We broke up. I found out he cheated. Should I tell the "other" woman?
May 21, 2014 7:43 PM Subscribe
Broke up with my boyfriend of several years a couple days ago for unrelated reasons. I thought something was kind of fishy while we were still together, and confirmed suspicions soon after we broke up. He doesn't know that I know about it. It's clear the other woman he has been talking to does not know he wasn't single and that she is interested in him on more than a sexual level. Now she's planning on visiting him from out of state. He claims to still want to get back with me, says he still loves me, thinks it is a mistake to break up. I'm not getting back with him, but obviously he's not telling the truth to at least one of us girls. Should I tell her? What may very well be too many snowflakes inside.
posted by jorlyfish to Human Relations (40 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Long story short, he's been carrying out an online relationship with a woman I do not know but who attended the same small college (same class, different departments) with over Skype... using my computer/cam, while we were living together (at my parents' house, no less)... Idiot.
Our relationship had been in decline for several months - emotionally rough after a cross-country move and lots of other changes and no sex - so he looked elsewhere. I get the why, even though it sucks. I'm not sure how long the relationship between them has been going on -- at least since late winter, but they had to have at least met before then. She and I went to school in a small city about 2000 miles from where my ex and I currently live. She no longer lives in that city; I believe she also went home after graduation to live with her parents. I have processed a lot of the feelings related to the other reasons for the end of the relationship, but to the best of my knowledge I have never been cheated on before, so this is uncharted territory for me both emotionally and "what-do-I-do-now"-wise.
I want to be clear in that I'm not angry at her. I have no reason to be -- I'm just upset at him. I feel that if I were in her shoes, with a guy asking me to come visit for a week, asking if our relationship was exclusive, yadda yadda, I'd want to know that he was a liar before wasting my time and money. I feel like she's either going to tell me to go fuck myself or thank me. Either one is OK by me -- I don't know her, it's not like there's some relationship there to lose. If she still wants to come, bully for her... Like I said, I would just want to be able to make an informed decision rather than find out who-knows-how-long later.
My other concern is if/how to bring up the fact that I know about this relationship to my ex. We're meeting up tomorrow afternoon to do some closure sort of things (luckily, he hasn't been living with me for a few months) over coffee. Should I just say "I know about you and [her name]"? I've pointedly told him a few times on the phone and via text/chat that if he wants to continue any kind of relationship with me he needs to be honest... this isn't the first thing he's lied about, but usually it is more trivial. I've asked him if he has anything interesting going on the rest of the month (like, say, your e-girlfriend coming from a few states away to visit you), and he's said no. I've given him every opportunity I can think of to say SOMETHING, and he just won't. Guess I shouldn't be surprised.
I would like to tell the woman he cheated on me with about what's going on (if I go that route) BEFORE I tell him I know, so he can't preempt me with some "this chick's going to contact you but she's totally nuts and a liar" BS. I don't really care if my ex gets mad at me as I have no interest in trying to continue a romantic relationship with him (and wouldn't be destroyed if we weren't friends, either), but I don't want to bring harassment or harm upon myself either. I have no reason to believe he'd physically harm me, but then again, I've never really pissed him off, either. My own self-preservation comes above doing a solid for a fellow lady/alumna.
I'm also close with a lot of his family - his dad and one of his brothers and his partner, in particular. Should I say anything to them? What if they ask?
Help me, hivemind!