I've felt a change in my personality and how I handle things lately, and it's making me uneasy.
I've made the decision to stay where I am for another year, thanks to the helpful answers from the previous thread. However, I've been facing some weird stress-related issues and other issues in my life lately, and quite frankly, I feel like I'm losing myself.
A couple disclaimers. a) Most of your answers probably will consist of 'get therapy' - I plan to, as soon as/if I get Medic-Aid (it's been a lengthy approval process for some reason). I'm unemployed right now, and can't exactly afford to. b) This is long. Apologies in advance.
So I've been through quite a few stressors in the past few years. I've worked at a job I wasn't happy at (burnout), resigned in December 2013, been struggling to find a job since then. I even tried re-applying for that job, with no luck. I've been told numerous times I wasn't qualified for said jobs I was applying for. I feel like I've been knocking on brick walls with no desire to hire me, even though my previous job was at a prestigious retail location (hint: think of a certain fruit) and I was told by friends that'd be a resume differentiator and that it'd be a snap to find a job with that job on my resume. I hate facing this and no employment. I was battling with a huge sum of potential debt with a certain car rental company, to the tune of $30,000+ (not going into specifics), only one day last autumn to be told the case was potentially dropped without nary a word of confirmation from the car rental company (but as of today, knock on wood, I haven't heard anything from any lawyers or the company regarding the issue). I finally transferred my SSI from California to DC this spring, only to be met with a flurry of messed-up actions from SSI, varying from a mistaken letter saying I wasn't eligible for SSI (SSA phone line assured me it was actually for SSDI, due to a miscommunication and missed appointment which I was never informed about in the first place), to saying I was overpaid, etc. - and I'm not currently on SSI because I'm currently over the $2,000 income limit (that's changing soon, unless I get hired for a job I've applied to recently), and I'm nervous about going to the office and having to potentially fight for my SSI back (if no job and no SSI, I can't afford rent). I've had a couple health scares earlier this year, with the potential of UTI and some strange flashes in my eyes, both of which has seemingly disappeared…for now, anyway. (I always say 'for now' or 'if' because I don't want to jinx anything.)
At this point, I feel like I've changed lately. I don't like it. I feel increasingly bitter towards people, getting more annoyed easily by incompetence, feeling frustrated when potential employers don't even reply to my emails (or subsequent followups) of employment interest. I feel this deep internal anger inside me when something goes wrong, even something minor. I don't go berserk or crazy, but I just feel so… angry. It's hard to explain. I've had a few minor outbursts when store employees were being rude to me (but apologized after the fact); in the past, I would've just ignored it. I also literally feel myself shake and tremble every day before the mail arrives, feeling anxious and my heart beating, dreading yet another communication from SSI (like I mentioned, SSA has been hapardazously messing up with my account lately). It's truly an awful feeling. When nothing from SSA comes in the mail, I feel this relief, but also this dread that something will still happen. It's perpetual tension. I have never really experienced this before, I've always had mild social anxiety, but this is just really bugging me. I also feel more impatient, get annoyed and upset much more easily, and just generally feel like I'm becoming a mess and losing myself. I've always been a nice and patient, helpful person, but lately, I just feel… different. I also feel like I have lost trust in people in general, and often question people's intentions. I haven't hurt anyone, nor would I ever with my anger, and I haven't had any extremely nasty public meltdowns.
I would feel so much better if I had everything sorted out with SSI, reassurance/confirmation from the car rental company that the $30,000+ charge was permanently dropped, and that I have a job. For now, until I get therapy, I would like tips/advice on how to better handle that anxious feeling before getting the mail, how to better cope with people and my anger… I feel embarrassed just writing this, kind of like I'm losing my pride, but I have to. I am NOT sucidial, I don't feel depressed per se… and other than the mail situation, I'm not anxious in terms of heart-beating, shaking, etc. for the most part. I guess I just felt like I've been through so many stressors in a short few years, without a real break in between, and am always "on my toes." I know you are NOT my counselor, not my therapist, and I don't expect that. AskMe has always been good to me for advice/suggestions (and to others, too), so… thanks. It took a lot of courage to ask this.