Is he a narcissist, or just very self-centred?
August 18, 2014 1:08 PM Subscribe
I've been dating a guy (30) for half a year, and though I am blinded by love, I'm starting to see signs that he could be narcissistic, but am not sure.
posted by palomago to Human Relations (44 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I am a 23 year old woman, and am in love with this guy. He has admitted that he is very self conscious with his image, and I've noticed him looking at himself in the mirror or in a reflection every time we pass by one. He constantly talks about mens fashion, and what looks good on him. He changes his hairstyle all the time and asks me if I like it. He doesn't like his eyes, and so wears sunglasses whenever possible, because he says that he has lost his spark that he used to have, even though i love his eyes and have told him I'd rather see him without glasses, so then he takes them off eventually. He talks about himself all the time, and doesn't ask me questions. I'm always asking him questions, and from looking at some questions on this website I've learnt that some people communicate by asking questions to each other (like me), and others sort of expect you to contribute with ideas without them having to ask questions (possibly him?). But whenever I say something, instead of asking about it he says something about himself instead, as if he needs to prove something.
He still has his online dating profile up, even though he has told me that the last date he went on with another woman was a few months ago which I do believe because he used to tell me about his dates all the time until one day he told me he only wants to date me and nobody else, but he goes on his profile every day (he doesn't know I know this but I plan on asking him about it soon). I think he probably goes on the website for validation, and probably likes receiving messages from women because it makes him feel more worthy.
However, over time he has finally started to open up more and be more generous and comfortable and affectionate. He likes to hug me in public now, and hold my hand. This wasn't the case until quite recently, and I can sense that he likes me more every time we meet.
Also I've read that narcissists love to give lots of presents and shower their partner with compliments, and then go cold and distant on them. My boyfriend doesn't do this, he has never given me a present even though he said he would but then forgets or says it is still in in house or whatever, and he doesn't compliment me too much. But when he does compliment me, it is very thoughtful and he has started complimenting me a bit more every time we see each other.
Oh, also, we have never had sex, which is another thing I read about narcissistic people, that they use their partners for sex, and that they are very confident, but my boyfriend has told me things that he lacks confidence in, even though most of the time he is a bit of a show off. This is what makes me doubt he is narcissistic, and maybe just has low self esteem.
He hasn't met my friends, but someone close to me who was dating a sociopath for a few years says that from what I've described, they have similar personalities. I wouldn't say I agree as my guy seems quite normal most of the time and does listen to me sometimes, whereas her ex partner was actually abusive to her children and incredibly charming and manipulative in a scary way. My boyfriend isn't abusive. But sometimes I am not very good at judging people, and so this is why I've decided to ask metafilter. I realise most of you are going to say that it doesn't matter whether he is narcissistic or not and to dump him anyway, but my question is whether or not he is narcissistic or am I exaggerating here? Thank you!