what he'll eat of mine (so that I buy extra), then doing the shopping myself.
He's also offered to do the shopping for any dinners we cook together. I plan these dinners, and would have to give him a list of what's needed.
My proposed solution is a communal grocery list that we split the price for down the middle, and I pay for any items that are just for me (Clif bars, for example). We did this last year. He feels that he ends up paying too much for food he doesn't eat.
My second proposed solution is that we each just do our own damn grocery shopping and he doesn't touch my food. But I buy good, fresh food, and he does like to eat things that I cook. I hate having to sit there and, like, police a box of popsicles! I feel petty and childish, but then I end up buying all this food that he just eats.
Help. I am tearing my hair out and getting irrational about this; I can't figure out what's reasonable. I feel like I am doing a lot of emotional labor on this that's unappreciated. We're both being very clear and respectful at communicating, but I'm still at the brink of tears. I need to decouple this emotionally and I also need a rationality check.
I started living with my boyfriend about a year ago. We live in NYC, so have access to every conceivable grocery arrangement or store.
Here is where we differ on food:
-Eating out - He eats lunch/dinner out 8-15x / week. I eat out 3-7x a week.
-Planning - I like to plan my meals about a week in advance. He is much more likely to make spontaneous plans.
-Produce - I love fresh produce and make an effort to buy and eat what's local and in season. He is happy to eat some produce, but doesn't seek it out.
-Cooking - He doesn't; I do (a lot). I love to cook, and I like to cook for more than just me, but if he's not contributing, I get frustrated.
-Schedules - He works 40h/week. I'm a full-time student and work 30h/week, but campus is right near our apartment. I'm also more likely to stay in (and study, read, whatever) than he is.
His proposed solution is that he picks up his basics weekly (yogurt, juice, milk, etc.) and pays me a fixed amount per week to cover whatever groceries he eats from me (I do farmers' markets, Trader Joe's, etc.). I feel this is unfair, as then I'm doing all the work of planning out grocery lists and meals and guessing what he'll eat of mine (so that I buy extra), then doing the shopping myself.
He's also offered to do the shopping for any dinners we cook together. I plan these dinners, and would have to give him a list of what's needed.
My proposed solution is a communal grocery list that we split the price for down the middle, and I pay for any items that are just for me (Clif bars, for example). We did this last year. He feels that he ends up paying too much for food he doesn't eat.
My second proposed solution is that we each just do our own damn grocery shopping and he doesn't touch my food. But I buy good, fresh food, and he does like to eat things that I cook. I hate having to sit there and, like, police a box of popsicles! I feel petty and childish, but then I end up buying all this food that he just eats.
Help. I am tearing my hair out and getting irrational about this; I can't figure out what's reasonable. I feel like I am doing a lot of emotional labor on this that's unappreciated. We're both being very clear and respectful at communicating, but I'm still at the brink of tears. I need to decouple this emotionally and I also need a rationality check.
Huh. Since you all are working two different budgets, I have to think that you each buying your own food + him kicking in a bit extra for communal meals would help.
No solution is going to be perfect.
posted by heathrowga at 12:01 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
No solution is going to be perfect.
posted by heathrowga at 12:01 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: The work you're doing seems unappreciated because it's work he doesn't see a need for. I'm more like your boyfriend, it doesn't matter to me the specifics.
It's like getting mad because one person irons all their socks and underwear and the other person doesn't. The ironer hates that they feel underappreciated for the extra work they're doing, and the other person is mostly going "WTF why are you even doing this".
So for both your sakes, just keep it separate for now. Let the occasional thing slide - you cook him meals sometimes, and sometimes he takes you out for dinner. Cohabitation is compromise, not convincing someone that your system is the only system...keeping up strict accounting is just going to give you high blood pressure.
posted by aggyface at 12:05 PM on September 15, 2014 [33 favorites]
It's like getting mad because one person irons all their socks and underwear and the other person doesn't. The ironer hates that they feel underappreciated for the extra work they're doing, and the other person is mostly going "WTF why are you even doing this".
So for both your sakes, just keep it separate for now. Let the occasional thing slide - you cook him meals sometimes, and sometimes he takes you out for dinner. Cohabitation is compromise, not convincing someone that your system is the only system...keeping up strict accounting is just going to give you high blood pressure.
posted by aggyface at 12:05 PM on September 15, 2014 [33 favorites]
My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year and we pay for our own groceries. We do have pretty different eating habits/preferences, but at least one night a week we share a meal. Usually he will pay for something for the meal if I am cooking, and I will pay if he is cooking.
There are only a few things I can think of food-wise where we overlap: cereal, coffee, ice cream, frozen pizza. For some reason, I always tend to buy the coffee and cereal and he always buys ice cream and pizzas. Just worked out that way.
Generally if he's going to eat something that I bought - especially if it's a non-staple item (i.e. fresh fruit, which he usually doesn't it), he'll ask before he eats it. Or if he doesn't, he'll replace it if I ask.
posted by anotheraccount at 12:06 PM on September 15, 2014
There are only a few things I can think of food-wise where we overlap: cereal, coffee, ice cream, frozen pizza. For some reason, I always tend to buy the coffee and cereal and he always buys ice cream and pizzas. Just worked out that way.
Generally if he's going to eat something that I bought - especially if it's a non-staple item (i.e. fresh fruit, which he usually doesn't it), he'll ask before he eats it. Or if he doesn't, he'll replace it if I ask.
posted by anotheraccount at 12:06 PM on September 15, 2014
You buy your own groceries with a predetermined amount to be for communal stuff - like produce.
There's no solution to he doesn't like to cook and you do. I think you're a little resentful (which is understandable), but trying to force your partner to be like you doesn't usually end up well. So I would just try accepting that that isn't a battle you'll likely win.
posted by Aranquis at 12:06 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
There's no solution to he doesn't like to cook and you do. I think you're a little resentful (which is understandable), but trying to force your partner to be like you doesn't usually end up well. So I would just try accepting that that isn't a battle you'll likely win.
posted by Aranquis at 12:06 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Instead of trying to split the chores (shopping, cooking) equally, could your boyfriend instead take over laundry and dishes, or something like that?
The way we've handled it for years is that I do the majority of the food shopping, whatever I want and anything he puts on the list. He pays the utilities and it ends up being about equal. We are each responsible for cooking 1 dinner each week. We usually have leftovers 2 nights, go out one night, and have takeout one night, taking turns paying for the restaurant meals.
posted by Kriesa at 12:08 PM on September 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
The way we've handled it for years is that I do the majority of the food shopping, whatever I want and anything he puts on the list. He pays the utilities and it ends up being about equal. We are each responsible for cooking 1 dinner each week. We usually have leftovers 2 nights, go out one night, and have takeout one night, taking turns paying for the restaurant meals.
posted by Kriesa at 12:08 PM on September 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
I am a lot like your boyfriend, and my boyfriend is a lot like you. We basically do your proposed solution, which I think is fair. Sometimes I pay for groceries I don't eat and it's a little annoying but I make more money than my boyfriend does, and I appreciate his cooking (even if I love eating out) so I don't begrudge it. We also do a CSA and we share the cost of it, which is a good way of paying relatively little for some nice produce (and paying upfront, so we don't have to think about it in the future).
I do think that if you're the one who is actually interested in cooking the meals then it's reasonable that you do the lists/planning/shopping, etc. Speaking as someone who's not interested in cooking as an everyday thing, I would be resentful if my boyfriend asked me to do the work of cooking when I would rather just get tacos or whatever. I would suggest that you ask your boyfriend to give you a reasonable amount of notice if he wants to eat what you're cooking for dinner; if you don't know by lunchtime or whatever, you cook dinner and he's on his own.
I'm sorry this is so stressful!
posted by ferret branca at 12:08 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I do think that if you're the one who is actually interested in cooking the meals then it's reasonable that you do the lists/planning/shopping, etc. Speaking as someone who's not interested in cooking as an everyday thing, I would be resentful if my boyfriend asked me to do the work of cooking when I would rather just get tacos or whatever. I would suggest that you ask your boyfriend to give you a reasonable amount of notice if he wants to eat what you're cooking for dinner; if you don't know by lunchtime or whatever, you cook dinner and he's on his own.
I'm sorry this is so stressful!
posted by ferret branca at 12:08 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
You guys sound frustrated. Are there other issues cropping up? How tight is money?
Groceries: who ever has time that week buys the groceries; we know what the other likes to eat. Also the app wunderlist is fabulous for that, you can create a shared grocery list that is automatically synced up. When one person goes shopping, they buy all the stuff on the list. Sometimes he buys the pricy stuff that only I like and sometimes I end up buying $$ meat because I'm at the grocery counter that day. I just stopped counting and it feels a lot better.
Cooking: I cook for me, he makes his own and some days we cook together. Also, anything I make he's free to eat (but he doesn't like it usually) and vice versa. We just share it all.
So we're really just laid back grazers and figure that it all works out in the end.
I used to be really tit-for-tat type and kinda prone to resentment until we sat down and talked about our relationship; we are partners and there is an 'us' here not 'you or me.' The more I felt settled in that, the less 'counting' I was. But our income is pretty comfortable so possibly that makes a difference. Also we've had enough experience with each other to know that neither is a mooch and both people pull their weight, so no one has to keep count since no one is going to take advantage.
Figure out what your balance amount is. If you are $20 uneven, does that bother you? $100 uneven? Figure out that amount to give yourselves some leeway so you don't have to count every last thing.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:12 PM on September 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
Groceries: who ever has time that week buys the groceries; we know what the other likes to eat. Also the app wunderlist is fabulous for that, you can create a shared grocery list that is automatically synced up. When one person goes shopping, they buy all the stuff on the list. Sometimes he buys the pricy stuff that only I like and sometimes I end up buying $$ meat because I'm at the grocery counter that day. I just stopped counting and it feels a lot better.
Cooking: I cook for me, he makes his own and some days we cook together. Also, anything I make he's free to eat (but he doesn't like it usually) and vice versa. We just share it all.
So we're really just laid back grazers and figure that it all works out in the end.
I used to be really tit-for-tat type and kinda prone to resentment until we sat down and talked about our relationship; we are partners and there is an 'us' here not 'you or me.' The more I felt settled in that, the less 'counting' I was. But our income is pretty comfortable so possibly that makes a difference. Also we've had enough experience with each other to know that neither is a mooch and both people pull their weight, so no one has to keep count since no one is going to take advantage.
Figure out what your balance amount is. If you are $20 uneven, does that bother you? $100 uneven? Figure out that amount to give yourselves some leeway so you don't have to count every last thing.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:12 PM on September 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I totally understand where you are coming from, but the work you put in to in terms of meal planning and cooking doesn't have the same value for him as it does for you. I like aggyface's sock ironing comparison. The cooking and meal planning that you do is important to you, takes effort and time, and he probably likes what you make but in reality he would be okay if you didn't do it as well. This is why he isn't factoring all that in to the grocery budget calculation. And as much as I am like you and really NEED a meal plan in advance... it isn't his fault that he doesn't need a meal plan. Know what I mean?
So yes, buy separate groceries. If you decide to have a communal meal, both agree upon it and go buy the groceries for it as a separate grocery store visit and split the cost. If you, yourself, decide to take it upon yourself to make enough for both of you without consultation then I think you're on your own in terms of cost. He didn't ask you to do the work, therefore he shouldn't really be on the hook for it. I mean, what if you came home and he had entirely repainted the house. Sure, it looks great, but you were fine with how it looked before too, and you certainly never asked or expected him to go through all the time and effort of painting the house. He would be way off base if he then demanded you pay for half of the cost of the paint (and maybe some extra for all the hard work he did), right?
Anyway, just buy separate groceries and be super clear with one another that there is only sharing WITH PERMISSION. No grabbing one of your popsicles without asking. No using some of his cheese without asking. The fact that you guys (apparently) need to have separate groceries isn't a big deal. It may feel like a relationship failure, but it totally isn't. If that is the solution then it is a relationship win! What works for you guys is what matters. Sort of like couples who don't share a bed. Some people may be all "Oooooo they don't share a bed, there must be trouble!" or "how unromantic" or whatever, but if it works for them who the fuck cares!?
What works in MY household: My husband and I have a joint grocery budget. We each put in 150$ a pay and that is our money for the month for food. We contribute equally even though he makes ~40% more than I do. We eat very differently (I am keto/gluten free, he eats a pretty standard north american diet) so frankly most of the foods we buy are specific to one of us. Hell, he eats lunch but I never do. I eat two suppers, he eats one. We do have shared foods and join meals sometimes, but in general we're eating different things. He gets the food he wants, I get the food I want. He gets his not-inexpensive treat item of a giant costco container of raw chicken wings, I get my enormous bricks of costco cheese. There are months where more money is spent on "my" foods I'm sure, but there are also times when more is spent on his food. Whatever, it all comes out in the wash.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:19 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
So yes, buy separate groceries. If you decide to have a communal meal, both agree upon it and go buy the groceries for it as a separate grocery store visit and split the cost. If you, yourself, decide to take it upon yourself to make enough for both of you without consultation then I think you're on your own in terms of cost. He didn't ask you to do the work, therefore he shouldn't really be on the hook for it. I mean, what if you came home and he had entirely repainted the house. Sure, it looks great, but you were fine with how it looked before too, and you certainly never asked or expected him to go through all the time and effort of painting the house. He would be way off base if he then demanded you pay for half of the cost of the paint (and maybe some extra for all the hard work he did), right?
Anyway, just buy separate groceries and be super clear with one another that there is only sharing WITH PERMISSION. No grabbing one of your popsicles without asking. No using some of his cheese without asking. The fact that you guys (apparently) need to have separate groceries isn't a big deal. It may feel like a relationship failure, but it totally isn't. If that is the solution then it is a relationship win! What works for you guys is what matters. Sort of like couples who don't share a bed. Some people may be all "Oooooo they don't share a bed, there must be trouble!" or "how unromantic" or whatever, but if it works for them who the fuck cares!?
What works in MY household: My husband and I have a joint grocery budget. We each put in 150$ a pay and that is our money for the month for food. We contribute equally even though he makes ~40% more than I do. We eat very differently (I am keto/gluten free, he eats a pretty standard north american diet) so frankly most of the foods we buy are specific to one of us. Hell, he eats lunch but I never do. I eat two suppers, he eats one. We do have shared foods and join meals sometimes, but in general we're eating different things. He gets the food he wants, I get the food I want. He gets his not-inexpensive treat item of a giant costco container of raw chicken wings, I get my enormous bricks of costco cheese. There are months where more money is spent on "my" foods I'm sure, but there are also times when more is spent on his food. Whatever, it all comes out in the wash.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:19 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
His proposed solution is that he picks up his basics weekly (yogurt, juice, milk, etc.) and pays me a fixed amount per week to cover whatever groceries he eats from me (I do farmers' markets, Trader Joe's, etc.). I feel this is unfair, as then I'm doing all the work
My proposed solution is a communal grocery list that we split the price for down the middle, and I pay for any items that are just for me (Clif bars, for example). We did this last year. He feels that he ends up paying too much for food he doesn't eat.
Well, so make it explicit that he isn't just paying for food but for your labor, cooking skills, etc.
To me, this looks like friction between a female nesting urge and a male desire to ...I am not sure, but be kind of pedantic, as if y'all aren't a couple but are merely roommates or something. I mean, it sounds like you are treating this like a couple trying to hash out married life and he is digging in his heels in part because he wants to keep it more casual and not acknowledge that aspect.
I did the homemaker thing. Let me tell you, I would not cook for a man now as just part of being his girlfriend. I have done a helluva lot of reading and what not about this and men have a bad habit of discounting the time, energy, expertise, opportunity costs and so forth involved in having a woman they sleep with cook for them and take care of them. But, then, I wouldn't likely be living with a boyfriend either. I am of the mindset that you marry me or we play footsies together but otherwise keep our lives separate. Because it seems to almost always be the woman who gets shorted in these domestic arrangements. He gets free cooking and stuff while you are there but that free cooking and stuff is a de facto investment in his career and earning potential and all that but, since y'all are not married, you have no claim to any of the fruits of it
So, if it were me, I think I would tell him explicitly that since he likes my cooking and choice in foods and so forth enough to want to eat what I make, then pay me for the labor. Or stop eating my food and just feed his damn self. But I'm kinda old and crotchety. YMMV.
posted by Michele in California at 12:20 PM on September 15, 2014 [21 favorites]
My proposed solution is a communal grocery list that we split the price for down the middle, and I pay for any items that are just for me (Clif bars, for example). We did this last year. He feels that he ends up paying too much for food he doesn't eat.
Well, so make it explicit that he isn't just paying for food but for your labor, cooking skills, etc.
To me, this looks like friction between a female nesting urge and a male desire to ...I am not sure, but be kind of pedantic, as if y'all aren't a couple but are merely roommates or something. I mean, it sounds like you are treating this like a couple trying to hash out married life and he is digging in his heels in part because he wants to keep it more casual and not acknowledge that aspect.
I did the homemaker thing. Let me tell you, I would not cook for a man now as just part of being his girlfriend. I have done a helluva lot of reading and what not about this and men have a bad habit of discounting the time, energy, expertise, opportunity costs and so forth involved in having a woman they sleep with cook for them and take care of them. But, then, I wouldn't likely be living with a boyfriend either. I am of the mindset that you marry me or we play footsies together but otherwise keep our lives separate. Because it seems to almost always be the woman who gets shorted in these domestic arrangements. He gets free cooking and stuff while you are there but that free cooking and stuff is a de facto investment in his career and earning potential and all that but, since y'all are not married, you have no claim to any of the fruits of it
So, if it were me, I think I would tell him explicitly that since he likes my cooking and choice in foods and so forth enough to want to eat what I make, then pay me for the labor. Or stop eating my food and just feed his damn self. But I'm kinda old and crotchety. YMMV.
posted by Michele in California at 12:20 PM on September 15, 2014 [21 favorites]
I guess the closest to splitting the difference would be for you to plan in advance for communal meals - like you plan meals-for-two to cook on MTWF, and he just lives with the horrible torment of having to eat a pre-planned meal that he paid for in advance on those days. If you're doing the effort of cooking (and you keep saying "we cook" but it sounds like you cook and he is not out at a restaurant), he can do the effort of shopping and putting away, and it's not crazy for you to make a shopping list when you make the meal plan.
I have to tell you, I am very much like you and I would end up breaking up with this guy. I think couples should want to eat as a family more often than not, and yeah in my life that means I do a lot of cooking and he's not great at shopping but can follow the Wunderlist I maintain, but we have a joint budget for food, pretty much all the food, unless one of us eats out at lunch which is usually from our personal money. I also think grownups don't eat from restaurants every night, and are not in such Id-driven need of novelty that eating a pre-planned meal is just too uncool. Being treated like I'm stealing money from my partner for cooking would be the end of the line. That's not how couples should have to live.
So maybe there's more to this than meals. And maybe this is an unfixable personality clash. But I think you probably need to have a larger conversation than just food before you're going to find a resolution that doesn't make you cry.
Or maybe you just stop providing him with meals and take care of yourself and this will eventually resolve one way or another.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have to tell you, I am very much like you and I would end up breaking up with this guy. I think couples should want to eat as a family more often than not, and yeah in my life that means I do a lot of cooking and he's not great at shopping but can follow the Wunderlist I maintain, but we have a joint budget for food, pretty much all the food, unless one of us eats out at lunch which is usually from our personal money. I also think grownups don't eat from restaurants every night, and are not in such Id-driven need of novelty that eating a pre-planned meal is just too uncool. Being treated like I'm stealing money from my partner for cooking would be the end of the line. That's not how couples should have to live.
So maybe there's more to this than meals. And maybe this is an unfixable personality clash. But I think you probably need to have a larger conversation than just food before you're going to find a resolution that doesn't make you cry.
Or maybe you just stop providing him with meals and take care of yourself and this will eventually resolve one way or another.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
If he'd otherwise eat out, paying for some extra groceries he doesn't end up eating is probably still a net benefit to his budget, especially with you paying separately for your "special" items. I don't think it's fair to want home-cooked meals with none of the risk of buying food that goes to waste.
posted by teremala at 12:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by teremala at 12:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Are you guys pretty well off, financially? Like to where the difference in the cost of these various schemes is not too noticeable in the grand scheme of things?
My guess is that this is less about money and this problem cannot be solved without discussing these larger and more general values. He sees issues of money and you see issues of time spent on shopping and cooking as well as different definitions of healthy eating thrown in with his lack of gratitude for a home cooked meal. No amount of money thrown your way will resolve the animosity behind you feeling unappreciated.
Every roommate situation I've ever been in has food as a stand-in for more abstract qualities and issues that are not being discussed. Every solution has a dose of not sweating the small stuff mixed with hashing out the larger, more abstract problems.
posted by Dmenet at 12:23 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
My guess is that this is less about money and this problem cannot be solved without discussing these larger and more general values. He sees issues of money and you see issues of time spent on shopping and cooking as well as different definitions of healthy eating thrown in with his lack of gratitude for a home cooked meal. No amount of money thrown your way will resolve the animosity behind you feeling unappreciated.
Every roommate situation I've ever been in has food as a stand-in for more abstract qualities and issues that are not being discussed. Every solution has a dose of not sweating the small stuff mixed with hashing out the larger, more abstract problems.
posted by Dmenet at 12:23 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
I've lived with my housemate for about 7 years, and for the first couple, we shared grocery costs. It was mostly split down the middle. It got frustrating for many of the same reasons you describe - the more planning-prone person often got stuck with the bulk of the planning... and the grocery shopping... and the cooking. That person was not me. We also had pretty frequent disputes about the cost, who had paid on what date, whose turn it was, etc.
It didn't work, so we gave it up, and now we buy our own groceries separately. When we eat out, we either trade off paying or order separately. We cook separately. It all works better, because our tastes are very different in most things, plus I have to eat gluten free now for health reasons. We tend to eat separate meals -- we just do it together.
You would think it would mean a lot of additional work/effort, but it really hasn't. Well... okay, it has for ME, because I wasn't the planner in our original arrangement. But in reality what it means is that the work has evened out and we are now thankfully no more resentful of one another than most independent people who have lived together long-term.
The only real negative impact is that with two people each doing their own shopping, you sometimes end up with two of the same things, and there tends to be a lot less free space in the fridge.
I think the key to success has been that we are not completely militant about the separation of things, because we're friends. She tends to remember to buy fizzy water more than me; I tend to want fizzy water a LOT as soon as I see she has bought some. If I want some, I ask, and she usually says yes; just like when she wants some of the junk food I'm more likely to buy, she asks, and I usually say yes. (Actually, I'm not much of a food-sharer, so I generally buy junk food for two just in case she wants it...) Sometimes one of us cooks for both of us, and that person is... still usually not me. But in those cases I do try to pitch in financially and through cleaning up after. Neither of us ever takes the last of anything from the other without asking.
Occasionally, money will change hands, if I've been over-indulging in the fizzy water or if she has eaten my last banana. And occasionally we buy things jointly, like the huge amount of eggs we usually get for cheap from Costco, or laundry/dishwasher detergent.
Honestly, I say split it up completely. It (mostly) restored harmony to my household, so maybe it will do the same for you.
Cohabitation is compromise, not convincing someone that your system is the only system...keeping up strict accounting is just going to give you high blood pressure.
I really hope my housemate is reading this thread, because it is highly relevant to where the toilet paper roll appropriately goes.
posted by kythuen at 12:24 PM on September 15, 2014
It didn't work, so we gave it up, and now we buy our own groceries separately. When we eat out, we either trade off paying or order separately. We cook separately. It all works better, because our tastes are very different in most things, plus I have to eat gluten free now for health reasons. We tend to eat separate meals -- we just do it together.
You would think it would mean a lot of additional work/effort, but it really hasn't. Well... okay, it has for ME, because I wasn't the planner in our original arrangement. But in reality what it means is that the work has evened out and we are now thankfully no more resentful of one another than most independent people who have lived together long-term.
The only real negative impact is that with two people each doing their own shopping, you sometimes end up with two of the same things, and there tends to be a lot less free space in the fridge.
I think the key to success has been that we are not completely militant about the separation of things, because we're friends. She tends to remember to buy fizzy water more than me; I tend to want fizzy water a LOT as soon as I see she has bought some. If I want some, I ask, and she usually says yes; just like when she wants some of the junk food I'm more likely to buy, she asks, and I usually say yes. (Actually, I'm not much of a food-sharer, so I generally buy junk food for two just in case she wants it...) Sometimes one of us cooks for both of us, and that person is... still usually not me. But in those cases I do try to pitch in financially and through cleaning up after. Neither of us ever takes the last of anything from the other without asking.
Occasionally, money will change hands, if I've been over-indulging in the fizzy water or if she has eaten my last banana. And occasionally we buy things jointly, like the huge amount of eggs we usually get for cheap from Costco, or laundry/dishwasher detergent.
Honestly, I say split it up completely. It (mostly) restored harmony to my household, so maybe it will do the same for you.
Cohabitation is compromise, not convincing someone that your system is the only system...keeping up strict accounting is just going to give you high blood pressure.
I really hope my housemate is reading this thread, because it is highly relevant to where the toilet paper roll appropriately goes.
posted by kythuen at 12:24 PM on September 15, 2014
Best answer: It's tough. From your perspective, you're doing a lot of work: planning, shopping, choosing, cooking, etc. From his perspective, he's not asking you to do all that work, he just wants to eat dinner (with you). I think it's cheap of him to object to paying half the groceries; but then, I also admit to getting frustrated when my husband splurges on $20/lb organic la-di-dah cheese, and chooses to do his produce shopping at Whole Foods. Maybe you should be a bit more explicit about what kinds of things qualify as "just for you" on the grocery list - not only Clif bars, but also the difference between "bag of lettuce" and organic local baby chard.
Also consider what else can be payback - instead of fussing over the grocery bill, consider how the cash balance would look if you're buying him dinner on the nights you stay in and he's buying you dinner on the nights you go out.
posted by aimedwander at 12:28 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Also consider what else can be payback - instead of fussing over the grocery bill, consider how the cash balance would look if you're buying him dinner on the nights you stay in and he's buying you dinner on the nights you go out.
posted by aimedwander at 12:28 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: We're in a similar situation, and he eats exactly twice what I do. The best compromise I have figured out is I buy the groceries for myself and our dinners, unless we're eating something expensive, like meat or fish, in which case we pay our shares. He buys his things, like yogurt, on his own schedule. We don't do a lot of snacking of each other's foods, because I plan carefully and buy exactly enough for the week, so if he eats some of mine, I don't have enough food without making another grocery run.
I make and plan the dinners, but involve him, like, "What do you think of bean and ham soup and bread this week?" He cleans up. He buys me dinner out at least once a week, sometimes more. Because I usually cook cheap things and stretch my budget, and we go to not-the-cheapest places for dinner, cost-wise, it ends up being pretty similar. And I eat the time spent cooking and planning, because I would do that anyway, on my own. It's not perfect, and overall I am losing a bit on the meal-front, but it's the best way I've found.
posted by umwhat at 12:47 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
I make and plan the dinners, but involve him, like, "What do you think of bean and ham soup and bread this week?" He cleans up. He buys me dinner out at least once a week, sometimes more. Because I usually cook cheap things and stretch my budget, and we go to not-the-cheapest places for dinner, cost-wise, it ends up being pretty similar. And I eat the time spent cooking and planning, because I would do that anyway, on my own. It's not perfect, and overall I am losing a bit on the meal-front, but it's the best way I've found.
posted by umwhat at 12:47 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I've lived with my boyfriend for just over three years. We've never explicitly talked about food costs, but this is more or less how it works: I do more cooking, pay for most of the groceries and 50-75% of our meals out. He pays for more of the household bills and 50-75% of the times we order in. It works, but mostly because I am more interested in food & cooking, where with the bills, he is more interested in what cable channels we get. It works really well for us.
What I would recommend for you is separate shopping with compensation for your cooking. You would still do the lion's share of cooking and will be the one to buy staples, and in return he pays for all of a household bill that nowadays you split. That way he's not just handing you money, which seems like the sort of thing that could cause some resentment. Having him pay a bill instead is less of a business transaction, more of a relationship compromise. Also you won't have to anticipate what he wants.
This sounds like a totally normal relationship issue, I wouldn't read too much into it.
posted by troika at 12:58 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
What I would recommend for you is separate shopping with compensation for your cooking. You would still do the lion's share of cooking and will be the one to buy staples, and in return he pays for all of a household bill that nowadays you split. That way he's not just handing you money, which seems like the sort of thing that could cause some resentment. Having him pay a bill instead is less of a business transaction, more of a relationship compromise. Also you won't have to anticipate what he wants.
This sounds like a totally normal relationship issue, I wouldn't read too much into it.
posted by troika at 12:58 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Michele in California is definitely onto something. It's pretty clear that he does not value your labor on his behalf. The easiest solution, then, is to stop providing it. He'll either decide he did value it after all and you can work something out, or he'll decide that this is fine, but either way you won't be getting the short end of the stick anymore.
posted by zug at 1:44 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by zug at 1:44 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
We have also adopted the system of him paying additional utilities while I pay the bulk of the groceries (I also do the bulk of the shopping, while he does the bulk of the cooking.) He will still sometimes pick up a grocery tab here or there, and I will occasionally pay for some other big-ticket thing, a fancy meal or some such, to keep things feeling even.
I do not know what the answer is for balancing out the mental and emotional work of it. Frankly, ours only began to even out more when he finally had to start taking his health and weight into account (hooray, middle age...?) and giving some consideration to the contents of our meals. For my part, I've been working at giving up some control (not easy, as I have a lot of food anxieties). Combined, these things are leading to a much more peaceful kitchen.
posted by like_a_friend at 1:44 PM on September 15, 2014
I do not know what the answer is for balancing out the mental and emotional work of it. Frankly, ours only began to even out more when he finally had to start taking his health and weight into account (hooray, middle age...?) and giving some consideration to the contents of our meals. For my part, I've been working at giving up some control (not easy, as I have a lot of food anxieties). Combined, these things are leading to a much more peaceful kitchen.
posted by like_a_friend at 1:44 PM on September 15, 2014
I think that overall, the labor and chores, including the work of planning and monitoring the labor and chores, should balance out in a relationship, but they don't need to balance out (and often don't balance out) for each individual chore.
You love to cook. It sounds like you like to do the meal-planning. So take it over. Use his proposed solution for the money part of it.
Then figure out, realistically, how much time it takes you to do that work, and write it down. Make a list of all the house-related work and planning-work you're doing, and have him do the same for his work. Talk about the lists together, and see if they're balanced. If they're not, transfer responsibilities as needed.
(I can't quite tell from what you've written if his "spontaneity" means that he's not giving you notice about whether he'll be home for dinners you're cooking. If that's a problem, then you can talk about designating 3-5 days a week as "couple dinner nights" that are assumed that he'll be home for dinner and he needs to give you advanced warning if he's not. Maybe one of those could also be a standing restaurant dinner date, so you get a break, too.)
posted by jaguar at 2:22 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
You love to cook. It sounds like you like to do the meal-planning. So take it over. Use his proposed solution for the money part of it.
Then figure out, realistically, how much time it takes you to do that work, and write it down. Make a list of all the house-related work and planning-work you're doing, and have him do the same for his work. Talk about the lists together, and see if they're balanced. If they're not, transfer responsibilities as needed.
(I can't quite tell from what you've written if his "spontaneity" means that he's not giving you notice about whether he'll be home for dinners you're cooking. If that's a problem, then you can talk about designating 3-5 days a week as "couple dinner nights" that are assumed that he'll be home for dinner and he needs to give you advanced warning if he's not. Maybe one of those could also be a standing restaurant dinner date, so you get a break, too.)
posted by jaguar at 2:22 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Nthing everything that Michelle in California said. The way things are now is a recipe for you getting screwed.
I think it's really weird that you're paying for ANY of the groceries, given that you're doing all the cooking!
Whenever I've been in a non-marriage living arrangement, if one person did most or all of the cooking then the other person paid for all the groceries. This included both when I was the girlfriend doing the cooking and when I was the roommate buying groceries for the roommate who cooked.
Your contribution is the meal planning, shopping, cooking, etc. His contribution should be paying for it. Groceries for two is still much cheaper than eating out for one, so he's getting a bargain!
posted by Jacqueline at 2:49 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think it's really weird that you're paying for ANY of the groceries, given that you're doing all the cooking!
Whenever I've been in a non-marriage living arrangement, if one person did most or all of the cooking then the other person paid for all the groceries. This included both when I was the girlfriend doing the cooking and when I was the roommate buying groceries for the roommate who cooked.
Your contribution is the meal planning, shopping, cooking, etc. His contribution should be paying for it. Groceries for two is still much cheaper than eating out for one, so he's getting a bargain!
posted by Jacqueline at 2:49 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
My boyfriend and I have very similar eating habits and he loves to cook, so this may not apply to you ... But what we do is I pay for basically all groceries (unless we're getting something expensive like steak, and then he will pay for some) and he pays for all our meals out (a couple times a week). This is our set-up because of income disparities, not because he doesn't cook ... But I don't see why this wouldn't work for you guys?
posted by queens86 at 4:27 PM on September 15, 2014
posted by queens86 at 4:27 PM on September 15, 2014
Best answer: You care more than he does. You want him to care more, he's annoyed that you're making such a BFD. This is where the rubber meets the road in relationships.
I suggest that since you enjoy it and have more invested in it, that you do all the grocery shopping for the household (he can reciprocate by picking up dry cleaning or putting the garbage out or whatever chore you'd like to trade off.)
If he's eating 2/5's of what's purchased, then he kicks in $40 and you kick in $60. He doesn't feel like he's paying for Cliff bars and you don't feel taken advantage of if he helps himself to your beet and kale casserole.
He's not going to suddenly pop up and decide to cook. So do you love him enough to let this go, or is it going to stick in your craw? Because this can really be an indication of how you two problem solve and work together as a couple for the good of you both.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:44 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I suggest that since you enjoy it and have more invested in it, that you do all the grocery shopping for the household (he can reciprocate by picking up dry cleaning or putting the garbage out or whatever chore you'd like to trade off.)
If he's eating 2/5's of what's purchased, then he kicks in $40 and you kick in $60. He doesn't feel like he's paying for Cliff bars and you don't feel taken advantage of if he helps himself to your beet and kale casserole.
He's not going to suddenly pop up and decide to cook. So do you love him enough to let this go, or is it going to stick in your craw? Because this can really be an indication of how you two problem solve and work together as a couple for the good of you both.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:44 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yeah I tend to agree with Ruthless Bunny. If grocery shopping and cooking is something that's meaningful to you , that's great - and you should continue to do it. But you can't expect him to suddenly care about something that he's never cared about.
At the same time, cohabitation is compromise. Probably a better way to reach the compromise in this instance is to have his contribution something not food related. So, you do the cooking, he does the cleaning, etc.
If you try and break everything down so that each person's share of every single expense/task is exactly 50% on some kind of $$ level, I think you're missing the point of cohabiting and will just end up resenting each other.
posted by modernnomad at 7:22 PM on September 15, 2014
At the same time, cohabitation is compromise. Probably a better way to reach the compromise in this instance is to have his contribution something not food related. So, you do the cooking, he does the cleaning, etc.
If you try and break everything down so that each person's share of every single expense/task is exactly 50% on some kind of $$ level, I think you're missing the point of cohabiting and will just end up resenting each other.
posted by modernnomad at 7:22 PM on September 15, 2014
You could possibly come up with a total monthly shared food budget for eating out, take out, and home cooking, and contribute to that, perhaps 50 - 50 or whatever feels fair.
I agree that this is probably masking another issue in your relationship.
posted by reddot at 4:12 AM on September 16, 2014
I agree that this is probably masking another issue in your relationship.
posted by reddot at 4:12 AM on September 16, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
How often are you eating out together vs. eating at home? If it's about half and half, then you could just buy and cook half the time, and he can just pay for both of you when you eat out. Yes, he would be paying more for your shared meals out than you'd be paying for home-cooked ones, but time is money and you are "paying" in time rather than money.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 12:00 PM on September 15, 2014 [6 favorites]