Will it ever get better?
September 6, 2014 12:50 PM Subscribe
I am in my late 30s. My boyfriend is in his early 40s. We have been together for just over a year. He is attractive, gentle, smart and sensitive. We have talked about having a kid. Unfortunately we fight every other day.
Early on last year, I was not sure if I liked him, and I ended the romance a couple of times, telling him I just wanted to be friends. But I came around, and now I truly love him, and I am in love with him. But now he is in a depressed/angry period, and he is vacillating about the relationship because of our fights and other communication problems. I am wondering if the relationship is broken, if it never fully rooted, and whether we should just step away from it -- respectfully and maturely, not casting blame, just acknowledging that it is adding more stress than joy to our lives. Except I do not want to do this... Any advice on when it is time to give up? He sometimes says that he wants to leave, that he is going to move away, that the relationship is tainted. But then it seems like it is his depression talking. He is taking a year off of work to focus on a personal project, and it's really hard for him -- the lack of structure. I don't know what to do. Do you know what I should do?
Early on last year, I was not sure if I liked him, and I ended the romance a couple of times, telling him I just wanted to be friends. But I came around, and now I truly love him, and I am in love with him. But now he is in a depressed/angry period, and he is vacillating about the relationship because of our fights and other communication problems. I am wondering if the relationship is broken, if it never fully rooted, and whether we should just step away from it -- respectfully and maturely, not casting blame, just acknowledging that it is adding more stress than joy to our lives. Except I do not want to do this... Any advice on when it is time to give up? He sometimes says that he wants to leave, that he is going to move away, that the relationship is tainted. But then it seems like it is his depression talking. He is taking a year off of work to focus on a personal project, and it's really hard for him -- the lack of structure. I don't know what to do. Do you know what I should do?
Move on. This is not someone who is ready to have children or a seriously relationship. Even if it is too late for you to have a biological child with someone else, you could always foster or adopt if you want to parent, and it's going to be a lot better for you to be in a healthy relationship where you are honestly happy with your partner every day.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:52 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:52 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yup, walk away.
No good relationship is fraught with this kind of doubt. You can wonder about one thing, but not a bunch of stuff.
Before you spend anymore time with a person you have to walk on eggshells around, just end it. Get over him. And when you no longer feel anything, love, anger, disappointment, then you can go find a relationship that will endure and that will be fun and loving and one in which you feel safe.
It's really not hard. It's not.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:53 PM on September 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
No good relationship is fraught with this kind of doubt. You can wonder about one thing, but not a bunch of stuff.
Before you spend anymore time with a person you have to walk on eggshells around, just end it. Get over him. And when you no longer feel anything, love, anger, disappointment, then you can go find a relationship that will endure and that will be fun and loving and one in which you feel safe.
It's really not hard. It's not.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:53 PM on September 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
You "came around?" Is that his phraseology or yours?
I wouldn't have a kid with this dude. He's unstable and not as into the idea as you apparently are.
" I ended the romance a couple of times, "
Listen to your gut.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:54 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't have a kid with this dude. He's unstable and not as into the idea as you apparently are.
" I ended the romance a couple of times, "
Listen to your gut.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:54 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
You should leave.
This is not how a healthy relationship feels and there is no reason to believe it will get better. You two are not compatible.
Please know that it is very common for people to want to prolong relationships that should end.
If you literally fight every other day, that's a toxic dynamic you two have going on. You can do better.
posted by Gray Skies at 1:05 PM on September 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
This is not how a healthy relationship feels and there is no reason to believe it will get better. You two are not compatible.
Please know that it is very common for people to want to prolong relationships that should end.
If you literally fight every other day, that's a toxic dynamic you two have going on. You can do better.
posted by Gray Skies at 1:05 PM on September 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
It doesn't sound like he brings anything to the relationship, and it doesn't sound like he's taking care of himself (quitting a job, while depressed, to "work on a personal project" but not actually getting anything done, is a bad sign.) Being in love is not enough; for a relationship to work, you both have to be invested in the relationship's upkeep.
He seems to have already checked out of the relationship, but he isn't doing the adult thing and breaking up, which is another bad sign. He's either waiting for you to do the work of pulling the plug or staying put until it's more convenient for him to leave.
If he can't look after himself, don't even think about having a child with him.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:08 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
He seems to have already checked out of the relationship, but he isn't doing the adult thing and breaking up, which is another bad sign. He's either waiting for you to do the work of pulling the plug or staying put until it's more convenient for him to leave.
If he can't look after himself, don't even think about having a child with him.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:08 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Will it ever get better? Straight answer: No, it will not.
Is this relationship broken? Yes indeedy, and it has been from the start.... it was never unbroken.
"It is adding more stress than joy to our lives" means please don't even think about bringing a child into this turmoil: listen to your gut and walk away --- call it quits now, before things get even worse than they already are.
And on a minor note: he apparently made the choice to take a year off work to focus on his personal project, right? Then the resulting 'lack of structure' is his choice --- he could've either stayed in a structured environment (work) or he can self-structure his life around his personal project.... either way, he does not get to take his own choices out on other people.
posted by easily confused at 1:09 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Is this relationship broken? Yes indeedy, and it has been from the start.... it was never unbroken.
"It is adding more stress than joy to our lives" means please don't even think about bringing a child into this turmoil: listen to your gut and walk away --- call it quits now, before things get even worse than they already are.
And on a minor note: he apparently made the choice to take a year off work to focus on his personal project, right? Then the resulting 'lack of structure' is his choice --- he could've either stayed in a structured environment (work) or he can self-structure his life around his personal project.... either way, he does not get to take his own choices out on other people.
posted by easily confused at 1:09 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
No kids. Absolutely no kids. You will have another kid in this world without a stable home. Dosen't seem like you both are a good fit, end it and do not drag this along.
posted by jellyjam at 1:09 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jellyjam at 1:09 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Unfortunately, being in love with someone does not necessarily mean you should be in a relationship with them. That said, is he getting treated for his depression? What is he doing to provide himself with a structure? I know those are really hard things and if he's committed to treating his depression that's something through which you can work together.
My husband is married to a woman with bipolar (me!) and something he's said on AskMe when asked for advice about stuff like this is that you should never, never get into a relationship with someone who's not working on handling whatever mental health issues they have. It's one thing to support someone you love through issues with which they're coping because you know that they're putting in the effort to make both of your lives better and you know that things will improve and you know they care about you enough to try, but if he's not doing anything to work on this then it's just not a healthy relationship for you no matter how much you love him.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 1:12 PM on September 6, 2014 [12 favorites]
My husband is married to a woman with bipolar (me!) and something he's said on AskMe when asked for advice about stuff like this is that you should never, never get into a relationship with someone who's not working on handling whatever mental health issues they have. It's one thing to support someone you love through issues with which they're coping because you know that they're putting in the effort to make both of your lives better and you know that things will improve and you know they care about you enough to try, but if he's not doing anything to work on this then it's just not a healthy relationship for you no matter how much you love him.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 1:12 PM on September 6, 2014 [12 favorites]
Love is not enough. Loving someone and being in love with them does not mean you should be together. It sounds like you should not.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:17 PM on September 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:17 PM on September 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Recently, I was talking to a friend who was struggling with some relationship stuff. She was reading books about [their particular issue], making lists, journaling like mad about it. I asked what he was doing, for his part, and she said "nothing."
If your boyfriend isn't putting the same amount of work into this as you are, or more (if he's got a diagnosis), you're essentially fighting the battle alone. It's not good to feel alone in that way just a year or two in.
That said, it's not necessarily doomed? I would ask him to get treatment and see if he's willing to fight. Are you willing to fight for it? Is the good stuff you have ever going to outweigh the fighting and stress?
posted by magdalemon at 2:12 PM on September 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
If your boyfriend isn't putting the same amount of work into this as you are, or more (if he's got a diagnosis), you're essentially fighting the battle alone. It's not good to feel alone in that way just a year or two in.
That said, it's not necessarily doomed? I would ask him to get treatment and see if he's willing to fight. Are you willing to fight for it? Is the good stuff you have ever going to outweigh the fighting and stress?
posted by magdalemon at 2:12 PM on September 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
I mean, I can't say for sure. You don't give a ton of detail about why you bicker all the time and you don't actually mention anything positive about your relationship. But maybe that's enough to know that this is working out. Maybe this question in and of itself is the proof -- the doubt and the fact that you don't seem to mention anything positive.
Couples shouldn't bicker all the time. Some do, but they seem insufferable to me. And with you guys breaking up and getting back together over and over, you shouldn't need to "come around" to liking someone. This sounds more like a case of developing an attachment and a bond because you were intimate, than it sounds like you fell in love with him for who he is.
It's not healthy to be in a relationship where one partner is calling your relationship "tainted" and threatening to dump you. You frankly don't sound very sure about the relationship either. So why are you staying with him? I bet if you told him you should take a break for a few months, you'll realize you don't need to come back. You might miss having a companion, that's normal, but I'm not sure you'll miss this guy. You sound incompatible and just not right for each other.
I feel like your age may be playing a part in you wanting to stay if you goal is to have a kid someday. None of us can tell you want to do. You need to decide if you think you can bear having a child with him as you fight all the time and he doesn't sound all that supportive. I know it's hard to think about, but there are other options for that. Maybe you can consider having your eggs frozen or something. Maybe that's another AskMe. But I hope you find a relationship that makes you happy.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:30 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Couples shouldn't bicker all the time. Some do, but they seem insufferable to me. And with you guys breaking up and getting back together over and over, you shouldn't need to "come around" to liking someone. This sounds more like a case of developing an attachment and a bond because you were intimate, than it sounds like you fell in love with him for who he is.
It's not healthy to be in a relationship where one partner is calling your relationship "tainted" and threatening to dump you. You frankly don't sound very sure about the relationship either. So why are you staying with him? I bet if you told him you should take a break for a few months, you'll realize you don't need to come back. You might miss having a companion, that's normal, but I'm not sure you'll miss this guy. You sound incompatible and just not right for each other.
I feel like your age may be playing a part in you wanting to stay if you goal is to have a kid someday. None of us can tell you want to do. You need to decide if you think you can bear having a child with him as you fight all the time and he doesn't sound all that supportive. I know it's hard to think about, but there are other options for that. Maybe you can consider having your eggs frozen or something. Maybe that's another AskMe. But I hope you find a relationship that makes you happy.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:30 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Fighting "every other day" is no way to live long term.
He is attractive, gentle, smart and sensitive
If you still believe he's attractive, gentle, smart and sensitive on the days you're fighting, then there may be hope. If you dislike or avoid him on those days, well. That's 50% of your days you're spending with someone you don't like.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:38 PM on September 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
He is attractive, gentle, smart and sensitive
If you still believe he's attractive, gentle, smart and sensitive on the days you're fighting, then there may be hope. If you dislike or avoid him on those days, well. That's 50% of your days you're spending with someone you don't like.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:38 PM on September 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Really great relationships are not a lot of hard work.
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:04 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:04 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
This doesn't sound healthy for either of you, do both of you a favor and move on.
posted by Middlemarch at 3:19 PM on September 6, 2014
posted by Middlemarch at 3:19 PM on September 6, 2014
Move on. This much fighting this early means you are mismatched and it won't get better.
Do NOT have a kid with him oh my God no. You do know they only put MORE stress on a relationship, right?
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:53 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Do NOT have a kid with him oh my God no. You do know they only put MORE stress on a relationship, right?
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:53 PM on September 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Mildly disagreeing with Blahlala - I'd say instead that really great relationships are not a lot of disheartening hard work. I think we need more info to form solid opinions - like, what are these fights about? Are they about money/kids/religion/politics? Or are they about where the salt is and who didn't put it back where they found it?
Because it can be really hard work to look past your initial irritation with *this thing that is not the way I would have done this thing* or *this other thing that I wish was slightly different*. It can be really hard work to remember that you love someone and want to be with them when they are washing your whites with a red shirt for the third time this year or drank your last beer AGAIN or haven't touched a dish in a week and are whining that there aren't any clean coffee cups. Two people living together can be a lot of hard work without being a crappy relationship.
I think what matters most is - do both of you want the relationship to work enough to get past those irritants? Because if you do, on the other side of that there's a space where they're still drinking your last beer all the time, but you just don't mind as much anymore, because you know sometimes you forget to pay the water bill on time, etc. There's still occasional irritation, but there's a lot less fighting about it.
So which is it? Are you fighting about life with another human being, or are you fighting about deal breakers?
posted by kythuen at 4:00 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Because it can be really hard work to look past your initial irritation with *this thing that is not the way I would have done this thing* or *this other thing that I wish was slightly different*. It can be really hard work to remember that you love someone and want to be with them when they are washing your whites with a red shirt for the third time this year or drank your last beer AGAIN or haven't touched a dish in a week and are whining that there aren't any clean coffee cups. Two people living together can be a lot of hard work without being a crappy relationship.
I think what matters most is - do both of you want the relationship to work enough to get past those irritants? Because if you do, on the other side of that there's a space where they're still drinking your last beer all the time, but you just don't mind as much anymore, because you know sometimes you forget to pay the water bill on time, etc. There's still occasional irritation, but there's a lot less fighting about it.
So which is it? Are you fighting about life with another human being, or are you fighting about deal breakers?
posted by kythuen at 4:00 PM on September 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Don't add a kid to the current mess, and take a good hard look at whether or not this is the right person for you to spend a life with.
When it's right, it *isn't* that hard.
posted by stormyteal at 4:38 PM on September 6, 2014
When it's right, it *isn't* that hard.
posted by stormyteal at 4:38 PM on September 6, 2014
Always remember: if you choose to have a child with a particular man, you are giving that child a father. Grown men and women can choose their partners, but kids can't choose their parents. Does your SO want a child? Is he willing to work on his depression and/or anger issues so he can be a better parent?
If this guy is having trouble communicating with a grown woman, it's going to be 1000 times more difficult for him to communicate with a baby or toddler. You don't want to be running interference with a father who Just Can't Deal, nor do you want to be shielding your child from the father's temper or bad moods.
Adoption, fostering, or having a child with a sperm donor are all options. Tough, yes, but do-able. If you want to have a child with a partner, you want to choose a good partner who will be a good parent. Don't settle for less, for your child's sake.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:56 PM on September 6, 2014
If this guy is having trouble communicating with a grown woman, it's going to be 1000 times more difficult for him to communicate with a baby or toddler. You don't want to be running interference with a father who Just Can't Deal, nor do you want to be shielding your child from the father's temper or bad moods.
Adoption, fostering, or having a child with a sperm donor are all options. Tough, yes, but do-able. If you want to have a child with a partner, you want to choose a good partner who will be a good parent. Don't settle for less, for your child's sake.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:56 PM on September 6, 2014
You ask if it will ever get better.
I learned the hard way that it is best to assume that the relationship you have, right now, is the relationship you will always have together. It does not matter if it might get better. What matters is that you are not happy right now and have not been for some time.
Best of luck to you. You deserve a relationship that does not make you feel bad half of the time. It is ok to leave. You are unhappy and for that I am sorry. You don't have to be unhappy.
posted by sockermom at 8:22 PM on September 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
I learned the hard way that it is best to assume that the relationship you have, right now, is the relationship you will always have together. It does not matter if it might get better. What matters is that you are not happy right now and have not been for some time.
Best of luck to you. You deserve a relationship that does not make you feel bad half of the time. It is ok to leave. You are unhappy and for that I am sorry. You don't have to be unhappy.
posted by sockermom at 8:22 PM on September 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone, for your supportive and insightful comments. The good things are that he is tender, thinks I am beautiful, my parents and siblings love him, in fact everyone loves him. He tolerates my depression (for which I am in therapy). He tolerates my unreasonableness. He's creative, talented, gentle, honest... I subject him to a lot of my own stress, and he fields it. I have a string of failed loves. So many it's telling. If we don't work out he will be added to the list of men who loved me who I was too difficult to keep. I am a very difficult person to be with -- sensitive and insecure and always with an eye on the exit door. He has been pretty consistently loving -- though we have hit a number of impediments.
posted by i'magirl at 8:50 PM on September 6, 2014
posted by i'magirl at 8:50 PM on September 6, 2014
Response by poster: Also... the fights are about feeling misunderstood. Which is an old issue for me. So old and troubling it pops up everywhere.
posted by i'magirl at 8:58 PM on September 6, 2014
posted by i'magirl at 8:58 PM on September 6, 2014
Response by poster: Also... yeah, understood, no kid.
posted by i'magirl at 9:05 PM on September 6, 2014
posted by i'magirl at 9:05 PM on September 6, 2014
I am a very difficult person to be with -- sensitive and insecure and always with an eye on the exit door.
Respectfully, it sounds like it might be good for you to step away and work on yourself. Staying in a relationship just so you don't have another "failure" on your record is not fair to anyone. Trust me, it is much better to be alone than to wish you were. If he's depressed and angry, that's not going to help you work on your sensitivity and insecurity. Most likely it's creating a negative feedback loop.
I am wondering if the relationship is broken, if it never fully rooted, and whether we should just step away from it -- respectfully and maturely, not casting blame, just acknowledging that it is adding more stress than joy to our lives.
Yep, it's broken. You can love someone and still find it too stressful to be with them. People who have depression and other mental health issues can have good relationships, but only if there's a strong basis of underlying support and commitment, which it doesn't seem like you guys have.
Let this guy go and take some time off from relationships. You will not be a lesser person because you're single. Focus on increasing your self-confidence, and your next relationship will be better off for it.
posted by desjardins at 10:44 PM on September 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Respectfully, it sounds like it might be good for you to step away and work on yourself. Staying in a relationship just so you don't have another "failure" on your record is not fair to anyone. Trust me, it is much better to be alone than to wish you were. If he's depressed and angry, that's not going to help you work on your sensitivity and insecurity. Most likely it's creating a negative feedback loop.
I am wondering if the relationship is broken, if it never fully rooted, and whether we should just step away from it -- respectfully and maturely, not casting blame, just acknowledging that it is adding more stress than joy to our lives.
Yep, it's broken. You can love someone and still find it too stressful to be with them. People who have depression and other mental health issues can have good relationships, but only if there's a strong basis of underlying support and commitment, which it doesn't seem like you guys have.
Let this guy go and take some time off from relationships. You will not be a lesser person because you're single. Focus on increasing your self-confidence, and your next relationship will be better off for it.
posted by desjardins at 10:44 PM on September 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
This sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship.
"I subject him to a lot of my own stress"
He is your partner, please do not treat him as a therapist or emotional punching bag.
"I am a very difficult person to be with -- sensitive and insecure and always with an eye on the exit door."
No man can fix this in you or for you. Being with a partner like this will destroy trust and intimacy.
"he is in a depressed/angry period, and he is vacillating about the relationship"
Does he maybe has a bit of a care-giver quality about him and he's feeling overburdened and resentful?
"Unfortunately we fight every other day.... fights and other communication problems"
One year in should not be fraught with fights. Every other day? Exhausting and not healthy.
Different communication styles are difficult if not impossible to overcome.
"We have talked about having a kid."
Please do not bring a kid into such a volatile environment. It will get worse though the stress of pregnancy, hormones, and the never ending demands of a newborn.
It is entirely possible that he may be a really great guy, just not great fit for you.
You should also not be remaining in a relationship that is not working, for the reason of not wanting to "fail" again. How would that make him feel knowing that?
posted by tenaciousmoon at 2:07 AM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
"I subject him to a lot of my own stress"
He is your partner, please do not treat him as a therapist or emotional punching bag.
"I am a very difficult person to be with -- sensitive and insecure and always with an eye on the exit door."
No man can fix this in you or for you. Being with a partner like this will destroy trust and intimacy.
"he is in a depressed/angry period, and he is vacillating about the relationship"
Does he maybe has a bit of a care-giver quality about him and he's feeling overburdened and resentful?
"Unfortunately we fight every other day.... fights and other communication problems"
One year in should not be fraught with fights. Every other day? Exhausting and not healthy.
Different communication styles are difficult if not impossible to overcome.
"We have talked about having a kid."
Please do not bring a kid into such a volatile environment. It will get worse though the stress of pregnancy, hormones, and the never ending demands of a newborn.
It is entirely possible that he may be a really great guy, just not great fit for you.
You should also not be remaining in a relationship that is not working, for the reason of not wanting to "fail" again. How would that make him feel knowing that?
posted by tenaciousmoon at 2:07 AM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
The circumstances you describe match two friends of mine, a couple, who (knock on wood) made it through the worst patch last year, and are now in a much better place with relationship communication. But they got there via couples therapy and a shared, mutual desire to fight less frequently and less intensely, so their relationship had enough oxygen to survive. They went through two therapists before finding one who was nice but no-nonsense enough to keep them focused on whether and how the relationship was salvageable, and they approached it from that perspective - the status quo was going to end in a breakup. I'd still say the odds on your relationship surviving are low (and I said the same about theirs, last summer), but couples therapy might be valuable to you if you both have issues you need to work on for this partnership to be viable.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:58 AM on September 7, 2014
posted by deludingmyself at 7:58 AM on September 7, 2014
Will it ever get better?
No. Sorry. Fighting every other day points to fundamental incompatibilities between you, and fundamental communication problems that look like they're not worth addressing, even if he wanted to.
Chalk it up to experience, move on, and understand that you deserve better.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:07 AM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
No. Sorry. Fighting every other day points to fundamental incompatibilities between you, and fundamental communication problems that look like they're not worth addressing, even if he wanted to.
Chalk it up to experience, move on, and understand that you deserve better.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:07 AM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
The good things are that he is tender, thinks I am beautiful, my parents and siblings love him, in fact everyone loves him.
He tolerates my depression (for which I am in therapy).
He tolerates my unreasonableness.
He's creative, talented, gentle, honest... I subject him to a lot of my own stress, and he fields it.
I have a string of failed loves. So many it's telling.
If we don't work out he will be added to the list of men who loved me who I was too difficult to keep.
I am a very difficult person to be with -- sensitive and insecure and always with an eye on the exit door.
He has been pretty consistently loving -- though we have hit a number of impediments.
~~~~~
You've *got* to be a really beautiful woman, and have charms you're either not seeing or at the very least not telling us about. Because you'd not have this man so caught up with you otherwise, nor have a string of other relationships behind you, others who wanted to make a go of it with you.
You totally sound like a woman I know and damn sure love; let's just say her name is Laura, because it is. She is a total pain in the ass, in upwards of 15,894 ways, and that's a fact. She truly is a fussy woman. Damn. But she brings so, so much to the table, she has intelligence that's sharper than electrical shocks, she's got these great eyes, due to her many failings in love she's got a real understanding of human foibles and foolishnesses. And her beauty is such that you'll clutch your chest, at least I will, and do -- I bet you're smokin' hot, same as she is.
Your family loves him because they can see who he is, they can see that he loves you; they've seen you run off a flock of other guys, and seeing him hang in, hey, they just *know* he's a citizen, and really loves you.
In your ask, you told mostly about him him him, what he did/does wrong, or at most what you together do wrong. But in your clarification you bring us lots more insight into this thing, the reason he's barking all the time is that you're jumping up and down and acting the fool, and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like all that jive but he damn sure loves you, so he's barking in an attempt to hold onto his integrity whilst still keeping you in his arms.
This is not his deal. This is your deal. Quit focusing on him him him and his his his problems, many of which are in reaction to you you you. If you really don't want to lose his love, if you really don't want to leave another guy in your past, you've got a perfect opportunity to really jump in and do the work that you're going to eventually have to do anyways, so why not do it now. Keep your butt in that therapists chair and sort it all out, and your beau should damn sure be in that room at least once every three weeks, to keep it honest, to keep the focus on you and how you are running him out of energy, and burning through his love.
You're not bad. You've got good things going on, you've got to, or you've not have gotten his attention and love, nor held it. Look into the mirror -- they have the kind of mirror you need in therapists offices -- look into the mirror, see if you can change what is pushing him away.
Just one guys thoughts, late on a lazy Sunday morning.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:38 AM on September 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
He tolerates my depression (for which I am in therapy).
He tolerates my unreasonableness.
He's creative, talented, gentle, honest... I subject him to a lot of my own stress, and he fields it.
I have a string of failed loves. So many it's telling.
If we don't work out he will be added to the list of men who loved me who I was too difficult to keep.
I am a very difficult person to be with -- sensitive and insecure and always with an eye on the exit door.
He has been pretty consistently loving -- though we have hit a number of impediments.
~~~~~
You've *got* to be a really beautiful woman, and have charms you're either not seeing or at the very least not telling us about. Because you'd not have this man so caught up with you otherwise, nor have a string of other relationships behind you, others who wanted to make a go of it with you.
You totally sound like a woman I know and damn sure love; let's just say her name is Laura, because it is. She is a total pain in the ass, in upwards of 15,894 ways, and that's a fact. She truly is a fussy woman. Damn. But she brings so, so much to the table, she has intelligence that's sharper than electrical shocks, she's got these great eyes, due to her many failings in love she's got a real understanding of human foibles and foolishnesses. And her beauty is such that you'll clutch your chest, at least I will, and do -- I bet you're smokin' hot, same as she is.
Your family loves him because they can see who he is, they can see that he loves you; they've seen you run off a flock of other guys, and seeing him hang in, hey, they just *know* he's a citizen, and really loves you.
In your ask, you told mostly about him him him, what he did/does wrong, or at most what you together do wrong. But in your clarification you bring us lots more insight into this thing, the reason he's barking all the time is that you're jumping up and down and acting the fool, and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like all that jive but he damn sure loves you, so he's barking in an attempt to hold onto his integrity whilst still keeping you in his arms.
This is not his deal. This is your deal. Quit focusing on him him him and his his his problems, many of which are in reaction to you you you. If you really don't want to lose his love, if you really don't want to leave another guy in your past, you've got a perfect opportunity to really jump in and do the work that you're going to eventually have to do anyways, so why not do it now. Keep your butt in that therapists chair and sort it all out, and your beau should damn sure be in that room at least once every three weeks, to keep it honest, to keep the focus on you and how you are running him out of energy, and burning through his love.
You're not bad. You've got good things going on, you've got to, or you've not have gotten his attention and love, nor held it. Look into the mirror -- they have the kind of mirror you need in therapists offices -- look into the mirror, see if you can change what is pushing him away.
Just one guys thoughts, late on a lazy Sunday morning.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:38 AM on September 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
Your friends liking him and him tolerating parts about you aren't good enough items for the pro column. Sorry.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:08 PM on September 7, 2014
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:08 PM on September 7, 2014
May I suggest couples therapy? The fights might indicative of some Terrible Unsolvable Problem or they might be indicative of the fact that you both need better tools for connecting and communicating when one of you is feeling sad/lonely/tired/etc. It sounds like you'd like to figure out how to be with this person successfully and happily, so I think couples therapy might be good for both of you, and if he's not in individual therapy, maybe suggest that for him as well.
posted by eustacescrubb at 1:30 PM on September 12, 2014
posted by eustacescrubb at 1:30 PM on September 12, 2014
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posted by zadcat at 12:52 PM on September 6, 2014 [19 favorites]