I really like this new woman but she's freaking me out with demands!
May 18, 2014 6:41 AM Subscribe
I've been dating this great woman for a month now. I really do like her, but she seems to want more and more of my time and energy to the point that life getting out of balance for my self-care and recharge time. Special snowflakes inside.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (59 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I met a woman on OKCupid and it has, for the most part, been so great. I really do like her a lot and she likes me a lot as well.
We've been dating about a month now. The beginning of the relationship was a total whirlwind. Big feelings, big passions, and lots of time together. Part of the excitement was centered around helping her work up to a big event she was planning when we met. I helped her pull off the event and figured things would balance out afterward. It was big New Relationship Energy happening.
One factor: She's an Italian/Irish woman from Long Island. I'm of Swedish descent from Southern Indiana.
She's very high-strung and is *very* extroverted. I'm laid-back and mostly an introvert. She gets off on being around people all the time ("I only need a night to myself about once a month"). I need nights to myself about two or three times a week to recharge and just take care of myself.
She's also real nit-picky about certain things that I've never had anyone I date get upset about. Things like this: I say "man" a lot. As in, "Man, I think that was GREAT!". She'll say back to me "I'm not a MAN, BRO. We're DATING. Don't call me "man"." And I'm just dumbfounded. This is how I talk.
We have SO much in common. We are both serious musicians, both love a lot of the same art and music. We make each other laugh. We both mesh extremely well in the kissing etc. dept. We're both responsible adults within 4 years of age with each other.
The problem that is starting to arise is that I'm beginning to feel as though she wants more than I can give her attention-wise. Last week she was up to texting me 30-50 times a day. I was trying to be subtle (I was at work) and answer when I took a breather (I work in video so I'm constantly in front of my computer online), but then she would text "Is everything okay?" when I didn't answer right away.
Then, after all these texts, when I got home I told her I was letting my dinner digest before I started my exercising. She asked if we could talk on the phone in that time. I wanted to be nice (though I was slightly annoyed) and said yes. She just wanted to shoot the breeze. I don't like shooting the breeze on the phone with people I see every other day. I'm sure I came off as blah. She asked me later "Are you distracted"? I answered "Only in that it's a work day and a workout day."
I've told her about the space and time I need to recharge my batteries and take care of myself. Things like: do relaxing, going the gym, catching up on work, catching up with friends, working on my music, etc. She said she understood. She even said "I want you to do those things. It's who you are that attracts me to you so much. I don't want to change you."
But I'm getting the sense from her that I'm not moving fast enough or falling hard enough or spending enough time for her taste. She tells me how crazy she is about me and asks me, "What are you so SCARED of??" in a slightly accusatory way. This freaks me out. Keep in mind I DO find her attractive and she does have her shit together.
She's gotten angry at me a couple times and given me terse responses. When I told her I was tired and going to bed in a few the other night, She said a terse "OK Goodnight." and signed off. I called her, letting her know that if something is bothering her to just TELL me and don't be passive aggressive. It came out that she felt like she didn't know when she was "allowed" to talk to me. And that I was "distant".
When we go out I try to treat her like a queen. I always compliment her. Always do stuff she'd like to do (she always has ideas about what we should do), and generally try to make her feel loved and important when we're together. But I'm beginning to wonder what more she wants this fast? As this "balanced" part of our relationship has kicked in, we're seeing each other about three times a week, which seems totally reasonable to me.
But, I'm really starting to get freaked out about her demanding behavior because I really do like her.
She's very high-strung and aggressive while I'm pretty mellow but smart and sweet. I certainly am not an unconfident dude. I just don't have this East coast DRIVE that she seems to have about everything.
Is there a way for me to lines around my time and space without making her feel marginalized? I want to be good to her but I also want to balance my life and self-care. I'm afraid she's going to kill any passion I have for her by getting greedy about my time and my life.
Thanks for any advice.