Ex wants to reconcile. I said no, but not sure it's the right decision?
May 17, 2014 4:41 PM Subscribe
Ex broke up with me 2 months ago and asked for reconciliation a week later. I have chosen not to reconcile but am having doubts about this decision.
posted by Kat_Dubs to Human Relations (23 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
You’ll see my recent post about break up and him immediately regretting it. Cliffnotes: last Summer we decided we would move abroad together in a year’s time. In the meantime I had taken a brilliant first graduate job & was spending time with a relative with a terminal illness. I had warned him about my family going through a difficult time before we got into the relationship and he still said he wanted to be with me. The other downside was that to move beside the job I would be 1 ½ hours away from him but for a year we thought we could do it.
But a few weeks after my relative died he actually blew up saying everything was “always about your needs”. He had a tendency to bottle things up instead of communicating. But we seemed to get over the worst of it and I did try to say we had had to weather a hard time and things would get better. Things had generally always been very good between us and he was the first guy I could ever really see myself moving in with and looking at building a life together.
But around Feb time he became distant – was more reluctant to visit me (we alternated visiting each other) & said we needed to try moving in together at home before we moved abroad. This was difficult/not going to be easy for a few reasons. He started becoming very critical and broke up with me a month later then regretted it a week later saying he’d made “a terrible mistake”. Cue many long, heartfelt emails but I was still in a state of shock.
And now? I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel love, or hate, (occasionally anger) and it worries me a bit. Have I fallen out of love completely? I did feel somewhat betrayed by the break up because it was somewhat out of the blue. Every so often I receive a message from him asking how I am, asking what I’m doing and that he hopes I’m well. Also that he hopes we can talk again in the future. But I never respond.
- I loved him and I’m pretty sure he loved me
- He was kind most of the time
- I clicked with him on a deeper level than most people I have known
- The sex/compatibility in that area was incredible!
- He repeatedly bottled things up instead of discussing them.
- He took any issue I brought up as a criticism of his entire being. Then he went into a shell and became distant from me. I was his first proper long term relationship (he is in his late 20s) and sometimes it felt like training a teen how to communicate.
- A point I think is important – he sometimes said he felt we were uequal (this is related to our jobs) and after he broke up with me I felt that maybe this was his way of regaining power and maybe it wouldn’t last. Then I was right and he came back.
The thing I’m most scared of is stubbornly choosing not to reconcile if we could be happy together. And potentially not meeting someone else I love – I was really disappointed with my ex boyfriend’s decision partly because I feel many couples these days give up at the first hurdle. I feel like he did that and felt we were worth more. I’m terrified of taking the wrong path when it comes to love.
Usually I make decisions and am happy that they are the correct ones. In deciding to not reconcile, I have no idea whether it is the best decision for me or not in the long run and that worries me. I think about him every day but maybe that’s normal at this stage. How can I feel at peace?
The thing is I am still going to go abroad and live for a while and I know that he is too. I so wish we had had that opportunity to travel together because I think it could have been great but I now don’t feel I could ever trust him not to abandon me. I am sometimes so mad at him for messing up a great potential. To me we were a unit. We had our issues but I didn’t think we would ever give up on each other. And then he broke that unit.
What are your thoughts?