Should I say what I need to say?
June 25, 2014 1:51 AM Subscribe
Stuck on someone, but things got weird and awkward. Would it be a good idea to open up and just let this person know how I feel about them? Wall o' text commences...
posted by christiehawk to Human Relations (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Yet another relationship question for me. These seem to give me the most trouble in life. It stems from coming out at 27 and never dealing with romance or dating until then. Add a lot of bad luck with hard to read people and I end up in these situations more than I'd like. Metafilter has been quite helpful in all these little ruts I keep finding myself in and I feel I've come a long way, but I still get stuck.
Anyway, a few months ago I met a girl who had come to my town to visit our mutual friends. We all went out drinking, and then I eventually made a move on her. We hooked up (not quite sex but almost) and then the next morning things were very awkward and weird. She was avoidy and wouldn't meet my eye. I was unsure how to approach her, and she seemed to be very aloof and standoffish. When people act so closed and awkward it's like a repellent to me and I can't approach them. So I probably seemed just as awkward although I was trying my hardest to interact with her. It upset me quite a bit, but I kept trying. Later that night I saw her making out with her ex. I was crushed and figured she was just not into me at all.
I didn't totally give up... I added her on social media. She would occasionally like and comment on my posts so I figured she at least didn't hate me. She let me follow her Instagram (which was set to private) but didn't follow me back - yet on several occasions she would manually go to my profile page once in a while and like and comment on old photos. So I wasn't sure how to read her behavior.
Eventually a couple months went by and I finally had to reach out to her because I felt so much regret over never trying to be clear with her. I messaged her on Facebook something simple, saying hi and asking her how she was, and she responded by asking for my number so we could text. I sent that to her and she texted me. Which surprised me because this took some effort and it seemed to show some interest on her part... I doubt anyone would do that if they didn't genuinely want to communicate. We had a small-talk conversation over text (nothing super meaningful or deep) but she suddenly stopped responding after one of my questions, and I didn't hear from her again. I was pretty sad and confused because she seemed so interested and responsive at first...and then suddenly stopped. I didn't want to bug her, and I just concluded that she wasn't into me at all. Keep in mind that it was extremely difficult to reach out to her in the first place. Somehow I have a lot of emotion tied up in this. BUT, I was happy that I had at least tried, and I had some closure.
This weekend I happened to visit her city for a work thing, and I saw her there, during the work thing and after. I hadn't really told her I was going to be in town because I just assumed she was not into me or into communicating with me. One of the first things she said was a joking but semi-serious "I can't believe I didn't get a text from you that you'd be here." I played it off casually, but really I wanted to remind her that *she* was the one who had stopped responding, and I didn't think she wanted to talk to me.
We hung out in a group after the event and she was giving me some very mixed signals. One of the first things she said to me was that the best time of her past year was going to my city to visit and hanging out with me and our friends. But then later on when I was joking with her she joked back and said she "made a lot of bad decisions when she was in [my city]." I don't know if she means hooking up with me, or hooking up with her ex after me, or just getting too drunk, or what. But it confused the hell out of me. She was friendly to me, alternating with being very aloof/awkward with me. She did and said a few things that made me think she was interested (and that she knew a few details about me that showed she was paying close attention to me), but would then do things that made me think otherwise. She invited me to her house for a bit while she did some chores (just her and I) before we rejoined the group, and she was talking about dating and my general gist was that it seemed she was frustrated about her love life and wants a relationship. When it's just the two of us she seems to open up, and we've had some good conversations - I like many aspects of her personality, although she seems to be a tough nut to crack.
I reached out to her over text the next day to see if she wanted to come out with us the second night, but she said she was busy with work.
When she left our last small work event yesterday (it was a group of 4 of us) she walked away without even looking at me or saying bye. It was bizarre and I was crushed.
Then tonight I got a text from her asking me if I was still in town...I said that I wished I was but I had flown back this morning. So that made me even more confused and upset, because it shows a glimmer of interest on her part.
Anyway, long story short I'm dealing with someone who is giving me pretty mixed signals and who seems very guarded about her feelings and emotions.
Part of my dilemma here is that I feel like *I* dropped the ball...I wasn't direct with her when I had the chance. I didn't really flirt with her very much aside from being friendly and trying to talk to her and engage her. And I know I can be hard to read as well...I can be shy and I'm not open about my feelings and it's something I'm really working on. She makes me SO incredibly nervous, and her personality quirks don't help me out of that hole like some warmer personalities will.
For some unknown reason, my feelings about this whole situation have been bugging me to no end. I feel extremely depressed about how it all went down. I think it might be because I feel like I f*cked up....and I worry that she's acting this way because she thinks *I'm* not interested, or that I just wanted a hookup and didn't actually care about her. I feel like the fact that we did get physical necessitates directness at this point, and I can't just test the waters by flirting or asking her out...especially because we live in different (but neighboring) states.
My question boils down to how to deal with this:
I feel like I need to open up and communicate with her.....telling her that I DO like her and that I hope she's not upset with me or what happened between us, and I hope things can be okay between us moving forward even if she doesn't like me romantically. And then... just let the chips fall where they may. I just want to know if there's any interest on her part. I hate living with question marks and regrets. It will be hard, but I can handle rejection....I can't handle the "What if's".
Should I reach out and just say what I need to say, or just bury this? Should I ask her directly how she feels, or just put my feelings out there and let her respond? How/what is a good way to do this? Is this doomed?