Information I wish I didn't have
May 8, 2014 11:36 AM Subscribe
I think a friend's husband may have had a vasectomy. They're trying to conceive. Help?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (50 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I have reasonably good friend (Annie, say) who is in her late 20s and trying to conceive with her husband, who is in his late 40s. He has children from a previous marriage. They've been trying to conceive for about a year without luck, and she is very, very worried that something is wrong with her.
I met this friend through a mutual friend (we'll call her Becca), and we're all close. Becca knew Annie's husband before the they started dating. Becca recently confided that she's almost certain the husband has had a vasectomy.
Becca remembers a semi-drunken conversation (Annie was not present) where he was discussing having had a vasectomy. Another friend was there who remembers the conversation the same way. Because it was many years ago and they were drinking, Becca describes herself as reasonably sure, but not absolutely positive.
I hardly know the husband, and this is normally the kind of thing that I would stay waaaaay away from. However, the stakes just seem too high here. I know how much Annie wants to conceive. I know how crazy she's making herself worrying and worrying.
I've discussed it with Becca, she believes that Annie is a shoot-the-messenger type, and that it would end their friendship if she said something, without changing the situation. I suggested saying something to the husband, but Becca thinks he's a little scary and is reluctant. Fair enough.
One option we've discussed is just encouraging Annie to have her husband's fertility evaluated after a year of not conceiving. However, it sounds like before they got married, they agreed that they'd try to conceive, and if it wasn't in the cards, they'd just go with that. So I suspect that he won't be willing to pursue testing. I know how sad that outcome would make her, and I get sad and angry on her behalf when I imagine it happening not as a result of actual infertility, but because her husband is lying to her on the largest possible scale.
Is there something I can or should do? I can't just tell Annie without outing Becca as the source of the information. Is there something Becca can or should do? I normally prefer to mind my own business, but that's not sitting right with me on this one. If I was in Annie's shoes I would want to know.