Here we go again

November 2, 2005 1:19 PM

I screwed up a relationship once, and I'm doing it again. Someone stop me.

Last year I got involved with my friends ex, which caused problems for all involved. I didnt do the chasing, she came on to me.

Fast-forward to today, and the exact same things is happening again - to the same friends ex.

I never got on well with this new girl, but since they broke up I've spent time with her and we have grown closer and found things in common, but I know she is completely off-limits. Yesterday she told me shes really into me, and because I'm so weak-willed I can't say no. Why do I do this to myself? (I'm thinking I like playing with fire, or that I'm an idiot).

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Your friend needs to suck it up.
posted by jon_kill at 1:33 PM on November 2, 2005

I am guessing that you believe your friend will be upset if you get with his ex, and that your friend was upset last time you did this?

If not, I don't see where the problem is. And even so, I don't buy the notion that he gets perpetual dibs on her - how long have they been ex's?
posted by aubilenon at 1:34 PM on November 2, 2005

Oh fer crissake. What do you want here? Grow up and stop acting like an ass.

You want a MeFite to come physically restrain you, or what?
posted by xmutex at 1:44 PM on November 2, 2005

Sorry, I could have been more articulate.

What is going to happen if you two don't go out? Lots: 1) You'll want each other, and be lonely without the other 2) This wanting each other will taint other "permissible relationships" you could have 3) Your friend will move on, and get another girlfriend, and you'll both start to resent him 4) You'll probably sneak around for a while behind his back anyway, which will make you both liars (or omitters) 5) You'll be contributing to some sort of broken romantic property rights notion that is just completely out of place and broken. He might as well have pissed on her to mark his property.

What will happen if you do go out? Not that much: 1) You'll both be happy. 2) Your friend will be sad, but 3) Your friend will have to deal with the loss.

So, there you go.
posted by jon_kill at 1:47 PM on November 2, 2005

Have you considered taking this up with your friend?

"Hey man, I've been hanging out with your crazy psycho ex - she keeps calling me and wanting to hang out - and now she says she's really into me. S'okay if I hit it?"

"Yeah, sure man. Whatever."

"Cool, no hard feelings."

"Naw man. Your problem now."

Well, that is supposing that your friend is over the girl already.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 1:55 PM on November 2, 2005

What xmutex said. Be a grown up. You've got three choices:

1. Dive in, enjoy, but be prepared to face up to the consequences. You may loose a friend so you'd better be sure the girl's worth it.

2. Run for the hills. You're brain's not in your cock so you can say no to the sins of the flesh if you want to. Maybe friendship is more important than a few sweaty weeks of fun.

3. Talk to your friend and ask their permission to see the ex. But if you take this option, don't do it simply to clear your conscience. You have to be prepared to live by your friend's answer, even -- especially -- if they says no.
posted by londonmark at 1:57 PM on November 2, 2005

I never got on well with this new girl, but since they broke up I've spent time with her and we have grown closer and found things in common, but I know she is completely off-limits.

sounds to me it's not her you want but anything unattainable is what you want.
posted by grafholic at 1:58 PM on November 2, 2005

Sorry, I was over-empathising and didn't mean to assume gender -- your brain isn't in any sexually explicit location...
posted by londonmark at 2:00 PM on November 2, 2005

I agree with grafholic. If you didn't like her when your friend was dating her, why did you start hanging out with her now? It seems like a psychological thing--do you admire Friend? Do you feel in competition with Friend somehow? (I know you can't answer these, anonymous, but maybe you should ask yourself. If you haven't already, of course.)

How long did your previous best-friend's-ex relationship last? Less than a year, right? If you're not into the idea of an LTR, why bother with this woman? Too much grief for not enough payoff. If this is a true friend, I say forget about the ex. There are always others.
posted by veronica sawyer at 2:20 PM on November 2, 2005

I'm thinking I like playing with fire

I think you're right. Once is understandable, but this looks like a pattern. Do you find it trouble forging relationships on your own? You refer to yourself as "weak-willed"- have similar things happened with women (girls? I have no idea how old you are) who weren't ex's of your friends? So many anon AskMe relationship questions beg more context than the poster realizes. I do agree with grafholic's point- what is it about her that made her worth hanging out with, even though you "never got on well" with her before?
posted by mkultra at 3:14 PM on November 2, 2005

since they broke up I've spent time with her and we have grown closer...

The first step to defeating alcoholism? Stop walking into bars.

Ignore the replies above. The poster didn't ask, "Should I or shouldn't I?" He's done it once. He doesn't want to be that kind of person, and he's looking for help trying to stop.

Having said that, you do need to grow up. "I'm so weak-willed I can't say no"?!? Puh-lease. Try that excuse with your wife someday and see what happens. If you truly can't control your behavior, you need to check yourself into a mental health facility immediately, tonight. Anything short of that and you're swimming in emo melodrama. Save it for your poetry.

As for the cause: Maybe you are self-destructive. Maybe you like playing with fire. Maybe you're incredibly competitive, or resentful, or insecure, or some blend of those three. You see your friend with a new girl, you get to know her, and you realize, "I'm a better catch than him, and we'd be more compatible. Why is she with him, anyway?"
posted by cribcage at 3:29 PM on November 2, 2005

Part of the reason why we have the friends we do, is the similar interests and personalities we share. It is not unreasonable that you and your friends would be attracted to the same type of girls.

Tha being said...

The biggest culprit of your question lies here:

"but since they broke up I've spent time with her and we have grown closer and found things in common, but I know she is completely off-limits."

Why in the hell are you still spending time with your FRIENDS girlfriend AFTER they break up? Especially when you say that you don't "get along with her" in the first place. I know for damn sure that I don't associate with people I dont get along with by my own volition. You are putting yourself in this situation, repeatedly I might add.

I have a good friend that I grew up with, who always had new girlfriends. Situations like this would happen a lot with him. He would date a girl, she would become friends with all his friends by proxy, and after they broke up, it was inevitable that she would want to stay friends with the whole group of guys. It was by concious effort that we distanced myself with these (often hot as hell) girls so as not to run into the same problem you find yourself in.

Sure you can ask your buddy if its cool to pursue it, but if they were together for any decent amount of time, its going to be awkward to hang out in groups with your friend, and if you make a habit of this, your friends are going to stop bringing their girls around to meet you. Not a great rep to have.
posted by skrike at 3:36 PM on November 2, 2005

I think there isn't a clear cut answer to this. It depends on (a) how much you care about your friend, (b) how much he cares about his ex, (c) how much you care about her, (d) how much she cares about you.

I think if you're really close to your friend, and it would cause him significant harm, it's reason to stop and think of his well being. On the other hand you don't want to sell yourself short if it is really important to you.

If it is a matter of infatuation or lust, I would personally look more into the consequences and what you want to get out of it. Do you know if she feels the same for you? If both of you are excited, wanting to make something somewhat serious of it, and you think harm could be averted, then thats another scenario.

Either way you need to be true to your friend and straight up with him. Being a friend isn't just about doing what's best for someone, its about being yourself and close with someone even when that's hard on both of you. Personally if I really cared about an ex, still loved her, a close friend of mine wanted to start a relationship with her, and told me about it, I don't know how I'd respond. I'd be extremely hurt, but understand that I wasn't hurt for any rational reasons, and have no right to be hurt. I'd also be glad they cared enough to tell though its hard. But I also might need space from both so as not to have to relive that pain constantly. That's how it would go (and might go for me, sigh) for me, but don't know if that's representative.
posted by aussicht at 5:17 PM on November 2, 2005

I used to have a friend a bit like you sound.

He thought it was okay to think with his cock, make childish impulsive decisions, and later on realise what he'd done (screwing erstwhile friends' girlfriends and exes) and come up with stupid, unconvincing, pathetic excuses "but she started coming on to meeeeeeee, wah wah, I'd had a couple of drinks, waaaaaah."

He didn't ever try to screw my girlfriend (she's out of my league, let alone his), but even so I lost interest in hanging out with him. Later on he started up with one my (long, long distant past) exes, and then fucked around behind her back. Now I don't really have anything to do with him.

I'm an adult, I don't want to hang out with children.

If you're going to keep doing things with this girl, the very least you can do - this is if you want to even maintain the illusion of being a man - is be straight with your friend.
posted by The Monkey at 5:51 PM on November 2, 2005

Just to be clear, no girl is worth a true friend. This is an absolute. It's non-negotiable. Do not fuck with your friend's exes. It's also common sense: there are plenty of great women in the world and there's only one of your friend. Be a man and cut this woman out of your life. You don't have to be mean about it. Just tell her, in the simplest words possible, that out of respect for your friend's feelings you won't be speaking to her or seeing her for the next three months while you help your friend get over the break-up. Keep this promise. Then never talk to her again.

Your problem isn't that you like playing with fire or you're "stupid" or you're "weak." These excuses are only valid for children, teenagers, and the mentally retarded. These excuses don't work for grown men. Your problem is that you're not a good man and you're a terrible friend. Grow up.
posted by nixerman at 8:47 PM on November 2, 2005

People aren't property, relationships aren't contracts (unless you get married.)

Here's my suggestion: 1) Have a celibate relationship with this ex (monogamous) for six months and see if the relationship is worth pursuing. 2) Tell your friend you are going to do this (if the ex agrees).

This way its less about sex, sex, sex and more about everything else.

Hopefully, nixerman, you will have a girl for a true friend someday.
posted by ewkpates at 6:48 AM on November 3, 2005