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Jokes for my 7-year old's repertoire?
June 6, 2014 9:20 AM   Subscribe

I'm looking for jokes my 7-year old son can tell at, say, a dinner party, which are made particularly funny by the fact of being told by a child.

I recently taught him this one:

Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they're having. The first whale says "mmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh". The second whale turns to him and says, "Go home, Ted, you're drunk."

He loves that he can really get into the whale impersonation, so anything involving animals is probably good.
posted by Dragonness to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (55 answers total) 63 users marked this as a favorite
 
I heard this one from my 7-year-old niece:

Two toothpicks are standing by the side of the road when a hedgehog walks by. One toothpick says to the other one, "oh no! We missed our bus!"
posted by karbonokapi at 9:24 AM on June 6 [28 favorites]


What do you call a Bear with no ear?

A B.
posted by JenThePro at 9:30 AM on June 6 [3 favorites]


What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

(this is a hit with kids who know that "damn" is a cuss, but I'm not sure of your comfort level with cusses)
posted by magdalemon at 9:32 AM on June 6 [1 favorite]


http://www.reddit.com/r/3amjokes/
posted by H. Roark at 9:34 AM on June 6


Keeping on the animal/spelling theme:

What do you call a fish with no eye ("I")?

FSHHHHHHHH!
posted by brentajones at 9:37 AM on June 6 [3 favorites]


Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:55 AM on June 6 [11 favorites]


Know what goes through a bugs mind right before it hits the windshield?

His Butt.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:58 AM on June 6 [4 favorites]


What do you call a pig that knows Karate?

A pork chop.

(seriously, it cracks 7 year-olds up without having to say "butt" or "fart")
posted by JoeZydeco at 10:01 AM on June 6 [2 favorites]


What's read and green and goes 100 miles per hour?

A frog in a blender.
posted by Rob Rockets at 10:02 AM on June 6


When I was that age, my absolute favourite joke was the venerable one about frayed knot. It's given in this blogpost -- maybe some of the others there would also be fun.
posted by daisyk at 10:12 AM on June 6 [3 favorites]


Why does an elephant paint its toenails red?

So it can hide in a cherry tree.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

(No)

Works well, doesn't it?
posted by Ardea alba at 10:18 AM on June 6 [6 favorites]


Two guys walk into a bar.
Luckily, the third ducked.


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Intterupting cow wh-
MOO!
posted by belladonna at 10:23 AM on June 6 [3 favorites]


A duck walks into a hardware store and asks "Got any duck food?"

"No," the owner says.

Next day the duck comes back to the hardware store and asks "Got any duck food?" "No," says the owner.

A third day, same thing. But by this time the hardware store owner is getting a little fed up with this duck, so he says "No, and if you come in here and ask me that one more time, I'm going to nail your little duck feet to the floor!"

Next day, the duck comes back. "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck food?"



This was my favorite joke at the age of five or so.
posted by ostro at 10:24 AM on June 6 [23 favorites]


What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

The natives picking cherries.
posted by TheRedArmy at 10:24 AM on June 6 [1 favorite]


Or, the only good joke I ever made up:

Q: What do French hens say when they lay eggs?

A: "Oeuf!"
posted by TheRedArmy at 10:25 AM on June 6 [4 favorites]


Oh, and a much-beloved-by-children (though not dinner-party-appropriate) variant of the Interrupting Cow joke:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting octopus.
Interrupting octopus wh-
(place outspread hand on face, wiggle fingers wildly)
posted by ostro at 10:28 AM on June 6 [7 favorites]


In keeping with the dinner table and "funny because of being told by a child" theme:

Just the punchline from the old, long "taste the borscht" joke. One of you feed the other the penultimate line, "OK, OK, I'll taste it. Where's the spoon?" The other (usually the child) replies with the grave, finger-wagging, "Ah Haaaaah!"


Otherwise, some of my daughter's favorites:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

Why was the mushroom so popular?
Because he was just a fungi (pronounced as "fun guy").

(Asked with a British accent, the more fake sounding the better)
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
Silly! You can't wash your 'ands in a buffalo.
posted by wjm at 10:32 AM on June 6 [2 favorites]


My go-to party joke as a 5 year old went as thus:

"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?"

"---"

"The food is good, but there's no atmosphere."
posted by millipede at 10:34 AM on June 6 [4 favorites]


LobsterMitten's profile page has a bunch of links to jokes suitable for kids.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:34 AM on June 6 [6 favorites]


I was a big fan of the elaborate pun at that age - people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones, because of all the sand which is there, what's a Greek urn, etc.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:42 AM on June 6


Why did the god of thunder take an advil?

Becauthe he wath thore.
posted by athenasbanquet at 10:52 AM on June 6 [2 favorites]


Why was 6 afraid of 7 ?
Because 7 ate(8) 9
posted by Flood at 11:01 AM on June 6


You are also interested in this thread.
posted by athenasbanquet at 11:05 AM on June 6


"How do you make a tissue dance?"
"Put a little boogie in it!"

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Cows."
"Cows who?"
"No, cows moo!"
posted by Safiya at 11:18 AM on June 6 [1 favorite]


This was one of my son's favorites at that age:

Q) If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom?
A) European.


Q) What's red and smells like blue paint?
A) Red paint
posted by bondcliff at 11:33 AM on June 6 [6 favorites]


Where do baby bees get their milk?
Boo-bees


What is brown and sticky and found on the lawn?
A stick


What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner (my 7 year old finds this hilarious... I don't know why)


What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:36 AM on June 6 [5 favorites]


What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
posted by pennypiper at 12:31 PM on June 6


What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud!
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:40 PM on June 6


Not sure if these are funnier when told by children, as I still find them funny now, as an adult...

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Why was the scarecrow promoted?
He was outstanding in his field.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
posted by tckma at 1:41 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]


Q: How do you keep a bunch of turkeys in suspense?

A:

(say nothing and wait till the audience realizes the joke's on them)
posted by rouftop at 1:46 PM on June 6 [8 favorites]


Why did the idiot bring a ladder to the stadium?
He wanted to see the Giants play.
posted by tckma at 1:48 PM on June 6


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne da tub I'm dwowning!

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 2:17 PM on June 6


What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.
posted by ActionPopulated at 2:59 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]


I remember getting a joke book for kids when I was a little kid. I also remember only one joke made me laugh.

Mom? Am I a werewolf?

- Shut up and shave your forehead.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:06 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]


Oh, I also remember my nephew going crazy for Yo Mama jokes.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:09 PM on June 6


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Norma
Norma who?
Normally I have my key.
posted by fancyoats at 4:29 PM on June 6


I will say after a few of these they start to sound misogynistic.

Yo mama is so stupid that when she went for a blood test, she asked for time to study.
Yo mama is so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone!
Yo mama is so stupid that that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama is so stupid that she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
Yo mama is so stupid that she asked me what yield meant, I said "Slow down" and she said "What... does.... yield... mean?"
Yo mama is so stupid that she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
Yo mama is so stupid, she went to the aquarium to buy a Blu-Ray.
Yo mama is so stupid that she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager.
Yo mama is so stupid that I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she was doing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.
Yo mama is so stupid that when she locked her keys in the car, it took her all day to get her family out.
Yo mama is so stupid that she peels M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies.
Yo mama is so stupid that she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network.
Yo mama is so stupid that she uses Old Spice for cooking.
Yo mama is so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed.
Yo mama is so stupid that she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had.
Yo mama is so stupid that she tries to email people by putting envelopes into her computer's disk drive.
Yo mama is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama is so stupid that she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:36 PM on June 6


What sound does a lipless sheep make? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!
posted by Diagonalize at 4:39 PM on June 6


These jokes are all so funny!

A horse goes into a bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes the bartender says, "so what's with the long face?"

And my favorite joke of all time:

Q. How do you top a car?

A. You tep on da bwake tupid.
posted by snowjoe at 5:53 PM on June 6


My favorite one lately. I've told it to adults, high school seniors, kids... everyone loves it because it's so incredibly lame:

Q: How do you sell a chicken to a man who's hard of hearing?
A: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CHICKEN???
posted by lilac girl at 6:00 PM on June 6 [9 favorites]


- I have a new hobby, I collect bees.
- Oh really?
- Yeah, I put them in a jar.
- Do you punch holes in the lid?
- No.
- But you have to punch holes in the lid! If you don't punch holes in the lid, the bees won't get any air and they'll die!
- Ehhhh, it's just a hobby.
posted by mon-ma-tron at 6:05 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]


What do you do when your nose goes on strike?

Picket!
posted by Horselover Fat at 6:34 PM on June 6


Q: Why don't the French eat two eggs for breakfast?
A: Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

My daughter loves this one, but she's 11, so maybe it's too long for a 7 year old? It'd be pretty funny, though.

A man is standing on the terrace of a rooftop bar in Chicago, enjoying the view. A second man comes up to him and says "Amazing view isn't it? Did you know that the updraught between all these buildings is so strong that you can jump off the roof of a building like this and it will carry you right back up again before you hit the ground."

"No way," the second guy says. "That's impossible."

"No, it's true," says the first. "Look: I'll show you."

So, he sets down his drink, takes off his watch and pulls his wallet out of his back pocket. Then he rolls up his sleeves, climbs over the railing and swan dives off the terrace. He falls and falls and falls and falls and just as it looks like he's about to splatter on the sidewalk, he changes direction and swoops back up to the terrace, landing next to the other guy.

"WHOA. I can't believe you did that! That was amazing. I have to try it!" So, he, too, puts down his drink, takes off his watch and pulls his wallet out of his back pocket. He's a little shaky as he climbs over the railing, but soon he is falling, falling, falling, falling, falling and just as you think he's about to splat into the sidewalk--he splats into the sidewalk.

The first guy, turns away from the railing, picks up the other guy's drink, watch and wallet and walks over to the bar.

The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
posted by looli at 8:40 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]


Yo mama is so short, when she sits on the curb, her legs dangle!
Yo mama is so old her Social (Security/Insurance) Number is ONE!

Q. What comes out of an airplane propeller?
A. Shredded Tweet!

Q. What comes out of a burning forest?
A. Crispy Critters!
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 8:40 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]


Oh, and if he wants to do a string of elephant jokes, he should start with this one:

Why shouldn't you walk through the forest between 3 and 4 o'clock?
Because the elephants are hiding in the trees and they'll jump down and squash you.

Then every joke on this page http://jens.mooseyard.com/2009/09/07/The-Top-131-Elephant-Jokes/ and close with:

Why do beavers have flat tails?
They walked through the forest between 3 and 4 o'clock.
posted by looli at 8:43 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]


Why can't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.
posted by Roger Dodger at 6:29 AM on June 7 [7 favorites]


How do you know an elephant has been hiding in your refrigerator?
You see his footprints in the butter!
posted by belladonna at 6:56 AM on June 7


What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Smells like... carrots.
posted by lauranesson at 7:56 AM on June 7 [2 favorites]


Where do bees stop to use the bathroom, when they are on trips?
At B.P. stations.
posted by Tool of the Conspiracy at 9:50 AM on June 7


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
posted by bettafish at 3:28 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]


I love hearing kids tell elephant jokes. looli's link (I'm not on a mobile device) has just about all of my favorites.
posted by marsha56 at 3:59 PM on June 7


A: Have you ever seen the Northern whites?

B: The what?

A: The Northern whites! You know, the auwowa boweawis?
posted by TheRedArmy at 4:51 PM on June 7 [3 favorites]


A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, "Bartender, give me a beer and a mop."
posted by amanda at 12:56 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]


So many fun jokes, thank you! I've marked the ones I liked best which I hadn't already heard, but this thread makes a great reference!
posted by Dragonness at 8:16 AM on June 9


Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and says "You drive. I'll man the guns."
posted by squorch at 10:32 AM on June 11 [2 favorites]


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