Help me stop becoming a man-hater/bitter ice queen
June 6, 2014 9:20 AM Subscribe
I used to be a soft, sensitive, hopeful young woman but too many knocks is making me feel hard, and it shows. I am too young to feel this way, help me figure out new thought processes to prevent this from getting worse.
posted by DeadFlagBlues to Human Relations (21 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
I am becoming increasingly angry. Generally. I am not someone who is violent or rude to strangers or my friends, that's not what I mean... but any time I become friendly with a man and it doesn't work out my brain immediately says "yeah, well, he's a man, DeadFlagBlues, what did you expect?". Any time a man does absolutely anything at all that is not to my liking I chalk it down to his gender. I know this is ridiculous, and dangerous. I am creating a space in my brain where I am the defender, and men are the enemy. I am becoming increasingly abrasive, distrustful and HURT. I can't let my guard down anymore. If I meet a man I like, I regard him with contempt. It's bizarre.
I worry that this will stand in the way of any future chance of happiness I may find with another person (well, who am I kidding - it is definitely going to get in the way). I am 30 years old and all of my relationships have been with the wrong kind of men. I'm one of those types that, once in love, turns into a bit of a door mat I guess so I tend to attract bullies, even though, outwardly I'm very confident, self-assured and 'tuff'. No idea how this happens but it hasn't helped my attitude any obviously, even though I've been in therapy tirelessly trying to figure out what the fuck is up with that.
It's all very counter-productive because I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I *want* a partner eventually. I have been single for two years so this does not seem like a large ask. I think whats added to my bad attitude is I have been on online dating sites for nearly 5 years off and on and have, as you do, crossed paths without a lot of time-wasters/liars/flakes and now when I'm on there I just grunt at them all. So I deleted my accounts, but then I wasn't meeting anyone ever! I work with women, I study with men that are 10 years younger than me, and the community groups I'm apart of are also full of women. I figured it was worse believing no men exist than despising them so I reactivated my accounts.
I work hard to keep my life full - I play the drums and the guitar, I exercise, I see a therapist, I have friends, I study, I work... but underneath it all, I'm burning and just getting hotter, and hotter and hotter.
Also worth mentioning is that most of my friends are actually male so it seems to be localised to men I don't know/have dating potential. BAH.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of anger and disappointment but been able to pull it back and change it around? Or have any idea of things I could do to make me feel more positive about the dating game? I am usually a pretty resilient optimistic person... but I'm turning into a fucking arsehole. And no one wants an arsehole, except their own.