Am I depressed or just pathetic
August 11, 2014 11:08 PM Subscribe
Hi. I know I've posted about my depression before. But I just don't know what to do about it. I can't get better
posted by anon1129 to Human Relations (15 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I'm 21 years old. I feel like I've had fluctuating low grade depression most of my life. I wasn't happy as a kid. My family life was a mess, My parents were split up before I was born, my mom has really bad schizophrenia and only has a fifth grade education, I lived with my dad who was pretty uninvolved, he got a girlfriend to move in when I was 4 and he told me it was so she would take care of me and my sister, and I pretty much raised myself. I didn't really feel loved or taken care of. I always remember feeling sad and shy and different from other people. Here I am a young adult and I don't really feel much better. I never really had any interests growing up, I feel as if I've just passed through life in angst my whole life or something.
I don't even know how to articulate my mental state as of late but it's really bad. I can't think straight, feel blank, hopeless, alienated, disconnected. I am blank especially around other people, I can't think how to respond, I talk without meanin what I'm saying, I put on a positive face but everyone can tell it's my genuine. I feel paranoid and awkward around people.
I don't know what I'm so worried about. I do but it's senseless things. Like if I'm normal, what other people think of me, I feel so rejected and like I'm a weirdo, I think my family doesn't like me... What if I die wil I have even meant anything to anyone? I see all these people with close friendships and that's what I long for. But I can't express myself like they can.
I think I have anxiety and depression. It comes in cycles. I've been crying really easily lately. The other day I had such a stressful awkward day at work I came home stressed and started freaking out about my life and had a terrible headache, felt sick and threw up because of anxiety. I can't stop ruminating. I try to relax by doing my yoga video or making and drinking tea before bed or listening to asmr videos before bed and that helps. But I don't feel fully well
I've been trying so freaking hard to take care of myself and get better and try in life. I work full time. I just got my associates degree. I just broke up with to boyfriend of five years because I didn't love him like he should be loved, I didn't want to be with him, it was a long time coming and the weird part it I don't even feel sad about it. I feel like that's crazy
I try to eat healthy. I try to work out a couple times a week. I want I get into a routine but I don't know what to do. I need structure. I try to hangout with the couple of friends I do have but I just leave hanging out feeling even more alienated because when we talk about my problems or I try to express myself to them I just feel misunderstood and then I feel like no one really gets me.
I used to go to a counselor. It kind of helped but sometimes I feel like she didn't even understand me. I'm very honest with my emotions. I felt like she didn't really want to help me, she just wanted to do her job and didn't really care.
I had a consultation with a psychiatrist a couple months ago. He asked me what I was feelin and I said I think depression and anxiety. He just treated me like I was way overreacting. He asked if I had any kids or was even living on my own or had bills and acted like I had nothing to even worry about. He was actually pretty rude and I left there feeling really angry and offended.
I don't know what I do with myself. I feel like I can't think straight. I can't focus, I'm never present and my mind is always half somewhere else. I feel like if I've always been kinda depressed what's there to look forward to, I probably won't get better, and sometimes I wish something would just happen to me so I didn't have to endure te pain anymore. I suck at life, I don't know how to do it. I feel like I am trying so hard to just be able to function enough to go to work and socialize with coworkers and excercise now and then and I'm not getting anywhere. I'm sure this post is incoherent and I'll probably regret posting this. But I'm just hoping someone will understand, because I can't see what the solution is from my perspective...