Where are my people?
September 12, 2014 11:45 PM Subscribe
I'm a 35-year-old American who has been living abroad for the past ten years, and I've had trouble making friends. The expat community isn't my scene (a lot of drama and drinking) and the locals aren't so welcoming to foreigners. I'm looking for some kind of online community that will give me the sense of belonging I don't have.
I would like to find online friends, discussion forums and the like where I can chat about things I'm interested in and enjoy with people who share similar interests. Metafilter is one outlet, but I'd like something more specifically geared toward my demographic, i.e. 30-something women.
A lot of the communities for women my age are geared towards parenting, but I'm not a mom and it's very possible that I won't be, so those kinds of forums aren't for me.
I'm politically "liberal", I guess, but have a traditional upbringing and leanings and have fairly stereotypically female "lifestyle" interests like cooking, fashion, beauty and home design. I also enjoy thoughtful discussion about art, music (especially classical / opera), books and world events (politics to a lesser degree).
I'd also enjoy something that isn't entirely US-centric.
Thank you for any suggestions! Anonymous because I don't want these personal details about my life linked to my account.
I would like to find online friends, discussion forums and the like where I can chat about things I'm interested in and enjoy with people who share similar interests. Metafilter is one outlet, but I'd like something more specifically geared toward my demographic, i.e. 30-something women.
A lot of the communities for women my age are geared towards parenting, but I'm not a mom and it's very possible that I won't be, so those kinds of forums aren't for me.
I'm politically "liberal", I guess, but have a traditional upbringing and leanings and have fairly stereotypically female "lifestyle" interests like cooking, fashion, beauty and home design. I also enjoy thoughtful discussion about art, music (especially classical / opera), books and world events (politics to a lesser degree).
I'd also enjoy something that isn't entirely US-centric.
Thank you for any suggestions! Anonymous because I don't want these personal details about my life linked to my account.
Given its name you may have dismissed it, but the people at mumsnet are not all mothers and they talk about much more than parenting. I'm childfree and enjoy going there to chat about all sorts of things. Maybe about 1/4 of the threads are about children and I just don't click on those.
posted by hazyjane at 12:44 AM on September 13, 2014
posted by hazyjane at 12:44 AM on September 13, 2014
Tumblr
posted by Jacqueline at 1:44 AM on September 13, 2014
posted by Jacqueline at 1:44 AM on September 13, 2014
I wonder if it might be necessary to create your own space.
posted by craniac at 2:17 AM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by craniac at 2:17 AM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I usually start up my own group and then pick and choose some new friends with the people that I click with, and then pull back from involvement in the actual group.
I've done this in 2 large non-english speaking cities in Europe.
posted by misspony at 2:42 AM on September 13, 2014
I've done this in 2 large non-english speaking cities in Europe.
posted by misspony at 2:42 AM on September 13, 2014
This is what Facebook does for me. We were staying with my mother in law in India for three months earlier this year, and my Tibetan is minuscule, so I hung out with my friends on Facebook when I got the lonelies.
I can be a bit chatty and, over time, friends of friends have befriended me. It worked out really well. Surprisingly so. But I'm someone who is now internet transparent.
posted by taff at 4:50 AM on September 13, 2014
I can be a bit chatty and, over time, friends of friends have befriended me. It worked out really well. Surprisingly so. But I'm someone who is now internet transparent.
posted by taff at 4:50 AM on September 13, 2014
Just in case you are looking for ideas about meeting people in "real life"-
I am also 35, and lived for 9 years in China. It can be very difficult to make (real) local friends there, and much of the expat scene is also centered around drinking. However, I found that there is always someone (or more than one) person I can relate to wherever I am. Such people would be interested in book clubs, language classes or language exchange, yoga classes, sports activities made up of locals and expats, etc. Is there anything like that you can find, or perhaps an online expat or English forum where you can advertise? It may not seem like it, but I promise that there are like-minded people out there somewhere. good luck.
posted by bearette at 9:35 AM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I am also 35, and lived for 9 years in China. It can be very difficult to make (real) local friends there, and much of the expat scene is also centered around drinking. However, I found that there is always someone (or more than one) person I can relate to wherever I am. Such people would be interested in book clubs, language classes or language exchange, yoga classes, sports activities made up of locals and expats, etc. Is there anything like that you can find, or perhaps an online expat or English forum where you can advertise? It may not seem like it, but I promise that there are like-minded people out there somewhere. good luck.
posted by bearette at 9:35 AM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Where are you? I would assume there is a more established and older expat scene. These are the people that have established a real permanent life somewhere through marrying a local, having kids or establishing a business. When I was in Argentina there was a forum for expats with all kinds of poeple. Also, you should check out Internations. This group is worldwide and you can meet people from all ages and backgrounds either online or in person. It's great. I've used it to do things like find an English speaking barber.
posted by Che boludo! at 10:15 AM on September 13, 2014
posted by Che boludo! at 10:15 AM on September 13, 2014
Seconding Facebook. I get why people dislike it, and I have reservations about its privacy policies etc. etc., but the reality is, many of my closest friends use it, and some of them are friends who ONLY use Facebook. It has been a lifesaver.
As for real life, I favorited craniac's comment because that's what's also worked for me in my 17 years overseas (7 of which were before Facebook even existed). It helps if you work in an office; every once in a while, you cross someone who's different in ways similar to you. This can be very contrary to popular stereotypes, even ones we don't necessarily realize are stereotypes, which is one reason I get het up about stereotypes... we pay for them dearly.
For instance. I too am originally from the States, straight white woman, don't get along well with most self-described expats (on preview, Internations is awful in my part of the world, so mileage definitely varies), but also find myself out in the cold with locals in many parts of France (omg don't get me started on the southeast). As for my interests and leanings, I could copy-paste your description. With seventeen years under my belt, here is what I've found: my closest friends are those who are also viewed as outsiders by the societal majority. Translators, writers, CFOs, accountants, developers, software testers, IT consultants. Who happen to be gay, lesbian, transgendered, Indian, Senegalese, Maghrebi, Middle Eastern, Muslim, atheist. Were I to distill this experience into advice, it would be not just to keep your "mind" open, but your heart. I know that sounds corny, so I'll rationalize it a bit. Listen to your feelings and gut reactions when you're with people. Do NOT listen to people who don't do that ("watch out for Arabs, they're only interested in white women for a visa", for instance, which is so blinkered, ignorant, and stupid it hurts – and yet it is such a given in southeastern France that white people will say it to you after "bonjour" if you smile and nod to your Moroccan colleague). Let your heart guide you, and you will find your own space. It will surprise you, in good ways.
Also? Take it from someone who's lived in three countries and has friends on every continent except Antarctica – the world is very, very small. Friends you make through genuine contact will enrich your life in ways you simply cannot imagine at first. I can't tell you how many "isolated" friends I've made (as in they too were isolated when we first met) who led to wonderfully complex relationships with other, mutual friends we had no idea we shared. In other countries! It's not woo at all. When you listen to what you genuinely feel, you meet people who do the same thing. And so do they.
posted by fraula at 10:28 AM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
As for real life, I favorited craniac's comment because that's what's also worked for me in my 17 years overseas (7 of which were before Facebook even existed). It helps if you work in an office; every once in a while, you cross someone who's different in ways similar to you. This can be very contrary to popular stereotypes, even ones we don't necessarily realize are stereotypes, which is one reason I get het up about stereotypes... we pay for them dearly.
For instance. I too am originally from the States, straight white woman, don't get along well with most self-described expats (on preview, Internations is awful in my part of the world, so mileage definitely varies), but also find myself out in the cold with locals in many parts of France (omg don't get me started on the southeast). As for my interests and leanings, I could copy-paste your description. With seventeen years under my belt, here is what I've found: my closest friends are those who are also viewed as outsiders by the societal majority. Translators, writers, CFOs, accountants, developers, software testers, IT consultants. Who happen to be gay, lesbian, transgendered, Indian, Senegalese, Maghrebi, Middle Eastern, Muslim, atheist. Were I to distill this experience into advice, it would be not just to keep your "mind" open, but your heart. I know that sounds corny, so I'll rationalize it a bit. Listen to your feelings and gut reactions when you're with people. Do NOT listen to people who don't do that ("watch out for Arabs, they're only interested in white women for a visa", for instance, which is so blinkered, ignorant, and stupid it hurts – and yet it is such a given in southeastern France that white people will say it to you after "bonjour" if you smile and nod to your Moroccan colleague). Let your heart guide you, and you will find your own space. It will surprise you, in good ways.
Also? Take it from someone who's lived in three countries and has friends on every continent except Antarctica – the world is very, very small. Friends you make through genuine contact will enrich your life in ways you simply cannot imagine at first. I can't tell you how many "isolated" friends I've made (as in they too were isolated when we first met) who led to wonderfully complex relationships with other, mutual friends we had no idea we shared. In other countries! It's not woo at all. When you listen to what you genuinely feel, you meet people who do the same thing. And so do they.
posted by fraula at 10:28 AM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
Reddit? It has subreddits for pretty much everything.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 2:30 PM on September 13, 2014
posted by LoonyLovegood at 2:30 PM on September 13, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
I am in very much the same boat as you, so I'm looking forward to seeing other answers in this thread!
posted by lollymccatburglar at 12:32 AM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]