Is it worth it to confront your flaky friends about their flakiness?
April 29, 2014 1:48 PM Subscribe
If they don't care enough to show up, does it mean they don't care if they hurt my feelings?
posted by winterportage to Human Relations (29 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
First of all let me say that I hate confrontation and it makes me very anxious. I hate talking about negative emotions in general, especially if I'm wounded/ hurt by something. I'm also terrible at it, and would much rather express my feelings in written form. But, I've gotten the impression that " the Important things in life MUST be expressed in person."
I'm trying to accept the fact that many friends of mine are in different places in life and don't really care about friendship any more. Our society places so much emphasis on moving towards a settled place in careers and relationships that something as ephemeral as friendship often gets forgotten. That's how it feels lately, anyways.
One of my friends, I have had since high school. She has gone into grad school and is now doing her Ph.D. We were neighbors, and really close for a long time ( about 14 years). Then gradually she stopped responding to any of my phone calls or messages and only contacted me when she needed something. I knew she was busy with her Ph.D and tried to accomodate her schedule, but she never returned the favour. And gradually a wall built up inside me so that I eventually stopped caring about her. Should I have talked to her about it instead? (Hard to do when someone never answers your calls)
Then there's my roommate. I know I shouldn't expect anything special from someone just because they're my roommate and maybe I am overreacting by feeling so snubbed. But I had to organize a special event for my work this week, and for the past two weeks she's been telling me she's coming, and I really appreciated the support. Then, last night she tells me she wants to go to the music studio instead because she can't go on her usual day. Normally, I would hope for, but not expect any kind of support like that from a roommate. But, it stung a lot because I have been supporting her music pursuits several times. I went to her open mic nights twice, and I even accompanied her on the piano for a performance at a gala that neither of us got paid for ( which was awful because I had to lug my whole keyboard there and I don't even have a car, but I did it to support her just because it felt like the right thing to do).
In these kinds of situations, should I unburden myself by expressing these hurt feelings? Or keep them inside and let them fester and build up walls inside myself.
By the way, YES I am already in therapy!