How can I make up for calling him an aspiring softcore pornographer?
July 7, 2014 3:41 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend & I are in a fight right now, and I believe we're going to break up tonight. For background: We're both recently separated. He moved 350 miles to live nearby me (I'm ostensibly the one he let get away 10 years ago) and we've been actively dating 7 months. He is a hobby photographer. Before he moved up here, and while he was still married (his ex-wife knows this...), he did a couple photo shoots in a hotel room with 2 models of the shapely, fake-breasted variety. There was no nudity, just suggestive poses and skimpy clothing/lingerie. He posted the photos to a special page dedicated to them on FB, and captioned the photos with mildly suggestive comments like "Come here" and "Time for bed" and other things to that effect. These girls are "ring girls" (for boxing matches) and so have somewhat of a following. The photos drew loads of comments from the audience of males, and they were of the semi-lewd, drooling, 13-yr old boy variety. To be honest, I feel both offended and sexually threatened by this piece of my boyfriend's history.
My boyfriend says I'm beautiful, and moreover says he loves me for my mind, but I'm no chesty model.
So yesterday, he made an unrelated joke about "the quality of girls at a strip club out in the sticks", and I took offense to his "quality of girls" terminology, since it implied some sort of rating system. The usual "you're being insecure and oversensitive" argument ensued, and I'll totally admit that there's probably some of that. The fight culminated in him basically exasperatedly asking me why I'm so insecure, and me saying well, it's kind of a lot to expect every woman to be able to cope with knowing her boyfriend is an "aspiring softcore pornographer". And cue the offense. He left my home, asking me why I'd love him if I thought of him that way. He said he didn't want to be seen that way, or loved by someone who saw him that way. I think he a) wanted me to view his work as an artistic endeavor (despite how he showcased it) and b) was irritated with me that I might feel insecure and maybe even unloved, imagining myself on his rating system. "How could you feel I don't love you when I moved 350 miles for you?" We are going to chat tonight to follow up on this argument.
Granted, we have other issues, and tbh, I'm inclined to break up with him regardless of the outcome of tonight's discussion, but on this one topic, I feel I was hurtful, and would like to make it clear that while I find his work a bit hard to swallow, I didn't mean to make him feel disrespected. I don't completely understand why he's so hurt, so any light shed on that would be appreciated. I also feel like the original reasons that I'm offended are now lost/buried in the conflict. Could you help me with thinking this through and helping craft some language to better express myself while staying true to my POV? Thank you.