I am a 35-year-old female, my husband is 44. We are having issues with mismatched libidos, but it goes deeper than that.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
So, about a year+ ago, I totally lost my libido. Like, not on my radar at all. I thought, okay, it's a phase, it'll pass. In the past, I've been the one with the higher drive, but since my husband started testosterone supplements, his drive is much higher than it was. Well, this phase is not passing, and in fact is getting worse. I actively dislike it when he touches or kisses me now...it skeeves me out. I resent when he gropes me or whatever because it feels objectifying. It just seems that I'm not attracted to him anymore, full stop. We haven't had sex in a couple of months, and it's all I can do to give him a handjob every now and then.
He does NOT know the extent to which this has gone, he just thinks that my sex drive is gone and hates it. I hate it too but I have no idea what to do. I do still love him, but it's more of a "friend" sort of feeling, not a "romantic" kind of love. I brought up the idea of couples counseling the other day, and he didn't know what to think about that. He actually said, "Why?" Well, DUH, things are terrible. But if he doesn't know now and we go to counseling, he will undoubtedly find out and I would feel even more terrible than I already do, which would be a neat trick because I already feel like the worst person in the world.
We have experimented with polyamory/swinging in the past, and met another couple last year that we thought would be a good match; around that time is when I lost my libido, though, so things didn't progress. We're still friends with them, and I know he's attracted to the woman. I would be FINE if they had a thing so he could have an outlet, but the husband of this couple is sort of a douche who resents that his wife has multiple partners and he can't find anyone. So, for now at least, that's off the table. And he hasn't had any luck finding anyone else.
Our sex life has never been stellar...I hold some resentment about that, I admit. I feel that he's never been super-responsive to what I want. He claims to be, and will do what I need for a little while, but there's never any follow-through. He also has issues with premature ejaculation that have not ever improved...he'll start "working on it" but again, no follow-through.
Also, since he started the testosterone supplementation (which was definitely a necessary thing, based on his test results), he's been more angry. He's always been a mellow person who will suddenly snap and go ballistic...I hate it and have talked to him about it MANY times, but it still happens. But now it just seems even worse. He shoved me once when we were arguing, even. He's just not all that fun to be with a lot of the time anymore. He snaps at our kids and then feels bad about it, but when he feels bad, he withdraws and doesn't do anything to make it better.
So, I have no idea what to do, but this is all eating away at me. Is this fixable? Could this still be a phase? Is counseling a good idea? (I know AskMe always says yes to this) I don't want to split up, I want to fix this because I do love him.