How to get over someone who left you for someone else?
August 12, 2014 6:31 PM   Subscribe

How I get over my ex who left me for someone else?

If you can tell I had a bumpy ride with this particular girl. We dated exactly for a year and we had problems started towards the end of it. Anyways, a week before my graduation, she breaks up with my over the phone and it was very emotional for me. She did this over the phone. She said that we're just at different points in our lives, she works full time (I work full time NOW also) and the whole time we dated, I was in school. Graduated just after my break up. I really loved this person and even tho we had our differences, I was willing to work out with this person and gave up everything to be with her. But instead she ends up breaking up with me. Couple weeks after the break up, I learnt to see that she was talking with other guys in other city. They were on social media where the guy commented that her mother is gonna be his future mother in law. It hurts me most that she did all this behind my back and it even got to marriage talk not even 2 weeks after my break up.

I had doubts when we were together because she used to keep her phone with her all the time (even in the showers). I still trusted her and kept telling my self that nothing else is happening. But it's been about 3 months since we last broke up and I really cannot keep her out of my head. Just the fact that she left me for someone else, is really killing me. I did everything I could to make this work. I do not talk to her except I texted her to see if she had chance to return my stuff, she has been saying that since we broke up but hasn't sent it yet. Anyways, Im not worried about that a lot and stopped texting her.

I need your guys' advice to help me move on from this relationship. Make me realize that this relationship was not for me. This was my first ever serious gf.
posted by Parh6512 to Human Relations (17 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Take care of yourself. Make sure you eat real food every day (this one I really struggle with after breakups). Try to exercise and get sleep.

Do things that make you feel like you are taking care of yourself. What would you do for a loved one if they had the flu? Do that.

Keep showing up to work (another one I struggle with after a breakup).

This one is important: don't call her. Don't text. Don't email. No contact will help tremendously.

Tell a friend or two that you had a bad breakup and let them bring you pizza or Chinese food and watch a movie together.

Thank your lucky stars that you found out about what her true character is now, rather than wasting more time being in love with the type of person who does this kind of thing.

Best of luck to you. Breakups are painful and hard. Just take good care of yourself as you move through it.

Oh, I have also found that writing down my feelings really helps. They're out and get processed faster that way. You don't have to keep the writing or share it with anyone.
posted by sockermom at 6:47 PM on August 12, 2014 [3 favorites]


Block her on all social media. You have no reason to be reading about her at all, it only makes things worse. Don't contact her at all anymore. There's no need for you to communicate with her. You don't know all the details of why she broke up with you and you never will. Stop imagining the most hurtful scenarios.

In six months you'll feel better, in a year this will all seem like a distant memory. There's no need to dwell on any what-ifs. Now that you're broken up, look forward. Don't look for clues or reasons why she broke up with you. You made the effort and, for whatever reason, she didn't. A relationship requires both people to be committed and to be compatible with a similar vision for their lives as well as similar values. The feelings and commitment from one of the partners cannot compensate for the lack of the same from the other partner. In many ways your life is just beginning. You are out of school, have a new job, and have just ended your first serious relationship. Distract yourself with things that you enjoy doing and have faith that time will make this easier.
posted by quince at 6:47 PM on August 12, 2014 [3 favorites]


Uh, if she started talking to other guys two or three weeks after the break up, then she did not do this behind your back. When someone breaks up with you, they are free to immediately date others. They are not "bad" for doing so. (Forgive me if I got that detail incorrect, but it seemed to be the narrative you were laying down)

Usually when someone breaks up with you, they're already "over it" so to speak. They're not going to feel the same way as you because they've already processed the break up.

----

Stop following this person on social media. It's hurting you, and anyway, it's rude.

Of course you'll have other serious relationships, just as soon as you grieve this one and move on in your head. Your heart will catch up, trust me.
posted by jbenben at 6:49 PM on August 12, 2014 [5 favorites]


Feel bad about it, honestly. If this was your first serious relationship, you should hurt from the breakup, because that's what teaches you about loving someone and about loss.

You will feel better in time, but you don't have to feel better immediately. It's not the end of the world, and there are tons of things you can do to try to get over it more quickly, but it will probably just take time.
posted by xingcat at 6:50 PM on August 12, 2014


if she started talking to other guys two or three weeks after the break up, then she did not do this behind your back. When someone breaks up with you, they are free to immediately date others.

I think his point was that if another man is talking about marrying her on social media 2 weeks after the breakup, they probably didn't start seeing each other in the past 2 weeks.

Parh, this relationship was not for you, the only thing you need to know to realize that is the fact that she broke up with you. It only adds to that point that she broke up with you in a cruel way and the implication of cheating has arisen since then.

I'm not sure what stuff of yours she still has, but unless it's really important stuff, I'd forget about it and try not to contact her whatsoever. There are very few material possessions that would be worth the pain and drama that could result from interacting with this person again.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:58 PM on August 12, 2014 [6 favorites]


It does suck to be dumped. Mourn the relationship a bit but do pick yourself up and move on. I console myself with knowing what other people do, think, and feel is beyond my control. The fact that your ex-girlfriend is talking with other men does not make you a lesser man.

I look back on friends and boyfriends and feel contentment where I used to feel humiliation and regret. One boyfriend broke up with me and there are a couple friends who are no longer friends. In some instances I behaved poorly. I own up to the fact that I contributed to the demise and I don't dislike them if they don't like me. It is what it is and all I can do is learn from the broken relationships and do better in the future.

Live your life and try not to analyze too much why she is talking to other guys. There are a lot of women out there that you can be talking with. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 7:04 PM on August 12, 2014


I suspect if she's talking to multiple other guys and one of them made a comment about marrying her, it was probably a joke. From your previous dozen questions about this same girl you've been breaking up every couple months the entire relationship, usually because you were being controlling and selfish. This is not a surprise and I think trying to pin some sort of wrongdoing or infidelity onto her post-fact (without actual basis) is a bitter and unfair thing to do.
posted by celtalitha at 7:16 PM on August 12, 2014 [20 favorites]


OK, the thing about the future mother-in-law was almost certainly a joke. She didn't leave you for this guy and she's probably not going to marry him.

And if she does . . . it's not your business. I'm not sure how we can make you see that this relationship is not for you if the responses to your last four questions about this same girl haven't.

Getting left for someone else sucks, trust me. Getting dumped for no reason sucks. The worst thing I ever got dumped for was that the guy said he just wasn't social in the winter time. (100% true.) No matter why or how a relationship ends, the only cure is time and distance.

Go cold turkey, STOP LOOKING AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA, block numbers, texts, profiles, emails and everything else. Find some talk therapy to deal with cross-cultural issues and romantic obsession because dude, you are not in a good place over this girl. She can't offer you anything to cure it -- closure comes from within and you need to find a way to get perspective on how to find that closure.

I'm also thinking a bit about this from the girl's perspective. I dated a guy, it didn't work out, so I ended it and we stayed friendly. Months after the break-up I got a nasty email out of the blue from pictures that he saw from a family wedding not only on my FB page but on my sister's, my mother's and my friend's. (Who does that??) He was pissed because I took the guy I'd been dating for a while. He accused me of cheating on him when we were dating by manufacturing time lines for my new relationship in his head. I told him to piss off and never to contact me again; honestly, the depth of his fixation after all the time since the break up really freaked me out. He escalated. He harassed me, stalked me, showed up in my building, harangued my friends and family. He sent long rambling emails about how much he loved me, how much he missed me, totally building scenarios about my life based on whatever information he could gather on me. It was scary. I eventually went to the police; he backed off when an actual cop had to call him up and tell him what a restraining order is. (I was lucky.) Please, for your own well-being, let this girl be; she's entitled to live a life without you checking up on it and making her decisions huge things for you to ruminate on. It's not about you. Please get yourself into therapy before you start making stupid decisions because you can't let go of something that clearly was never a good fit for you.
posted by mibo at 7:36 PM on August 12, 2014 [8 favorites]


Hide her on all social media.

Eventually you'll meet someone with whom you don't have constant problems. You won't need to ask ask.me all these questions about how to deal with your bad relationship. And then, I think, you will realize that this one wasn't the one, and you'll be over it.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:49 PM on August 12, 2014 [1 favorite]


OK, firstly, you're going to be OK. You will get over this. It's just a matter of time.

I really loved this person and even tho we had our differences, I was willing to work out with this person and gave up everything to be with her.


I'm sorry, but that's irrelevant. She did not want to be with you. She did not love you anymore. This decision was out of your hands, and there was nothing you could have done.

Couple weeks after the break up, I learnt to see that she was talking with other guys in other city. They were on social media where the guy commented that her mother is gonna be his future mother in law. It hurts me most that she did all this behind my back and it even got to marriage talk not even 2 weeks after my break up.


You will drive yourself crazy with this stuff. That was almost certainty a joke in any case. What she does now and who she does it with is none of your business. Block her on social media. Block her phone number. Block her email. Put yourself in a position where you are never prompted to think about her again.

It's OK to feel sad. You had a relationship you valued and now it's over. But that feeling will pass.

Make a conscious effort to release your bitterness. You cannot change what happened, but you can control how you think about it. Make an effort to think about something else when you think about her. Eventually, you won't think about her or, at least, you won't think about her with the raw emotional force that you do now.

Be kind to yourself. Eat well, work out, go out and have fun with your friends. Your relationship was only one part of your life. Focus on the other parts now.

I will leave you with this conversation from one of my favorite books.
"You go on. You just go on. There's nothing more to it, and there's no trick to make it easier. You just go on."

"And what do you find on the other side? When you go on?"

"Your life again. What else?"

"Is that a promise?"

"It's an inevitability. No trick. No choice. You just go on."
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:52 PM on August 12, 2014 [10 favorites]


I can see why you're upset. At the same time, I don't see how you gave up everything for her. You have a job, a degree, your family, your health, you don't have a kid together...there's a lot more to give up.

At this point your narrative of the situation seems sort of out of proportion. I think talking to a therapist about how to reframe these kinds of thoughts to be more in line with the reality of the situation would be helpful.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:08 PM on August 12, 2014 [8 favorites]


I'm getting this vibe from your comments that you think she owed herself to you because you worked hard on the relationship and did everything you could. If so, you need to derail that thought train right now. No matter how much you think you did right, she was free to walk away for any reason or for no reason. You could be the perfect man, and she still gets to leave you if she wants to.

She also gets to see whoever she wants now. It hurts to be left, no matter why she did it, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But you'll heal a lot faster if you can accept that doing everything right was never any kind of guarantee.
posted by kythuen at 9:47 PM on August 12, 2014 [2 favorites]


I remember you, actually, from your previous questions. I had no idea I've been on this website that long. Wow. Anyway, I am sorry to hear it didn't work out.

What I will say is I remember in your early questions, you were a bit unsure of yourself and unsure how to approach women. And even if this relationship, perhaps you put up with some things and some flags as not to rock the boat. No one I know has stayed with their first love. I mean, sure, it happens, but I do not think it's the norm. I think I read once the average person falls in love seven times in their lifetime, according to a study. I think first loves are important learning experiences. This girl was not the right girl, but you've learned a lot about yourself and about relationships. That experience is going to make the next one better and more fulfilling.

The fact that she left you for another guy (potentially) hurts, but that piece of it actually doesn't matter at all. It's not about anyone else. It's about the fact that you guys weren't actually the right fit. You loved her, but that doesn't mean your relationship was good or that she was the one. The thing about broken hearts is it just takes time to get over. Distracting yourself and cutting the ex out of your life speeds along the process. But you will get over her eventually. Everyone goes through this and it sucks. But you have a lot going for you. Focus on that and do NOT text her or look at her social media profiles.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:55 PM on August 12, 2014 [2 favorites]


Dude, looking at your previous questions suggests a) not only did you not give up "everything," you gave up *nothing* to be with her; b) you ask questions but then don't consider what almost everyone tells you.

You describe her like an alien being. I'm amazed she took this long to give it up. You are STILL talking about her as an abstract ideal rather than an actual person whose needs you could not meet because you have a deeply patriarchal understanding of modern romance.

You never did take that women's studies class I suggested, I guess. The world does not owe you a girlfriend.
posted by spitbull at 3:14 AM on August 13, 2014 [24 favorites]


You need to see a real, in person therapist and start dealing with some things. You come here and ask questions about this same, very troubled relationship again and again but don't seem to ever take the advice offered.
posted by Candleman at 7:27 AM on August 13, 2014


I don't want to make you feel as though we're piling up on you.

But this relationship has been problematic for a while, you've asked for advice, and you haven't taken any of it.

I want to add my voice to the people saying please see a therapist and get a better sense of things. Print out all your questions and take them with you.

Your current methodology is putting out small fires and not noticing you're standing in the middle of a forest fire. Therapy will help a lot more than asking questions here and will help you see the bigger picture.
posted by kinetic at 8:13 AM on August 13, 2014 [6 favorites]


Also my experience echos Mibo's in that I had an ex who did the same thing, basically stalking me after we broke up and accusing me of liking other guys before we had broken up. This is the same ex I described in a response to one of your previous questions. This really, really worries me and I honestly feel a sense of relief for your ex because I remember how awful it was to be in a relationship with a person who found every excuse to accuse me of something (most of which I didn't do or were completely innocent things). You really, really REALLY need to start taking the advice in all these questions before you get into another relationship or you are going to wind up repeating this situation many times. If you don't want that, please start to respect women's choices as their own business and not your place to control or worry about all the time.
posted by celtalitha at 10:01 AM on August 13, 2014


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