I'm currently in a LTR relationship, we currently live together, have pets, and I'm starting to think the relationship has run it's course - but I've been in this mentality at least once a year the past few years, and it always passes.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I've been dating my girlfriend for the past 7 years, living together the past 3. I'm in my late 20s, she is in her early 30s. The relationship has always been filled with tough situations since about 6 months in, mostly stemming from her side of things. But as a couple, you always work through the tough times and offer support to each other, right? We make a great team when faced with a problem, we can talk about it, listen to each other's solutions or advice, then determine the best way to move forward as a team.
The only problem is, the past 3 years, the original tough situations (which were unavoidable) have subsided and we often talked during the chaos about how this was suppose to be our time. We were suppose to take vacations, long days in bed, etc. But none of this has come to happen, in fact, more drama, once again from her side has come into play where now she is trying to support her friends through a very trying time in addition, to a a new grand baby. I get it, there is only so much control you have in life and you need to support your friends through hard times. I've begged, pleaded, and argued for a simpler life where we can focus on us and regain our footing but that's not her personality; she is the type of person that would give the shirt off her back to her friends if they asked. It was one of the things I loved about her, now it just seems like I don't matter and am realizing that I am starting to resent her.
This trait also caused one of the main issues in our relationship which was what I classify as an pseudo- affair, her baby daddy came back into the picture 4 years ago. They went from not talking for 17 years, him being a dead beat dad that signed off parental rights, and her saying how much she despised him to her going over at 10PM on a Tuesday to help paint a kids room, and spending a significant amount of time at his house all within the course of weeks. She swears that nothing happened and it was only a friendly relationship but I’m not really sure what to believe. I trust her, but it looks awfully shady. I wasn’t perfect during this time either, this was during a very busy time in my career where I was gone for weeks on end for business, didn’t have a whole lot of time for her, and when I was around, I was sleeping or getting ready for the next phase of travel. It bothers me because this guy was the type of guy where he clearly just wanted to bang her, and she was either too naïve to see it or worse. We fought weekly over her relationship but she always brought it back to the fact that he was the child’s father and the child wanted the relationship so what was she to do. I always felt like I was between a rock and a hard place with this, and I know I absolutely resent it; even writing this I’m torn between saying fuck it, anger, and sadness. I try not to think about it too much.
The underlying problem is, I have never felt like I have come first to her. I use to attribute it to the tough situations, I was the support that she could always count on. The times we spoke of taking trips, bed and breakfasts, all that were never just talk to me; that's the life I wanted with her and thought that if we got through everything - sure relationships take work, but we were stronger and could face whatever life through at us. Now that the time is now and we're still not doing it, in fact, we're fighting more than ever, I just don't know how much more I can take. Most of the fights center around her lack of communication with me and the time she spends with her friends - for example, two weeks ago she left in the morning to go support her friend after saying she would be home by 5, I made dinner then it's midnight and not so much as a text or a response from her. Last night, we had a date that we drove separately to and the movie ended at 9 and well, it's 1AM and she's still not home, not answering her phone or texts. Both times she got caught up talking to friends and just didn't bother to tell me. Maybe she is having an affair, she doesn't seem like the type to but there is a part of me that honestly wishes it was just to give us a concrete reason to end it. This kind of situation happens on a monthly basis, I’ve tried telling her that I would appreciate a text or call letting me know but it never happens. Of course, I’m to blame here as well as the fights usually involve me screaming at her about not feeling appreciated as I’m sure she’s tired of walking on eggshells and I’m tired of everything. To me, the relationship has run it’s course; I use to think about marrying her, buying a house but now in my bones, I feel that it would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
I’ve been seriously considering ending the relationship for a while now, actually the thoughts have come up yearly but they always pass when things get better. I’ve never had this serious of a relationship before, so I’m not even sure how to know if it’s time to breakup or do we attempt to repair it through counseling? Despite everything, I care deeply about her and she is one of my best friends so I hate the fact of hurting her. She has helped me through some of my toughest times, and I do believe makes me a better person.
If we break up, how do I say that it’s simply due to relationship running it’s course and not anything with her? I am truly afraid that if tell her everything, I won’t stop and will cross a line that I never want to cross with it possibly turning to verbal abuse. There has just been so much resentment building up that I hate myself for allowing it to get to this point.
Finally, how do I follow through with the breakup and ensuring weeks/months that we may live together until one of us moves out?