And then he pulls out... the domestic violence card...?
July 9, 2014 8:22 AM Subscribe
Last night, during a fight, my boyfriend accused me of trying to justify domestic violence against him. I feel a bit sick to my stomach, and don't know where to go from here.
posted by Ocellar to Human Relations (67 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Yesterday, I had a discussion with my boyfriend where he said that I had expectations of him that I didn't keep for myself. He brought up a couple of things, and yes, he was right, and yes, it was true, I did do those things. I said in the future, I would try to be more self-aware and that I was sorry for hurting him. He then brought up that I hit the side of his body with my hand after he makes offensive comments (ie. pretty off colour racist/sexist/homophobic jokes) in front of his friends, he said that that upsets him and that it wasn't ok for me to do that, and that it wouldn't be ok at all if the genders were reversed. I agreed and said he was right, that I wouldn't do it again, that if I was bothered by his jokes, I would tell him outright. But I also tried to explain why I was bothered by his jokes and why I was reacting by doing that. I told him how I thought it came across as just being playful, rather than hurtful.
This led to a long rant where he said I was justifying using domestic violence against him, and where he said that he had no idea whether or not I had any sort of moral system in place anymore. I was already feeling not great at the beginning of the evening, and by the time I left his house, I had a sick feeling in my stomach that he would suggest I was using domestic violence.
I had a father who was verbally abusive and controlling (and my bf knows this), and perhaps I should know better than using any sort of physical violence as a way of getting my point across. Yet at the same time, I would not consider my actions domestic violence. We are going to see each other tonight and I have no idea how to proceed. Suggestions?