The past is the past right?
May 21, 2014 2:53 PM Subscribe
Do I need to disclose to someone I'm dating that I briefly dated my coworker who I still work with?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)
This has been oddly stressing me out, more now because I recently met someone I could see seriously dating.
Last summer/fall I dated my 15 years older coworker off and on for a few months. It was a very intense, but brief relationship that fell apart primarily due to his dishonesty. Despite it ending very badly, we were able to repair our working relationship and now are back on friendly terms. It's an odd situation that I don't love, but it's more or less fine. I am looking for another job, but I'm doing well where I am and don't want to leave for an inferior position with fewer opportunities. Making this more complicated is that due to some political struggles with our upper management, my boss has been taken out of his position and my coworker has temporarily been assigned the day to day management of our group. However, he isn't officially my boss and this is supposed to be temporary, but it's possible that at some point in the future he could become my boss.
Fast forward to now, I don't see my coworker socially except for the very occasional work happy hour and it's been well over 6 months since I ended things for good. Is this something I need to disclose to a future boyfriend?
The last time I was in a serious relationship my boyfriend specifically said he didn't want to know if I had at some point hooked up with or dated someone in my friend group before we had started dating. However, most of my friends in relationships seem to have exhaustively (on penalty of perjury) disclosed every romantic encounter they've ever had down to their first kiss in 8th grade. I know some people that would be irate if they and their partner ran into an old friend at a party, who the partner had made out with years before they met them, and they had failed to disclose this well in advance. I think this is crazy, but this seems to be pretty common.
I don't want to lie by omission and I don't think this is something I need to talk about until I'm a few months into a committed relationship (unless I do?), but I don't see telling a future partner about this leading to anything good. I work very closely with my coworker and the nature of our work requires me to regularly take calls and respond to emails outside of normal work hours. Also, while it is not widely known that we dated, several of my close friends know. It's not inconceivable that it could one day come out.
I'm all for Dan Savage's a relationship is not a deposition and I think that if I did tell a future partner I would go light on the details, while still making them aware that I do have a past with my coworker. Is this a mandatory disclosure in a relationship?