Remind me to never have a random hookup…
June 19, 2014 5:07 PM Subscribe
About a month ago, I hooked up with a classmate that I had met earlier in the semester. There had been a lot of tension between us since the beginning of the year, and it finally happened the last week of the semester. It was a Big Thing for me because it was the first time I had hooked up with a guy and outwardly acknowledged my bisexuality. It was great, but then the semester ended and we both went back to our respective hometowns for the summer. More details and questions inside...
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
We’re both in our third year at university. We had the chance to get together again a few weekends ago, which went pretty well. We had a really honest conversation and both agreed that it was more than just a random hookup, and that there’s definitely something more between us. But due to the fact that I’m not out, and that he had just gotten out of a relationship that he's still working through, and that it’s the summer, we found ourselves kind of at an impasse. We also got into a bit of a fight about whether or not I was being “true to myself” by keeping my sexuality a secret.
After going home, I thought a lot about things, and over the past week, I’ve talked to most of the important people in my life about what’s going on. They’ve all been so supportive and it’s been really wonderful. I’ve decided I’m not going to try and hide anything when I go back to school, and I’m not going to ask him to keep quiet about being with me anymore.
So…big steps! And I feel good about where I am personally. I think that things have a real potential to be good when we’re back at school. But I can’t figure out how to deal with the summer. He’s been hooking up with other people in his hometown, which bothers me even though logically it shouldn’t…we aren’t exclusive, and I specifically told him when I saw him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. But even though I know it shouldn’t bother me, it’s still causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. My theory is that the hookups stem from a mixture of not wanting to deal with getting over his past relationship/his feelings for me since there’s no progress that can really be made on that front over the summer, and perhaps him trying to make me a bit jealous? He definitely seemed upset when I told him a few weeks ago that I wasn’t ready for anything public and/or a capital-R Relationship.
This is also the first time I’ve been involved with someone I wasn’t exclusive with, so it’s new and frustrating. It’s great when we’re together, and then I get like this when we’re apart, because I think too much about everything.
Basically, I suppose my wall of text (apologies!) boils down to:
How should I talk to him about my changing feelings about us/being public now? I don’t want to ask him for—or imply that I was guilting him into—a change in our situation (i.e., being exclusive), since I understand that’s not really fair to do while apart, but he’s also been a big and supportive part of this process and I want to talk to him about it in some way.
Should I mention how him hooking up with other people makes me upset?
How do I manage my anxiety/stress over this situation until I go back to university?
Bonus: Anecdotal experiences about being “out” at university but not with your parents? (Mine are extremely conservative, and it would truly cause many more problems than it would be worth.)
Of course, any other insights outside of these questions would also be appreciated.