Friends told me the reason I'm emotionally unstable is probably mainly because of how I grew up and I needed to reconcile with my dad.
posted by pelu to Human Relations (54 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
I just have nightmares and sadness from the bad memories of growing up.
When I was in 6th grade, my dad remarried a woman whom I became enemies with, and I don't love my dad any more and don't know how to relate to him either.
-I loved my dad until then. I was his only child (daughter). We went to lots of places and had fun.
-just weeks after my grandfather died, he brings home a woman and told me it's my new mother. (my mother died when I was a baby.)
-he asked me if he could marry her, and I was distraught so I said "Ok. I'll just kill myself." Then he laughed. The end. No talk or anything. Thankfully I wasn't serious, but still.
-he then got a construction company to destroy the old house our family had lived for decades to build a new house (probably to make woman happy), and then moved into a nice apartment next to it with the woman, and put me and grandma into a shitty apartment building across the street, while waiting for the new house for a few months. He would come by to my apartment every few days, but I remember hating him already, so we didn't really talk. My grandma was worried.
-after we all moved into the new house, for all my teenage years I was constantly in verbal fights with both my dad and/or woman, of course to my eyes it looked like he was always on the woman's side, telling me that I had to grow up and change, that I had to see good things in the woman, that I was stupid, and that he would send me away if I didn't comply.
-I cried and told him I was hurt many times, and he would say "I already know how you feel but you are the one that has to change"
-he and woman had a baby right when I had to prepare for a year for an important exam, so I got pissed about baby crying and told dad "why did you have to make the baby right at this minute?!" he laughed.
-one time the woman cried from arguing with me and dad made me go apologize.
-another time woman exploded and grabbed my neck to make me look at her, leaving me a scratch, but the event went unnoticed. (After years when I told him, he was like "oh... I didn't know that." The end.)
-then I went away for college and didn't have to deal with them, thank god.
-after college I came back home but was kicked out because one day woman totally lost it, kicked in my door, and kept screaming at how lazy I was and that she was in so much stress because of my presence. My dad told me the woman actually did go insane, cut own wrist, went to psychiatrist but the meds didn't work, was already stressed from raising two kids, yelling hysterically at them, and then I showed up, so the woman told him she didn't know what she would do if I kept living there. He says the woman is sensitive unlike me and needs care, and that he felt bad and responsible for her well being.
-he told me how all this mess started was my fault - my bad attitude, me ignoring of woman igniting her anger, etc.
-I told him over years that I wanted to actually see he cared about me, to ask me about things I do, how I feel, and one day he told me he's not like that, that he's not one of those sweet fathers who go "aww my baby" to his children and that he doesn't really need to be with me or get to know me and would be ok if he just knows I'm alive somewhere.
-ok.. So when I heard this, I felt like "F this." After all these years I got more and more impression that he doesn't seem to care especially about my emotional well being for whatever reason, he says he feels bad for his other kids when woman gets too angry to cook or yells at them. Ok, but I don't quite get why it was ok for them to attack me for years.. yes I was an ass teen, but I was still a child who felt like she lost her dad that used to be her best friend, the one she thought she could always count on for love. My dad and I even went for family counseling (my idea) - there he was the same, even after me discussing my pain, he immediately lashed out telling the therapist I was stupid, immature and at fault for all, --- so anyway I felt I didn't want to waste more energy trying to build a loving relationship with this person so I disappeared for a few years.
-my friends had been telling me I should really contact my dad, so I did. At first he seemed happy I contacted him and said he was very worried. But soon we got into multiple arguments, blaming and yelling at each other, him calling me really stupid when I'm crying. He said I'm like this because he spoiled me. (<-WTF?)
-so I disappeared for a few more years.
-I recently contacted him and he said he was really worried and wanted to stay in touch.
So the question again is (Sorry after the long post), how can I make him really understand that the experience while me growing up did leave an open wound in my heart AND make him feel bad about what he did and did not do? I feel he was supposed to provide love and protect me, and he failed. If he doesn't get it, then I don't want to try to believe he actually cares and to even like him again.
Am I being way too selfish?