Such a tough space. Please give me some hope.
May 8, 2014 11:37 AM Subscribe
Please help me to stop comparing my relationship to others.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (32 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I'm looking for help or advice on how to stop comparing my relationship to others, or hope from someone who has been in a similar position. I've seriously considered DTMFA, but really do not want to. Instead, I'm looking for some coping mechanisms or just some hopeful anecdota.
I'm 36 and my boyfriend is 40. We've lived together for the past 3 years and have been dating for 3.5 years. We are happy and friends on top of having a solid, healthy relationship. We never fight about money because we have plenty. We have regular sex. We have our own interests outside of our relationship as well as shared interests that we love as a couple. We are a great match and make each other laugh and are supportive and commited to each other fully. It was never always this way though. We did go through a rather bumpy patch where we were constantly fighting and went through couple's therapy, but it DRASTICALLY helped us. My boyfriend did have a past prescripton drug habit which he kicked through the help of narcotics anonymous and has been clean and sober for well over a year. We are in a good place now and things are peaceful.
However, it has been a dream of mine to get married. I've always wanted to ever since I was small. In terms of kids, I would love to have a child with him and he with me because he would be a great father. However, I don't want to have kids after age 37, and the reality is that we are really old. I just don't want to at this age. I'd much prefer to focus on retirement and travel and don't want to be an older mom, when we could be enjoying life exploring new areas of the world and/or opening my own business. We are 100% open to adopting though. My boyfriend would prefer to have a child, and I don't think he understands that there actually are age limitations to that where health risks are very real. Personally, I think in this regard he is in a complete dream world. We are not in our twenties.
Anyway, I am extremely jealous lately because it feels like everyone around me who is leftover is getting married or is already married. We truly are the last single ones standing. I've been feeling this frustration for over a year. Yes, I know we have worked through our share of issues and are now in a good place, but it still doesn't help. I really just want to stop comparing myself and ourselves to others because deep down I know it is not our relationship, but theirs. However, I'm also feeling really frustrated because I don't know why we can't just do it already. It's depressing. I know that he wants to get married to me, but I don't know why his heels are still dragging. I've talked to him so many times and he just keeps saying it will happen and then it...doesn't. It's gotten to the point where DAILY I have someone in my life (work, parents, friends, whatever) asking why we haven't gotten married yet and it makes me feel awful and sad. I don't even know what to say to them and practically burst into tears. I've also seriously considered leaving him because it feels like it will never happen, but I just haven't. I don't think I could (or want to) imagine my life without him. :(
Recently my younger sister got engaged and it was the final blow. I don't have the best relationship with my parents who tend to pit one of us siblings against the other so now it's suddenly this big competition as to who is getting married first so now I'm on the outs.
Again, I'm 36 and I know I shouldn't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks because we are happy. However, how do I get my brain to understand this and to stop comparing myself? It's so infuriating. What should I do?