Schooling options for anxious middle schooler

September 5, 2014 8:23 AM

My 12-year old son (previously and previouslier) is having trouble in middle school, to the extent that he is frequently absent because of what appears to be anxiety-related nausea. He was also recently diagnosed as what would have previously be Aspergers. I would love to hear some suggestions about alternatives to traditional schooling that might work, given some complications explained inside.

My son has always had trouble with concentration and socialization. He gets intensely focused on one subject at a time and finds it difficult to talk or learn about anything else. We finally got him an appointment with an excellent adolescent psychiatrist (which literally took a year, after we determined that we would have to pay out of pocket because our insurance has very few mental health providers), and he wants to start treating him as some on the Autism spectrum, as well as possibly ADHD.

The diagnosis was suggested by several teachers by discarded by a neurologist because my son is very verbal and makes eye contact. But he doesn't read most social cues, doesn't like to be touched, and wears headphones as often as he's aloud to block out the world. He also has trouble concentrating on reading, although his vision is fine, and he scores highly on the barrage of standardized tests he's had to take through the years. And after being told for several years to just let him be and he'll acclimate when he's ready, things are starting to fall apart for him.

Starting a few years ago, he began missing a significant amount of school because of nausea or actual vomiting, but we haven't been able to find any medical cause for it. We're assuming it's anxiety-related, because he never has these problems on the weekend or vacation. He is not bullied, as far as we can tell, and he insists that he doesn't dread school. From what we hear, he goes, he sits in class, he does what work he can, and he comes him without interacting much with anyone. But his grades have gone from As to Cs and Ds.

So traditional schooling doesn't appear to be working for him, and I need to find an alternate method. But I have these complications:

- Both my husband and I work, and neither of us make enough money to support a 4-person household with one income, especially with an extra 700$ a month for medical bills. So I can't homeschool him.
- We choiced my son into a smaller school in a neighboring town because our school system is overcrowded and chaotic. However, that school has lost a lot of it's special ed funding, so I've been told that they can't offer him any IEP or 504 program. And since he's not from the district, they don't have to.
- He has always thrived on being told to follow a clear and regular structure, so any self-motivated program, like an online school, would seem to be doomed to failure.

Has anyone had any success, either as a student or a parent, with education options that are not traditional or homeschool based? We are going to start seeing the psychiatrist regularly, but I need to start investigating possible paths now.

We are in Colorado, if that helps.

Also, I am getting other advice besides Metafilter. I don't want people to think I'm relying only on this site for help, considering this is the third questions I have asked about my son, but I have always valued the insights I get here.

posted by bibliowench to Education (17 answers total)

I just want to be clear on your question, because it could be interpreted differently: do you want options that are NOT homeschool based, or are you saying that you do want to know about homeschool based options? I'm assuming it's the latter.

I was home schooled from grades 1 to 8 and thought it was fantastic. There are a lot of ways for homeschoolers to connect with one another these days (and a lot of homeschoolers out there, too), and you meet a lot of interesting people/kids and have the opportunity to do so many interesting things, not being constrained by school hours and requirements. I think there are so many kids who don't benefit from the way formal school is structured and could excel in a homeschooling atmosphere. If you have specific questions about homeschooling, please feel free to MeMail me about what I did.

In the meantime, though, I would definitely see how things go with the psychiatric treatment for at least 2 or 3 months. You might find that once he's being adequately treated, school is a completely different ballgame for him.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:57 AM on September 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I guess I'm looking for any alternatives that do not involve me being at home for a significant part of the day. I teach five classes and have about 2-3 hours of grading a night, so I don't know how I could take on his education and keep my (tenured, necessary) job.
posted by bibliowench at 8:59 AM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

I don't know if you will find this helpful, but there was a recent NPR story on using cognitive behavior therapy to reduce anxiety in adolescents.
posted by elmay at 9:15 AM on September 5, 2014

Some of my in-laws went to a private school that specifically catered to students with special needs. I believe the diagnosis for them was dyslexia. One dropped out to get treated for an eating disorder, and another dropped out because he thought academics weren't for him. Not exactly a ringing endorsement but perhaps it's a reflection on that school or those kids, not private alternative schools as a class.

There are many alternative schools offering all sorts of programming. Google for a list in your area (or ask your kid's doctor for a list) and check some out.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:20 AM on September 5, 2014

Do you have any friends in the area who are homeschooling (or stay-at-home parents) who would be willing to have him at their house during the day? If so, you could sign him up for K12 (through one of the schools at http://www.k12.com/participating-schools/colorado# ) and just have him do his work at the friend's house. From what I've read, the K12 program is pretty structured, so as long as he is willing to do assignments that are assigned, he shouldn't need much self-motivation. (As opposed to the motivation needed for "I want to learn Algebra so I'm going to work my way through all the Kahn Academy videos by Christmas")
posted by belladonna at 9:24 AM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

Junior God and Baby Goddess are in a homeschool co-op. They "go to school" three days a week for 5 hours, and are homeschooled the rest of the time. The teachers at the co-op provide detailed lesson plans for Junior and Baby to follow, they have to have assignments turned in on time, etc. It's very much structured.

If you can find something like that near you, you may be able to work out transportation, supervision, etc. with other co-op parents, so that bibliokid can have the structure he needs, plus the laid-back-ness of homeschooling, plus you and biblioman not having to be home for significant parts of the day.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 9:27 AM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Go back and talk to your original district -- he may be eligible for a much less chaotic setting with an IEP in place, such as an alternative school with very small classes, a one-on-one aide, a small ASD classroom, or similar. To some extent it depends on how large your district is, but most large districts have some kind of small classroom alternative program that can provide the structure of school with less chaos and distraction than a traditional classroom.

They are also some really, really excellent ASD programs in Denver (including a program that helps autistic kids attend college at CSU); if you're not already hooked in to Colorado autism advocacy groups, get hooked in, they're very active and may have alternatives and resources for you to pursue.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:36 AM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

The diagnosis was suggested by several teachers by discarded by a neurologist because my son is very verbal and makes eye contact

Just to address this: you can be very verbal and make eye contact and still have autism. It's weird that the neurologist told you that.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:52 AM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

We choiced my son into a smaller school in a neighboring town because our school system is overcrowded and chaotic. However, that school has lost a lot of it's special ed funding, so I've been told that they can't offer him any IEP or 504 program. And since he's not from the district, they don't have to

If your son has an IEP and your school district can't deliver the free and appropriate public education he is entitled to, they need to find someone who can and provide transportation to get him there. If that other school could offer it, your school district should pay for him to go there.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:57 AM on September 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

And that's not "should" as in "that would be nice of them," that's "should" as in "this is a federal civil-rights law they need to follow."
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:00 AM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Our school district does have an IEP program, but our school district is also really, really not good - overcrowded, underfunded, even violent. I'd like to avoid sending him back there, if I can, even with accommodations.

I don't me to threadsit - thank you for all your responses so far.
posted by bibliowench at 10:06 AM on September 5, 2014

The IEP/504 questions are ones you should take to a local lawyer. There might be another solution, but the law is designed to help people precisely like you, but you often need an attorney to access those resources. COPAA is an organization that could probably help you find a local attorney to help. What the school told you may well be true, and it may well not be true, schools often (intentionally and unintentionally) mislead parents about their rights. A lawyer can help you sort out your options, and initial consultations are often free.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:16 AM on September 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Yup. The phrase you need is "out-of-district placement."
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:17 AM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Around here there are ASD schools but they can be quite costly even with a scholarship. There's a big movement away from segregated schools for those with disabilities so at least here you won't find the current public programs accepting new students.

I've known parents who got their child into a different district with better special ed but I'm not sure of the process (and they were responsible for transportation).

I have aspergers and honestly I crave structure. I don't think I gained the skills to survive without set structure until my early 20s (I'm 26 now).

My point is, a lot depends on how much money you can throw at it.
posted by Aranquis at 10:48 AM on September 5, 2014

Yeah, you need to speak to an educational advocate about your family's rights (and the rights actually belong to you, as his parent) to a "Free, Appropriate Public Education" (FAPE) for your child. The public school district in which you live is required to provide it. The district your son goes to school in may also be misleading you (either intentionally, or unintentionally because these laws are complex and they honestly may not know their obligations) about what they're required to provide. It may be that the school district in which you live is required to provide funds to the receiving district for his special ed needs, or to pay for private school, or to pay for outside tutoring, or any number of other solutions. It may also be that there are free or very cheap 504/IEP plans (such as extra breaks to calm down, or being allowed to wear headphones or earplugs during non-lecture time in class, or a note to all his teachers asking them not to touch him so he won't be startled) that you have the right to ask for.

The way to find all of this out is to consult an educational attorney/advocate. Here are some folks I found on Google who specialize in providing these services for free or cheap to families in need in your area. I don't know any of these organizations personally and can't vouch for whether they'll be able to help you, but it's a place to start.
Snap4Kids
The Legal Center
The Arc

(IAAL, IANYL, IANASpecialEdL. But I work with a lot of special needs kids, and I've seen a lot of families struggle to get services on their own, and succeed only when a lawyer gets involved and forces the schools to respect their kids' rights.)
posted by decathecting at 11:38 AM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

And I should say: expect to be told a lot of things by all of the school officials you interact with that are not true about your rights. Expect them to say no to everything, and to tell you that you don't have the right to ask for things, and to tell you that there's no way to appeal, and to tell you that you have to pay for things out of pocket, and to tell you that there's nothing they can do. Many of the things they tell you will be false. Some of them will be intentional lies, because bureaucrats often don't like to do things that are hard or expensive. Some of the things you are told will be mistakes, because most bureaucrats are not lawyers and may not understand how education law works. Some of the things you are told may be partly true, or true for some kids but not your son, or true unless you do some little thing that you're happy to do, but they won't tell you that part. Expect that you are going to have to spend a lot of time and energy and effort advocating for your son. But that's why I say get a lawyer. Because you need someone who can tell you what is true and what is not true, and who can be the person who comes with you to all of these meetings, and makes demands that will be respected, and exercises your rights and your son's rights to the fullest extent of the law.
posted by decathecting at 11:42 AM on September 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

If you can take him out of school for a short period without risking his enrollment, possibly over a holiday period extended, you could trial a different schedule.

One of the great things about homeschooling kids who are bright is that they don't need a six-seven hour time period daily to learn as they would at school. You can cover the same materials in 2 hours and have the rest of the time for other activities. No transport time also.

You could do an unconventional school structure where you spend an hour with your son in the morning or evening (let him sleep longer) to plan and review the learning for the day ahead, using a K-12 syllabus from an online school or a very structured homeschool curriculum, and then you come back to review the work with him for a half hour, checking in briefly during that time. And split it with your partner so one parent does math, the other parent does history.

Then fill up the rest of his day with activities that he flourishes in - does he need time to sleep, time to curl up and read, does he thrive in small groups with friends - find a day time activity that works and keeps him occupied meaningfully but not academically. If you're both working fulltime jobs, the real issue is who will babysit/supervise him while you're at work - do you have afterschool clubs or some kind of activity where he can go during office hours, or jobs you can re-arrange for overlapping schedules?

You could also talk to him about repeating the year if that's an option. Two of my kids repeated a year, one due to anxiety-related issues, and it was hugely beneficial for them and socially has been fine. Can you homeschool very lightly this year on the expectation that he will repeat this year at a school, and this is basically a prep year?
posted by viggorlijah at 8:07 PM on September 5, 2014