Can't stay hard with a condom, help?
May 13, 2014 7:04 AM Subscribe
I'm a straight male without much sexual experience. I've been seeing a new girl recently and things have gotten sexual. We have good chemistry in and out of bed, are comfortable around each other and attracted to each other's bodies. But I've encountered a problem: when I try to penetrate her with a condom, I can't maintain an erection. Without a condom I don't have this problem, but condomless sex is not a good option. What to do?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Here's what happens. We'll be doing foreplay, I get hard, all well and good. Things heat up, I put on a condom, or she does it for me, still good - up to the moment I try to penetrate her. Then I immediately go soft. This has happened every time we've tried, about four times now. It's also happened to me with the few other women I've been with in the past - not every time, but more often than not. This is one reason why I've never had much of a sex life (I'm in my 30s), along with the fact that I've rarely had a steady partner.
On the other hand, twice now we've been irresponsible and forgotten about the condom, and then I haven't had this problem. Feeling her vagina directly with my penis keeps me aroused enough that I can penetrate. Even then I haven't been fully hard, but hard enough. But it's obviously not a good idea to keep doing this. We're not worried about STDs since we've both been recently tested, but pregnancy would not be a good thing. I've brought up the idea of other means of birth control (pill, female condom/diaphragm) and she said she was open to considering them. This would presumably solve the problem. But, (a) if this happens it might take a little while, and I want to be able to have sex with her in the meantime, and (b) I'd really like to solve this issue generally, since this has been a recurring theme in my sex life.
Organic causes can probably be ruled out since I'm in good shape, healthy, don't smoke, rarely drink and have higher than average testosterone levels. Also, I sometimes masturbate with a condom, to get myself more used to the sensation, and I have no problem getting myself off. I'm thinking this is probably a psychological thing, namely that sex is still a somewhat unfamiliar thing for me (I'd estimate the number of times I've successfully had full PIV sex as between ten and twenty), and I just need to ease into it with time. Which I'm okay with, and she seems to be too. But meanwhile it feels really frustrating, and I also feel like I'm getting into this cycle of anxiety where the memory of past failures makes it harder for me to stay in the moment. Other than giving it time, what can I do about this?