Bf wants me to spend more time in his hometown, whereas I feel uncomfortable sleeping at his place-the best/if not only solution in his book-, which leads to me turning down his offers to spend time with his friends and family, and him resenting me for it more and more, bringing each of this instances up everytime I say 'no' to an offer of his, which, in turn, makes me feel like I have to accept said offers or face consequences, which of course doesn't make me want to do those things more. How do I fix it?
posted by opalshards to Human Relations (38 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I have been having comunication and distance related issues lately. The problem stems from the fact we live an hour and a half away from each other by bus, 40 mins by car; I don't have a license (problems with past car accident and overprotective parents), he doesn't have a car and doesn't feel he can take the parents' one away from them for an evening, so, in order to see each other at night, we have to resort to sleeping in each other's hometown. Whilst he's fine with both me sleeping at his place (encourages it, actually) and viceversa, I am learning to be okay with him sleeping at my place and feel uncomfortable sleeping at his. The reasons for that are that I don't really feel at ease living with his family- not because of the family itself, they're all really kind, but because of the idea of it; I am a fairly independent person, I like having my own ('mine' in a general sense- even a hotel room) place to go back to at night, my space, I don't like feeling like I'm a burden or an incovenience, I always feel like I have to look presentable even to go to the bathroom if I am in someone else's place, and this leads to me being unable to relax entirely. Surely this is also because I'm not a very 'social' person by nature and circumstances (only child who never had many friends) and being the sort of person who spends energy when they're being 'social' rather than being recharged by people; thus, in order for me to really rest, I prefer being on my own at night at least. (If he lived on his own it would be much different; this applies to him only partially, since I have no issues when we're on holiday together and share a room). I can try to put all that aside for one night, which I've done once in the past and was about to do again. He's not okay with any of this; he's hurt by the fact I don't want, in his eyes, to spend time with his family and friends, and would like for me to be able to spend more time in his hometown. If I suggest being able to spend a night at his parents' place, it's not really enough; he says I can get a hotel room to stay longer, which I wouldn't mind, every once in a while (though the cost is quite high and I wouldn't mind a more budget friendly option), but simultaneously told me it'd be perceived as a lack of respect by the family and that I would have to explain my reasons for not wanting to stay at his house to his mother, which, maybe it's just me, seems a bit excessive. I would never do that and he knows that, so that's only a false positive answer in my eyes. We seemed to have met an agreement in the form of him asking me to spend more than a night at his place (his wish) when he felt like he could ask his parents for their car to come to my town and spend an evening together without having to sleep at the other's place (my wish).
All seemed fine and tomorrow I was supposed to go to his place, spend one night there so I could join him in a small ceremony he'll have to attend in the evening; this morning he asked me to make a small deviation for him to a shop near the bus station, to which I replied, since it was not urgent and quite unlikely, if I could have done it the following time, when I didn't have to carry the suitcase to spend the night out, since it is quite heavy for me, given I'm thin and with an unstable knee. To which he replied badly, saying I never do anything he asks me to, even small favours and that I'm selfish etc. Now, it's clear this reaction directly stems from the above discussion; it is also true that I'm not the most altruistic person in the world and could improve in that aspect, surely I never take things lightly, overthink things and get more worried than I should, that's true too, but I don't feel he's being fair in this assessment. I am NOT as uncaring and unthoughtful as he makes me sound; if some of his complains, as said before, are true, I am not THAT selfish. Also, he says he wants me to want to do the things he asks me to (going to a friend's pool party for instance), but often I do turn them down because they're hard to accomplish, given everything requires me to sleep at his hometown (as said above, I can try to push my boundaries for a night, but it's not something I'd prefer doing too often), or because of the circumstances (said pool party was the day after we had just come back from Rome after a concert, which was the day after I had had a really stressful exam, which had come after nearly a month and a half of nothing but studying); and when I do, there are always consequences. It's never as simple as 'you wanna come? If you don't, that's fine'. It's never fine, I feel as though he writes every single of these occasions down on a mental notebook and then reminds me about them all even months after the next time I say no. It IS true that I say more often no than yes when it involves me doing some social activity with his friends, because, again, it requires me sleeping there and that opens another can of worms, but it doesn't help making me want to really do those things when I know that if I don't I'll always have to suffer consequences either. To cut it short, now he doesn't want me to go at his place tomorrow night either, because he thinks I don't want to do it (this time my period is also nearly due, which worries me further, considering it's really heavy and quite invalidating at times, especially sleeping out as I may stain mattress and such, which I've told him), but it's not that I don't wanna go to the ceremony with him- it's the context that doesn't thrill me, but I was okay with it; also, I fear this may be yet another thing that I will have spoiled for him in the future. What do I do? I know I'm not perfect and I'm posting this throughly aware that I am part of the issue- likely the most part, but I feel as though he doesn't see his being unable to let go of anything as part, albeit small, of it all too...