I've had three girlfriends in my life, and all three have gone from loving me to never wanting to see me again in just a matter of weeks. What am I doing to scare these awesome ladies away? Snowflake details inside...
posted by sidi hamet to Human Relations (45 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
Hey Metafilter! I know, I know, you are not my therapist, you are not my psychologist, nor do you have all the answers. But after several years' worth of reading, I've noticed that you collectively have a canny ability to locate the blind spots revealed in the way OPs frame a question, and I would greatly appreciate your collective brilliance at doing so in helping me to determine why I cannot be part of a relationship that lasts.
I have had three "relationships." Quotation marks because the longest lasted about ten weeks, and the shortest two. I am 25, and have made repeated efforts to try and build enduring, mutually supportive relationships with women to whom I was very attracted - and they fail INSTANTLY. It goes from passionate to over so fast that my head spins, and I don't know how I can keep failing so badly.
The first was with a girl I met at a party: she was very pretty, had a deep series of issues trusting men because of an abusive ex, and like me, was very into hip-hop and screenwriting. This was perfect for me, honestly - I grew up in an abusive family, I was able to be a kind, considerate, [I hoped] trustworthy boyfriend, and we both understood the 'survivor' mentality. We dated for a week or two, became 'facebook official' almost immediately, and then I went to spend a weekend at her family's house a state away. She basically broke up with me upon arrival, we spent an awful three days together, and have talked intermittently since.
The second was a very pretty girl whom I met through a friend's comedy troupe - they had founded the troupe, she was an improviser in it, we ended up at an 80s dance party together and had an incredibly deep, soul-searching conversation afterward that lasted the night and ended with a ton of making out. She seemed to be into hundreds of niche things that I was also into - little-known artists that we both thought nobody else knew about - and she was also an epically generous, thoughtful person. I thought, wow, this is awesome. We lived a state apart, but began a long-distance relationship based on seeing each other once every 2-3 weeks, and at first, much like the previous girlfriend, she was incredibly smitten with me and the 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship was very intense. She repeatedly told me how amazing I was, and we called and texted nonstop. One day, out of the blue, she told me she needed some "space" and we didn't speak for a week. Then she broke up with me via skype, in a way that was bizarrely very kind and encouraging (really, she told me not to change a thing). The only thing I can think of that might have hurt the relationship was that I had attempted suicide a few months prior to meeting her, and just my mentioning that once brought her to tears - maybe that shook her up too hard?
The final relationship was the most painful and most mystifying. I met a girl through tinder who was phenomenal - a very career-oriented, highly educated young woman who was bubbly and pretty and had an amazing sense of humor that just perfectly jived with mine. It was magic. We dated for a few weeks, and the relationship grew more intense and physical - I have never had so much chemistry with another person as I had with her, it was like we craved one another - and we seemed to rarely be apart. I tried to be as open and emotionally supportive as I could possibly be (and indeed, during our breakup, she complimented me on these qualities), and this started to assume a new importance when she underwent a gastric bypass surgery, which I tried to support her through in every way. Because we had been so sexually active (and due to the surgery, the result of which she could not use any form of contraception), we had a pregnancy scare. Like before, she told me she needed "space," we did not speak for a week. Then she called me to tell me she was breaking up, and this was it. She said I was incredible, but she just couldn't be with someone right now. I was in disbelief, but, I mean, hell, maybe this is just inevitable by now, and she broke up and proceeded to block me on every social network/SMS platform we share. I still don't know if she ever actually became pregnant as a result of the scare, and I may never know.
Perhaps there is some obvious mistake I'm making, in the way I have misunderstood how a relationship works, or what a boyfriend does, or what I did wrong in these cases. I really am confused, and lost, and I feel very confident that every future relationship will also follow this boom-bust pattern of OMG ur amazing followed by get out of my life just a few weeks after. There is something I'm doing that's causing them to fail, and I just can't identify what it is - so please, Metafilter, if you have any insight at all, I would love to hear it.