I want to lose ten to fifteen pounds. I was bulimic for five years. How do I accomplish the former without revisiting the latter?
I'm in my early 20s. 5'2" and about 120 lbs. I know that doesn't sound like too much, but I just don't carry the weight well at all. I have thin limbs and small breasts, so when I'm outfitted in well-fitting clothes, I look quite petite. However, I've gained about ten to fifteen pounds (I don't weight myself so this is a guess) in the last few months and all of it has gone to my stomach and hips. The weight gain isn't just in my head because clothes that fit me in November don't fit me now. It makes me unhappy, I don't like it, and I want it gone.
I gained weight because I had two guests staying with me for two months. They were two dudes in their early 20s who are over 6', so they would eat constantly, and they would drink constantly, and it was the drinking that was my downfall. I stopped drinking a month ago. I don't drink soda. I don't have desserts. So what's the problem with a healthy diet?
The language and behavior around dieting is so triggering that I don't know how to continue without reverting back into a version of myself where I throw up after every meal. It has taken me years to get to a place where I don't have an emotional crisis if I eat a donut and god forbid, let myself digest it. (And really, I'm not eating donuts constantly. I'll have one when I visit my dad, which is like, once every two months.) So when I hear advice like "no carbs, no refined sugar, no this, no that", I understand the science behind it and I understand why it's necessary but a part of me recoils, because I spent five years of my life living with that mindset to the point where I cried ater my dad's birthday dinner because I had to eat pasta and didn't have time to purge. I don't want to hate myself for enjoying food and alcohol because in the grand scheme of things, on my deathbed, I'd rather remember enjoying a good dinner with close friends than crying in the bathroom because I feel "forced" into eating.
I exercise, but either way I slice it, calorie restriction has to happen for me to lose weight. I also know that after losing the weight, healthy and consistent eating habits are integral to not gaining the weight back. For me, "no carbs, no sugar, no beer or wine, no junk ever" is unsustainable because it will crescendo into a full-blown fear or avoidance of food. I haaaaaate terms like "clean eating" because it divides food into good and bad camps, and that also aggravate my disordered tendencies.
I've seen this very similar recent thread
, but the advice is either of the "no carbs, no snacks, no bad fats" variety or assumes that I'm baking and going out to restaurants all the time (which are totally fine things to do, but I don't do that, so the advice to stop doing that doesn't help me.)
So basically, considering all of the above, how do I lose weight without relapsing into the awful disordered eating habits?
(Our favorite answer, therapy, will happen in September once I switch over to insurance that covers it.)