Help me phrase this effectively.
June 4, 2014 11:15 AM Subscribe
Can you help me apologize to my boyfriend, and convince him to attend a wedding I can't go to? He doesn't think he wants to go without me, but I know (from experience) that he would have a blast. Complication: My reasons for not attending might not be clear to him.
My wonderful boyfriend and I had been planning to go together to a "destination" wedding. Although I have been part of this extended social circle for a decade before we met, he is a more outgoing and sociable person and is actually better integrated into the group than I am, so it's really a matter of friends of both of us. It's going to be huge. HUGE. Literally 500 people.
Accommodations are either in hotels or on a campsite. I have a gastrointestinal disorder and I just really need a little toilet privacy. So I opted for the hotel. He really wants to be a part of the big group so he's camping. That's all good.
In the last week or so, however, every anxiety I have has raised its head. I'm nervous about spending money on the hotel and rental car and food and cat sitter and so forth. It's also very possible that my expenses will increase dramatically in July because of reasons (a friend is reaching the edge of a financial cliff and I may need to help for some period of time).
Also, as much fun as these people are, I honestly have some anxiety over the size and tenor of the group, which I thought I could alleviate with a hotel room to which I could disappear from time to time. Because of other stressors in my life, though, this is looking like torture to me, rather than a good time.
My boyfriend is understandably disappointed. I really hate to disappoint him, because he's such a sweetheart and such a good sport. If it weren't for the objective financial concerns, I might try to suck it up and go just to make him happy. But I really don't feel like it would be responsible for me to blow the money, not now.
I want him to go because I know he would have a terrific time and we weren't even going to be staying together. He loves everyone in the group and they all love him, and there's going to be a lot of drinking and I suspect my absence would barely register. The hard part is getting him motivated to go without me.
I also need some time alone, so frankly, this would be an ideal opportunity to let him let off some steam while I chill out and get my bearings again. So that's yet another reason I want him to go. Although in theory he understands my need for solitude from time to time, it has in the past set off warning bells for him that make him think I'm breaking up with him. We've been together for 6 years and my chronic illnesses have been slowly getting worse during this time (I was diagnosed with the first one a year after we got together), so I've been bowing out of minor social events for some time -- this is just the biggest one to come along which both argues in favor of my doing whatever it takes to attend and also kind of embodies the most extreme nadir of my abilities to cope.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? I don't want to hurt his feelings or ask him to do something he really doesn't want to do, but it would be great for me if he would go and I think he would really enjoy it except for odd moments here and there when he thinks of me.
If you've been on the receiving end of this kind of issue, what helped you get okay with the issue? If you've been on my end, what helped you explain?
My wonderful boyfriend and I had been planning to go together to a "destination" wedding. Although I have been part of this extended social circle for a decade before we met, he is a more outgoing and sociable person and is actually better integrated into the group than I am, so it's really a matter of friends of both of us. It's going to be huge. HUGE. Literally 500 people.
Accommodations are either in hotels or on a campsite. I have a gastrointestinal disorder and I just really need a little toilet privacy. So I opted for the hotel. He really wants to be a part of the big group so he's camping. That's all good.
In the last week or so, however, every anxiety I have has raised its head. I'm nervous about spending money on the hotel and rental car and food and cat sitter and so forth. It's also very possible that my expenses will increase dramatically in July because of reasons (a friend is reaching the edge of a financial cliff and I may need to help for some period of time).
Also, as much fun as these people are, I honestly have some anxiety over the size and tenor of the group, which I thought I could alleviate with a hotel room to which I could disappear from time to time. Because of other stressors in my life, though, this is looking like torture to me, rather than a good time.
My boyfriend is understandably disappointed. I really hate to disappoint him, because he's such a sweetheart and such a good sport. If it weren't for the objective financial concerns, I might try to suck it up and go just to make him happy. But I really don't feel like it would be responsible for me to blow the money, not now.
I want him to go because I know he would have a terrific time and we weren't even going to be staying together. He loves everyone in the group and they all love him, and there's going to be a lot of drinking and I suspect my absence would barely register. The hard part is getting him motivated to go without me.
I also need some time alone, so frankly, this would be an ideal opportunity to let him let off some steam while I chill out and get my bearings again. So that's yet another reason I want him to go. Although in theory he understands my need for solitude from time to time, it has in the past set off warning bells for him that make him think I'm breaking up with him. We've been together for 6 years and my chronic illnesses have been slowly getting worse during this time (I was diagnosed with the first one a year after we got together), so I've been bowing out of minor social events for some time -- this is just the biggest one to come along which both argues in favor of my doing whatever it takes to attend and also kind of embodies the most extreme nadir of my abilities to cope.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? I don't want to hurt his feelings or ask him to do something he really doesn't want to do, but it would be great for me if he would go and I think he would really enjoy it except for odd moments here and there when he thinks of me.
If you've been on the receiving end of this kind of issue, what helped you get okay with the issue? If you've been on my end, what helped you explain?
Is he in a position to help you financially? If I was your boyfriend in this situation and I was I'd be pained that you had those financial stresses and didn't give me an opportunity to help.
posted by kmennie at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by kmennie at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
"I was looking forward to going with you, even with accommodations for my issues, but I'm getting less okay with my attending. I don't want you to miss out, and I find myself looking forward to a little me time ..."
Is how I would (and have expressed it though over other issues than yours) express it.
posted by tilde at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
Is how I would (and have expressed it though over other issues than yours) express it.
posted by tilde at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't think you owe anyone an apology for your decision not to go: you are an adult and set your own priorities. If having money available to help a friend is more important than attending this wedding, then that's how it is.
But, while it is perfectly appropriate for you to tell your boyfriend that you don't want him to miss out, and in fact hope he would go and have a good time, I would tread lightly when it comes to "persuading" him to do so. That decision is ultimately up to him, and personally, I would be quite upset if I felt that my partner was trying to persuade me to go away when I didn't really want to. He's also an adult and can make his own decisions about what will and will not be fun for him.
posted by rpfields at 11:25 AM on June 4, 2014 [20 favorites]
But, while it is perfectly appropriate for you to tell your boyfriend that you don't want him to miss out, and in fact hope he would go and have a good time, I would tread lightly when it comes to "persuading" him to do so. That decision is ultimately up to him, and personally, I would be quite upset if I felt that my partner was trying to persuade me to go away when I didn't really want to. He's also an adult and can make his own decisions about what will and will not be fun for him.
posted by rpfields at 11:25 AM on June 4, 2014 [20 favorites]
"If I go, I won't be able to enjoy myself because [reasons]. But please go and let me enjoy it vicariously through you. I would love to have you go and call me from there and send me photos."
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 11:25 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 11:25 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have anxiety and sometimes it is a big issue between me and my SO when I don't want to go to something and he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't like to travel alone, and he also doesn't like the constant "where's radioamy?" questions. And quite frankly, I do understand that - there is an expectation that as a couple you will do social stuff together. I'm not saying you should go, but you may need to be understanding as to why he wants you to go or doesn't want to go alone.
posted by radioamy at 11:28 AM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by radioamy at 11:28 AM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
If had to go to a wedding alone, after having planned to do so along with my SO, I wouldn't want to go. I would feel awkward and third-wheel-like, even if I were among friends.
This. I went to a wedding without my husband once and it was real bummer. It is not something I will do again. Let your boyfriend make his own decisions.
posted by something something at 11:28 AM on June 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
This. I went to a wedding without my husband once and it was real bummer. It is not something I will do again. Let your boyfriend make his own decisions.
posted by something something at 11:28 AM on June 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
If you're both close to the couple getting married, you might want to explain it as a way to have your family represented at the wedding. You can't go for health reasons, but your boyfriend goes to give your love and represent you both as members of the couple's community.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 11:29 AM on June 4, 2014
posted by goodbyewaffles at 11:29 AM on June 4, 2014
He doesn't think he wants to go without me
I know he would have a blast
Fair is fair: if you can say you don't want to go because of x, then he too is allowed to decide for himself if he wants to go --- he's an adult, you don't get to decide for him.
I have been part of this extended social circle for a decade before we met
Because of this, he probably feels they're more your friends than his, that he'd feel (as thereemix says) like a third wheel, and that you're pushing him away: no matter how valid your reasons for staying home are (illness, finances, whatever) what you're telling him is apparently coming across as, Go Away. Explain your reasons to him, just as you've explained them to us here, then back off and let him decide for himself if he goes or not.
posted by easily confused at 11:38 AM on June 4, 2014 [14 favorites]
I know he would have a blast
Fair is fair: if you can say you don't want to go because of x, then he too is allowed to decide for himself if he wants to go --- he's an adult, you don't get to decide for him.
I have been part of this extended social circle for a decade before we met
Because of this, he probably feels they're more your friends than his, that he'd feel (as thereemix says) like a third wheel, and that you're pushing him away: no matter how valid your reasons for staying home are (illness, finances, whatever) what you're telling him is apparently coming across as, Go Away. Explain your reasons to him, just as you've explained them to us here, then back off and let him decide for himself if he goes or not.
posted by easily confused at 11:38 AM on June 4, 2014 [14 favorites]
Express your truth to him. Don't worry about convincing him. Let him know how you feel, say it as lovingly and articulately as you can. Then, understand that he will take whatever action he chooses.
I think you will both feel less pressure if you don't try to convince him, but instead you simply speak from your heart.
posted by elf27 at 11:41 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think you will both feel less pressure if you don't try to convince him, but instead you simply speak from your heart.
posted by elf27 at 11:41 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
You explain things really clearly here. So I'm going to guess that you've actually explained it clearly to him, and that he gets it.
After reading your post, I still said to myself "so why does she want him to go, so badly?" and well, you have reasons, and they are good, but -- he is a whole autonomous adult with reasons of his own, and I think you need to respect that a bit more. He can choose not to go, for entirely his own reasons (which may be influenced by whether you go, but you need to not go for very good reasons). You need to accept whatever choice he makes.
He may know he'd have a good time, but still choose not to go anyway. That's his choice to make.
posted by Dashy at 11:43 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
After reading your post, I still said to myself "so why does she want him to go, so badly?" and well, you have reasons, and they are good, but -- he is a whole autonomous adult with reasons of his own, and I think you need to respect that a bit more. He can choose not to go, for entirely his own reasons (which may be influenced by whether you go, but you need to not go for very good reasons). You need to accept whatever choice he makes.
He may know he'd have a good time, but still choose not to go anyway. That's his choice to make.
posted by Dashy at 11:43 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
I went to a wedding without my husband once and it was real bummer.
My SO recently went to an out-of-state wedding without me (I currently have a neck injury that prohibits me from traveling) and he was really bummed. Although he was actually the best man so clearly he knew people there well, he said it was hard to have fun without me.
So just keep that in mind.
posted by radioamy at 11:47 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
My SO recently went to an out-of-state wedding without me (I currently have a neck injury that prohibits me from traveling) and he was really bummed. Although he was actually the best man so clearly he knew people there well, he said it was hard to have fun without me.
So just keep that in mind.
posted by radioamy at 11:47 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
It seems completely irrational to me that you think it's OK for you to not go just because you don't feel like going (and, yes, all your reasons not to go are that you don't feel like going, not anything objective), but you don't think it's OK for your boyfriend not to go just because he doesn't feel like going.
You can't make him want to go any more than he can make you want to go.
If neither of you wants to go, just don't go. If you want space from him, just ask for space from him. You can't make him take a trip he doesn't want to take just because then you wouldn't have to look at him for a few days.
posted by Sara C. at 11:52 AM on June 4, 2014 [38 favorites]
You can't make him want to go any more than he can make you want to go.
If neither of you wants to go, just don't go. If you want space from him, just ask for space from him. You can't make him take a trip he doesn't want to take just because then you wouldn't have to look at him for a few days.
posted by Sara C. at 11:52 AM on June 4, 2014 [38 favorites]
Its OK for you not to go. Its also OK for him not to go if he doesn't want to. If you want to get your bearings take a weekend off from him, go to a spa or whatever.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:00 PM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 12:00 PM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
You're making an AWFUL lot of assumptions here from the start.
I'll just say that you're both adults and you both are capable of independent thought and making your own damn decisions.
He is respecting your decision (and reasons) not to go.
You need to respect his decision (and reasons) and quit fortune telling and mind reading.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 12:01 PM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'll just say that you're both adults and you both are capable of independent thought and making your own damn decisions.
He is respecting your decision (and reasons) not to go.
You need to respect his decision (and reasons) and quit fortune telling and mind reading.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 12:01 PM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
This reads like you're trying to perform gymnastics to bend reality to fit your mood.
And your attempt to "comprise" just resulted in you getting your way anyhow.... to which he is allowed his disappointment, irritation, and wanting to back out. It kind of reads like you strung him along as he acquiesced to your demands, only to come up with a new set of "reasons" to get this moment's desired results.
If you need time away, why didn't you plan a weekend to yourself before (or after) the wedding, instead of using this as your excuse to bow out?
Have you considered therapy to help parse the emotions that come with 6 years of illness and what seems to be a lot of social anxiety?
posted by haplesschild at 12:09 PM on June 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
And your attempt to "comprise" just resulted in you getting your way anyhow.... to which he is allowed his disappointment, irritation, and wanting to back out. It kind of reads like you strung him along as he acquiesced to your demands, only to come up with a new set of "reasons" to get this moment's desired results.
If you need time away, why didn't you plan a weekend to yourself before (or after) the wedding, instead of using this as your excuse to bow out?
Have you considered therapy to help parse the emotions that come with 6 years of illness and what seems to be a lot of social anxiety?
posted by haplesschild at 12:09 PM on June 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
You are prioritizing your (presumably-adult) friend's possible future "need" over the comfort and companionship of your partner of 6 years.
I'd be pissed too. You should go.
posted by flimflam at 12:30 PM on June 4, 2014 [12 favorites]
I'd be pissed too. You should go.
posted by flimflam at 12:30 PM on June 4, 2014 [12 favorites]
He doesn't think he wants to go without me
I know he would have a blast
Well, really, he knows he doesn't want to go without you and you think he would have a blast.
It's one thing to encourage him to go once or twice, but at this point the crowdsourcing for help with this feels a little...insistent. I'm sorry, OP, but I really hope re-think your plan to convince him to go and maybe think about how you can get that much-needed time alone.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:34 PM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
I know he would have a blast
Well, really, he knows he doesn't want to go without you and you think he would have a blast.
It's one thing to encourage him to go once or twice, but at this point the crowdsourcing for help with this feels a little...insistent. I'm sorry, OP, but I really hope re-think your plan to convince him to go and maybe think about how you can get that much-needed time alone.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:34 PM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi, if you disagree with my own direct experience of my boyfriend socializing without me, that's cool, but that's not what I asked. I've marked this resolved but if you have any further answers to the questions I asked, I'll be interested to read them.
posted by janey47 at 12:39 PM on June 4, 2014
posted by janey47 at 12:39 PM on June 4, 2014
I think what might help is if you could compromise a little, as you asked him to do so. Talk to him about the financial burden and at least let him have the opportunity to help. And see if there's a way to work out the anxiety issues for you. Maybe you could just go to the ceremony, since nobody will be looking at you anyway - the focus is on the bridge and groom. Maybe you could go off with him for part of each day to do stuff with him and, if he wants to, he could go to some of the social stuff. Or ask him if he has any ideas. Ask him how the two of you can work this out as a couple, as there are bound to be other times like this. I see it as a great opportunity for the two of you to collaborate and respect one another's needs and values. Also, if you two went and you had some couples time scheduled each day and there was no pressure on him to do some of the activities, maybe he'd be more into it. Maybe there's a way to be creative about this. Then it's less about selling him on going without you and more about "I am able to participate in these ways, but my medical problems prevent me from doing more. I don't want to hold you back. How do we work on this?"
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 12:47 PM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 12:47 PM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
it would be great for me if he would go
That's really the problem with all of this. Or at least with how this question is framed and why you're getting these responses. From what you've written, this has nothing to do with what would be best for him. You're trying to make yourself feel better and have him take on at least some of the responsibility for your decision.
There's probably a good degree of guilt mixed in with all of your anxiety and sending him off would probably alleviate some of that. Your list of reasons for not going is perfectly valid but you could go, you're choosing not to. A totally fine decision to make, you just need to accept the repercussions. It was a trip you planned on taking together, you're backing out. If I was in his position I wouldn't go either.
When you talk with him, be honest. Tell him that you want some space. That it really is ok for him to go and that you think he'll have a really good time. But be prepared to accept that by opting out of the trip you've seriously altered the plans and he no longer has any interest. Don't push him to do something he doesn't want to do because it'd be the easiest solution for you.
posted by AtoBtoA at 12:59 PM on June 4, 2014 [12 favorites]
That's really the problem with all of this. Or at least with how this question is framed and why you're getting these responses. From what you've written, this has nothing to do with what would be best for him. You're trying to make yourself feel better and have him take on at least some of the responsibility for your decision.
There's probably a good degree of guilt mixed in with all of your anxiety and sending him off would probably alleviate some of that. Your list of reasons for not going is perfectly valid but you could go, you're choosing not to. A totally fine decision to make, you just need to accept the repercussions. It was a trip you planned on taking together, you're backing out. If I was in his position I wouldn't go either.
When you talk with him, be honest. Tell him that you want some space. That it really is ok for him to go and that you think he'll have a really good time. But be prepared to accept that by opting out of the trip you've seriously altered the plans and he no longer has any interest. Don't push him to do something he doesn't want to do because it'd be the easiest solution for you.
posted by AtoBtoA at 12:59 PM on June 4, 2014 [12 favorites]
I want him to go
People in hell want ice water.
Look, I get your if you have any further answers to the questions I asked and ther'es good ways to communicate your point. But you are phrasing this as a "how do I get him to go" and when you really need to do - both from a practical standpoint and from the position of respecting him as a person with autonomy and a right to make his own decisions - is communicate to him how "it is okay for him to go." If he still doesn't want to For Reasons, well, you have reasons and he has reasons and since it's his body and time he gets to make the final call.
How do you phrase it effectively? You say, "Honey, between the money issue and my health/anxiery I just don't think I would be happy at this event, overall. But I really don't want to be the reason you don't go and I think you'll have a great time. It's okay with me for you to go without me and to be honest I could use a little "me" time around then anyway."
Then you respect him as a person and let him make his own choices. As others say above, you don't necessarily know what's in his head. That's not about you knowing his experience of socializing without you, that's because just as it's possible for
My reasons for not attending might not be clear to him
to be true, it's possible all his reasons for not wanting to go without you may not be known to you.
posted by phearlez at 1:06 PM on June 4, 2014 [18 favorites]
People in hell want ice water.
Look, I get your if you have any further answers to the questions I asked and ther'es good ways to communicate your point. But you are phrasing this as a "how do I get him to go" and when you really need to do - both from a practical standpoint and from the position of respecting him as a person with autonomy and a right to make his own decisions - is communicate to him how "it is okay for him to go." If he still doesn't want to For Reasons, well, you have reasons and he has reasons and since it's his body and time he gets to make the final call.
How do you phrase it effectively? You say, "Honey, between the money issue and my health/anxiery I just don't think I would be happy at this event, overall. But I really don't want to be the reason you don't go and I think you'll have a great time. It's okay with me for you to go without me and to be honest I could use a little "me" time around then anyway."
Then you respect him as a person and let him make his own choices. As others say above, you don't necessarily know what's in his head. That's not about you knowing his experience of socializing without you, that's because just as it's possible for
My reasons for not attending might not be clear to him
to be true, it's possible all his reasons for not wanting to go without you may not be known to you.
posted by phearlez at 1:06 PM on June 4, 2014 [18 favorites]
Aside from all the "I'm sure it would be a blast for him" (which to me seems like you trying to manage his social life based on your idea of what's good for him, aka codependent boundary failure), the main reason I hear that you're attached to his going is that you want the weekend to hermit.
Just a reminder: even if he decides not to go, you can still tell him that you need a weekend to yourself. You don't need him to go out of town to get alone time.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:16 PM on June 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
Just a reminder: even if he decides not to go, you can still tell him that you need a weekend to yourself. You don't need him to go out of town to get alone time.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:16 PM on June 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
If your boyfriend decides he doesn't want to go, are you going to treat him respectfully and understand? Right now it seems like you're only concerned with your needs and well being and you haven't really paid any attention to what your partner has actually been saying. That could be a major obstacle in getting what you want.
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:25 PM on June 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:25 PM on June 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
Why are you trying so hard to convince him? Why does you staying home (for whatever reason) have to coincide with his still going to this wedding? If he's familiar with your medical issues/anxiety...why can't you just tell him you're not feeling it and want to be alone? Why is it so important to you that he attends this wedding --- even though you're the one who planned it and it's your friends (and yes, less social or no, having known them a decade prior to him, your boyfriend viewing them as 'your' friends is completely reasonable/expected)?
Also, you're making a lot of assumptions. You "know" he'd have a blast? How do you know? Unless you've been in this specific situation before you simply don't know if he will or won't have fun - you just know that in SOME instances where he went without you, he still enjoyed himself. However, a wedding is very different. Have you ever attended a wedding solo? It's not fun. A lot of the festivities revolve around couples - which is fine if you have a partner who's attending with you, and fine if you're single (because other singles are looking to hook up) - but not very fun for the guy who's in a committed relationship and flying solo at an event celebrating couples/partnership/love. Are you OK with him dancing with other girls? What about drinking with? Flirting with? These are things solo guys do at parties/weddings, in my experience.
I'm also not sure you realize how you're creating suspicion. Were I your boyfriend I'd be very concerned by the pressure to attend this wedding. The fact that you can't just seem to come out and say "I don't want to go for x. I want alone time. You don't have to go, but I still want alone time" is what's giving me pause for concern. So I really don't blame your boyfriend for getting 'warning bells' - you're being elusive and secretive about your reasons for not wanting to attend an event involving friends you've known far longer than he has, and that you planned.
But to answer your question:
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to attend the wedding anymore. I thought getting a hotel and planning would help with health stuff, but money is going to get tight soon, and with everything else I'm really starting to dread going - it's making me miserable. I think it's best if I don't go. I could also really use the alone time. That's why I've been encouraging you to still go. You don't have to, of course, I just thought it'd be more fun for you to go hang out with/see (Bob, Sara, ect.) while I'm feeling like a hermit."
FWIW, I suffer from GI issues and anxiety as well. And like you, my partner is the more outgoing and sociable one. I'm also of the mindset that, despite knowing them first/longer, our friends enjoy his company more. Like your boyfriend, he's very understanding and doesn't judge when it comes to anything pertaining to my health. I've bailed on many trips/parties over the years we've been together. Some of these trips/parties he still went to, and some he decided to forgo when I did. At first I tried to pressure/encourage him to still go, but there was push-back. Then I realized there was probably push-back because I was trying to influence what he did. Not cool. So what happens when I want to bail on plans? I just tell him the truth. He knows he can still go or not and I leave that choice up to him - he's an adult and can make that decision himself.
You've seemed to convince yourself that you can't have alone time unless your boyfriend goes to this wedding. I assure you, you can. You just need to be honest with him. You want alone time and he can either go to the huge wedding and perhaps have some fun, or stay home alone and perhaps have some fun.
posted by stubbehtail at 3:35 PM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Also, you're making a lot of assumptions. You "know" he'd have a blast? How do you know? Unless you've been in this specific situation before you simply don't know if he will or won't have fun - you just know that in SOME instances where he went without you, he still enjoyed himself. However, a wedding is very different. Have you ever attended a wedding solo? It's not fun. A lot of the festivities revolve around couples - which is fine if you have a partner who's attending with you, and fine if you're single (because other singles are looking to hook up) - but not very fun for the guy who's in a committed relationship and flying solo at an event celebrating couples/partnership/love. Are you OK with him dancing with other girls? What about drinking with? Flirting with? These are things solo guys do at parties/weddings, in my experience.
I'm also not sure you realize how you're creating suspicion. Were I your boyfriend I'd be very concerned by the pressure to attend this wedding. The fact that you can't just seem to come out and say "I don't want to go for x. I want alone time. You don't have to go, but I still want alone time" is what's giving me pause for concern. So I really don't blame your boyfriend for getting 'warning bells' - you're being elusive and secretive about your reasons for not wanting to attend an event involving friends you've known far longer than he has, and that you planned.
But to answer your question:
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to attend the wedding anymore. I thought getting a hotel and planning would help with health stuff, but money is going to get tight soon, and with everything else I'm really starting to dread going - it's making me miserable. I think it's best if I don't go. I could also really use the alone time. That's why I've been encouraging you to still go. You don't have to, of course, I just thought it'd be more fun for you to go hang out with/see (Bob, Sara, ect.) while I'm feeling like a hermit."
FWIW, I suffer from GI issues and anxiety as well. And like you, my partner is the more outgoing and sociable one. I'm also of the mindset that, despite knowing them first/longer, our friends enjoy his company more. Like your boyfriend, he's very understanding and doesn't judge when it comes to anything pertaining to my health. I've bailed on many trips/parties over the years we've been together. Some of these trips/parties he still went to, and some he decided to forgo when I did. At first I tried to pressure/encourage him to still go, but there was push-back. Then I realized there was probably push-back because I was trying to influence what he did. Not cool. So what happens when I want to bail on plans? I just tell him the truth. He knows he can still go or not and I leave that choice up to him - he's an adult and can make that decision himself.
You've seemed to convince yourself that you can't have alone time unless your boyfriend goes to this wedding. I assure you, you can. You just need to be honest with him. You want alone time and he can either go to the huge wedding and perhaps have some fun, or stay home alone and perhaps have some fun.
posted by stubbehtail at 3:35 PM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
I don't know if this will help you, but here goes. When I was young, my dad would compel me to attend a large variety of social gatherings that I didn't want to attend for various reasons. "It'll be good for you," he'd say, as if a bbq of old people was like a vitamin shot and would increase my socialisation skills and make me happier.
And you know, sometimes he was right. Sometimes I did enjoy myself, met someone interesting had a good time (more often,e but that's by-the-by). But you know what it didn't really matter if he was right; by forcing me to go he was treating me like a child, ignoring or overriding my own clearly stated preferences, insisting that he knew me better than myself (again, even when he was right, this is an infuriating thing to experience), and telling me how to feel and think. Very patronising etc.
I kinda feel like you're trying to do this with your boyfriend - and its colored by the fact you *really want* him to go. It's actually, well it's actually a little bit selfish - not that there's anything wrong with that, but your boyfriend will be able to easily sense you are dressing up your desires as the Best Thing for Everyone.
Instead of focussing so heavily on why it's the Best Thing. I would just level with him, and be like, "For reasons X, Y, Z and my general introversion, I'm gonna bail on this wedding. I don't wan you to feel obligated not to attend just because I'm not. Those guys love you and you always have a good time with them, so please don't hang back on my account."
And then leave it at that. You can't make him go.
If you want to exacerbate his insecurities, I would then say, "Plus I am really looking forward to spending time alone, without you." Knowing your boyfriend is a bit touchy in this area, I wouldn't mention that at all, I would just play those need-for-solitude moments as they come up. Also, I would avoid pretending that this is only or mostly about the money - cause it's gonna look hella suss if you spend money on other big things over the short term. It seems from the way you're talking about it, honestly, it's not about the money, it's that you don't want to do it - certainly you don't want to do it for the money currently involved, which I feel is a subtle but important distinction.
Something you don't touch on is if your boyfriend wants you to go, thinks it would be good for you. Reflect on how you might feel if he was attempting to force you into something.
Best of luck, I'm sure you'll figure out something that works.
posted by smoke at 4:54 PM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
And you know, sometimes he was right. Sometimes I did enjoy myself, met someone interesting had a good time (more often,e but that's by-the-by). But you know what it didn't really matter if he was right; by forcing me to go he was treating me like a child, ignoring or overriding my own clearly stated preferences, insisting that he knew me better than myself (again, even when he was right, this is an infuriating thing to experience), and telling me how to feel and think. Very patronising etc.
I kinda feel like you're trying to do this with your boyfriend - and its colored by the fact you *really want* him to go. It's actually, well it's actually a little bit selfish - not that there's anything wrong with that, but your boyfriend will be able to easily sense you are dressing up your desires as the Best Thing for Everyone.
Instead of focussing so heavily on why it's the Best Thing. I would just level with him, and be like, "For reasons X, Y, Z and my general introversion, I'm gonna bail on this wedding. I don't wan you to feel obligated not to attend just because I'm not. Those guys love you and you always have a good time with them, so please don't hang back on my account."
And then leave it at that. You can't make him go.
If you want to exacerbate his insecurities, I would then say, "Plus I am really looking forward to spending time alone, without you." Knowing your boyfriend is a bit touchy in this area, I wouldn't mention that at all, I would just play those need-for-solitude moments as they come up. Also, I would avoid pretending that this is only or mostly about the money - cause it's gonna look hella suss if you spend money on other big things over the short term. It seems from the way you're talking about it, honestly, it's not about the money, it's that you don't want to do it - certainly you don't want to do it for the money currently involved, which I feel is a subtle but important distinction.
Something you don't touch on is if your boyfriend wants you to go, thinks it would be good for you. Reflect on how you might feel if he was attempting to force you into something.
Best of luck, I'm sure you'll figure out something that works.
posted by smoke at 4:54 PM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
Hi, if you disagree with my own direct experience of my boyfriend socializing without me, that's cool, but that's not what I asked. I've marked this resolved but if you have any further answers to the questions I asked, I'll be interested to read them.
Fair enough.
Can you help me apologize to my boyfriend, and convince him to attend a wedding I can't go to?
To be clear, I don't see the two as being linked and believe you have sincerely apologized already, but assuming you would be willing to do it:
"I apologize for changing our plans and disappointing you. If I went for the wedding but returned home a few days early would you change your mind about going for the whole event like we originally planned?"
posted by Room 641-A at 8:39 PM on June 4, 2014
Fair enough.
Can you help me apologize to my boyfriend, and convince him to attend a wedding I can't go to?
To be clear, I don't see the two as being linked and believe you have sincerely apologized already, but assuming you would be willing to do it:
"I apologize for changing our plans and disappointing you. If I went for the wedding but returned home a few days early would you change your mind about going for the whole event like we originally planned?"
posted by Room 641-A at 8:39 PM on June 4, 2014
Have you 100% made up your mind about not going?
As someone with a lifetime of anxiety, I have to ask: Do you usually react to your anxiety with avoidance? The last minute panic and massive change of plans makes me suspect this is coming from a place of letting your anxiety control you. I think that's legitimate, and you are in charge of what's best for your health, but I would really consider going. With the hotel and boundaries you've very smartly put in place for yourself, it might be a really good way to strengthen yourself with the added bonus of making your partner happy.
posted by Katine at 5:02 AM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
As someone with a lifetime of anxiety, I have to ask: Do you usually react to your anxiety with avoidance? The last minute panic and massive change of plans makes me suspect this is coming from a place of letting your anxiety control you. I think that's legitimate, and you are in charge of what's best for your health, but I would really consider going. With the hotel and boundaries you've very smartly put in place for yourself, it might be a really good way to strengthen yourself with the added bonus of making your partner happy.
posted by Katine at 5:02 AM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sometimes my wife and I have skipped out on fairly big events (concerts, parties, etc) that we were really excited about earlier in the week, just because on that day we were tired, or just felt like being home in our jammies, or anything. Would we have had fun if we went? Yeah, probably, but we were just as happy to stay home. It's not always mutually exclusive that going out = fun and staying home = not fun. He might even know that yes, he'd have fun if he went, but for whatever reasons he's just not that into it right now.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? I don't want to hurt his feelings or ask him to do something he really doesn't want to do, but it would be great for me if he would go and I think he would really enjoy it except for odd moments here and there when he thinks of me.
I think there is no way for your feeling that he would enjoy it - even if that's true - not to be colored by your desire for him to go away for a bit. Just tell him you would really like some alone time soon, and the wedding would be an easy way to do it, but if he doesn't want to go then can you arrange some other time apart soon?
If you've been on the receiving end of this kind of issue, what helped you get okay with the issue?
Accepting that I'm an adult and can make my own decisions and even if I decide to stay home and then regret it, I will have learned that next time I should go.
If you've been on my end, what helped you explain?
I feel like we're missing a piece here - does your boyfriend have anxiety, or crippling shyness, such that it's difficult for him to go without you? Even then, the best you can do is say "I'd rather not go, but I really think you'd have fun, you can step out and call me if you get shy or lonely, but totally do it!"
If he just plain doesn't really want to go, even if he and you know he would have fun, then... you can't reason someone into wanting to do something.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:02 AM on June 5, 2014
Have you ever been in a similar situation? I don't want to hurt his feelings or ask him to do something he really doesn't want to do, but it would be great for me if he would go and I think he would really enjoy it except for odd moments here and there when he thinks of me.
I think there is no way for your feeling that he would enjoy it - even if that's true - not to be colored by your desire for him to go away for a bit. Just tell him you would really like some alone time soon, and the wedding would be an easy way to do it, but if he doesn't want to go then can you arrange some other time apart soon?
If you've been on the receiving end of this kind of issue, what helped you get okay with the issue?
Accepting that I'm an adult and can make my own decisions and even if I decide to stay home and then regret it, I will have learned that next time I should go.
If you've been on my end, what helped you explain?
I feel like we're missing a piece here - does your boyfriend have anxiety, or crippling shyness, such that it's difficult for him to go without you? Even then, the best you can do is say "I'd rather not go, but I really think you'd have fun, you can step out and call me if you get shy or lonely, but totally do it!"
If he just plain doesn't really want to go, even if he and you know he would have fun, then... you can't reason someone into wanting to do something.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:02 AM on June 5, 2014
You really can't control the way your boyfriend is going to feel in this situation.
Sometimes, you just have to accept that other people are going to be disappointed by your decisions. That's okay.
posted by inertia at 10:25 AM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sometimes, you just have to accept that other people are going to be disappointed by your decisions. That's okay.
posted by inertia at 10:25 AM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: As a follow up, he decided to go, and he had so much fun that he stayed an extra night. The one picture I saw of him on instagram showed him at his finest. YAY!
I stayed home, near the toilet, and was glad I did. My condition seems to be worsening, which is too bad, but at least I had a private toilet to deal with it. Also, I got a lot of much-needed rest.
There are other factors that played into this question that I chose not to reveal for privacy's sake, and it would have been great if more people had given me the benefit of the doubt and stayed on topic. I appreciate the good faith effort of all involved.
posted by janey47 at 9:42 AM on June 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I stayed home, near the toilet, and was glad I did. My condition seems to be worsening, which is too bad, but at least I had a private toilet to deal with it. Also, I got a lot of much-needed rest.
There are other factors that played into this question that I chose not to reveal for privacy's sake, and it would have been great if more people had given me the benefit of the doubt and stayed on topic. I appreciate the good faith effort of all involved.
posted by janey47 at 9:42 AM on June 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
« Older Is there an easy way to overlay photos in... | Connecting to Postgres through Powershell/Changing... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:22 AM on June 4, 2014 [17 favorites]