Breakup - Difficulty: Hard
June 17, 2014 8:40 AM Subscribe
My S.O. and I broke over a week ago and agreed that she would move out. But.. we're on week two now and she's still here.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (48 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
My S.O. and I ended our LTR, but until she finds a new place she still lives here. I really don't want to be cruel or mean during this process. I am not angry, nobody cheated or did anything unforgivable to the other person. The relationship has just run its course and we're both done with this. We both agree that splitting up is for the best, and there is little animosity there. But... She. Is. Still. HERE. I need a survival strategy to get through the next several weeks.
She is still on the lease for another few months, so I suppose there's nothing I can do about that. She has a right to stay here until the lease is up, I know that. I can afford to take over rent and utilities myself for a while, so I'm not so concerned about cost. I just.. I can't deal emotionally with her being here all the time. She wants to keep sleeping in our shared bed (which is mine, and I will be keeping) which I find utterly baffling. She is currently looking for a new place to move soon but she is being picky about it and several possible apartments have already fallen through. I really think the best thing for both of us is for her to leave as soon as possible, which we agreed to. I'm really hoping to have this place to myself soon so I can move on with life and quit feeling like a refugee, because this sucks.
I am already trying to stay out of the apartment as much as possible. We surprisingly get along okay, at least as well as two people who are broken up but still living together can. But I find certain details of her behavior inappropriate and not very helpful for the situation, like insisting that we keep sleeping in the same bed. (I mean, WTF? How am I supposed to respond to that?) I stayed with a friend for a few days, which worked out okay but is taxing on my friendships. I could get a hotel. But on principle I don't want to feel like I'm being kicked out of my own home and my own bed, especially since i am paying the bills now.
Day to day, I have little control over my privacy. I close my bedroom door when I go to bed. Sometimes she comes in or knocks and invites herself in. During the day she comes into the bedroom and roots around, but i haven't really asked why. This room is entirely my stuff, there is nothing of hers in here. If she hears me up at night she'll knock on the door. One night she got drunk and came crying into the bedroom and ask me to hug her.. which i didn't feel comfortable doing, but did anyway. We talk during the day sometimes about her plans to move out etc. and we more or less get along during those conversations. But I feel like she is expecting too much intimacy with me at a time when i do not feel like I want to give it.
My main goal is just to get her out without any more conflict than necessary. Everything will be easier after that, but she seems to be making things worse than they need to be. She has always had a very controlling style when dealing with our shared space which is one of the reasons we are breaking up (sort of the classic "girlfriend 'training' her boyfriend" story). Others include sexual problems, lack of intimacy, resentment, the whole shebang. She mentioned in passing that she might move in with family for a while, but that hasn't materialized yet and I don't want to push it unless I have to.
Money is somewhat of an issue. She has little money to move out and just started a part-time job because her savings ran out (she does not work a full-time job) which i'm sure is taking its toll. I've offered to help her but didn't offer money. I'm already offering to pay the rest of her half of the lease if she just walks away, so i think i'm being fair. Or am i?
So... How do you read this? This is the longest relationship i've ever had, and the only one where we have lived together, and the first 'serious' breakup i have had, so all of this is new territory for me. Do you think she's trying to get back together with me? Is she trying to torture me? Is she just confused? Broke? I don't know how much help i should give or if i'm being foolish by offering. I REALLY don't want to be a jerk and this situation is tough on both of us.
Please help me avoid losing my mind. I'm pretty close to losing it. I'm not sleeping well and I feel like crap all the time. I need my privacy right now. I don't want to fight her but I also need my private space back so I can move on.