Help me make a good impression on my partner's mother

November 6, 2005 8:03 PM

Help me make a good impression on my partner's mother, even though she doesn't know I'm her daughter's partner.

My partner is graduating from college on December 10th. Her mother, who I’ve only met once (in passing, at an airport while she had a flight layover), is coming to stay with us for several days before and after the graduation ceremony. She currently believes I am only her daughter's roommate, so I need advice on how to make a good impression as a person, not as a partner.

The background: my girlfriend is not out to her family for various (and very compelling) reasons, including financial dependency. I am fine with this decision and this is not a point of contention in our relationship. Advice of the “why doesn’t she just come out already?” variety is not necessary. I just want some general tips on how I can carry on respectful, interested conversations with her mother, and show that I care about her daughter without sounding as though I’m asking for her hand in marriage or interviewing for the position. I hope to lay the groundwork for the day she does find out I’m involved with her daughter by coming across as friendly, mature and responsible, I’m just not quite sure how to convey these qualities to her without being awkward.

posted by aebaxter to human relations (34 comments total)

I'm honestly confused. If she's not out, how can you convey to her mother that you care about her on the level of a relationship without outing her? Otherwise, it just sounds like you would have dinner with the mother as if you were "just" one of her daughter's friends.
posted by Rothko at 8:13 PM on November 6, 2005

Smile.
Engage her in polite conversation. Make her feel at home.
If your partner is making breakfast/lunch/dinner or just a cup of tea offer to help out in the kitchen or with the serving.
Offer to show her around the city/town you live in. Goodluck.
posted by Chimp at 8:18 PM on November 6, 2005

don't talk about politics or religion.
posted by brandz at 8:21 PM on November 6, 2005

I feel that the way you have already organized your thoughts on the matter have put you well ahead of the game. Essentially you just want to have this experience while putting a good face on it. Well thought out.

So, there will be no "outing" at this time, however, you want to be seen in a good light for possible future "outings", so to speak.

Have fun, don't be affraid of making a new friend, and be genuine. This seems to be a great opportunity for you to really become a part of the family, even if it is under the guise of friendship. That's cool, and I'm happy for you and your partner.
posted by snsranch at 8:36 PM on November 6, 2005

Is part of the reasoning for your question due to being afraid that you could out her accidentally?
posted by odinsdream at 8:44 PM on November 6, 2005

Is part of the reasoning for your question due to being afraid that you could out her accidentally?

I guess we're both wary of the possibility that we could leave something sitting around (a photograph, note, etc.) that's indicative of our relationship, or a pet name could slip out accidentally.

Neither of her parents has ever stayed with us overnight before (much less for an extended period like this) and we've lived together for nearly 3 years now, so we're pretty entrenched in our day to day life. That makes it hard to imagine the specifics of approaching this situation as a friend or roommate instead of a romantic partner.
posted by aebaxter at 8:53 PM on November 6, 2005

Have an explaination ready for what's going on in your love life. There's a possibility (just guessing, without knowing this Mom) that she's imagine a fun sleepover type environment, with lots of shopping and talking about boys- ya know, "girl stuff". So, have an answer to the question, "So, aebaxter, do you have a boyfriend?"
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:01 PM on November 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

Instead of telling her things, ask her stuff.
posted by growabrain at 9:08 PM on November 6, 2005

All I have to offer is be mature, responsible, courteous, and no public display of affection. Don't try to be someone you're not: either you will mess up, or you will put any future relationship on shaky footing.
posted by ilsa at 9:13 PM on November 6, 2005

Wow, this sounds really hard. Good luck.

However, one advantage is that, as a "roommate", the expectations are so much lower. As long as you seem like a friendly gal with good morals and who has her shit together, they'll probably love you.

Also, I know a few straight females who have pet names for their roommates. It threw me off at first (it wasn't a big deal, just a funny story), but I've come to learn that it's not uncommon.
posted by Eamon at 9:15 PM on November 6, 2005

don't worry. mom already knows. they ALWAYS know.
posted by luriete at 9:25 PM on November 6, 2005

You can't do your partner's work for her, and lying will only make forging a real relationship more difficult later on. Her mother's reaction to you will be about her, not you.

Show that you care about your partner, but let them set the agenda. Don't lie, and don't make things too easy on anyone. This isn't tough love. You've been put a tight spot.

I was in your partner's position. Trust me, if she is letting mom visit she is thinking about coming out. Mom will pick up on your affection. It's hard to hide. Remember, their relationship will be front and center this visit. Your relationship will matter later, but they have stuff they need to deal with. You can't do this for them


Sorry if I sound like Ann Landers. I've been in your partner's shoes. She needs to fix this, and it sounds like she will. Good luck. If it's any comfort, you sound like a real catch.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 9:30 PM on November 6, 2005

On priview. Luriete is right. They do know. Mom will ask what she needs to know.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 9:33 PM on November 6, 2005

As luriete and gesamtkunstwerk:
Mom knows, she 's just coming to check...
posted by lorbus at 9:40 PM on November 6, 2005

I know you want to make an impression. But after a meet and greet or a little more, why couldn't you do your own thing for a few days and let them have their mom and daughter time? If you're just roommates, you probably wouldn't spend your days as a unit, anyway. Spending a night or two at a friend's might help avoid a lot of awkwardness.
posted by glibhamdreck at 9:48 PM on November 6, 2005

Mom doesn't necessarily know. Mine didn't, despite her being fine about gay stuff, and my having wallpaper of naked girls! I actually kind of assumed she did know, but she really didn't.
posted by crabintheocean at 9:57 PM on November 6, 2005

Don't assume she knows. My good friend from college -- whose girlfriends would even spend the night in her bed when they visited her parents -- just found out that her mother has assumed that she's a 27-year-old virgin because she's never mentioned boys before.

Of course, she was very good at "straitening up" whenever her mom came over. This goes beyond taking down provacative pictures, and includes hiding toys and lifestyle indicators in places where they're extemely unlikely to be found -- like behind something under something in something that will require two people's effort to move.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:32 PM on November 6, 2005

I agree with those who think you might be in denial about the meaning of this visit. The whole idea of trying to keep your relationship a secret strikes me as very bad idea. It smacks of really bad sit-com TV actually, which is likely why I personally never found that kind of thing funny.

I'd especially urge you to disregrad the advice to concoct some fabricated story about your supposed love lives. The truth is always preferable to a lie, no matter how painful it might seem at the time. You both need to decide whether you want to mislead her mother and perhaps forever sour any possible relationship; or else adopt a policy of honesty, or otherwise somehow avoid this situation till she is no longer financially dependent.

I personally find it difficult to believe a that woman with a daughter old enough to graduate college is clueless as to her sexual orientation, in this day and age.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 10:42 PM on November 6, 2005

ThePinkSuperhero writes "Have an explanation ready for what's going on in your love life. "

It seems like most dangerous position you could get in is one in which you're lying about stuff. If her mom winds up perceiving you as a liar, all your other efforts will be for naught. So I'd avoid making up anything about your love life. I like glibhamdreck's advice:

glibhamdreck writes "But after a meet and greet or a little more, why couldn't you do your own thing for a few days and let them have their mom and daughter time? If you're just roommates, you probably wouldn't spend your days as a unit, anyway."

This seems smart. In a way, every moment you spend with them together, you're telling a lie: denying your relationship. You don't want to create the impression that you're trying to deceive your partner's mother. Nothing could be more disrespectful, really.

You're in a really tough spot here. I've had to hide a live-in girlfriend during a visit from my parents, and it was difficult. I can only imagine what you have to deal with.
posted by mr_roboto at 11:10 PM on November 6, 2005

Am I the only one who doesn't know what out means?
posted by PuGZ at 11:15 PM on November 6, 2005

Just cheat! Have your girlfriend tell you all about her mom, especially what she values, what she's proud of and how to flatter her, and then say & do all the right things. You've been living together for three years, you probably already have a pretty good idea of these things, but still have your partner explicitly tell you.
posted by palegirl at 11:25 PM on November 6, 2005

Yeah you just might be, PuGS...
posted by shanevsevil at 11:36 PM on November 6, 2005

just act normal -- maybe its just me, but there seems to be trace amounts of sexual tension between all girls who are good friends -- perhaps its just that girls arent afraid to show affection
posted by Satapher at 11:44 PM on November 6, 2005

PuGZ: To be "out" is to be openly gay.
posted by S.C. at 11:47 PM on November 6, 2005

The threshold for what is considered "normal" affection is pretty all over-the-map with girls. Don't stress it too much...as long as the pictures aren't naked and the pet names aren't explicit, you'll seem like just good girlfriends. (In the platonic sense. BTW, I do speak from personal experience.)

Don't try too hard to suck up to her mom, but asking her questions about herself to start a conversation and avoiding politics/religion will endear you to her. Also, be prepared to talk about what you're majoring in/working on/whatever. She'll be interested to know what her daughter's roommate-best friend is interested in.
posted by desuetude at 5:58 AM on November 7, 2005

If I were you I think I'd just go somewhere else for that weekend. It seems like the best way to avoid weirdness now and in the future. I can't see how this would turn out good when you eventually tell her mother -if she's unsympathetic she's going to feel like you lied and deceived her, if she's fine with it all she might feel guilty that you had to go through hiding your relationship because of her. I guess you could pretend you didn't get together until after this visit, but that seems even stranger if you've been together three years.

If you're a roommate, she probably won't expect you to be around all that much anyway, and if you go away now, you'll have a blank slate with her mother when your gf eventually comes out. I think I'd find this situation very difficult, I feel like it would be bad if my partner was good at lying about me, and bad if she wasn't.

Good luck.
posted by crabintheocean at 7:55 AM on November 7, 2005

Assuming Mom doesn't know, you should have a conversation with your partner in advance about what happens if Mom figures it out and gets confrontational.
posted by sohcahtoa at 8:09 AM on November 7, 2005

My default in any situation where I might have to talk about personal stuff I don't want to talk about is to talk about food. Restaurants, recipes, ingredients, markets, holiday food and daily diet. Everybody eats, everybosy has opinions on food, it's generally pretty neutral, and is a subject that can be dragged out indefinitiely.
posted by Sara Anne at 8:30 AM on November 7, 2005

Of course, none of my business - but I'd love a follow-up to find out how the visit resolves itself. Can't Matt get follow-up.metafilter.com together?
posted by Pericles at 9:15 AM on November 7, 2005

Depends on what kind of mom she is, too. My roommate's (for real, no wink wink this time) mom would wonder what was going on if the other person who lives in her daughter's house wasn't around sometimes and willing to be friendly. Let your girlfriend's mom's expectations drive how much time you spend hanging around.
posted by desuetude at 6:10 PM on November 7, 2005

Right: people - it's the partner's graduation from college! Any good friend/roommate (it sounds like the mother at least knows you're close friends) would stick around for that and the festivities. One night away, sure, but skipping out for the majority of it doesn't really seem likely.

Good luck - there's some good advice here: practice what you'll call each other ahead of time - that gets ingrained and suddenly using 'real' names can make you giggle. Have a plan if she does find out. Have a set of topics you can bring up (have your partner prep you, or you probably already know these...) that won't cause conflict. Generally be around and kind, but not smothering and protective or all inside-jokey. My guess is she knows already.
posted by barnone at 8:47 PM on November 7, 2005

Sounds like you should have a plan in place with your gf in case you get asked directly... how comfortable she'd be with any particular answer is really up to her...
posted by softlord at 6:32 AM on November 8, 2005

Pericles, Matt has extended the time limit on posting to AskMe questions. This question will be available for additional commentary for a year, if I remember correctly.

I too would like to hear how it goes.
posted by odinsdream at 12:42 PM on November 8, 2005

For anyone who is still following this thread: her mother came, stayed for 5 days, and went. We made an effort to separate our stuff into what seemed like a reasonable "roommate" level of segregation, and we slept in separate rooms while she was here.

I think that she did know, but nothing was ever verbalized. I was included in every family activity and introduced by name, not by "roommate." Everyone survived.
posted by aebaxter at 2:18 PM on December 13, 2005