OkCupid: Why is my inbox not flooded and what's wrong with my pictures?
May 2, 2014 8:02 AM Subscribe
I'm a woman that just made a new OK Cupid account after a long hiatus. The amount of messages I'm getting are abysmal compared to when I was on the site six months ago. What am I doing wrong?
Here is my profile. I think there must be something in the rewritten version that's turning people off? I went from having 100s of views/pages of messages in a few days when I signed up just six months ago, and on this new account I have less than a page of messages after almost a week. For a 23 year old woman, this feels like an ego blow. xD
Also, according to MyBestFace every single picture I have of myself is horrible. Even when I tried to upload ones of me doing the MySpace angles and the flirty face and the other things suggested in the blog.When I compare other people's reports to mine, my "best" face only gets picked as often as a man's "best face." People actually liked my full body shots *less* than what I have up now and I'm not overweight or anything like that. What gives?
I recently met someone from a different website and they commented that "I'm a lot more attracted to you than I thought I would be. You look way hotter than in your photos." I tend to be considered "hot" in person so I'm assuming it's the photos and not just me.
Oh! The type of person I'm hoping to attract: Creative musician/artist types, hipsters, deep thinkers... you know the type. I'm bi but I'm only trying to attract men right now.
Here is my profile. I think there must be something in the rewritten version that's turning people off? I went from having 100s of views/pages of messages in a few days when I signed up just six months ago, and on this new account I have less than a page of messages after almost a week. For a 23 year old woman, this feels like an ego blow. xD
Also, according to MyBestFace every single picture I have of myself is horrible. Even when I tried to upload ones of me doing the MySpace angles and the flirty face and the other things suggested in the blog.When I compare other people's reports to mine, my "best" face only gets picked as often as a man's "best face." People actually liked my full body shots *less* than what I have up now and I'm not overweight or anything like that. What gives?
I recently met someone from a different website and they commented that "I'm a lot more attracted to you than I thought I would be. You look way hotter than in your photos." I tend to be considered "hot" in person so I'm assuming it's the photos and not just me.
Oh! The type of person I'm hoping to attract: Creative musician/artist types, hipsters, deep thinkers... you know the type. I'm bi but I'm only trying to attract men right now.
Half of your photos are of you in a car. That's kind of weird.
Do you have any pictures of you doing stuff? Stuff that is interesting stuff? That is not just sitting in a car?
posted by phunniemee at 8:09 AM on May 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
Do you have any pictures of you doing stuff? Stuff that is interesting stuff? That is not just sitting in a car?
posted by phunniemee at 8:09 AM on May 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
Ditto! I love those two pics as well, though there isn't really anything wrong with the others-they just aren't as flattering. I think your profile is funny and genuine and you are lovely-who knows what the heck is going on?
posted by purenitrous at 8:10 AM on May 2, 2014
posted by purenitrous at 8:10 AM on May 2, 2014
Response by poster: As embarrassing as this is, I don't have any recent photos of me doing stuff because my social life is uh, lacking. Most of my interesting activities are done by myself (not by choice!)
posted by Autumn at 8:14 AM on May 2, 2014
posted by Autumn at 8:14 AM on May 2, 2014
I think that the idea that women are always flooded with messages is sometimes a bit overblown and you should worry more about quality than quantity.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 8:15 AM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 8:15 AM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
I really don't think there is anything wrong with your profile or your photos (although you could look at the OkCupid blog posts on what makes a good photo). I can't see details of how many questions but the general advice that people seem to give here is 1.) Answer lots, 2.)Be Honest, 3.)Feel free to make red flag issues clear - but do ensure that there aren't so many that you exclude everybody.
posted by rongorongo at 8:20 AM on May 2, 2014
posted by rongorongo at 8:20 AM on May 2, 2014
Best answer: As embarrassing as this is, I don't have any recent photos of me doing stuff because my social life is uh, lacking.
Then you should stage them. Seriously, get a friend or family member to take pictures of your "spontaneously" walking a dog, "randomly" getting a drink at a bar, that kind of thing. There's no shame in a bit of artifice, you're not lying about yourself, you're just presenting yourself.
posted by Think_Long at 8:20 AM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
Then you should stage them. Seriously, get a friend or family member to take pictures of your "spontaneously" walking a dog, "randomly" getting a drink at a bar, that kind of thing. There's no shame in a bit of artifice, you're not lying about yourself, you're just presenting yourself.
posted by Think_Long at 8:20 AM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
If it's any consolation, I'm experiencing the same sort of thing right now. Recently got back on OkCupid and have been getting maybe three or four messages a week compared to the three or four a day I used to get, even though I believe that my profile and pictures are much better than they were before.
You seem like an interesting gal and I don't see anything wrong with your profile, other than maybe changing up your photos a little, but I don't think it's anything that you are doing wrong.
Also agreeing with SpaceWarp13 that quality > quantity.
posted by Malleable at 8:32 AM on May 2, 2014
You seem like an interesting gal and I don't see anything wrong with your profile, other than maybe changing up your photos a little, but I don't think it's anything that you are doing wrong.
Also agreeing with SpaceWarp13 that quality > quantity.
posted by Malleable at 8:32 AM on May 2, 2014
I've never said this (or even thought it!), but your profile looks great. Maybe a couple of the pictures aren't fantastic, but they're not bad. The only suggestion I have is maybe have a little less excited!!!! and a little more down to earth.
Either give it some time or send some messages to guys you like. As someone who does get a flood of messages, 95% are ridiculous. "Hey!" Or "Your hot." It gets so much worse from there. The flood is overrated.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 8:35 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Either give it some time or send some messages to guys you like. As someone who does get a flood of messages, 95% are ridiculous. "Hey!" Or "Your hot." It gets so much worse from there. The flood is overrated.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 8:35 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
You mention you're a photographer; you should probably set up some photos with nice light and a bit of better framing.
posted by klangklangston at 8:35 AM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 8:35 AM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Did your profile always say 'bi'? A lot of people on OKCupid filter out bi matches.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:35 AM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 8:35 AM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
Your photos are awesome!
Your profile is also great, but there were two things that stuck out to me as reasons you might not be getting a ton of attention.
Firstly, where you say that you like to take new relationships slowly. Now, obviously you're not looking for a hookup, so people who message you wanting that aren't going to be good for you anyway. But this might account for the lower overall number of messages. Also, people might be reading a lot into what "slow" means, exactly. I would at least move this further down in your profile, maybe to the "you should message me if" section. As the third paragraph and "above the fold" so to speak, it's probably too prominent unless you're saving yourself for marriage or something.
Secondly, the dominant/submissive talk a little ways down. This is something else that might just be a compatibility issue, where you're saying what you want, and if it puts people off, those are people you wouldn't want anyway. But it also might be that people are reading that and assuming you're into a particular kink they're not into. This might be something to either eliminate but just watch out for on dates, or move down further on the page under a different subheading. Or maybe rephrase to not use those specific kink keywords, if that's not what you're trying to imply?
Also, you mention that you first joined six months ago and used to get attention then. How long has it been since you added new photos or otherwise made changes to your profile? OKCupid's algorithm privileges more active users (especially users who are adding to their profiles/photos) in searches, so you might just not be showing up! Add a new photo or make some substantive changes to your profile wording, and you might see a spike in attention.
posted by Sara C. at 8:38 AM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Your profile is also great, but there were two things that stuck out to me as reasons you might not be getting a ton of attention.
Firstly, where you say that you like to take new relationships slowly. Now, obviously you're not looking for a hookup, so people who message you wanting that aren't going to be good for you anyway. But this might account for the lower overall number of messages. Also, people might be reading a lot into what "slow" means, exactly. I would at least move this further down in your profile, maybe to the "you should message me if" section. As the third paragraph and "above the fold" so to speak, it's probably too prominent unless you're saving yourself for marriage or something.
Secondly, the dominant/submissive talk a little ways down. This is something else that might just be a compatibility issue, where you're saying what you want, and if it puts people off, those are people you wouldn't want anyway. But it also might be that people are reading that and assuming you're into a particular kink they're not into. This might be something to either eliminate but just watch out for on dates, or move down further on the page under a different subheading. Or maybe rephrase to not use those specific kink keywords, if that's not what you're trying to imply?
Also, you mention that you first joined six months ago and used to get attention then. How long has it been since you added new photos or otherwise made changes to your profile? OKCupid's algorithm privileges more active users (especially users who are adding to their profiles/photos) in searches, so you might just not be showing up! Add a new photo or make some substantive changes to your profile wording, and you might see a spike in attention.
posted by Sara C. at 8:38 AM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think the main reason you're getting less response is likely that the OKCupid algorithm highlights "new meat" and more active users. Try to get a really good photo of yourself up there, full-body shot if possible, and things will change. I put up a really awesome photo of myself on OKCupid and they actually sent me an email to say that I was going to get matched with hotter people from then on.
(Also I think you look super-cute! I don't know what MyBestFace is thinking!)
posted by mskyle at 8:42 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
(Also I think you look super-cute! I don't know what MyBestFace is thinking!)
posted by mskyle at 8:42 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Everyone has covered the photos pretty well, but a few things in your written description stand out to me:
- Change your "message me if" and mention things about the other person. "Message me if you love dogs" is a generic way to put this, but think about what kinds of activities other people might do that might be interesting/attractive to you and list a few here. How about "If you love road trips" because it fits your goal of visiting all of the states?
- I would move the "When it comes to relationships" paragraph to be at the end of that section (or maybe put it in another section, although I don't see anywhere else that it fits really well). This is one of the first things people see right now. I think it's really really good to include this but it seems like it's in the wrong place for some reason.
- What the young rope-rider said about the dominant/submissive thing. Take that out entirely. That's probably going to attract the wrong kind of men, and it's probably going to turn off the right kind of guys. I think that you can assess their personality on the first date and whether or not it works with yours. This dominant/submissive thing is best handled by answering the questions about those things on OKC I think.
To go back to the photos, selfies aren't great because they're usually not as flattering. You are really pretty, but the top-down look doesn't work well for anybody! Try to stage some shots. I'm sure that an acquaintance would be happy to help you with this.
Good luck! I think that overall your profile is pretty fantastic. That flood of messages that you feel like you're missing out on are almost all from creeps anyhow, seriously.
posted by sockermom at 8:43 AM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
- Change your "message me if" and mention things about the other person. "Message me if you love dogs" is a generic way to put this, but think about what kinds of activities other people might do that might be interesting/attractive to you and list a few here. How about "If you love road trips" because it fits your goal of visiting all of the states?
- I would move the "When it comes to relationships" paragraph to be at the end of that section (or maybe put it in another section, although I don't see anywhere else that it fits really well). This is one of the first things people see right now. I think it's really really good to include this but it seems like it's in the wrong place for some reason.
- What the young rope-rider said about the dominant/submissive thing. Take that out entirely. That's probably going to attract the wrong kind of men, and it's probably going to turn off the right kind of guys. I think that you can assess their personality on the first date and whether or not it works with yours. This dominant/submissive thing is best handled by answering the questions about those things on OKC I think.
To go back to the photos, selfies aren't great because they're usually not as flattering. You are really pretty, but the top-down look doesn't work well for anybody! Try to stage some shots. I'm sure that an acquaintance would be happy to help you with this.
Good luck! I think that overall your profile is pretty fantastic. That flood of messages that you feel like you're missing out on are almost all from creeps anyhow, seriously.
posted by sockermom at 8:43 AM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Also - with the "When it comes to relationships" as it is written, you are just plain going to get a lot fewer messages. That is why you're not getting flooded, I'm almost sure. There are a LOT of men (and women, I'm sure!) on OKC who are either just out for a one-night-stand or who are looking for easy and casual sex, and you've basically said you're not into that. Those are the people who aren't messaging you, and that's probably a really good thing.
posted by sockermom at 8:44 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sockermom at 8:44 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Are you using the same profile? I feel like some people would purposely deactivate and reactivate their accounts to be considered "new" and okc caught on. I'm not sure, but I think okc no longer considers reactivated accounts as new. I know when I do searches, I usually only search for people who have joined within the last month, especially if my account has been active for a while so this may be why you are receiving less views/messages this time around.
posted by shortstuff13 at 8:47 AM on May 2, 2014
posted by shortstuff13 at 8:47 AM on May 2, 2014
Best answer: I think a key insight here might be the fact that you're not just getting fewer messages, you're also getting fewer page views. That implies that what's going on might not have anything to do with your actual profile, but the way and frequency in which the site is displaying your profile to other users. It's already been noted that the site has a tendency to privilege active users. I don't use OKC anymore (not on the market, thanks!) but when I did, that was definitely my experience.
I'm also going to suggest that one of your main problems may be the fact that you're in Toledo, which is not exactly anyone's idea of a hotbed for young singles, I'm afraid. The entire metro area is only about 650k, and the nearest population centers of any size are Detroit, Cleveland, Fort Wayne, and Chicago, all of which are an hour or more away. There just aren't going to be as many users close to you as there would if you lived in a larger metro area. This also might mean that most of those users have already come across your profile in the six months it's been up, and if they were going to send you a message they would have already.
And as much as it pains me to say it. . . you're not white. It sucks, but the OKC blog has already noted that this may be a strike against you in terms of the number of messages you get.
posted by valkyryn at 8:47 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm also going to suggest that one of your main problems may be the fact that you're in Toledo, which is not exactly anyone's idea of a hotbed for young singles, I'm afraid. The entire metro area is only about 650k, and the nearest population centers of any size are Detroit, Cleveland, Fort Wayne, and Chicago, all of which are an hour or more away. There just aren't going to be as many users close to you as there would if you lived in a larger metro area. This also might mean that most of those users have already come across your profile in the six months it's been up, and if they were going to send you a message they would have already.
And as much as it pains me to say it. . . you're not white. It sucks, but the OKC blog has already noted that this may be a strike against you in terms of the number of messages you get.
posted by valkyryn at 8:47 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The first photo, the one with red hair, shows you're hot and implies you also have an attractive personality. Fun, but level-headed, which is also what you sound like in your post. Unfortunately, there is some other stuff which might make me think you are a CRAZY PERSON. NB I don't actually think that AT ALL. But I can see how people might see red or at least pink flags:
* The second two photos are terrible photos. The kind of photos that would make me question: "What was she THINKING?"
* The 'goofball' trope. Even though what you're describing are actually fun and very likeable qualities, they get framed in a way that makes you sound loopy-in-maybe-a-bad-way.
* "It takes me awhile to develop romantic feelings for someone but once I do they're difficult to shake." Again, what you're describing is actually a good quality, but worded in a way that sets off the craziness meter. "Difficult to shake"? You mean "My feelings are out of control and I will pursue you no matter what"? NO YOU DO NOT MEAN THAT.
Bottom line: all the actual information here is dandy. I'm not looking, and I'm not what you're looking for, but if it weren't for those two circumstances I'd be composing a message to you -- IF ONLY there wasn't this overall whiff of craziness (really just from three items, but because they appear in multiple aspects, they create a sense of pervasiveness). Again, this is all just a matter of framing, NOT content, and certainly not the real you.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:48 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
* The second two photos are terrible photos. The kind of photos that would make me question: "What was she THINKING?"
* The 'goofball' trope. Even though what you're describing are actually fun and very likeable qualities, they get framed in a way that makes you sound loopy-in-maybe-a-bad-way.
* "It takes me awhile to develop romantic feelings for someone but once I do they're difficult to shake." Again, what you're describing is actually a good quality, but worded in a way that sets off the craziness meter. "Difficult to shake"? You mean "My feelings are out of control and I will pursue you no matter what"? NO YOU DO NOT MEAN THAT.
Bottom line: all the actual information here is dandy. I'm not looking, and I'm not what you're looking for, but if it weren't for those two circumstances I'd be composing a message to you -- IF ONLY there wasn't this overall whiff of craziness (really just from three items, but because they appear in multiple aspects, they create a sense of pervasiveness). Again, this is all just a matter of framing, NOT content, and certainly not the real you.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:48 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, wait, one thing I realized about your photos, which might be a thing, and might not be a thing.
You might want to include at least one photo that shows more than just from the neck/shoulders up. Just a general "this is me as a person and not a talking head" kind of shot. It doesn't have to be doing any exciting activity or even terribly recent. Mine is from a time I went to an outdoor art installation with my dog like a year ago.
Also, advice about selfies, because people are bringing that up. I don't have a bubbling social life either, and a lot of my profile photos are also selfies. I only use selfies that don't look like selfies, if you know what I mean. I try to be outside, looking put together, and posing in a way that you can't immediately tell I'm holding the camera.
And, yes, please feel free to ask friends/family to take photos of you with the explicit intent of using it as a profile photo. My main photo is one of these, and it's really just a snapshot taken by a friend of me goofing off in a store. You could choreograph something more specific, but I've had good luck by saying, "Hey, could you take a picture of me? I need new online dating photos."
posted by Sara C. at 8:49 AM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
You might want to include at least one photo that shows more than just from the neck/shoulders up. Just a general "this is me as a person and not a talking head" kind of shot. It doesn't have to be doing any exciting activity or even terribly recent. Mine is from a time I went to an outdoor art installation with my dog like a year ago.
Also, advice about selfies, because people are bringing that up. I don't have a bubbling social life either, and a lot of my profile photos are also selfies. I only use selfies that don't look like selfies, if you know what I mean. I try to be outside, looking put together, and posing in a way that you can't immediately tell I'm holding the camera.
And, yes, please feel free to ask friends/family to take photos of you with the explicit intent of using it as a profile photo. My main photo is one of these, and it's really just a snapshot taken by a friend of me goofing off in a store. You could choreograph something more specific, but I've had good luck by saying, "Hey, could you take a picture of me? I need new online dating photos."
posted by Sara C. at 8:49 AM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: One writing trick is how you structure your sentence. You begin a lot of your sentences with the word "I" ..
I'm a goofball! I have a soft spot for.. I love having deep conversations.. I'd like to meet someone I can talk to for hours.. I prefer someone with.. I'm also a big fan of .. I mean who doesn't like.. I'm relearning.. I have long-term goals.. I'm a photographer and.. I'm really good at writing.. I participate in.. I'm also good at.. I feel a deep connection with.. I don't have a favorite food.. I'm the type of nerd.. I like psychological thrillers.. I like to spend time.. I love dancing so much..
You probably don't mean it in that way, but the profile does read as you-you-you rather than an invitation to make connections. Try rewriting the sentences, so they flow better and you invite people into your world. Think about your audience when you write and provide "message hooks". Also, try to use fewer exclamation marks and definitely rewrite the "You Should Message Me If" section.
The photos have already been covered but I'd agree.
posted by kariebookish at 8:54 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm a goofball! I have a soft spot for.. I love having deep conversations.. I'd like to meet someone I can talk to for hours.. I prefer someone with.. I'm also a big fan of .. I mean who doesn't like.. I'm relearning.. I have long-term goals.. I'm a photographer and.. I'm really good at writing.. I participate in.. I'm also good at.. I feel a deep connection with.. I don't have a favorite food.. I'm the type of nerd.. I like psychological thrillers.. I like to spend time.. I love dancing so much..
You probably don't mean it in that way, but the profile does read as you-you-you rather than an invitation to make connections. Try rewriting the sentences, so they flow better and you invite people into your world. Think about your audience when you write and provide "message hooks". Also, try to use fewer exclamation marks and definitely rewrite the "You Should Message Me If" section.
The photos have already been covered but I'd agree.
posted by kariebookish at 8:54 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Another one for "You're in Toledo" and "You're not white" which are two related strikes, I think. They have nothing to do with your viability as a mate, but more to do with the people in Toledo probably. Move to Atlanta, be my friend, and you'll be fine!
Seriously though, LOTS of replies means a higher creeper potential and I'm guessing the market of cool dudes to date in Toledo isn't the biggest. ALSO I never really had luck on OKC outside of people who just wanted to have sex, honestly. Then again I'm weird because I met my husband in the Craigslist personals of all things, so ymmv!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:58 AM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Seriously though, LOTS of replies means a higher creeper potential and I'm guessing the market of cool dudes to date in Toledo isn't the biggest. ALSO I never really had luck on OKC outside of people who just wanted to have sex, honestly. Then again I'm weird because I met my husband in the Craigslist personals of all things, so ymmv!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:58 AM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Not thread-sitting I promise, but can someone chime in about *why* the photos are bad? Other than me sitting in a car/selfies, is there something about them that makes me look unattractive? I don't have an eye for gauging this at all so I'm hoping when I get new pictures I can pick out the ones that flatter me.
posted by Autumn at 8:59 AM on May 2, 2014
posted by Autumn at 8:59 AM on May 2, 2014
I think you definitely don't look unattractive in your photos, it's just that they all look the same and that you should have some more variety, some that have all of you in the frame. This is not because people must judge your body before dating you, but it somehow feels like a way to get more of a full reference of the person. Personally I like pics that are of a person across a table, because 99.9% of times you gotta eat at some point on a date, so across a table is often how you're going to see them for the first time.
Your pics aren't bad at all, you just need some non car non selfies for sure.
Also, for the people pointing out that the OP isn't white, she was presumably not white six months ago when she posted the profile that she thought was working better. I don't think linking to that one statistics blog post from years ago is the answer here.
posted by sweetkid at 9:08 AM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
Your pics aren't bad at all, you just need some non car non selfies for sure.
Also, for the people pointing out that the OP isn't white, she was presumably not white six months ago when she posted the profile that she thought was working better. I don't think linking to that one statistics blog post from years ago is the answer here.
posted by sweetkid at 9:08 AM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
I also am not looking and am not who you're looking for, but here's my problem with your photos: some of them look like photos I'd take after I got a particularly good haircut and want to show it off to a friend by texting her a shot of it. They're more about your hair (which is great, by the way, I love what you do with color) and less about you. That ties in with the idea of having more photos that show you doing stuff, even if they're older photos or staged, or less flattering of your face. More personality in your photos, please!
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:10 AM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:10 AM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Well I don't think acting like racism doesn't exist anymore is really helpful either, but hey! is there a difference between the pictures then and now? And like others have said--have you thought about getting a whole new profile as opposed to reactivating an old one? I do think their algorithm counts that against you.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:11 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:11 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: last post I promise but it is a new profile; I completely deleted the old one.
posted by Autumn at 9:12 AM on May 2, 2014
posted by Autumn at 9:12 AM on May 2, 2014
Okay last post from me TOO I promise :) but I think you're adorable and really funny and I'm a married straight girl so I'm the wrong demographic for you, but narrow it down to 1-2 selfies and then a few other photos you have a friend or family member take real quickly and I think that should help!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:14 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:14 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you have both fewer page views and fewer messages, I bet it's something about the first profile photo *in particular* (the one that comes up in search results) than it is about anything in the profile or the range of your photos. I'd start experimenting, going back to the photo you had six months ago and cycling through until you find the photo that nets you the most click-throughs.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 9:37 AM on May 2, 2014
posted by pretentious illiterate at 9:37 AM on May 2, 2014
Best answer: Photo help from another married straight woman:
The first photo is good because it looks like you are genuinely smiling.
The second photo is bad because all you see is forehead, really. The angle is not flattering because you can't really see where your features are or if you have bones. The quality/resolution of the photo is low so that things look grainy and bumpy is generally not the look you want for skin. The way your eyes are super open and big reads a little scary and not flirty, since the smile is not real.
I like your third photo with the purple hair, unlike some other people here. I think that even though it is taken from a high angle, I can still tell what you would actually look like and possibly be able to identify you in a lineup. Your smile still looks kinda fake and the texture is again not great, but it's not awful.
Now the fourth photo is IMO the worst because there is really no "you" or your face in there. Everyone tries to take a pic of their best side and hide some features, but when you hide ALL your features and are just some hair with a little squish of face at the bottom, people are going to think you are trying to hide something major. As a positive, your eyes look really lively in this picture.
The last picture is great because you look natural, self-confident, and you can see your face and a little bit of your body. Your arm looks super buff and awesome, btw!
For your next pictures:
1. Go outside. Have someone (anyone, a passerby) take a picture of you from about 10 ft away and mostly from the waist up, so you can see your body and your gestures a little more, which is a good way of indicating more about your personality.
2. A longer distance shot of your whole body, doing something interesting (it can be a stupid pose, just don't stand there like a soldier). Do something with your arms. Pretend to be Vanna modeling a street sign. Something where your body is engaged and not just straight to the camera, and something maybe a little silly. Pretend to talk to a statue, hug a tree, whatever. People will think it is a joke between you and your friends but really it is a chance to show yourself in a new light and show that you have a body and don't live in a car.
3. In a restaurant or bar. The good news with this photo is that it can be blurry or have crappy lighting, you are basically just showing that you go out and have fun. This should be taken by someone else, and be waist or table-up. You can ask the bartender to take it and then tip an extra dollar or two.
posted by rmless at 9:40 AM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
The first photo is good because it looks like you are genuinely smiling.
The second photo is bad because all you see is forehead, really. The angle is not flattering because you can't really see where your features are or if you have bones. The quality/resolution of the photo is low so that things look grainy and bumpy is generally not the look you want for skin. The way your eyes are super open and big reads a little scary and not flirty, since the smile is not real.
I like your third photo with the purple hair, unlike some other people here. I think that even though it is taken from a high angle, I can still tell what you would actually look like and possibly be able to identify you in a lineup. Your smile still looks kinda fake and the texture is again not great, but it's not awful.
Now the fourth photo is IMO the worst because there is really no "you" or your face in there. Everyone tries to take a pic of their best side and hide some features, but when you hide ALL your features and are just some hair with a little squish of face at the bottom, people are going to think you are trying to hide something major. As a positive, your eyes look really lively in this picture.
The last picture is great because you look natural, self-confident, and you can see your face and a little bit of your body. Your arm looks super buff and awesome, btw!
For your next pictures:
1. Go outside. Have someone (anyone, a passerby) take a picture of you from about 10 ft away and mostly from the waist up, so you can see your body and your gestures a little more, which is a good way of indicating more about your personality.
2. A longer distance shot of your whole body, doing something interesting (it can be a stupid pose, just don't stand there like a soldier). Do something with your arms. Pretend to be Vanna modeling a street sign. Something where your body is engaged and not just straight to the camera, and something maybe a little silly. Pretend to talk to a statue, hug a tree, whatever. People will think it is a joke between you and your friends but really it is a chance to show yourself in a new light and show that you have a body and don't live in a car.
3. In a restaurant or bar. The good news with this photo is that it can be blurry or have crappy lighting, you are basically just showing that you go out and have fun. This should be taken by someone else, and be waist or table-up. You can ask the bartender to take it and then tip an extra dollar or two.
posted by rmless at 9:40 AM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with much of the above advice, and don't want to be too repetitive, so I'll just mention the way your profile struck me: your writing is clear and straight-forward but in the first section you are still getting stuck on the same clichés that everybody does: I like to go out and I like to stay in, I like music and animals, I like to have fun.
It's the sentences where you give real examples that give me a better sense of who you are, e.g., "One day I'll want to trailblaze through Ottawa Park and the next I'll want to stay indoors and have a Family Guy marathon". So more of that! I think you should revisit: What kind of dogs do you want/have you had? Which psychology books or philosophy topics interest you these days? What albums have you been listening to? You get the idea.
I would agree that the submissive/dominant stuff read like code for BDSM, and the relationship stuff seemed a little heavy and intense. If that's who you are, right on, but if that's not what you mean to present, I would consider re-phrasing and moving it to a different section, or just letting "Relationship Type: Strictly Monogamous" status speak for itself. (It's been awhile, is Relationship Type where you specify what kind of relationship you seek? There used to be a "serious dating" option or something that might be more clear.)
Otherwise, if you are not truly against meeting someone for a casual coffee, then leave the relationship talk out of your profile. Just keep it in mind as you make decisions and talk to your actual dates about your expectations.
posted by juliplease at 9:53 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's the sentences where you give real examples that give me a better sense of who you are, e.g., "One day I'll want to trailblaze through Ottawa Park and the next I'll want to stay indoors and have a Family Guy marathon". So more of that! I think you should revisit: What kind of dogs do you want/have you had? Which psychology books or philosophy topics interest you these days? What albums have you been listening to? You get the idea.
I would agree that the submissive/dominant stuff read like code for BDSM, and the relationship stuff seemed a little heavy and intense. If that's who you are, right on, but if that's not what you mean to present, I would consider re-phrasing and moving it to a different section, or just letting "Relationship Type: Strictly Monogamous" status speak for itself. (It's been awhile, is Relationship Type where you specify what kind of relationship you seek? There used to be a "serious dating" option or something that might be more clear.)
Otherwise, if you are not truly against meeting someone for a casual coffee, then leave the relationship talk out of your profile. Just keep it in mind as you make decisions and talk to your actual dates about your expectations.
posted by juliplease at 9:53 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with everyone who says to include photos with more variety; one closely-cropped odd-angled car selfie is fine, but having five very similar photos looks sort of odd. This applies to any sort of picture, whether it's selfies or action shots or dressed-up full-body photos: if they're all the same, you look sort of one-note.
I also agree that the whole bit about the dominant/submissive thing needs to go. It's too confusing: I have no idea if you're talking about BDSM or if you just prefer letting someone else decide where to go for dinner or what. Besides, if it's something that's important to you, it'll come up naturally in the course of conversation.
The only other thing that jumped out at me was the sentence People call me a "jet-setter" because I like to try a lot of new things and new activities. It's great that you love trying new things, but "jet-setter" specifically refers to international travel, with sort of a highfalutin' richie-rich connotation. It's a very minor nitpick and I don't think it reflects negatively on you at all, but it just stuck out at me a little.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:07 AM on May 2, 2014
I also agree that the whole bit about the dominant/submissive thing needs to go. It's too confusing: I have no idea if you're talking about BDSM or if you just prefer letting someone else decide where to go for dinner or what. Besides, if it's something that's important to you, it'll come up naturally in the course of conversation.
The only other thing that jumped out at me was the sentence People call me a "jet-setter" because I like to try a lot of new things and new activities. It's great that you love trying new things, but "jet-setter" specifically refers to international travel, with sort of a highfalutin' richie-rich connotation. It's a very minor nitpick and I don't think it reflects negatively on you at all, but it just stuck out at me a little.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:07 AM on May 2, 2014
You look loveliest in your last and first photos. I also adore the way you've captioned some of your photos, and your clever mentions there of Loki and "Cars" by Gary Numan should resonate with the artist/hipster types you're looking to attract. Very nice profile!
posted by hush at 10:30 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by hush at 10:30 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: "Not thread-sitting I promise, but can someone chime in about *why* the photos are bad? Other than me sitting in a car/selfies, is there something about them that makes me look unattractive? I don't have an eye for gauging this at all so I'm hoping when I get new pictures I can pick out the ones that flatter me."
It's not like you're some kinda uglor, just that the photos look pretty generic and the combination of light and camera is not generally flattering. You want some warm, soft light, and one of the unfortunate parts of the wide lens on camera phones is that it'll distort your face, making it look rounder and wider than it is. So, since you mention photography, I'm going to assume that you have a decent camera with a timer and a prime lens at least (if you have a portrait lens, use that), and I'm going to advise you to 1) take a bunch of pictures so that you can pick a couple great ones, doing it self portrait style with some golden hour light (might use a reflector too), and 2) have a friend take some shots with your camera while you're out doing things that you like to do. Again, golden hour is best, just for the soft light, and remember that you might have to do a little post color correction just because default settings on digital can be unflattering to brown skin.
Then, I'd put up two shots from that and keep either the first or third one that you have up right now, since both are pretty informal and fun; it's good to have that mix.
(Sorry if this is overkill, I'm just a photographer of the school where anyone can be beautiful if they just get lit correctly and shot with a decent camera. Phones have wide lenses so that they can get a lot in the shots, but they're not all that great for portraits, contra the selfie revolution. You can do it, but it takes a lot more work than just using the right tool for the job at the beginning.)
posted by klangklangston at 11:03 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's not like you're some kinda uglor, just that the photos look pretty generic and the combination of light and camera is not generally flattering. You want some warm, soft light, and one of the unfortunate parts of the wide lens on camera phones is that it'll distort your face, making it look rounder and wider than it is. So, since you mention photography, I'm going to assume that you have a decent camera with a timer and a prime lens at least (if you have a portrait lens, use that), and I'm going to advise you to 1) take a bunch of pictures so that you can pick a couple great ones, doing it self portrait style with some golden hour light (might use a reflector too), and 2) have a friend take some shots with your camera while you're out doing things that you like to do. Again, golden hour is best, just for the soft light, and remember that you might have to do a little post color correction just because default settings on digital can be unflattering to brown skin.
Then, I'd put up two shots from that and keep either the first or third one that you have up right now, since both are pretty informal and fun; it's good to have that mix.
(Sorry if this is overkill, I'm just a photographer of the school where anyone can be beautiful if they just get lit correctly and shot with a decent camera. Phones have wide lenses so that they can get a lot in the shots, but they're not all that great for portraits, contra the selfie revolution. You can do it, but it takes a lot more work than just using the right tool for the job at the beginning.)
posted by klangklangston at 11:03 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with Metroid Baby about using the term "jetsetter" in this context:
People call me a "jet-setter" because I like to try a lot of new things and new activities.
When I was back on OKC, and needed to say that, I used this:
"My hobby is generally finding new and different hobbies. Trapeze? Check. Sailing? Sure. That new South African place in Fort Greene? Duh."
I got a lot of good responses and conversation starters from that. Things like, "So what's next on the hobby-finding agenda?"
Feel free to rip that sentiment.
posted by ulfberht at 11:16 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
People call me a "jet-setter" because I like to try a lot of new things and new activities.
When I was back on OKC, and needed to say that, I used this:
"My hobby is generally finding new and different hobbies. Trapeze? Check. Sailing? Sure. That new South African place in Fort Greene? Duh."
I got a lot of good responses and conversation starters from that. Things like, "So what's next on the hobby-finding agenda?"
Feel free to rip that sentiment.
posted by ulfberht at 11:16 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, if you feel funny about asking a friend or acquaintance to take your picture, you can always hire someone. Tell them that you want candid shots and they should be able to help you out.
posted by sockermom at 11:40 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 11:40 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I also think you should remove all but the first and last pictures and include a full body shot.
Another reason may be the time of year. It's spring and people are getting out and about after a long winter and not spending as much time online. I've noticed significant activity die off on social media in the spring and summer.
I really liked your profile overall!
posted by tenaciousmoon at 12:23 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Another reason may be the time of year. It's spring and people are getting out and about after a long winter and not spending as much time online. I've noticed significant activity die off on social media in the spring and summer.
I really liked your profile overall!
posted by tenaciousmoon at 12:23 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
WAY WAY WAY TOO MANY exclamation points!
posted by TestamentToGrace at 12:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by TestamentToGrace at 12:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
[Looking] For new friends, long-term dating
Did you used to have a different setting there? That might have made a difference. Also I noticed I usually got a slew of messages after answering some questions (go online, answer 2-3 questions with a 'further explanation' or whatever it's called, you'll show in other people's feeds and some of them will message you).
Also, I'd totally message you but I'm out of your age range. (And on a different continent.)
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:47 PM on May 2, 2014
Did you used to have a different setting there? That might have made a difference. Also I noticed I usually got a slew of messages after answering some questions (go online, answer 2-3 questions with a 'further explanation' or whatever it's called, you'll show in other people's feeds and some of them will message you).
Also, I'd totally message you but I'm out of your age range. (And on a different continent.)
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:47 PM on May 2, 2014
Nthing new photos, esp. full body shots of you doing things that are fun and interesting. Have your best friend pick out the most attractive shots if you don't feel like you have an eye for it. But, that said, you say you're good at photography, so showcase that here! General rule for photos that are good to have: really good close up shot, a couple full body shots, preferably somewhere interesting and/or pretty, and a few action shots highlighting your interests (dancing, playing piano, playing with a dog)
Also, yeah the 'moving slow' thing is going to turn off a lot of guys on here who are looking for a hookup, but you probably don't want to fend off a bunch of NSA requests anyway. But the 'difficult to shake' romantic feelings might not be a good way to phrase what you mean here, as some people may read that as admitting you turn into a codependent psycho, which I'm sure is not true.
Something else to think about: Can you shift the tone to be more humorous and give some more specifics about your interests? Having a witty and engaging profile is a big part of connecting on here, especially if you are looking for the intellectual types. Yours isn't too dry, certainly, but there are many places you could inject a bit more for people to connect with you or ask questions about. It gives people a jumping-off point for those first few conversations.
Posting new photos often is a good tool to have you come up more in matches. Also, try reaching out to people you think are interesting / cute! You may be surprised how much success you have at that rather than just waiting for someone to find and message you.
Good luck!
posted by ananci at 1:15 PM on May 2, 2014
Also, yeah the 'moving slow' thing is going to turn off a lot of guys on here who are looking for a hookup, but you probably don't want to fend off a bunch of NSA requests anyway. But the 'difficult to shake' romantic feelings might not be a good way to phrase what you mean here, as some people may read that as admitting you turn into a codependent psycho, which I'm sure is not true.
Something else to think about: Can you shift the tone to be more humorous and give some more specifics about your interests? Having a witty and engaging profile is a big part of connecting on here, especially if you are looking for the intellectual types. Yours isn't too dry, certainly, but there are many places you could inject a bit more for people to connect with you or ask questions about. It gives people a jumping-off point for those first few conversations.
Posting new photos often is a good tool to have you come up more in matches. Also, try reaching out to people you think are interesting / cute! You may be surprised how much success you have at that rather than just waiting for someone to find and message you.
Good luck!
posted by ananci at 1:15 PM on May 2, 2014
Best answer: Take the song quote off your photo caption, if people don't realize it's a quote it would come across as kind of strange, especially with your profile saying you prefer to go for walks. If someone does recognize the song, there's really no non-creepy way to comment on lyrics about being safe and locking your doors.
posted by yohko at 2:02 PM on May 2, 2014
posted by yohko at 2:02 PM on May 2, 2014
Best answer: Nitpick but wasn't the spinning top Inception, not Shutter Island? (All the other advice you're getting here is more on-point and useful, but this was a tiny snag for me.)
posted by Susan PG at 2:07 PM on May 2, 2014
posted by Susan PG at 2:07 PM on May 2, 2014
I see you've rewritten your profile - it reads SO much better already. Whoop, whoop!
posted by kariebookish at 3:22 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by kariebookish at 3:22 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Dude. OKC is a numbers game. If you're waiting for men to come to you, you're doing it wrong. The best thing to up your page views is to aggressively sift through profiles. Give five stars to everyone you even maybe like; DO NOT RANK AT ALL people you're not into. A couple weeks of this, a couple thousand profiles... should fix ya right up.
You want your profile to say "replies very selectively." Ignore messages that are crude or boring.
Photos: Ditch the car shots, strange. Who cares if you haven't been social lately? Bring a friend, go to some hot spots around town, fake some selfies. Bingo.
Text: Tell a funny story or a joke. You do cool things but your sense of humor isn't coming across. What are you actually like in conversation? Write like that.
posted by fritillary at 3:56 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
You want your profile to say "replies very selectively." Ignore messages that are crude or boring.
Photos: Ditch the car shots, strange. Who cares if you haven't been social lately? Bring a friend, go to some hot spots around town, fake some selfies. Bingo.
Text: Tell a funny story or a joke. You do cool things but your sense of humor isn't coming across. What are you actually like in conversation? Write like that.
posted by fritillary at 3:56 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have absolutely no experience and nothing to compare your to your profile....but my 2¢ as follows:
Your current photos give me the feeling that a date with you might involve a lot of standing around in public spaces, browsing of gift shops and clothes shopping -the opposite of the groovy vibe I get from your written component. I agree that you should stage some pics of hobbies/activities/on the couch with popcorn.
posted by bonobothegreat at 5:23 PM on May 2, 2014
Your current photos give me the feeling that a date with you might involve a lot of standing around in public spaces, browsing of gift shops and clothes shopping -the opposite of the groovy vibe I get from your written component. I agree that you should stage some pics of hobbies/activities/on the couch with popcorn.
posted by bonobothegreat at 5:23 PM on May 2, 2014
Best answer: Great new pictures, though I agree with bonobothegreat's assessment about staging some activity pics.
One to delete - the one of you wearing a purple tank and long straight hair, right below the Loki necklace picture. That one is not a great photo, you look like you're in drag.
Also once you have some more pictures, delete the eyes closed picture of you in the Captain's chair. Nice picture, but your eyes are closed.
You really do have a nice profile.
posted by arnicae at 5:50 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
One to delete - the one of you wearing a purple tank and long straight hair, right below the Loki necklace picture. That one is not a great photo, you look like you're in drag.
Also once you have some more pictures, delete the eyes closed picture of you in the Captain's chair. Nice picture, but your eyes are closed.
You really do have a nice profile.
posted by arnicae at 5:50 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I love the photo of you with curly hair! It is your absolute best one - good quality, great hair, cute smile. My second favorite is the one of you in the captain's chair - again cute smile, action shot. I hate, hate, HATE your third picture - the one of you with the white eye shadow and the cutoffs and the baseball cap. It's not flattering, and it makes you look trashy. I also dislike the one of you in the casino. The light isn't flattering for your skin. The others I'm neutral on.
posted by unannihilated at 3:12 PM on May 3, 2014
posted by unannihilated at 3:12 PM on May 3, 2014
Your pictures look great and so do you. Men dont sit and read long sentences, they first look at pics, like most women. Be who you are, be cool and dont worry. You are quite pretty so maybe you may intimidate some men (not sure what your previous pics looked like in the older profile).
posted by jbean at 10:34 PM on May 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jbean at 10:34 PM on May 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Ditch all your pictures except for your first and last picture. You have a gorgeous smile and your first and last picture are very nice. Add a few other candid photos that are not selfies.
Other than that, you seem very interesting and genuine, I liked your profile a lot.
posted by arnicae at 8:08 AM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]