Memorial for family member planned while I'm away working
June 3, 2014 9:10 PM Subscribe
Someone in my extended family passed away. Her only child just told me that he'd like to plan a memorial for a future date while other relatives are in town. He and I were very close growing up, have somewhat drifted, but lately have been in one another's lives again. His mom was his only immediate family member. I already know I'm scheduled to be away from home working for three weeks at that time. Do I cancel, or proceed?
I'm a freelancer in a field that requires me to travel frequently. In my line of work there are no sick days or compassion days - you forfeit the project or you're in it for the long haul. No one could theoretically cover for me for a day or two while I go back for the memorial, as my position is a key creative role. So the motives to proceed with the project are both artistic and economic. They feel very selfish, though. Sadly, this is just how my industry works. It's making me reconsider how long I'd like to stay in this industry, but as it stands it's much, much harder for me than it is for most people to make arrangements to be present at that particular time.
I am also trying really hard to financially plan for the future as my spouse and I are thinking of having a child soon, which means I would personally be incapable of making money for a long stretch of time since as an artist I don't have company benefits or mat leave.
I already know I will help a lot with planning the memorial but know I would feel awful missing it. The "right thing to do" seems to be to stay and forfeit the project, but even my (very pragmatic) siblings and parents are telling me that life goes on and that I have an obligation to people who are relying on me professionally.
Am I being egotistical in thinking my presence at a memorial matters this much? Or is it awful to even consider missing this?
Also, how do other creatives here and other professionals with demanding schedules find a balance when "real life" happens? How can you both be there for your family and maintain a sustainable career? I'm not trying to become a star in my field; I'm just trying to create a sustainable lifestyle.
I'm a freelancer in a field that requires me to travel frequently. In my line of work there are no sick days or compassion days - you forfeit the project or you're in it for the long haul. No one could theoretically cover for me for a day or two while I go back for the memorial, as my position is a key creative role. So the motives to proceed with the project are both artistic and economic. They feel very selfish, though. Sadly, this is just how my industry works. It's making me reconsider how long I'd like to stay in this industry, but as it stands it's much, much harder for me than it is for most people to make arrangements to be present at that particular time.
I am also trying really hard to financially plan for the future as my spouse and I are thinking of having a child soon, which means I would personally be incapable of making money for a long stretch of time since as an artist I don't have company benefits or mat leave.
I already know I will help a lot with planning the memorial but know I would feel awful missing it. The "right thing to do" seems to be to stay and forfeit the project, but even my (very pragmatic) siblings and parents are telling me that life goes on and that I have an obligation to people who are relying on me professionally.
Am I being egotistical in thinking my presence at a memorial matters this much? Or is it awful to even consider missing this?
Also, how do other creatives here and other professionals with demanding schedules find a balance when "real life" happens? How can you both be there for your family and maintain a sustainable career? I'm not trying to become a star in my field; I'm just trying to create a sustainable lifestyle.
I'll add--let your cousin know that while you will be away during those three weeks, you do want to help him to prepare. And then be sure to do so.
Tell him early and don't dwell on your economic reasons for keeping the gig, just present it as something that you cannot change.
posted by calgirl at 9:32 PM on June 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
Tell him early and don't dwell on your economic reasons for keeping the gig, just present it as something that you cannot change.
posted by calgirl at 9:32 PM on June 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
Can your spouse go in your stead?
posted by samthemander at 9:47 PM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by samthemander at 9:47 PM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
The right thing to do is to be supportive and do your job. Nobody is entitled to compassionate leave for deaths in the wider family anyway so there is a real possibility you'd not be able to attend the memorial even if you were employed.
Support your cousin during preparations and let them share memories of the memorial afterwards and send supportive messages whilst you're away.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:21 PM on June 3, 2014
Support your cousin during preparations and let them share memories of the memorial afterwards and send supportive messages whilst you're away.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:21 PM on June 3, 2014
How far away will you be?
Are the clients you work with jerks or cool?
How much of your time each day is in "critical" meetings?
How much do you care about the situation?
Can you do some of the work while you travel (like while flying)?
My experience with these kinds of situations has been pretty good overall. It can't hurt to ask your client for a few days off because of a death in the family. The worst that can happen is that they say no. It won't betray some lack of seriousness or commitment.
I find there's a general sentiment to always "love your family", because "they're your family", which is (I think) an continuance from when we were an agrarian society and your family was your life. But in any case, if you love your family, for real reasons, and can make it happen, go for the memorial.
If you live in Ohio and will be travelling in Europe or Asia or something, that onorous travel for just a few days, but if it's just US travel and you can get the time off from work, go for it.
I really think that no one is as important as they think (even clients) and there's the adage that no one was ever on their death bed wishing they had worked more.
Make the time for the people that matter to you.
Also, be the person that keeps in touch after. Many people fade away after a funeral. I'm guilty of that as well.
I've also had to miss events like this. But I've also made the 1 day 6 hour each way drive to be at a funeral.
It all depends on how you feel you will best be able to get closure for yourself and how you can provide support and be supported by those you care about.
posted by reddot at 5:20 AM on June 4, 2014
Are the clients you work with jerks or cool?
How much of your time each day is in "critical" meetings?
How much do you care about the situation?
Can you do some of the work while you travel (like while flying)?
My experience with these kinds of situations has been pretty good overall. It can't hurt to ask your client for a few days off because of a death in the family. The worst that can happen is that they say no. It won't betray some lack of seriousness or commitment.
I find there's a general sentiment to always "love your family", because "they're your family", which is (I think) an continuance from when we were an agrarian society and your family was your life. But in any case, if you love your family, for real reasons, and can make it happen, go for the memorial.
If you live in Ohio and will be travelling in Europe or Asia or something, that onorous travel for just a few days, but if it's just US travel and you can get the time off from work, go for it.
I really think that no one is as important as they think (even clients) and there's the adage that no one was ever on their death bed wishing they had worked more.
Make the time for the people that matter to you.
Also, be the person that keeps in touch after. Many people fade away after a funeral. I'm guilty of that as well.
I've also had to miss events like this. But I've also made the 1 day 6 hour each way drive to be at a funeral.
It all depends on how you feel you will best be able to get closure for yourself and how you can provide support and be supported by those you care about.
posted by reddot at 5:20 AM on June 4, 2014
Forgive me for being tacky, but can you skype in or arrange for a (private) web cast? I've seen it done for weddings (just the ceremony). It might be too tacky for a memorial service, I understand. Just throwing it out there.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:01 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:01 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, be the person that keeps in touch after. Many people fade away after a funeral. I'm guilty of that as well.
I can't emphasis enough how great it would be if you keep in touch after. My cousin/best friend died a couple months ago, and pretty much all of my other friends left a consoling comment on my Facebook post about it, and that was pretty much it. It made me vow that if any of my friends experience a similar loss, I will do my best to continue to reach out to them about it in the weeks and months afterwards, because I badly needed it and didn't find it.
I'm sorry for your and your family's loss.
posted by skycrashesdown at 6:47 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
I can't emphasis enough how great it would be if you keep in touch after. My cousin/best friend died a couple months ago, and pretty much all of my other friends left a consoling comment on my Facebook post about it, and that was pretty much it. It made me vow that if any of my friends experience a similar loss, I will do my best to continue to reach out to them about it in the weeks and months afterwards, because I badly needed it and didn't find it.
I'm sorry for your and your family's loss.
posted by skycrashesdown at 6:47 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
If only I had a penguin...: "Forgive me for being tacky, but can you skype in or arrange for a (private) web cast? I've seen it done for weddings (just the ceremony). It might be too tacky for a memorial service, I understand. Just throwing it out there."
I was just about to suggest the same thing -- skype in. I've seen it done, and it wasn't tacky. The skyper was there for a shorter time period at the service I saw -- he said a few words and listened to a couple prayers, then he signed off, which meant that the computer was put away so it wasn't a distraction for most of the service, and the guy on skype didn't have to sit there trying not to make weird expressions or cough into the microphone or anything. It was nice, people felt like he made a really special effort to be there, since skypeing into a memorial service is a bit unusual.
Send a really lovely floral arrangement (and/or a donation to the charity of choice). That's the traditional way of showing your sorrow when you can't be there, and even people who aren't big into flowers and say they prefer donations to charity are often grateful for a couple of arrangements sent by distant family, because it's a visible reminder of the family's love, and their willingness to make an expensive symbolic statement just to show that love. (I don't mean that in a bad way; the flowers' "uselessness," temporariness, and expense is part of what makes the symbol powerful.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:56 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I was just about to suggest the same thing -- skype in. I've seen it done, and it wasn't tacky. The skyper was there for a shorter time period at the service I saw -- he said a few words and listened to a couple prayers, then he signed off, which meant that the computer was put away so it wasn't a distraction for most of the service, and the guy on skype didn't have to sit there trying not to make weird expressions or cough into the microphone or anything. It was nice, people felt like he made a really special effort to be there, since skypeing into a memorial service is a bit unusual.
Send a really lovely floral arrangement (and/or a donation to the charity of choice). That's the traditional way of showing your sorrow when you can't be there, and even people who aren't big into flowers and say they prefer donations to charity are often grateful for a couple of arrangements sent by distant family, because it's a visible reminder of the family's love, and their willingness to make an expensive symbolic statement just to show that love. (I don't mean that in a bad way; the flowers' "uselessness," temporariness, and expense is part of what makes the symbol powerful.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:56 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
how do other creatives here and other professionals with demanding schedules find a balance when "real life" happens?
I accepted that I was going to miss a lot of big social events like weddings and focused on building a few meaningful relationships and spending quality small group time with them. It suited my temperament well; frankly, I find things like most weddings to be pretty dull and tedious. I'd rather spend a really good weekend camping sometime down the line with the bride and groom when everyone isn't stressed, chaotic, and overscheduled.
In this case, I'd ask the cousin how important it is to him for you to be there, and try to figure things out based on the reply.
posted by Candleman at 7:45 AM on June 4, 2014
I accepted that I was going to miss a lot of big social events like weddings and focused on building a few meaningful relationships and spending quality small group time with them. It suited my temperament well; frankly, I find things like most weddings to be pretty dull and tedious. I'd rather spend a really good weekend camping sometime down the line with the bride and groom when everyone isn't stressed, chaotic, and overscheduled.
In this case, I'd ask the cousin how important it is to him for you to be there, and try to figure things out based on the reply.
posted by Candleman at 7:45 AM on June 4, 2014
It's not tacky to see if someone can video or stream the event.
I produced a DVD of a funeral for a colleague, who had relatives that were unable to travel to the event due to ill health.
I streamed a family event last year for my dad, who was unable to travel due to ill health. Even just a cell phone can record UStream.
Be there for your relative (cousin?) after the event to talk through his feelings, and even if he needs some time alone, make sure he knows you're available when he's ready to process/share/grieve.
Finding a balance with real life is really tough, but I think it's easier when you have a good rapport with the people who you work for, whether you're a "captive" or freelancer OR when you have a very professional, very compartmentalized relationship and can simply say, "I have a family emergency," and leave it at that without being pried at. If you're in a setting where you're going to get to know each other very well, like a film set, I think you still have to be really careful about how much detail you reveal to colleagues and bosses. The same person who expects compassion and flexibility about their child care woes, may not show the same compassion towards your needs and experiences.
I read once that employers are usually better about educational emergencies (i.e. if you're going to school), because they figure the education benefits them, and I've often found that to be true with my most recent day job.
When you're a freelancer, you don't have this structure to work around - so you have to make that structure for yourself. Figure out ahead of time what really matters to you and what you need - even if it means you have to say no to a job (or, as you move up in your field, you negotiate to work on it a little later, or join the team after the project gets into motion). For instance, if you have a child, you could tell potential clients that you're busy in September, but you can squeeze them in, in August. It's not their business that your project might be getting your kid adapted into school. As women we sometimes pay a price for how much we reveal about our personal lives, unfortunately, even with other women. Consider the hypocrisy of Marissa Mayer over at Yahoo, for instance - she worked at home while pregnant, then brought the baby to work in a nursery - and then reversed all telecommuting agreements.
You have to take time for you, and plan more family time during your "quieter" periods. See Mom on Mother's Day rather than Thanksgiving if May is less busy than November. Make sure that you plan things and that things don't just "happen" to you. I am not sure if you're an actor, but they are the one group I think has the worst time, unless they start producing their own projects, because they usually get added to a project only if someone asks them, rather than piloting it. Actors don't drum up work quite the same way as other freelancers, but I think the healthier ones take the reins more.
posted by mitschlag at 9:33 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I produced a DVD of a funeral for a colleague, who had relatives that were unable to travel to the event due to ill health.
I streamed a family event last year for my dad, who was unable to travel due to ill health. Even just a cell phone can record UStream.
Be there for your relative (cousin?) after the event to talk through his feelings, and even if he needs some time alone, make sure he knows you're available when he's ready to process/share/grieve.
Finding a balance with real life is really tough, but I think it's easier when you have a good rapport with the people who you work for, whether you're a "captive" or freelancer OR when you have a very professional, very compartmentalized relationship and can simply say, "I have a family emergency," and leave it at that without being pried at. If you're in a setting where you're going to get to know each other very well, like a film set, I think you still have to be really careful about how much detail you reveal to colleagues and bosses. The same person who expects compassion and flexibility about their child care woes, may not show the same compassion towards your needs and experiences.
I read once that employers are usually better about educational emergencies (i.e. if you're going to school), because they figure the education benefits them, and I've often found that to be true with my most recent day job.
When you're a freelancer, you don't have this structure to work around - so you have to make that structure for yourself. Figure out ahead of time what really matters to you and what you need - even if it means you have to say no to a job (or, as you move up in your field, you negotiate to work on it a little later, or join the team after the project gets into motion). For instance, if you have a child, you could tell potential clients that you're busy in September, but you can squeeze them in, in August. It's not their business that your project might be getting your kid adapted into school. As women we sometimes pay a price for how much we reveal about our personal lives, unfortunately, even with other women. Consider the hypocrisy of Marissa Mayer over at Yahoo, for instance - she worked at home while pregnant, then brought the baby to work in a nursery - and then reversed all telecommuting agreements.
You have to take time for you, and plan more family time during your "quieter" periods. See Mom on Mother's Day rather than Thanksgiving if May is less busy than November. Make sure that you plan things and that things don't just "happen" to you. I am not sure if you're an actor, but they are the one group I think has the worst time, unless they start producing their own projects, because they usually get added to a project only if someone asks them, rather than piloting it. Actors don't drum up work quite the same way as other freelancers, but I think the healthier ones take the reins more.
posted by mitschlag at 9:33 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your answers, this has been very helpful. I've been helping my cousin sort out the arrangements, and as a result I've spent quite a bit of quality time with him. I don't feel quite as awful anymore now that I realize that there are so many more ways to be there for someone than just being present in a room at a specified time...
It's an ongoing process figuring out how to balance personal and professional life, and I appreciate your help as a resource in that department.
posted by BestCoaster at 10:18 PM on July 2, 2014
It's an ongoing process figuring out how to balance personal and professional life, and I appreciate your help as a resource in that department.
posted by BestCoaster at 10:18 PM on July 2, 2014
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posted by bfranklin at 9:25 PM on June 3, 2014 [11 favorites]