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August 31, 2014 6:39 AM   Subscribe

I am a woman in my late 30s embarking upon an LDR. We plan to be together about half the time. After about 2 weeks of separation, I find myself going out of my head with sexual frustration.

I am back to my collegiate habits of masturbating multiple times a day. While this is fun (I get a chance to watch porn he doesn't like, etc.), I also find it a bit of a drag. For example, I haven't had to jerk off at work since my early 20s, and that's a time in my life I don't really miss.

I've stepped up my exercise, which actually seems to make matters worse. I need to be "on" professionally, so I can't exercise to the point of physical exhaustion every day.

We aren't that oversexed when we're together. 3-4x a week, and maybe 1x a week masturbating (for me).

Opening up the relationship is not on the table. Yes, we have phone/Skype sex.

Suggestions? Thank you.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (3 answers total)
 
Perhaps an adjustment of your mindset may be helpful, since you've already discarded the obvious solutions. Instead of fretting about how horny you are, think about it as anticipating/saving up for what's going to happen the next time you see each other.

This is one of the problems with LDRs; you have all of that New Relationship I Must Fuck You All Day energy, without the ability to do it quite as often as you'd like. You probably know from past experience that this feeling will fade within a couple of months; keeping that in your head may also work.

What may also help is decreasing the frequency of being your own best friend in favour of really making an event of it. I get the sense, which may be incorrect, that you're masturbating in a quick and perfunctory way to stem the tide. Instead, try setting aside a couple hours every few days and just wearing yourself out.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:51 AM on August 31 [2 favorites]


Not to be trite, but... enjoy it? Because it's a phase, and it will pass, and you will look back on these days with mirth and wonder.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:52 AM on August 31 [14 favorites]


It will pass. New relationship energy and all that. It's not sustainable, and therefore will even itself out or become a functionality issue that may require treatment of some kind.

Nobody "has to" jerk off at work unless they work in a very unusual job - if anything, now you're sexualizing your work headspace, and that's a choice you're making that's perpetuating the problem. You may need to choose to curb your sexythinking during non-sexy parts of the day, and kind of corral your sexual behavior into a dedicated period of time. Like fffm suggests, make some quality time for yourself at night, but be in work mode during the work day.

Ultimately, this is a decision you make rather than a permanent condition that is imposed on you and will never change or be changeable. It's not much different than managing hunger - you need to use your intellectual powers to decide when and how often to eat, not just indulge every passing craving.

If you literally cannot stop yourself (unless you're with him, in which case you have high social pressure to fake "normalcy"), however, treat this as a medical issue and go get your yearly bloodwork panel run even if it's not time yet. If you changed anything with regard to your hormonal contraception with the advent of this relationship, there might be something going on there, as well. Or if you decide this is a behavior pattern triggered by anxiety when you're not around him, there are options for treating that as well.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:55 AM on August 31 [7 favorites]


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